11: Memory
There was one place in the whole Garden that I was certain neither Zell or Irvine would be in: the library. I took refuge in that place so I could mull over my problems. My instructors weren't too happy that I was skipping class but Nida was kind enough to cover for me. He brought me all my homework into the library and updated me on what was going on in the outside world. He was kind enough to leave out two names in these updates. I was grateful for his kindness; it was just too bad that he was already going with someone. Oonagh also helped me out when she could. With the two of them helping me out, I was guaranteed not to be bothered or in trouble.
I had already decided to go with Irvine. I was sitting by myself in the library so I could test myself. I would spend some time in there by myself without anything to distract me. Then I'd let my mind wander wherever it wanted. If it rested on a certain person, then I would of course have to go with them. This plan only halfway worked. My mind did wander off by itself. But it wandered a little too much. I observed the books, wondering what could possibly be in all those pages. A second later I started playing with my toes. There were always people to watch as they went in and out of the library. It was almost like my mind was purposefully distracting itself from the very reason I came to the library in the first place.
Slowly, my subconscious mind opened a door that had been locked for many years. It was a door that held precious memories, a door I never intended to be locked. This lock was hard to break; it had rusted over from neglect. Perhaps the myth was true that GFs wiped away some of your memory, or maybe the forgetfulness was my own doing. Whatever reason, it took a long time before the lock that had protected my memories was broken. It was almost a relief when the lock broke and the memories were allowed to show themselves again. I wasn't hit by the memories all at once. Instead, they came upon me slowly in reverse chronological order...
_____
It was very cold outside. I was standing just inside the doorway, watching my breath become clouds of fog in front of my very eyes. I giggled and exhaled again. It was fun to watch the fog that used to be my breath. Two little boys were outside playing in the cold. I glanced around to see if bossy ole Quisty was close by. She wasn't around, so I went outside to join the boys. If she saw me outside in the cold, she would've gotten so mad. It was unusual for us to be allowed to be outside when it was so cold. Soon Matron would be out telling us to come in.
"Sellie! Come over here!" I ran over to where Irvy and Zell were playing. Zell tackled me and we rolled around on the ground, laughing hysterically. Irvy wasn't as rough as Zell, which was a good thing. Zell didn't wrestle me for long. I got up and dusted myself off. Zell wasn't as rough with me as he would've been with one of the guys. Irvy was bouncing a ball and invited me to play with him. He and I threw the ball back and forth.
"Come inside, everyone!" Matron's voice interrupted our game. "It's getting too cold." Zell muttered something. Irvy and I were a bit more obedient and raced to see who could get inside first. Zell came up last, doing a somersault and nearly crashing into a table. My cheeks were still cold from being outside. I took a seat by the fire; Irvy sat next to me. Zell got warm by bouncing around, always the one to be on the move. Quisty joined us, wearing a smug grin.
"I was inside the whole time," she gloated. It was like she did something right that no one else could do.
"So what?" Zell snapped. That was exactly what I had been thinking. Squall was all by himself. I don't know why he liked sitting alone like that. It wasn't like he was going to catch cooties. Zell and Irvy weren't afraid of catching cooties; I had cured them of that fear personally.
"All right. Let's make sure everyone's here," Matron said. "Zell?" Zell stopped bouncing long enough to speak.
"Yo!"
"Irvine?" Irvy smiled and waved his hand.
"Here!"
"Selphie?"
"Here!" I sang, smiling brightly.
"Quistis?" Quisty sat up straight and tried to look proper.
"Present." She was always showing off like that.
"Squall?" Squall barely moved his head.
"Yeah."
"Seifer?" There was a pause. "Seifer?" Matron repeated, beginning to grow worried. There was still no response. "Oh, my. Where is Seifer? Was he outside playing?"
"Nope," Irvy, Zell, and I answered in unison.
"I hope he's not outside. Poor thing." My hand shot up.
"I'll go look for him!"
"I'll go too!" Irvy volunteered. Matron smiled at us.
"All right, but mind that you don't catch a cold."
"We won't!" We clasped hands and raced outside. Irvy and I decided to check the beach. I could see the lighthouse in the distance and for a moment I thought Seifer might be in there. Irvy tapped my shoulder. He pointed up to a cliff overlooking the ocean. Sitting on that cliff was Seifer. Irvy and I climbed up the rocky slope. Seifer continued to stare out into the ocean.
"Seifer, it's time to come in," I said.
"I don't want to," he grunted.
"But it's getting cold!" Irvy protested, breathing out a wisp of smoke to demonstrate. I saw Seifer's breath turn into fog in front of his face.
"I don't care."
"Matron will get mad!" I warned.
"So go in and leave me alone." He rubbed his arms; so he could feel the cold. Irvy and I exchanged looks. I sat down by Seifer and Irvy sat beside me. Seifer stared at us. "What're you two doing?"
"I don't want you to be all by yourself. This is the last time we'll be together as a family. Won't you please come inside with us?" I begged. Seifer didn't answer.
"Matron is worried. You don't want her to get upset, do you?" Irvy asked.
"I don't want to go," Seifer mumbled.
"You'll freeze!" I whined.
'No, I mean, I don't want to go away. I don't want to go away from here."
"We gotta. We're going to be adopted!" I squeezed his cold hand in mine. "Don't you want to go with your adopted family?"
"No." Seifer shook his head. "I want to stay here with Matron."
"Me too," Irvy agreed, "but we can't stay here all the time. Matron says we have to have families of our own and grow up like normal kids."
"Yeah…," Seifer sighed. "Normal kids." He tried to find more to say, but nothing else came out.
"Come inside with us, Seifer!" I insisted. "Please, oh, please, oh, please?" I gave him a cute pout. He groaned and rolled his eyes.
"Sellie, you know I can't say no to you." Only three people called me by my nickname: Irvy, Zell, and Seifer. He stood up and we went inside together. Irvy and I tried to figure out which one of us was colder. Irvy insisted I was colder but he still seemed colder to me. Seifer said he was colder than both of us and we had to agree with that. The three of us sat down by the fire. Zell would've usually picked a fight with Seifer, but it was our last day together, so he was being civil.
"I'm glad to see you're all right, Seifer," Matron smiled. Seifer didn't say anything. I rested my head on Irvy's shoulder.
"Where are you going, Irvy? Where's your new home?" His brow wrinkled up as he tried to remember.
"I think it's Galbadia, or something like that."
"I'm going to a place called Trabia," I announced. I poked Zell in the arm. "Where are you going, Zell?"
"Balamb," he answered.
"So am I," Quisty realized. Squall scooted closer to the fire, silently entering into the conversation.
"That's where I'm going, too."
"Me too," Seifer grunted.
"Not fair!" I pouted. "Irvy and I have to go off somewhere by ourselves and they are all together! How come we aren't going to Balamb too?" I glanced up at Matron expectantly. She smiled sadly.
"I'm sorry, Selphie. There's nothing I can do."
"Well, that's no fun." I crossed my arms in a huff. "We may never see each other again!"
"We should make a promise never to forget each other," Irvy suggested. I hugged him around the middle.
"That's a great idea! We'll promise never, ever to forget each other, or Matron, for as long as we live! What do you guys think?" I turned to the others for their input. Zell grinned and gave the thumb's up. Quisty nodded her head.
"Not that I could forget you," Seifer noted. We all glanced at Squall.
"Whatever," he shrugged.
_____
I broke that promise; we all did. We could blame it on the GFs, we could blame it on distractions of life, or any number of things. The truth was that we just plain forgot, simple as that. Our memories came back to us so it was like we had never forgotten in the first place. We were all together again, Seifer included. Finally the family was reunited. Rinoa was a new addition to our little group but we welcomed her as one of us. That particular memory had been bittersweet, but it was nice to relive it anyway.
_____
I decided that I didn't like boats very much. It was making my stomach feel funny. I tried not to look at the water; it made me want to throw up. There was a lady standing beside me. The lady was a friend of my parents. She often took care of me when my parents were busy. Her hand was on my back. She was nice to me and let me have as many handkerchiefs to cry on as I wanted. I had been crying ever since we left my home. I didn't want to leave home but the lady said it would be too dangerous for me there. I could really get hurt, so I had to go away. She said she was taking me somewhere so I could be safe. But I was still crying.
The boat ride was long and I didn't eat very much because I threw it back up. I wanted to get off the boat. I kept crying, this time because I didn't want to be on the boat anymore. I was begging the lady to let me off the boat. She told me she would once we reached the lighthouse. So I waited and waited, sometimes asking her if we were near the lighthouse yet. We got closer and closer to land and I could see a lighthouse ahead. I knew it was a lighthouse 'cause I had seen them in pictures. I cheered and jumped up and down on the deck. My stomach didn't bother me so much. We docked the boat; I ran off the boat and rolled around on the grass laughing. I was happy to be on land again.
The lady led me to a house that was near the lighthouse. The front of the house looked like a garden. It was very pretty. There was a lady dressed all in black standing at the doorway of the house. She even had black hair. The lady that had been guiding me took me to this black lady. I was a little scared of the black lady but she had a pretty smile, so I wasn't afraid of her for very long. She reached her hand down and stroked my cheek. I felt safe with her and was even less afraid.
"Dear child," the black lady cooed in a gentle voice. The lady that brought me put down my bags.
"Her name is Selphina Tilmitt, and…" She whispered something in the black lady's ear. The black lady smiled down at me.
"Welcome, Selphina. My name is Edea Kramer, but you may call me Matron." I stuck part of my thumb in my mouth.
"Okay… Matron." I smiled nervously. I wasn't used to calling adults things like that. Matron continued to smile at me. The lady ruffled up my hair and turned to leave. "Hey! Where're you going?"
"I have to go home, Selphina," she answered. "Don't worry, though. You'll be safe here." She waved to me and got on the boat. I felt abandoned as the ship started sailing further and further away from the beach. Matron bent down and picked up my bags.
"I hope you'll be happy here, Selphina. Come and I'll introduce you to the others." I obediently followed her into the house. I liked the place at once. There was a boy with spiky blonde hair attempting to stand on his head. I saw a little girl like me reading with a pretty lady wearing blue. There were three other boys all by themselves. Two of them looked like they wanted it that way while the third observed everyone with shy curiosity. The lady wearing blue glanced up.
"Children, we have a guest," she said softly. I liked her instantly. The boy with spiky blonde hair fell over on his back. The other children stood up and stared at me. I put part of my thumb in my mouth and bit down with my two front teeth.
"This is Selphina Tilmitt," Matron announced. "She'll be staying with us for a while." I didn't like being called by my full name. Only my parents did that, and they weren't here.
"Excuse me, Matron, but could you please call me Selphie?" Matron smiled.
"Very well, Selphie." The other kids continued to stare at me. The boy that had fallen on the floor hopped up and went over to me. He stuck his hand out in front of me.
"Hi! I'm Zell!" I had seen people shake hands before and knew what to do. "Let me introduce you to the others." He took me by the arm and dragged me over to the other kids. He first presented me to the girl. She had blonde hair that was pulled up in a ponytail. "This is Quistis. We call her Quisty for short."
"Nice to meet you," she nodded.
"Hi," I said meekly.
"And that's Sis. She's really nice," Zell added.
"I'm so glad to have you join us," she smiled. Sis is a strange name, I thought. I wonder why she's called that? Zell didn't let us talk for long; he took me to a boy with blonde hair.
"That's Seifer. He's a meanie." I smiled and waved at him. He blinked in surprise and returned the gesture uneasily.
"He might not be so bad." Seifer looked a little surprised that I was being friendly with him. I felt silly with my thumb in my mouth so I took it out. Zell next presented me to a boy with brown hair. He didn't look like he wanted company.
"That's Squall. He's only a little bit nicer than Seifer." I smiled at Squall but he just stared at me. At least Seifer had an expression on his face. The last kid I met had brown hair but he smiled when I came up to him. He stood up and nodded his head in greeting.
"I'm Irvine. I'm new here, too. I only got here yesterday."
"So I'm not the only one!" I smiled. That was a relief. "Can I sit with you?" His whole face lit up.
"Sure!" I sat down; this didn't seem to bother Zell. He went back to trying to stand on his head. "Selphie is a nice name for you. Would it be okay, though, if I call you Sellie?" I thought about it for a while.
"Okay, but only if I can call you Irvy."
"Sure." I had made my very first friend in my new home.
_____
Irvine and I were close from the first day we met. Thinking of Irvine made me feel warm inside. Was this the sign I had been waiting for? Soon Irvine filled my whole mind, forcing my memories out of the way. I could almost feel his touch. I ached for him so badly. Why was I sitting here, waiting around for something to happen? I had to go see Irvine. Enough waiting around; I knew what I wanted to do now. But even as I made that decision, one last memory snaked its way forward.
_____
Mommy and Daddy are so fun to play with. They know just where to tickle me to make me start laughing. I held onto Mommy's hand so I wouldn't get lost. It was a pretty spring afternoon and the sun was out. Daddy hoisted me up in the air and gave me a great big hug. I laughed until I was afraid I would pee in my skirt. He put me back on the ground. Mommy smiled and held my hand again. I felt very safe with them. We came to a big field full of flowers. I stared out, my eyes wide.
"Pretty!" I awed. I slipped from Mommy's grasp and ran into the flowers.
"Selphina! Come back!" Daddy shouted. I laughed and kept on running. I would play hide-and-seek with them in the flowers. There were flowers further away that were so tall they would hide me. I ran towards them, ignoring my parents' shouts to stop. This was a game we played all the time. They weren't angry with me, just a little upset that I was getting so far away from them.
"Selphina! Selphina!" Mommy shouted. Her voice was growing softer. I was faster than I thought. I went into the tall flowers and sat on the ground. My sides hurt from running so much. I breathed in the flowery scent that was all around me. At last I could breathe normally. Birds made little noises over my head. I kept quiet and listened for my parents' footsteps. There were lots of pretty things to look at while I waited. Butterflies fluttered around and some landed very close to me.
I waited and waited for a long time. My dress was getting all dirty from sitting in the grass so long. Mommy would be upset with me, but she would be more upset if I took it off. A little rabbit hopped by. It was so close I was able to pet it a little before it hopped away. Ants crawled on me, but I wasn't scared of insects. I brushed them off and they just kept right on crawling on me. The sun was sinking lower into the sky and still my parents didn't come get me. I wondered why they weren't coming yet. I didn't like being all alone, even if I got to see lots of pretty things.
The sky grew darker and darker and I really started to get worried. I was afraid of the dark. I was too scared to move. The flowers had been so pretty during the day, but as it got darker they turned into scary things looming over me. Monsters liked dark time the best. What if one came and ate me up? I wanted to cry but I was afraid the noise would attract monsters. I sat shivering and prayed to Hyne that someone would find me. I wanted someone to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. Being alone was scary; I didn't ever want to feel like this again.
I heard footsteps coming near me. I thought it was monsters coming to get me. Mommy taught me that monsters were afraid of music, so I tried to think of a song to sing. I was too scared to think of any good songs. Then all of a sudden I started singing in a shaky voice:
"I like banana pudding
And delicious cherry pie.
Give me lots of yummy sweets,
Choc'late cookies would be divine."
"Selphina? Selphina Tilmitt?" I knew that voice, and it wasn't a monster. A tall man with a kind face smiled down at me. It was the man that ran the items shop in our town, Mr. Dibber. "Thank Hyne you're all right, child!" He picked me up and put me in his wheelbarrow.
"I'm glad you're not a monster, Mr. Dibbler," I said.
"Do you know how worried we've all been?" he asked. "We thought for sure we lost you. It's a good thing I got here when I did." Mr. Dibbler's golden retriever was trotting at his master's side. He scurried over to me and licked my face.
"Hello, Maxx." The dog looked happy to see me. I looked up at Mr. Dibbler. "Where're my mommy and daddy? I waited and waited for them to come get me but they never came." Mr. Dibbler didn't say anything. "I hope they're not too mad at me. I wanted to play hide-and-seek and those big flowers hid me." Maxx nudged my arm with his nose. I obediently gave him a pat on his head.
"Your parents are gone, Selphina," said Mr. Dibbler quietly. I tilted my head to one side.
"Where are they?"
"In Hyne's heaven." I made a funny noise in my throat. Mommy explained to me that Hyne sometimes brought people to his heaven if they were in pain or he felt like they spent enough time on earth. Why did Hyne bring Mommy and Daddy to his heaven? I need them here with me! I was a little mad at Hyne but I had to be grateful too because he answered my prayer.
"What will I do?"
"We'll find someone who can take care of you. I promise." I learned a very valuable lesson that day: being alone is bad. I lost two important people that day. There were lots of other people that were lost that day, but no other children lost their mommies and daddies. I missed them already; I was starting to feel lonely. I didn't ever want to be alone again. Never, ever.
_____
Now I understood. I understood why loneliness had scared me so badly. As a child I had been by myself for hours waiting for my parents to find me. When I was finally found, I discovered I was an orphan. I never found out what had caused my parents' deaths; I wouldn't have understood anyway. It all made sense. That childhood fear resurfaced and I desperately tried to find some way to get rid of it. Without even thinking I went to Irvine. He was my answer; he could protect me.
"Irvine," I whispered longingly. I had to get out of the stuffy library. I had to see Irvine. I had to tell him how much I cared for him. Most of all, I had to know if he felt the same way for me. Zell would be hurt, but I couldn't deny what my heart told me. I thanked Hyne for giving me answers to my prayers.