~MY HEART CRIES~

*Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today

You've moved on

I still feel exactly the same

It's just the that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name

Like photographs and memories of love

Steel and granite reminders

The city calls your name and I can't move on*

I know she loves me. I have to hold onto that. It's all I have now. A week ago she forced me away. I was a coward. I don't deserve her. I should have refused, I should have held her, I was scared she would slip away so I left. Thought she would be happy, this is what she wanted. But I picture her frail and gaunt, thinking me dead and I know she's not happy.

I walk the L.A. streets and everything reminds me of her. Places that we went like the pier haunt me with memories. Places that we would have gone, if life had chosen another route, another choice. If fate had not chosen us to be the two most miserable souls to walk the earth. These places haunt me with images from a dream. Her smiling face. Her hand in mine. Her lips pressing against mine. Holding a baby, a miniature Sydney. Happiness. The dream that will never be our reality.

*Am I all alone in the universe?

There's no love on these streets

I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway

So this is my new freedom

It's funny

I don't remember being chained

But nothing seems to make sense anymore*

No one can understand the way I feel. I am free from the life of a CIA officer, I resigned. Couldn't handle not handling her. But I am bound to her no matter what. I will never be free from the worry, the anxiety that something is wrong, that I won't be there to soothe away the nightmare that is her life.

Why did I let her go? I let her down. She needed me. I walked away. I want to go back but she hates me. She didn't hate me before but she will hate me for leaving. She asked me to but I should have stayed. I owed her that. I wanted that. I needed that.

My life is nothing anymore. An endless loop. Walking around the city mourning, going home, mourning.

*And time goes by so slowly

The nights are cold and lonely

I shouldn't be holding on

But I'm still holding on for you*

A week. Is that all it's been? I could have lived and died a thousand times. It feels like eternity. I never had her, so how can I miss her so much? I mourn that which I never had, never belonged to me. But it was mine. Whether it was real or not, the love we shared was mine. I gave it away. Everyone says to move on. There's no use. Nothing will change. But they don't see. I can't. I can't let her go. How can you let go of your own heart? It stays with you forever, beating inside you until you're gone. Just like she does.

I look up from the street I've been walking down, never taking in the surroundings. I'm shocked to see where I am. I'm in front of her house. Her car is there. She's yards away. I have been lead back. I won't turn away this time. I can't give her up.

*Here I go again

I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today

But I'm standing at your doorway

I'm calling out your name because I can't move on*