TITLE: Running Away
AUTHOR: Jillian
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: The Truth
ARCHIVE INFO: If you want it, e-mail me at JILLIBEAN@aol.com and let me know so I can be proud!
FEEDBACK: Yes! Absolutely! I live for feedback! You can review it here, or e-mail me at JILLIBEAN@aol.com
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Mulder, Scully, Cancerman, or the X-Files. They belong to CC, 1013, and FOX. No infringement was intended.
The lyrics of "Running Away" are used without permission. The song is by "Hoobastank," on their self-titled album.
SUMMARY: Missing scene from The Truth, the car drive from the ruins to the hotel. Scully hears a song in the car that makes her think, please read and review!
AUTHORS NOTES: This song totally reminded me of Mulder and Scully, and their situation in "The Truth." I heard it in the car the other day, and this fic basically wrote itself. The song, by the way, is excellent. Go out and get the CD if your into rock. Enjoy!
* * * * *
I'm running after Mulder, towards the large Ford truck that awaits us. Helicopters are flying, things are burning, Cancerman is presumably dying. I'm in shock. Total and utter shock. How could Mulder do this to me? How could he not tell me? We've searched together, *we*, both of us, not just him. Why would he keep something like this from me?
Does he think I cannot handle it? Haven't I proven myself to him? What more do I have to do?
How could he hide the colonization date from me? It was something that could have been vital in his trial--hell, even if the trial was fixed, I deserved to know. I shouldn't have had to hear it from a despicable old man. The silence in the car is painful, he knows and I know it. He doesn't know what to say, and I have nothing to say. He clicks on the radio. It's one of those mix stations that plays all sorts of music, and I listen to the painfully off key bantering of some teen pop group. For quite some time I space out, just staring, just thinking. Music comes and goes, as do commercials, but I am not listening. My attention is pulled back to the radio when the loud mouth DJ announces "new music." I sit back, and for lack of anything better to do, listen to the words.
*I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be*
The song reminds me of our situation. I don't want to see Mulder give up OUR quest, just because the end seems so final. I don't want to see him abandon his hopes or dreams. Most of all, I'm upset, I'm hurt--I'm *devastated.* Did he think I couldn't handle the truth? How could he deny me this knowledge? How could he believe I wouldn't be able to handle it? I am just as strong as he is, and I thought he knew that by now. What do I have to do to prove myself? I don't need him pitying me, thinking I'm too weak to handle the truth. Yes, maybe it is bigger than us, but is it bigger than our trust? I thought trust was the biggest thing of all. He never gave me the chance to know, to talk to him about it, he never gave us the chance to be together. He was always chasing the next big thing, until he found the biggest of all. The biggest of all, and he didn't even tell me.
*And I don't need you to be by my side
And tell me that everything's all right
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you*
The songs resemblance to our situation is uncanny. It's true--I don't need to be comforted or protected by Mulder, I've never needed that. It's something I've worked my entire career with him to prove. I do not need him to hide me from reality--no matter how terrible reality may be. I don't want to hear lies about how it will all work out, I just want the truth. The truth not only he, but *we* searched for. Together. I deserve to know just as much as he does.
*So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?*
I remember sitting in the jail cell with him, wondering how he could not tell me whatever it was he knew. How he could run away from me like that. How he could say those things to me, and not confide in me... That hurt me. I deserve better than to be abandoned in ignorance like he did to me.
*I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough*
I would do anything for Mulder. I practically brought him back from the dead! I gave up so much for this work... To find this truth. My sister Missy, Emily, my health, my fertility, and my miracle--OUR miracle--William. Shouldn't our son have been proof of our love--our TRUST? That we would fight the good fight together, and that when we found the truth, no matter how devastating, we would share it? Even if it was terrible, or unstoppable? I lost so much in this search, this battle, yet he felt I couldn't handle the end result? How much more do I have to give, or suffer, or lose to show him that I *can*? How many times do I have to tell him not to give up, not to assume the worst? How many times do I have to promise I'll always be with him, searching, before he'll share anything with me?
*When I get close you turn away,
Nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I would do that for you*
It hurt me that he wouldn't tell me, back in DC, in the jail cell. We got so close to the truth together, and he found it. I deserved to know, yet he pushed me away. And still, he wouldn't tell me. Why doesn't he see that all I want is to know what he knows, to be with him? To work, to fight the good fight with him? No matter how hard it seems... No matter how close the end of it all is.
*So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that
I can do
To make you change your mind*
We could have talked about it, we could have figured something out. We still can, but it's too late for my feelings. It's too late for my faith in him not to be shaken. What's happened? What's changed? Why doesn't he believe I can understand, or handle, the truth?
*Is it a waste of time?
Is it me?
Is it you?
Nothing that
I can do
to make you change your mind*
What the Hell do I have to do? To make him be open with me... He was *never* open with me. These nine years of building trust, shouldn't that have earned me the truth in the end? He would always be secretive, cryptic... Like an X-File. Like the truth he hid from me.
*So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
What is it I have to say?
So why are you running away?
To make you admit you're afraid?*
He is afraid. I am afraid. Everybody should be afraid. It doesn't matter how devastating, how frightening... I deserved to find out from him, from someone I love, not from someone I despise. I look up at him, and he's just driving, eyes on the road. For a moment they shift to me. The song fades out, and I lick my dry lips.
"We may be running away from everyone else, but you don't have to run away from me." I say quietly.
He silently puts his hand on my knee. Finally, he says something. "I'm sorry... For everything."
And he pulls into the parking lot of yet another motel.
*end*
Love it? Hate it? Want more? Drop me an e-mail. If you'd like to read more of my work, you can ask me for it at JILLIBEAN@aol.com, or click on my pen-name (Jillian) for a list of all my archived work. I appreciate reviews even on fics published way back when, I always check!