Chapter 19: Future Faces Past
"I've got the shrunken goats heads and the chameleon feet," Anya sang loudly, sounding as if she was bringing bundles of gifts and sweets for all. Xander made a face as Anya dumped the large box of limbs and dismembered bodies into the middle of the table at the Magic Box.
"It's like we're making a big pot of ugly for this ritual," Xander gagged.
"Oh this isn't for the ritual," Anya corrected him as she began to dig through the box. "This is for the party favors for the wedding."
Cordy wrinkled her nose from where she was sitting, feeding Conner. "Funny Xander, back in the day, I used to imagine our wedding would have a little less mutilated animal parts, more tea roses," she said, slyly with a twinkle in her eye and suppressed a giggle as Anya's head shot up alarmingly and Xander sputtered. He frantically looked back and forth from Anya's hardened eyes to Cordy's amused ones. Right before Xander could burst from the thick tension, Anya laughed, a series of fake, high-pitched giggles that caught both Cordy and Xander taken aback.
"As highly infuriating as that little comment is and as inclined I am to take you off of the guest list right now, I know it's all in joking fun. Besides, it is thankfully apparent that you are already involved and hence hold no threat to my matrimonial plans."
"Wait," Cordy said shaking her head. "What made you think I'm involved with someone? I'm not involved with anyone."
Anya had turned her attentions to scanning the guest list again. "Really? So what's with the sparkity-spark-sparks you got going on with Angel?"
Xander turned excitedly to Cordy, thankful that Anya had turned her unnerving probing to anyone besides him. "Yeah what's up with that? You guys obviously got something going on."
Cordy looked shocked and speechless. "A-Angel?!" she sputtered. "I AM NOT involved with Angel!"
Anya looked at her absently. "I know you and I don't really know each other Cordelia, but you remember that I was a vengeance demon for roughly a thousand years. So I can totally spot forbidden sparkage."
"That she can." Xander was happy to show support for his fiancée, as long as it distracted Anya from the fact of his and Cordelia's history
Cordy continued to have an expression of sheer terror mixed with shock at what Anya was implying. "Puh-leassee," Cordy scoffed. "Angel and I just work together."
"So you get paid by the hour for following Angel all the way back to Sunnydale to help his ex-girlfriend?" Xander said with deadpan sarcasm.
"No! I mean yes! I mean, I'm Angel's co-worker and friend," Cordy stammered. "I came here to help him as a friend. That does not mean we are 'involved." She wrinkled her nose at the word. "Besides, is everyone forgetting that Angel still carries the torch for Buffy and probably always will."
"Yes but Buffy's gay," Anya said a-matter-of-factly. "Maybe Angel can sense that and is drawn to you, a heterosexual woman."
Cordy shook her head resolutely. "No way. Angel is not drawn to me. Angel can't sense anything!"
"I can't sense what?" Angel asked, striding into the Magic Box, pausing to smile down at Conner and Cordy. Cordy looked obviously agitated and shaken as she rushed out of her chair, dumping Conner into Angel's arms.
"Um, sense, um . . . how wonderful it will be to be Xander's best man at his wedding," Cordy stammered, coming up with something off the top of her head while Xander got up in panic. Angel raised an eyebrow.
"You're right, I can't sense that," said he, shaking his head. "So Cordy---"
"Um, I have to go," Cordy interrupted him, her cheeks suddenly burning a crimson shade.
"Go?" Angel looked confused. "Go where?"
"See . . . people." Cordy rushed out the door with a bang, leaving Angel confused.
"What was that about?" Anya and Xander shrugged. Angel sighed. "So where is everybody, I thought we were going to get started preparing for the ritual."
"Buffy's training, preparing for the good fight," Xander said, cocking his head in the direction of the training room. "Tara is at her place, gathering some witchy dealies for the spell, and Dawn is with Spike."
Angel raised an eyebrow. "Spike? Dawn? Does Buffy know about this?"
"Oh Buffy knows about it. Spike takes care of Dawn all the time. When she died, Dawn was mostly left to Spike's care," Anya reported. "Plus Dawn adores Spike. Treats him like a big brother." Xander snorted, disgusted. Angel looked equally disturbed. Ever since he came back to town, it looked like Spike had firmly established a place and role in both the Scoobies and Buffy's life. And as much as it looked like Spike had truly changed, Angel still couldn't bring himself to trust him. Suddenly Buffy entered from the training room, clutching a bottle of water.
"Oh it's Conner!" she gushed as she saw Angel cradling the plump child. She peered into his gurgling, smiling face. "He's so cute!"
"Yeah, he doesn't even look anything like Angel does he?" Anya suddenly piped up as she distractedly wrapped the heads and feet in tissue paper. Xander, Angel and Buffy whirled around to stare at her.
"Why would he look like Angel?" Buffy asked, furrowing her brows. Angel glared at Anya threateningly which she failed to notice.
"Well it would make sense, Conner being Angel's son and all----" Anya said, but was soon interrupted by Xander clamping one hand across her mouth, but it was too late. Buffy visibly paled and Angel turned to look at her with panic.
"Okay Anya? When we become man and wife, the things I tell you in my loopy post-sex state can never be revealed." Xander exclaimed emphatically to a non-repentant Anya.
"Well its time that we all get honest here," Anya whined. "I'm tired of all the unneeded stress of having to bite my tongue about all these secrets. Conner being Angel's son, Buffy being gay . . ."
"WHAT?!" Angel and Buffy yelled in unison.
"Oh yeah, Buffy's homosexual," Anya nodded affirmatively. "With Tara." Xander groaned. Angel turned in shock to Buffy who just glared at Anya.
"I'm NOT GAY." Buffy scowled.
"Denial. Not coming out of the closet. Typical gay," Anya said flippantly. Buffy sighed in frustration.
"Look Anya, you must have been sniffing the glue on the wedding invitations. I'm not gay and Conner is not Angel's son." Angel almost unconsciously cleared his throat, which prompted shocked stares from Buffy. Her mouth opened in horror and she felt something in her stomach drop. "You mean . . ." Angel's serious eyes confirmed her fears. Buffy continued to stand there, shocked breaths filling her lungs until it became too much for her. "Excuse me," she mumbled as she fled back to the training room.
Angel panicked and asked Xander to take Conner as he rushed back to the room as well. He found Buffy sitting on the edge of a couch, her hands in her arms. She looked up, tears staining her lovely face. "Why didn't you tell me?" she whispered.
Angel sighed and sank down next to her. "I wanted to find the right time. I didn't want to lie to you about Wesley being the father, but I just couldn't tell you with all those people around."
"So instead you just go and tell Xander?" she said angrily.
"I didn't tell him. I guess Cordy did."
Buffy sighed. "Angel how did this happen?" Her eyes carried an agonized look that hurt Angel in the gut to see it.
"I can't explain Buffy."
"The mother?"
"Darla."
Buffy leapt from the couch. She paced around the room, tears continuing to well in her eyes. "I just don't understand this," she said. "You c-can't have children. You're a vampire."
Angel continued to gaze at her deeply from the couch. "I told you I can't explain it Buffy," he said shaking his head.
"Well try!" she yelled, whirling around to face him. "You don't understand, that child . . . Conner . . . that was supposed to be mine." Her voice broke slightly. "That was supposed to happen for us."
"Buffy . . ." Angel started but could not think of a single word to say. This was beyond him. Buffy looked hard and long at him, and she saw something in his face that made her know that he was sorry, but more than that, that he understood. She sighed tiredly as she sank back into the couch.
"Look Angel, I know we drifted apart a long time ago, even before you left for L.A.," Buffy stated softly, gazing down at her hands. "But . . . a part of me . . . I guess the part of every person who still jones after their first love . . ." she looked up and gazed deeply into his eyes. "Saw you holding Conner and wanted so much for that to be my child." She choked back tears and shook her head slowly back and forth, but was determined to finish. "God," she breathed, "I had such plans for us, but I wouldn't even let myself dream them." Angel shifted uncomfortably. "You weren't supposed to be able to have children . . . ever. We held off on so many things because of . . . what you were." She resumed her back-and-forth motion from sitting down to standing up again. "But the moment you get to L.A. you suddenly get to have this wonderful, beautiful, bundle of joy . . . with Darla of all people, or sorry, umm, demonic, hate-filled, un-people??"
"Buffy . . ."
"No, Angel let me finish. You being able to have Conner is an amazing thing. A wonderful, miraculous thing. I'm happy for you. But at the same time it just shows me how far off you really have become. You have this whole separate life I can't understand."
"I know Buffy but . . ."
"But more than that," Buffy's voice wavered, "Seeing Conner reminds me that you left. You left, Angel. That was so hard for me to recover from. I mean, I've dealt with it now . . . but . . . seeing you with this great new life just reminds me of what we could have had if you hadn't left." Tears were running down her face now and Angel approached her slowly, lightly putting his hands on her shoulders.
"Buffy you know that's not what would have happened," he started gently.
"I know," she sighed, brushing her tears away before gazing back into his eyes. "But Angel . . . do you think that things . . . would have been different if you hadn't left?"
Angel sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "We'll never know." He squinted. "But Buffy . . . you know that it wasn't a sudden thing . . . you . . . we were probably over long before that."
Buffy stiffened slightly. "W-Why Angel? What happened to us?" She shook her head in ponderance. She bit her lip as she vocalized one of her deathliest fears. "Was it m-me?"
Angel gaped at her. "You? No Buffy of course no---"
"Well then what was it? Because according my track record, I really don't have a good history of men staying. Maybe it's me, its something about me."
Angel gripped her tightly. "You know that wasn't the reason Buffy. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to hurt you. I love---loved you," he corrected gently, "more than anything. But you know it wasn't going to work, that it would have just hurt more in the end if I had stayed."
Buffy nodded, but her voice broke once more as she said, "I know, Angel . . . but you were," her voice got softer, gentler, "my first love."
Angel eyes flashed silently with pain as he twined his arms around her, one hand cupping the back of her head that was buried in his chest. "I know Buffy," he whispered. "You were mine too." He paused to look down at her as she broke apart from his chest. "In all my 200 something years of existence, you were my first love, Buffy Summers."
She smiled softly and remained his arms for moments that seemed to stretch for eternity. It felt good, finally for her to be back where it had all started and for her to finally deal with the end of something that had given part of her much pain through the years. She needed closure.
"You still my girl?" Angel asked, a tone of familiarity and comfort in his voice. It seemed that the words were less about the past, more about an understanding.
"Always," she replied. And she meant it. She knew that somewhere in her heart, Angel would claim a small space. Suddenly, she found herself gazing down at his lips. His eyes followed suit and gazed down at hers, and he sighed an unnecessary breath.
"Buffy . . ." Angel started in a voice full of caution.
"Shhh." Buffy placed a finger on Angel's lips as she continued to near them. "Just one last time, just so we know it's really over." Angel nodded, and he ducked to meet her. His lips brushed hers and she pressed a little firmer, although still remaining soft and gentle. It felt good to touch him, and it made her feel better to have the lack of fire burning within her, instead replaced by a sort of sad fondness, a bittersweet goodbye. She knew through his touch that he felt the same thing. Just they were about to part, they both heard a whispered, "Bloody hell," from the door.
Whirling around, Buffy turned deathly pale as her face met an equally pallored Spike and a stoic Dawn, scowling at both Angel and her sister. Angel looked with concern over at Buffy, but her eyes were locked on Spike's horrified, saddened expression. Much to her dismay, she couldn't detect a note of anger in his face, his features taken over completely with morose shock. He started out the door frantically, breaking the intense glance and Dawn started to follow him, only turning to administer a venomous glare to Angel and Buffy. Buffy tried to choke out a word, but her throat felt completely taken over by stifled tears, so instead she ran out of the room, leaving a very confused Angel.
"Spike, Dawn!" Buffy called, chasing the two as they stalked through the graveyard.
"Sod off, Slayer!" Spike growled with familiar fierceness.
"Yeah Buff, why don't you go back and play tonsil hockey with you're ex-boyfriend and leave me and your current boyfriend alone," Dawn snidely shot at a much-agitated Buffy.
"Dawn, go home," Buffy said quietly through clenched teeth.
"Yeah right, so you can plead forgiveness for your flaming infidelities?" She turned to Spike with squinted eyes. "Don't do it Spike, don't give her the satisfaction."
"DAWN GET OUT OF HERE, GO HOME!" Buffy screamed with such intense feeling that it left both Dawn and Spike slightly jarred. He turned to look at her under his blanket while Buffy stared right back, both of them ignoring an unruly Dawn who stomped home. Spike bit his lip to resist the urge to throw something at the lovely, saddened, tear-streaked face in front of him that he loved more than existence itself and roughly turned away, continuing to walk back to his crypt.
"Spike wait-----" Buffy started, trying to hold him back by grabbing one his blanketed arms. He threw it off and continued to stride away, his back facing her. She stood heartbreaking still for a moment before following him. "Spike, where are going, what are you doing?" she asked, voice trembling with fear. She followed him as he burst into his crypt. He leapt to get a worn duffel bag.
"I'm packing," he snapped, avoiding her eyes.
"You don't have anything to pack, you're wearing everything you own," Buffy sharply retorted.
He snorted as he grabbed the half-empty duffel bag and his blanket. "Makes it the much easier to skip town, doesn't it?" he glibbed angrily as he started for the door. Buffy stood in his way.
"Skip town? Why?" Her body was becoming increasingly panicked, she could nearly feel her heartbeat race abnormally within her.
He whirled around to face her, and Buffy could see his demon side peaking, a yellow gem flickering in the center of each of his pupils. "Why do you think Slayer? You think I want to stay here and watch you and Peaches get all lovey-dovey? I'd rather you give me a sponge bath with some holy water right now."
"You can't leave!" she yelled, fiercely grabbing him by his coat but he easily brushed her off.
"Why not? I figure you and my grand pap of a sire will be wantin' some space."
Buffy clenched her teeth. "Angel and I are not------"
"I got eyes Slayer!!!" It was Spike turn to scream now. "What, you were gonna tell me it was a mistake? You tripped and feel onto his lips?!!" Buffy stiffened. Agonized at her silence, he grabbed his blanket and headed once more for the door.
"You can't leave!" she repeated in a voice that made Spike's insides quake. "You were the one who wasn't ever supposed to leave." Turning towards her, it broke Spike to see how lost and frightened she looked. He paused, wanting so much to give in. Instead, he just gritted his teeth.
"Yeah, well that was before you and Peaches decided to set up shop together, Slayer. You think I want to stick around to see that whole circus come to town again?"
"You've stuck around for much worse," Buffy whispered, but was cut off with Spike lunging at her.
"GIVE ME A REASON TO STAY, BUFFY!!" he yelled, but making it sound less like a demand, more like a plead. Buffy stiffened as he said her real name, not the nickname 'Slayer' that she most often detested. She stared up at him, mentally flooded with reasons for him to stay. Because Dawn needs you, because the Scoobs need you . . . because I need you . . . because I lov----
"The ritual," she whispered instead, her eyes narrowing. "Tonight. We need you for the ritual. Advert apocalypse, the whole deal. So you can't just skip town cause you insist on carrying this whole macho, bruised ego thing. You have to stay and help us save Willow."
Spike stared maddeningly at her, wanting so much to smack the simpering scowl of decision off of her face, but knowing deep down that she was right. "Fine," he snarled. "Fine, I'll stay for this bloody mess, but after this, I'm leaving. At least this way, it's a win-win situation. If it's done I get to leave town anyway. If not, at least the bloody end o' the world will let this friggin plastic fantastic town o' Sunnydale be wiped off the map."
Buffy, inwardly shook at the possibility at his departure, but tried to wipe it from her mind. "Fine," she whispered. "Come to the magic box at 6. We'll have to get ready." But she remained there, both of them motionless.
"You'd better go," Spike muttered, pointing to the door, his eyes towards the floor. Tears welling up in Buffy's eyes, she silently obeyed, slowly walking out of the crypt with the door ragingly slaming behind her. Standing in front of the crypt, she could hear sound of violent crashing and bashing inside, knowing that Spike was probably destroying everything in his place. Taking a much needed and tearful intake of air, Buffy wobbled her way home.