Title: The Crittendon Plan, as written by Shakespeare
Author: Richard M. Powell the original episode, Shakespeare the inspiration and several lines from many of his works, and me, Lauren (the Oboe one) putting it all together thanks to a challenge by Marilyn P and beta-ing by Patti, Marg, and Marilyn. So I don't actually deserve even a third of the credit for this. :-)
Author's Notes: With many apologies to Mr. Powell and Mr. Shakespeare...this was simply done out of love.
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Prologue
Narrator:
Two Americans, both alike in dignity,
In unfair Germany where we lay our scene.
Behold a Sergeant, erudite in ways incendiary
And his Colonel, adroit and deft at every scheme.
From forth the minds and hearts of these two men
A plan of sabotage doth soon take shape.
Forced liberation of a lesser fellow lend
obstacles that not soon enough abate.
The fearful passage of their perilous plan
With aspiration of safe return to guilded cage
And victorious completion for their land,
Is now half-hour's traffic on our stage.
The which if you with patient ears attend
The tangled tale of The Crittendon Plan.
----------
Scene 1: Outside Barracks 2
(Andrew Carter sits outside of Barracks 2, tossing a baseball aimlessly)
Carter:
Constantly amazed and woeful have I seen
the tragic cycle of life in this Stalag has been.
Days toil, tedium abounds in ansy wait
for nights of terror-filled excitement loved to hate.
I crave the ennui in midst of missions deep
and long to thrill while prisoner I keep.
(a window nearby opens and Cprl. LeBeau looks out)
But soft! What light though Barracks breaks?
'Tis the east, and friends from France the sun.
Hark, thy countenance be drawn in lines
of unpleasant curves and frowns.
LeBeau:
Deep beneath our feet doth give rise
to features drawn in uneasiness and torment.
Our Colonel ponders problems delivered
on wings of secret missives from abroad.
Make haste so thy meager skills are accessible!
(LeBeau reenters the Barracks)
Carter: (sighing)
Only I, in ungainly inadequateness
can enable meagerness to coincide
with skills of destruction on massive scales.
(optimistic)
Ah well, thus another opportunity hence
to prove my worth and redeem myself!
(Carter enters the Barracks and follows LeBeau down the ladder into the tunnels. At the radio stands Colonel Hogan, and Sergeant Kinch sits nearby.)
Hogan: (into radio)
Thy insistences change neither facts nor abilities.
Our intelligence doth evince thy tunnel secret
and fuel of such flammability expose a target
all are eager to engage, nevertheless presents
a price too dear to pay and distance too remote to travel!
London: (from radio)
All thy concerns be laid to rest.
Foresight hath arranged thy contact
with a compliment as fervent and exultant
as thy outstanding squad repeatedly display.
With such help our mission cannot fail,
however be advised that, alike in kind,
our friends rely on deep mistrust and
as such must be approached with utmost caution.
However abilities far outweigh eccentricities.
Hogan:
As such they must, for thy request requires
numbers most approaching a battalion!
To attempt with less is madness!
London:
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
A familiar fellow hath devised a strategy
of such ingenious efficiency that thy first task
be to remove him from incarceration in Stalag 16.
Hogan:
Whilst I admit to requesting further assistance,
is this subsequent risk worth the rewards?
London:
His plan contains such brilliance
we decreed the name and plan as one:
The Crittendon Plan.
Hogan: (upset)
Colonel Crittendon?
London:
Our confidence and wishes go with thee.
(There is a click on the line as London disconnects)
LeBeau:
Doth mine ears deceive me?
Surely our superiors do not propose
the abhorrent Crittendon on us!?
Kinch:
If only this were merely folly,
an unpleasant joke in poor jest.
LeBeau:
Disaster looms abundant on schemes
touched by such a fool as he!
Hogan:
I fail to perceive even one solitary instant
where my unequal colleague hath succeeded
in attempting the correct course of action!
Carter: (after a moments pause)
I loathe to seek all but failure in my fellows,
even in one as inept as Colonel Crittendon.
Perhaps my own desire to rise above past pitfalls
spurns my reluctant admission of possible good,
for with all that Colonel Crittendon has chosen poorly
he hath constantly placed much faith in me.
Hogan: (turning to Carter)
Then let one wise decision carry forward
as thy aid I enlist on this most perilous mission.
(Kinch and LeBeau move to offer false congratulations to Carter, patting him on the back)
Carter: (worried)
Misunderstand me not!
I remain eternally grateful for his esteem,
yet confirm that such faith is not returned in kind!
Hogan: (moving Carter towards the emergency tunnel)
Faith is fickle, skills are necessary,
and thine are of utmost importance.
Make haste now, access freedom
by way of our underground portals
and lay in wait till I am able to join thee.
Carter:
Our task is difficult at best!
Praytell how we shall be able
to accomplish such a trial?
Hogan: (sarcastic)
Thy questions be directed to the improper Colonel.
For who doth hold the answers besides that
whose strategy our answers hold identical names?
Place thy faith in the Crittendon Plan.
Carter: (resigned)
The Crittendon Plan?
Aye, wish that I were sure,
but choiceless I remain and so
will hold false hope in such.
Hogan:
Get thee to safety well outside these walls.
Be like thy namesake; small, swift, and sure through forest,
then lay in wait on north roads most familiar
till such times when I have the means to join thee.
Carter: (shrugging)
At thy command.
(Carter leaves out through the tunnel.)
Hogan: (to Kinch and LeBeau)
Our minds need occupied with matters of preparation.
Come! With haste priming my own escape must instate!
----------------
Scene 2: The next morning, in the main compound
(The men are starting to gather for morning roll call. Hogan stands to one side, looking worried. Cprl Newkirk approaches him.)
Newkirk:
Thy mood this morning emanates ill ease,
a worrisome trait in one so accustomed to
unparalleled confidence and inexhaustible jest.
Surely thou art not concerned with impending
coercion of our imbecilic Colonel Klink?
Hogan:
Hardly hast such worries crossed my mind!
However I abide preoccupied with disquiet
over fears of the worst laid plans of mice and men,
and again of the fate and fortune of young Carter.
Newkirk:
Now former worries, while veritable, cannot be affected
at present and thus to expend energy on such is a waste.
As for the latter, Andrew is a sturdy and steadfast companion
who shall endeavor to perform to the finest of abilities.
Thus if beseeched of me my preference in a pinch
I would request no finer comrade...then Kinch.
Hogan: (wryly)
Much thanks for thy soothing words of wisdom.
LeBeau:
Hark! The count has completed
and poor peaceable Schultz hath discovered
our flock has strayed and lost a member.
Klink: (emerging from his office)
Report!
Schultz: (upset)
Herr Kommandant!
As thou perceive from past presentation
I hesitate to submit to thee reports
of less then stellar sums and equals.
Thus I beg of thee...
Klink: (irritated)
Enough! Speak plainly, man,
and announce thy findings to the world!
Hogan: (stepping forward)
Stay amiable Schultz, allow me to deliver
such disquieting account, for thy bookkeeping
be not to blame but our false tally and missing
comrades explicate our less then standard sums.
Klink: (horrified)
Thou canst mean...
Hogan: (feigning sadness)
Aye, in cover of darkness and sleep
Sergeant Carter evaded friend and foe
to escape to greener pastures hence.
Klink:
Oh horror! Years of toil and diligence
to create a taintless chronicle of my
achievements as Kommandant have thus
been spoiled by a solitary solider!
Would it be in my power to strike down
mine enemy in haste would I act!
Hogan:
And thus I propose to thee a truce of sorts.
Stay thy vengeance and reign in thy minions,
hold thy anger and haste for retribution.
Allow me temporary freedom to capture
mine own and thus clean spotless once again
thy flawless record to a perfect shine.
Klink:
Thy will would have me believe
in honest intent to turn against
thy own comrades? Foolishness!
What reason wouldst thou have of such action?
Hogan: (laying it on thick)
Thy vast and terrible domination hath convinced me
against the foolhardy notion of flight from thy capture.
Such actions would surely bring death, and as such
my friend lays in danger of thy swift and terrible fate.
Allow me occasion to search him out and convert
his sagacity to those more amicable of survival.
Klink:
Why shouldst I place trust in foe
when friends surround and wait
to leap to my aid at a moments
declaration to hunt Carter for capture?
Hogan:
Thy soldiers are competent,
however remain oblivious to
the wondrous ways of his mind.
I have much familiarity, and as such
am in position to accurately account
for his actions in precise degrees.
I beseech thy patience in this matter
so that I may return us both alive.
Klink: (pondering the idea)
Thy points remain valid, and yet I hesitate
to send thee out unguarded and alone.
Thus I accept thy proposition with
one stipulation of the addition of Schultz.
(to Schultz)
Thy task be hence the capture of Sergeant Carter,
with Colonel Hogan as thy aid as well as thy prisoner.
Schultz:
Jawohl, Heir Kommandant!
Hogan: (pretending seriousness)
The fearful Sergeant Schultz?
Aye, now any thoughts of escape
fly free from my mind as his
is one of formidable skill!
Klink:
Now make haste!
Reports of absent captives canst
remain hidden long from superior eyes,
thus return in all alacrity with thy missing man!
Hogan: (grinning as Klink turns and leaves)
Aye, sir.
---------------
Scene 3: On a small dirt road in the woods.
(Carter sits against a tree by the side of the road, anxiously watching the distance)
Carter:
Past transgressions have yet to teach,
or I remain such a slow learner
as to belatedly comprehend that
my tendency is to speak too much.
If silence were my companion
then nights spent crouched in woods
instead of warm beds wouldn't be my fate.
Alas, my thoughts often fail to precede my speech.
(the sound of a truck approaching can be heard)
Ah, at last an end to endless night!
Henceforth am I no longer alone,
but joined by my sagacious superior
to being anew further adventures in this fearful land.
And so in hopes of setting a cheerful criterion
I shall greet my Colonel in a joking display!
(As the truck rounds the curve Carter stands up and sticks out his thumb as if hitchhiking. The truck comes to a slow stop a few feet away, and from the front exit Hogan and Schultz.)
Schultz: (approaching Carter with his rifle)
Much grievous sidetracking have I endured
on roads farfetched and tasks inane,
whilst thy commanding officer completes
errands of such dubious nature as
to stretch even my capacity to remain oblivious!
But forthwith has my own task completed
with thy discovery and capture!
Carter: (grinning)
Greetings, Schultz!
Schultz:
Pleasantries withstanding, remove thyself immediately
and retire to the confines of our vehicle,
yet be advised to refrain from pondering
such surreptitious actions as thou wouldst attempt!
(Carter moves around Schultz to stand by Hogan)
Hogan:
And praytell, my stocky sentry,
where doth thou intend to travel?
Schultz:
Our mission now accomplished,
hence hastily shouldst we return
to Stalag 13.
Hogan:
Yet wouldst not a more logical path
deviate towards the less familiar Stalag 16?
Our mandate remains explicit to
retrieve a further prisoner there.
Schultz: (confused)
Thy logic escapes me, and confounded am I
to perceive which prisoner thy mandate discusses.
Hogan:
What other impetus shouldst there be
for a secondary uniform secluded behind me?
Carter:
Thus the matter is settled!
(Hogan and Carter turn to head for the truck, but Schultz force them to turn back around.)
Schultz: (angry)
Hold fast! I remain steadfast!
To Stalag Thirteen and nowhere in-between.
Refrain from pressing thy luck, reenter the truck!
Hogan: (turning back towards the truck)
Thy command be obeyed, notwithstanding
thoughts of care and concern for thee.
Schultz: (stopping them again)
Why shouldst thou have consideration for me?
Hogan: (to Carter)
Hours plenty have passed since thy flight.
Hath enemies most fearful detected thy trail?
Carter: (catching on)
Oh! Lamentable prospects dog my shadows,
as agents of Gestapo trail not far ensuing.
Schultz:
I have ineffectual concern or dread of such powerful men,
for loyal actions of bravery in the capture of
a prisoner of dangerous and deadly means have
proven my worth in eyes of all those above me.
Hogan:
Such assurity! Let us pray thy fortitude
remains as copious as thy girth
when inquest into such irregular items
as are contained and secluded in our vehicle initiates.
Schultz: (frantic)
But I have ne'er known anything,
eminently in specific about those items!
Hogan: (shrugging)
My word of honor to defend thy ignorance
in the face of all who wouldst question me,
for spans as extensive as I can endure.
Carter:
Thus thy secret remain safe,
at least for some scarce hours.
Schultz: (thinking for a moment, then rolling his eyes)
Hast fortune ever smiled upon my fate,
when spans accompanying Colonel Hogan rate
iffy propositions at every previous date?
Yet I remain as always choiceless and ignorant,
thus to Stalag 16, in hopes it be not permanent.
(All three head for the truck, Hogan driving. Schultz, after handing his rifle to Carter to hold for a moment, gets into the passenger seat. Carter jumps in the back. The truck continues towards Stalag 16.)
------------
Scene 4: In the main compound of Stalag 16
(Schultz sits in the truck waiting nervously. Hogan and Carter have changed into Luftwaffe uniforms and are waiting nearby.)
Carter: (quietly, ansy)
Didst thou perceive error in my performance
that would cause Heir Kommandant to tarry
in delivering Colonel Crittendon unto us?
Hogan: (quietly, assured)
Thy performance, whilst slightly over abundant,
was of ample sufficiency to grant our demands.
Carter: (quietly)
Still I fail to comprehend the rationale
that I shouldst play a higher roll then thee.
Hogan: (quietly)
In simple reason, thou doth speak the language
with greater fluency, if not greater intelligence.
Carter: (quietly, happy at first, then confused)
I am honored...I think...sir.
(A Sergeant approaches and salutes)
Sergeant:
Heir Major!
I have been appointed to thy aid
in interrogation of thy requested prisoner.
Ain't it please thee, allow my service
to lead unto his most humble domicile!
(Hogan and Carter follow the Sergeant into one of the Barracks and into the officers quarters, where Colonel Crittendon sits at a small table.
Sergeant:
May I present Colonel Crittendon, Major!
Crittendon: (upset)
Such effrontery to disrupt what scant privacy
that has been affirmed to me! Explain...
Carter: (interrupting)
Silence!
(to Sergeant)
Leave us in cloistered conversation.
(The Sergeant salutes and leaves, closing the door behind him)
Crittendon: (angry)
Doth mine eyes deceive me?
In immense consternation do I perceive
thy turncoat ways in offering aid to enemy!
Particularly thy involvement Carter, having
enjoyed much loyalty and honor in thee!
Hogan:
Thine eyes deceive, as our costumes
are just and exclusively that!
Our loyalties remain on admirable Allies,
and as such have disguised our allegiance
in attempt to liberate thee from thy imprisonment.
Crittendon: (suddenly cheerful)
Ah! Naturally!
(he looks around in suspicion and drops his voice)
Whilst thy actions receive ample appreciation,
I have contrived a method of escape
to allow my own refined skills the vainglory
of absconding on mine own merits.
(he pulls out a spoon and motions to move to the floor)
Observe my guarded secret, a tunnel,
completed in mere months by my hand.
(he tries to pulls up a board on the floor and the spoon bends in half)
Pity, such occurrences are frequent...
Hogan: (interrupting, impatient)
Ignore such folly and place thy ephemeral attention
on queries asked in haste and importance!
Hast thou contrived a strategy our superiors
have christened the Crittendon Plan?
Crittendon: (smiling)
With great joy do I attest to such,
and am exhilarated to ascertain
thy purpose be to fulfill my prospect
of accomplishing the Crittendon Plan!
(Hogan and Carter look at each other, satisfied but not terribly happy)
Hogan:
That doth solve one problem,
although I perceive it shall, in time,
cause innumerable more.
Carter, summon our guide.
Carter:
Aye sir, although I wouldst admit
to believing our fellow Colonel
had potential to...
Hogan: (interrupting)
I repeat, simply summon thy Sergeant!
Carter:
Aye sir.
(opening the door and speaking to the Sergeant)
Guard! Our suspicion hath been confirmed,
and as such thy prisoner shall now be transferred
to our custody and close scrutiny posthaste!
Retrieve his belongings and deliver them unto our truck.
Sergeant:
Jawohl Heir Major!
(As the Sergeant gathers Crittendon's things, Hogan and Crittendon head towards the Barracks exit with Carter right behind.)
Crittendon: (softly)
Wondrous am I that dreams of such plans
coming to fruition have changed to reality!
Hogan: (softly)
Only I hope and pray thy scheme
is worth such risk in thy retrieval.
Crittendon: (softly, pausing at exit)
It outlasts all scrutiny and,
if allowed to admit,
is genius in simplicity.
Pause to conceive the enhanced esprit
conferred on exhausted airmen who,
whenst they return to safe homelands,
gently set down on runways nestled
in carpets of crimson geraniums!
(Hogan and Carter exchange confused glances)
Hogan and Carter: (together)
Geraniums?!
Crittendon: (blissfully caught up in the idea)
The beauty and grace, superb memoirs
of homes and mothers long lost in the past.
It's aid in wars fought and won
on battlefields within the mind.
Hogan: (horrified)
And thy plan is plants?
Crittendon:
Geraniums available and visible
along the planes path of victory!
Carter: (sadly, to Hogan)
Canst thou perceive a way to abandon
such a ineffectual plan and man?
Hogan: (angry)
Unfortunate circumstances prevent
thy most mutual and preferred desire.
Crittendon: (slightly oblivious)
Doth thou perceive a problem?
Hogan: (angry and sarcastic)
Of course not! By all means,
let us hence endeavor to change
our profession from Allied operative
and become most noble gardeners!
(Hogan and Carter move for the exit, but Crittendon marches to the center of the Barracks and snaps to attention to address his men.)
Crittendon:
My loyal, admirable men!
Carry on in the spirit I have inspired,
keep thy heads held high,
and thus shall I see thy faces again!
(With a sharp salute he turns and marches out the door. Hogan and Carter exchange rueful glances and follows him.)
---------------------------
Scene 5: A bar
(Crittendon, Hogan and Carter all sit at a table quietly discussing the upcoming plan. Schultz is on a nearby payphone trying to update Klink on the "chase")
Hogan:
Thus our plans had, till now,
been left unto thee and yet
with such miscommunication
as hath obviously occurred,
I fail to perceive exactly
our next course of action.
Crittendon:
Canst we not simply retreat
and persevere with plans of plants?
Hogan:
No!
Crittendon:
Pity.
Schultz: (coming over from phone)
My apologies at this imprudent interruption,
yet my direct superior hath requested of thee,
Colonel Hogan, mine prevalent superior,
details on our search and capture of young Carter.
Hogan:
My mind toils onerous with details
of substantially more important matters.
Inform thy master of such, if you please.
Schultz:
Gladly wouldst I impart such a missive,
and yet what elucidation shall I give if asked
what matters couldst weigh so heavy on thy mind
as to impede discourse with thy technical captor?
Hogan:
If thy desire be in the details
then hence shall I provide...
Schultz: (interrupting)
Nay, nay!
Tis best if I myself invent answers
more pleasing then thy truths.
(Schultz heads back for the telephone. At the door a man and woman enter.)
Carter:
Whilst descriptions of our fellows
remains necessarily vague,
I believe comrades of interest
have hence entered our presence.
Hogan: (to Crittendon)
For matters of importance remain silent!
I shall conduct our business in haste
and riposte any and every question
that may arise from our future friends.
Crittendon: (bristling)
Doth thou believe thy actions
to take command of this mission
are of right and necessary means?
Hogan: (exasperated)
Aye!
Crittendon: (backing down)
I simply felt compelled to be sure.
(The Man and Woman sit down at the table next to Hogan, Carter and Crittendon.)
Man: (glancing at his arm, reciting)
My former cleanliness has been replaced
with unseemly spots staining my sleeve.
(he spits on it)
Whilst origins are simply conjecture,
from tasty stroganoff it certainly originated.
Hogan: (reciting)
In periods of peace I prefer
to play Parcheesi on Sunday.
Woman: (reciting)
Thy stroganoff be better suited
for ensuing times of year, I believe.
Carter: (reciting)
My childhood was filled with familiar pets,
one a beloved bunny I pine for to this day.
Crittendon:
Ah, mine own history is awash
with pleasant memories of pets long gone,
correspondingly a rabbit like thine own...
Man: (angry, jumping to his feet)
Thy statements fit not within our standard code!
Hogan: (quietly)
Restrain thyself and retake thy chair!
His improvisation is innocent and
purely to add a flavor of amusement
to an otherwise prosaic narration.
Man: (calming down)
Thou art the one called Hogan?
Hogan: (nodding, then indicating the others)
Sergeant Carter, Colonel Crittendon.
Man:
Unease sits unwell in my heart as
I fear thy efforts bring too few men!
Woman:
If thy heart was as puissant as thy will
then such schemes wouldst require less men!
Hogan: (trying to pacify everyone)
Our skills compliment our tasks,
beyond which we come prepared
with thy most coveted strategy;
The Crittendon Plan.
Man:
Wouldst thou impart unto me
specifics of thy wondrous plan?
Crittendon:
Which one?
(Hogan and Carter glare at Crittendon. Then Schultz once again approaches.)
Schultz:
Once again much pardon...
Man: (alarmed)
Thou shouldst consort with the enemy?
Hogan:
Schultz be neither friend nor foe,
a simple man of simple means
who simply remains oblivious
as well as choiceless of sides.
Schultz:
And yet if choices shouldst I make
would I chose thy task to undertake
to discuss particularly for my sake
with Klink current progress we make.
Hogan: (rising)
My apologies, Schultz,
but our time here grows to a close
and so shall depart for important matters.
(Everyone gets up to follow)
Schultz:
What illogical path are we now to follow?
Hogan:
Thy fate be to remain here,
for our path contains much
that thy wonderfully simple
constitution couldn't clasp.
Fear not, for we shall return
in merely a day or two.
Schultz: (alarmed)
A day or two?
Hogan:
Aye, yet my promises
of no more then seven.
(Hogan, Carter, Crittendon, Man and Woman move off, but before reaching the door the Man stops everyone)
Man:
Before our association continues
I demand one simple solid rule;
today or future days hence shall
neither of thee approach the girl.
Hogan:
What girl?
Crittendon:
Girl?
Carter:
What girl?
(The Man motions towards the door where a very attractive lady stands. The three men are obviously a bit smitten.)
Hogan:
Nay, our words that thy
shapely and most pleasing
companion shall have nothing
to fear of me or mine.
(They exit the bar, leaving Schultz alone)
Schultz: (resigned)
Aye me, and thus I once again admit
to adage old; ignorance is bliss.
-------------------
Scene 6: Off the road about a mile from the bridge
(Carter sits by the fire looking tired, Crittendon stands nearby)
Crittendon:
Thou art weary, my good lad!
Lines of exhaustion draw thy face.
Carter:
Verily, for whilst thy pleasure
be to converse with the young Nadya,
and correspondingly my Colonel
hath lead both Carla and Marko
in quiet quest to scrutinize our sortie,
thus I remain to disburden yonder truck.
Crittendon:
Then stay in quiet repose close
to thy fire and catch a scant precious
few hours of slumber in preparation
for our arduous devoir that lie forthwith.
As well in silent repose shall I rejoin to ponder
why tasks of mine own devising seemingly
create displeasure among thy Colonel.
Carter:
Aye, sir.
(Crittendon moves several feet away into the darkness to lay down on some blankets.)
Carter: (to himself)
Thus to sleep, perchance to dream.
And be he then blessed by enlightenment
of his oft skewed wisdom, for whilst
mine own judgment remains in doubt
by friends and comrades I trust with my life,
even I might perceive flaws in his sense.
For there are more things in heaven and earth
than are dreamt of in his philosophy.
But best am I to grant my own blessed rest,
and leave such deep thoughts to one whom
I and all entrust for the best, Colonel Hogan.
(Carter lays down by the fire and in a few minutes he's fast asleep. Several minutes pass and then Nadya appears, creeping quietly over to where Crittendon is sleeping and gently wakes him.)
Nadya: (quietly)
Doth slumber arrive at thy door already?
Crittendon: (quietly)
My dear girl, thy alighting my sight
doth prevent sleep from access.
Nadya: (quietly)
Interests in such that thy comrades
have investigated doth spark my
curiosity and thus I search for thee
to enlighten my mind and intellect.
Crittendon: (getting up quietly)
Consider myself flattered at thy wish
to come to me for aid and assistance.
Thus affably shall I grant thy most
logical and reasonable request.
(They get up and head off towards the tunnel. An hour passes, and Carter wakes up.)
Carter: (sitting up)
Whilst last night slumber escaped
my grasp as I, preoccupied with
escaping my Stalag, spent night
in flight and anxious concealment;
tonight my mind is enthralled in
viable solutions to explosive problems.
Thus I wake following scant rest.
(he shrugs)
When our mission is but a memory
then the luxury of lengthy leisure
shall I enjoy, but for now I,
in undisguised anxious interest
whilst my companion enjoys his rest,
attack with all rapt resolution
the method to finish our madness.
(Carter moves to one of the boxes and retrieves several sticks of dynamite. He returns to the fire and begins inspecting them. After a few minutes Hogan returns with Carla and Marko.)
Hogan:
Greetings, Carter.
Carter: (showing the dynamite)
And happy returns to thee, Colonel.
Thou hast discovered my inspection
of our most superior wares.
Marko:
Thy attention remains diverted and
as such I find my companion missing.
Carter: (confused)
Nadya is absent?
Hogan: (looking around)
As is Colonel Crittendon.
Carter: (rising)
Nay, for bedded down is he
in blankets kept among...
(he looks back and sees the blankets, but no Crittendon)
Apparently mistaken am I,
yet am puzzled in this discovery.
Marko: (upset, glaring at Carter)
My explicit directive contained
the instructions Nadya remained
alone and unmolested whilst in thy company!
(All four are startled as Nadya and Crittendon appear from out of the forest.)
Crittendon:
Greetings, my friends!
Whilst our main objective in locating
thy whereabouts is ultimately achieved
after much lengthy exploration,
I must admit enjoyment of the chase
as my company was quite pleasant
in both beauty and conversation.
Marko: (angry, to Nadya)
Thou wouldst lie in wait until
our presence is absent so
thy will can have it's way?
Disclose thy actions, forthwith!
Nadya: (scornful)
Thy filthy mind leads all thoughts down
ugly paths of inaccurate conclusions!
My intent contained more noble causes
as I inquired on all matters pertinent,
and thus have discovered unhappy truths
of immense stupidity and ignorance!
His limited knowledge is oblivious
of our target convoy, instead is held
in rapture on such frivolous schemes
of planting plants in far off fields!
Hogan: (upset)
Crittendon!
Crittendon:
Her questions lead my belief
of her honest interest!
(Marko steps forward to grab Nadya and push her to Carla, then before anyone can stop him he raises his rifle and smashes the radio to pieces.)
Marko: (smug)
Now thy treacherous misdeeds
are thus limited to actions
performed within my keen sight,
with no one to inform. No one!
Hogan: (angry)
Thy rash and hasty actions
have assured just as such.
Crittendon:
Oh bad show.
Marko: (to Nadya and Carla)
I like him not, nor stands it safe
with us to let his madness range.
Gather up our meager supplies
and prepare a most unhappy retreat.
(Marko herds Nadya and Carla off to reload the truck. Hogan turns to Carter.)
Hogan: (softly)
I canst allow such folly to continue
due to mistrust and false deceit.
Gather up what materials that can
be scrounged ere consigned away
and create a bomb of such efficacy
to complete our task in one fell blow.
Carter:
I shall attempt to do as thy command but what,
pray tell, shall thy efforts be directed towards?
Hogan: (glancing at Crittendon)
Thy Colonels shall attempt to move
mountains of men with words of wisdom.
(Hogan drags Crittendon off to talk with Marko while Carter runs to make a bomb. An hour later the truck is packed but nothing else is settled.)
Hogan: (to Carter)
Our time to execute grows close,
art thou prepared in thy task?
Carter: (holding up his jerryriged bomb)
My belief and hope be contained
in this hastily assembled device,
and whilst scant span hath been afforded
all facility and skill are poured into it.
Marko: (grabbing his rifle and pointing it at Carter and Hogan)
Thy efforts remain fruitless,
for it's use shall not be put
to the test as I avert attempts
to abscond with ill intent.
Hogan:
Didst explanations of our errors
not sway a parcel of thy judgment?
Our faulty facts and reasons lent
us unto the wrong Colonel Crittendon.
(to Crittendon)
If thou pardon my expression.
Crittendon:
Simple facts stated simply,
with no pardon necessary.
Hogan: (to Marko)
If thy will remain to prevent our scheme
with bullets then let thy hated rifle ring,
or remain behind in safe concealment,
or allay thy fears and hasten to join
stalwart attempts to master our enemies.
But we shall proceed with none precluding.
(to Carter)
Take thy contrivance into yonder truck.
Carter: (rising)
Aye, sir.
Marko: (moving to aim at Carter)
Halt!
Carla: (coming to stand between Carter and Marko)
Arrest thy bluff forthwith,
for assuredly do I proclaim
his false intent to fire on thee.
I shall accompany thy cabal.
Marko: (to Carla)
How canst thee put thy erroneous faith
in such a foolhardy and chancy plan?
Carla:
With noble purpose to fight our mutual
and most despised enemies, Germans.
(Hogan heads for the truck, followed by Carla, Carter and Crittendon.)
Marko:
Let thy madness range,
but lacking the girl!
Nadya:
I care not to remain in safe seclusion
mere inches from death yet saved myself.
Let thy cowardice control thee,
I shall merge with the fight!
(She joins the rest as they enter the truck. When its obvious Marko will not join them Hogan sits in the passenger seat, Carter driving.)
Hogan: (to Carter)
Once more into the breach, dear friend.
(Carter starts the truck and they head out for the road. Marko stands by the road watching them go in fear.)
---------------------
Scene 7: On the road one mile from the tunnel
(The truck is parked to block the road. Carter has climbed up top and is watching down the road with binoculars. Hogan is talking with Crittendon, Carla and Nadya by the drivers door. Crittendon is trying to keep a hold of the bomb.)
Hogan: (to Crittendon)
When such beautiful bait brings down
the convoy to a halt then hide thyself
beneath the forward most vehicle.
Affix Carter's handiwork hastily,
as we shall endeavor to keep distracted
and offballence our enemy till completion.
Doth thou grasp our strategy?
Crittendon: (still trying to hold onto the bomb)
Aye, yet verily do I admit
to difficulty retaining hold!
(Crittendon almost drops part of the bomb, but fortunately catches it in time. Hogan glares at him.)
Carter:
Affix thy attention to yonder pass,
where convoys of evil doth approach!
Hogan:
Then our time hath come.
Carter, set thy timer.
(Carter jumps down, giving his binoculars to Hogan and taking the bomb from Crittendon to set the timer. Hogan looks down the road to watch the convey come.)
Hogan:
Damn! With little consternation
do I realize such bad timing remains,
as Marko doth sit held constant captive
unhappily in yonder forward truck.
Nadya: (angry)
The false swine! To accuse us
of his own awful treachery!
Carter:
Shouldst we continue, Colonel?
Hogan:
Aye, for times have lapsed to change our fate.
Carla: (grabbing her rifle and moving to the woods)
I shall remain in close concealment
and stand ready to strike him down
if just one word of ill intent is uttered!
Crittendon:
A wise precaution, and yet
is not the fate of an explosive
painful death poor pity if he
remains simply a silent prisoner?
Hogan:
Be more the pity, but remains
no longer our concern.
Nadya, take thy place,
and thine as well, Crittendon.
(Carter hands Crittendon the now ticking bomb. He takes it and crawls under the truck. Hogan, Carter and Nadya conceal themselves behind the truck. As the convoy approaches Nadya steps out, giving an alluring smile. The lead truck stops immediately.)
Nadya: (demurely)
Greetings.
(Carter and Hogan storm out from around the truck, heading right for the Sergeant in the drivers seat.)
Carter: (acting furious)
Be thy mandate to pause in pleasant conversation
with all vagrants whose paths thy convoy crosses?
Sergeant:
Nien, Heir Major, I...
Carter: (interrupting, to Hogan)
Lieutenant, proceed to scrutinize his transport,
for where one doth find error a tendency
is there for multiples more then singles!
Hogan:
Aye, sir.
Carter:
Dismount thy position, Sergeant!
(Hogan moves to the side of the truck, pretending to inspect it while really watching Crittendon's progress. The Sergeant comes out of the truck to stand next to Carter, who moves to block the Sergeant's view of Hogan.)
Carter:
Thy eyes shall remain on my instruction
at all times, as verily do I examine thy worth!
(pointing to Marko)
Thy former answers wouldst protest,
and yet here in ample proof discovered
passengers of un-enlisted civilians!
Doth thy convoy double as transit service?
Sergeant:
Nien, Heir Major!
Carter:
Methinks the Sergeant doth protest too much.
Sergeant:
Patrols hath uncovered such shifty spy
and reasoned involvement in groups
contrary to our most noble objectives.
Thus from harm to hostage his conversion.
Carter:
And as enemy armies tarry in covert groves
thy actions pause twice and clump thy convoy?
Marko: (looking nervous)
Sergeant...
(All eyes turn on him.)
Sergeant:
Explain thy interruption!
(Marko goes to speak, but then notices Carla in the woods with her rifle aimed directly at him.)
Marko:
Excuse my unintentional interlude for
I have discovered thoughts of mine have fled.
Carter: (to Hogan)
Hath thy inspection reached it's conclusion?
(to the Sergeant, who's started watching Hogan)
Refrain thy eyes from straying!
(As the Sergeant looks away a bundle of dynamite rolls out from under the truck. Hogan quickly kicks it back under to Crittendon, who smiles up in thanks and continues to attach the bomb.)
Hogan:
In scant seconds, Heir Major.
Carter: (to the Sergeant)
Remount thy vehicle.
(As the Sergeant starts to climb back up into the truck Marko makes a break for it. He dashes out and heads for the woods, but before he can escape one of the Nazi's shoots him in the back. He falls to the ground. The Sergeant moves towards Marko.)
Carter: (quickly)
Refrain thy hasty actions!
His remains shall remain in our custody
as thy obligation abide with thy convoy!
Sergeant: (stopping, then turning around to get back in the truck)
Jawohl, Heir Major!
(Hogan comes to stand by Carter, giving him a discrete nod to indicate that Crittendon has finished attaching the bomb.)
Carter: (to Sergeant)
Proceed, and be warned of my intent to
inform thy superiors of less than stellar actions!
(Carter and Hogan return to their truck as the lead truck drives around them. Carla and Nadya run up as Crittendon appears from under the truck.)
Hogan: (to Carter)
Tarry not, for fellows of thy Sergeant
arrive in all haste to enter yonder tunnels.
Remove our truck to safe security
as I assist in the custody of Marko.
Carter:
Aye, sir.
Hogan: (to Crittendon)
Didst thou complete thy tasks in haste?
Crittendon:
Hasty exertion prove scant challenges
for one of such remarkable skill!
When doth our fireworks display?
Hogan: (checking his watch)
Two minutes.
Crittendon: (surprised)
Coo...much thanks at mine ignorance!
(Carter pulls the truck into the woods while Hogan and Crittendon head over to where Nadya and Carla are tending to Marko.)
Hogan:
How fairs our feisty friend?
Marko: (gruffly)
I shall live.
Carla:
'Tis but a scratch, easily mended,
despite what thy acting didst indicate.
Hogan:
Then let us to shelter in all haste!
(They all help Marko hide in the woods near the truck. Carter grabs his binoculars and climbs a tree to get a clear view of the tunnel. They anxiously wait.)
Carter:
Our prey hath entered it's den.
What doth the time indicate?
Hogan: (checking his watch)
I fear our fireworks were set to display
in close past tense, Crittendon doth thy...
(Hogan is interrupted by a gigantic explosion that rocks the ground. Everyone turns in joy to see a fireball erupt into the air.)
Carter: (gleefully)
The fruits of mine labors doth
taste and view in equal sweetness!
Nothing be left in it's wake save
twisted metal and smashed baneful hopes!
Nadya: (overcome)
What joy! Thou art wonderful!
(Nadya grabs Hogan and they kiss.)
Marko: (sitting up)
None shall caress the girl!
(Hogan and Nadya stop kissing to look at Marko.)
Crittendon:
Oh, pity.
Hogan: (regretfully letting go of Nadya)
Whilst my pleasure be to remain in thy embrace,
loose ends doth trip our equipoise enjoyment.
Come, let us finish our tasks and return in all haste
to that which whence we woefully came.
(They start packing up the truck and head out.)
---------------
Scene 8: The main compound of Stalag 13
(The truck pulls through the gates to stop in front of Klink's quarters. Hogan, back in his normal cloths, helps an ansy Schultz out of the front. Carter, also back in his regular uniform, jumps out of the back. They come to stand in line in front of the truck.)
Schultz: (worried)
How canst thy features remain
in such calm stoicism as if
our conduct didst not contain
even a modicum of artful intent?
Hogan:
Thy conduct remained precise,
and as such answer in truthful facts.
Carter:
Hark, our captor appears.
And in foul humor I fear.
(Klink emerges from his quarters to storm up to the three.)
Schultz: (snapping to attention)
Heir Kommandant!
'Tis with immense exultation do I report
tasks of thy choosing hath been completed!
Thus stands before you my aid, Colonel Hogan
in turn our captured prisoner, Sergeant Carter.
Klink: (angry)
Mine eyes are exceedingly capable
of distinguishing such as thy report!
Hence explain, in details numerous,
why thy actions require three days!
Hogan:
Thy mandate ordered actions without
time constraints in rightly manner,
for numerous hours are necessary
in venery of one as wily as a fox.
Klink: (to Schultz)
Why didst thy reports originate
in entirety from a beer hall?
Schultz:
Truth, in fact, by virtue of its
availability of a telephone.
Klink:
Thy rebuttals remain unacceptable!
Carter:
My pardons, sir, for I do admit
mine own misdeeds create such
an unwelcome aftermath.
Hence I endeavor to explain thus;
the chase in length and breadth
was most arduous and wearisome,
certainly to be entered into annals
containing notable hunts of history...
Hogan: (trying to cut him off)
Carter!
Carter: (pausing, then giving Hogan an apologetic look)
My apologies, sir, yet abide a moment
as I am compelled to extol thy virtues.
(to Klink)
Combined in strength against such dangerous opponents,
mine own bantam efforts were of no equal!
Klink: (pondering a moment, then moving to Schultz)
In light of thy actions and praise
of thy fortitude do I grant unto thee
days of rest in equal amounts
to days of toil spent hunting thy captive.
Schultz: (smiling)
Most hardy thanks, Heir Kommandant!
Klink: (moving to Hogan)
As thy aid remains responsible for
such successful and bloodless capture,
I grant unto thee supplementary paper
to enjoy in correspondence to thy kin.
Hogan: (smiling)
Thy actions remain as generous
as thy character doth grant.
Carter: (as Klink moves to stand in front of him)
Praytell what doth thy character
keep in store for me, sir?
Klink: (frowning)
Punishment for thy actions remains
thy only earned reward!
Thus I sentence thee in uncomfy
confinement of thirty days!
DIS-missed!
(Klink leaves, reentering his office. Schultz gives Carter a shrug then heads off. Hogan and Carter walk towards the Cooler, for a moment silent.)
Carter: (sadly)
Once again have I proven
my tendency is to speak too much?
Hogan: (nodding)
Aye, thou doth speak too much.
Carter: (approaching the Cooler)
I admit to anticipating ample span to
recuperate and revive from arduous past.
However such dismal and discomforting
confines leave me little at ease.
Hogan: (putting an arm around Carter's shoulders)
Stay thy forlorn thoughts, and remain
as thou art always; in good spirits.
Come morning by sly words shall
thy imprisonment be reduced
from months to days and then
from days to hours and hence
shall thy rapid release be assured!
For comfort dwell on this;
thy actions on this most difficult
assignment remain above reproach,
even commendable, and thus
much thanks I offer thee for
thy most invaluable aid in such.
(With a smile and pat on the back, Hogan heads for his own Barrack.)
Carter: (grinning)
Abruptly doth my mood change,
as praise be not dolled out lightly!
Thus do I now perceive mine
incarceration in more pleasant light.
Whilst soon I crave adventure
away from such dismal walls,
my spirits be now uplifted in
greater faith in mine own abilities,
and grant unto me a most surprising
and delightful ending to this exploit!
(A guard comes forward and leads Carter into the Cooler.)
----------------
Epilogue
Narrator: (the Oboe one)
If this transcript has offended,
think but this, and all is mended;
that you have but slumber'd here
while these visions did appear.
And this weak an idle theme,
no more yielding but a dream.
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, I will mend.
And, as I am an honest fan
of both the show and of the man,
present in joyous joking have I
hoped to explain both how and why.
So, good night unto you all
as another HH eppy doth fall.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
and laughter shall restore amends.
THE END