"Go Rolf, go!"  Kevin cheered as Rolf completed his 98th bench press of a rather bewildered pig.  The other kids of the cul-de-sac kids looked on appreciatively.

"Rolf sure is strong, huh Plank?"  Jonny lifted Plank over his head in imitation of Rolf's feat.  "Unnngh…"  His arms shook and he quickly dropped him back down.  "Boy, Plank, you've been putting on weight!  No more banana lacqueris for you, mister!"

Rolf strained against the weight of his pig for a 99th press.  "Do not throw in the dressing gown now, Wilfred!  Once more and Rolf will have broken the all-time record for freestyle pork presses!"  He gathered his strength for a final go.

"Look, Jimmy, he's doing it!"  Sarah clenched her hands together.

"I think he's gonna make it!"  Jimmy gave a little hop of excitement.  "Ooh, my tummy is all a-flutter, Sarah!"

"The oyster-studded Boot of Accomplishment is nearly Rolf's!"  Rolf slowly began to hoist Wilfred one last time.  Just as he was about to complete the lift, a horn blew, sounding like a flock of fifty-pound geese caught in a trash compactor.  Wilfred's ears perked up and he squealed in panic.  "Wilfred, no!"  As the pig struggled violently to get away, Rolf lost his grip and dropped him onto his head.  Wilfred scrabbled frantically at Rolf's face before finally getting his feet under him and running off towards home.

Rolf lay on the ground, dazed and disappointed.  "Yet again Rolf eats from the bitter crabapples of failure!"  He sat up and hung his head.  "You may all point and laugh at Rolf now, as his pride is lower than the warts on Papa's toes!"

"Cheer up, Rolf, you did – AAIEE!"  Nazz leapt straight into the air as the horn sounded a second time.

A black plywood vehicle lumbered into their midst.  Through a back window that appeared to be made of plastic wrap darkened with a magic marker, Eddy could be seen, wearing a white suit and top hat.

"Gee, what a surprise, the dorks were the ones making all that racket."  Kevin cracked his knuckles.  "This ought to be fun…"

From within the limo, Edd activated a makeshift walkie-talkie.  "Ed, you can stop now, we're here.  Over."

"Whoa, Sparky!  Whoa!!"  Strapped down under the car's hood, Ed stopped pedaling and pulled back on the brake.  The limo slowly rolled to a halt.

Edd turned around in his seat and pushed down the panel that separated him from the passenger compartment.  "Eddy, we're here."

"So what's the big holdup?"  Eddy gestured impatiently towards his door.  "Get off your can and come let me out!"

Muttering to himself, Edd got out of the car.  Before he could make it back to Eddy's door, however, the kids of the cul-de-sac surrounded him.  Rolf stormed up.

"Oh, why, hello, Rolf…"  Shrinking back, Edd glanced towards the driver's door, but Sarah blocked the way.  "A-and how are you on this fine summer afternoon?"

Much to Edd's relief, Rolf relaxed visibly and actually smiled.  "Hello, Double-D Ed-boy.  Rolf is quite well, thank you."  As Edd was about to reply, Rolf's angry demeanor returned and he leaned in to tower over him.  "Well for a barnacle-ridden, sad-sacked squid, that is!"  Grabbing the black chauffeur's hat that Edd was wearing over his regular one, Rolf smashed it down until it broke over Edd's head and hung around his neck.  "You Black-Sheep Ed-boys have once again cursed Rolf with the Gloating Goose of Shamefulness!"

Edd was trying to stammer out an apology when Sarah and Kevin came up on either side.  "This dork is toast," Kevin growled, and all three leapt on him before he could escape.

At that moment, Eddy crossly pushed open his door.  "You'd think I was a mile back, slacker, what's taking so – "  He surveyed the scene.  Edd was looking at him pleadingly from where Kevin had him in a headlock, Rolf was twisting his legs, and Sarah was administering Indian burns to his arms.  "Hey!  Stop roughing up my driver!"

"Okay."  Kevin dropped Edd and grinned.  "You want a turn?"  As one, he, Sarah, and Rolf advanced on Eddy.

Eddy stood his ground.  "Wait just one minute!  You wouldn't hit a millionaire, would you?"

"A millionaire?"  Kevin snorted.  "Yeah, right, dork.  You're not getting out of this that easily."

"I ain't surprised you don't believe me, Kev – you've probably never seen a real-live rich person before."  Eddy smirked.  "But feast your eyes on these snazzy duds!  And check out the jewelry!"  He waved his fingers, each of which was encircled by a ring made of wire and metallic wrapping paper.  "You think I got these in a bubble gum machine?"

"Wow, Sarah, he's so flashy!"  Jimmy eyed the rings appreciatively.

"Gee, maybe he really did strike it rich…"

"Of course I did, Sarah!  I mean, just look!"  He gestured towards Edd, who was on the ground trying to bend his limbs back into their original positions, and Ed, who had popped out of the car hood and now stood nibbling at the end of his tie.  "These guys are on my payroll now!  Millionaires gotta have their own chauffeurs and personal bodyguards, you know!"

Kevin crossed his arms.  "And just HOW did you supposedly earn your millions?"

"I'm glad you asked, Kevin!"  Eddy pulled out the sweepstakes envelope, upon which he'd scratched out Edd's name and printed his own.  "It just so happens that I was chosen as the lucky winner of the Editor's Cleaning House Sweepstakes!"  He flashed it in front of the crowd, and then stuffed it back up his sleeve before anyone could look too closely.

"What's that, Plank?"  Jonny held Plank up to his ear.  "Plank says you lie like a cheap rug, Eddy!  He says nobody EVER wins those things!"

"Well, I did, Plank," Eddy grated.  "But fine – you guys don't wanna believe me – that's no skin off my nose."  He shrugged.  "I guess you won't be wanting the presents I got you, then."

"Presents?"  Jimmy and Sarah scooted up to stand eagerly in front of Eddy.

"Presents?"  Edd came over, eyeing Eddy dubiously.  "Where did you get these so-called presents from, Eddy?  We never – "

"Shouldn't you be washing my limo or something?  You're still on the clock!"  Eddy hurled Edd into the limo's 'engine' compartment, then slammed down the hood.  Facing his audience again, he shook his head.  "I'll tell ya, it's so hard to find good help these days.  But yeah – I thought I'd share the wealth a little, 'cos I'm just that kind of guy!"  He smiled magnanimously.  "Hey, Security – come on over with those presents, will ya?"

Ed trotted over with a large briefcase.  He opened it with a flourish.  "Show them what they've won, Lumpy!"

The atmosphere around Eddy changed from one of suspicious hostility to suspicious excitement as the kids gathered around the briefcase.  Glittering within were a multitude of gaudily bejeweled gold and silver objects.

"Cool, Eddy!"  Nazz admired a silvery item.  "But what is it?  It looks kind of like a fancy magnifying glass…"

Eddy cast a worried glance over his shoulder.  "Uh, no, Nazz – it's a state-of-the-art travel microwave!  Watch!"  Reaching into Ed's pocket, he pulled out a half-eaten muffin.  Holding the 'travel microwave' up to the sun, he aimed the concentrated beam of light at the muffin.  Within seconds it had burst into flames.  "Uh, you gotta be careful with it, it's super high-powered!"

"Hey Eddy, what's this?"  Jonny scratched his head as he examined a gold bunny slipper.

"What, don't you recognize a top-of-the-line board cozy when you see one, Jonny?"

Jonny and Plank exchanged looks.  "A board cozy?"

"Sure!  Guaranteed to keep Plank nice and warm on the coldest of nights!"  He grabbed the slipper and slid it over Plank's 'head'.  "It even comes with a backup in case the first one gets worn out!  I got it special, just for him!"

"Gee, thanks Eddy, you're the greatest!"

"Don't I know it, Jonny-boy!"

"Sarah, look!"  Jimmy gazed in awe at a glittering cactus.  "I've never seen one of these before!"

"Hmm…"  Sarah eyed the cactus critically.  "Why's this thing covered in broken glass, Eddy?"

"I did that one myself!"  Ed jumped in front of Eddy before he could answer.  "It's not broken glass, Sarah, it is diamonds!"  He proudly picked up the cactus and made it bow towards Sarah and Jimmy.  "Say hello to Diamond Jim!"

"'Diamond Jim'?"  Edd had finally managed to pry open the hood and was making his way back towards the crowd.  "Eddy, what's going – WHAT DID YOU DO TO JIM?!?"  He looked around frantically.  "And – my slippers!  And – my magnifying glass!  And – my EVERYTHING!!!"  In a frenzy, he swept all of his possessions back into the briefcase and slammed the lid shut.  As he prepared to give Eddy a piece of his mind, Kevin interrupted.

"Just what do you think you're doing with our presents, Double-Dork?"

Edd hugged the briefcase to his chest.  "They're not yours, Kevin, they're – "

Eddy clapped a hand over Edd's mouth and grinned nervously.  "Heh-heh…what he means is, they're not yours – yet.  I just…uh…just wanted to show them to you, so you'd believe me…you'll get them…"  The wheels in his head were turning furiously.  Suddenly his confident smile returned.  "You'll get them at the party I'm throwing tonight!  In celebration of my new millionaire status!"

"A party?  Cool!  I've got a new dress that I've just been dying to wear."  Nazz primped her hair.

"Oh boy, Sarah, parties are so much fun!"

"They sure are, Jimmy!  Come on, let's go get ready!"  Sarah and Jimmy started to head off towards Sarah's house.

"Not so fast, I'm not done yet!"  Eddy blocked their way.  "Uh, what I meant was – my butler and maid will be setting up the party," he rushed on before Edd could say anything, "but with such short notice they won't possibly be able to get everything ready themselves.  So if you all could be in charge of bringing the…" he concentrated on not drooling as he spoke, "jawbreakers…"

"Oho, so the cow does not change its udders after all!"  Rolf tapped Eddy on top of his head.  "All that is sought after is the typical candy-coated spoils of trickery!  Rolf will bring you NO jawbreakers, Snake-in-the-Boots Ed-boy!"

"Okay, Rolf, if you don't wanna come to the party, I understand"  He turned away, then spoke over his shoulder, "That's too bad, though, I had a really neat livestock polisher for you…But if it's asking too much that you help out with things just a little bit…"

"A livestock polisher?"

"Yup.  Electric, too – so powerful, you could've seen your face in Victor's butt..."

Rolf looked back and forth from the briefcase to Eddy.  His eyes watered.  "All right!!" he finally shouted.  "Rolf will bring you the tooth-rotting decadence you require!  Do not start the party without him!"  He ran off in the direction of the candy store.

"Better hurry, guys, you don't want Rolf buying the last one, do you?"  Eddy smirked as the rest of the kids chased off after Rolf, and then he turned to face Ed and Edd.  "I'll tell you, boys, it isn't easy being this clever.  Sometimes I amaze even mysel – "  Noting the scowl on Edd's face, he raised an eyebrow.  "What's your problem, Sock-head?  Mad you didn't think of this first?"

"What's my problem?"  Edd repeated incredulously.  "First I get railroaded into playing the part of your chauffeur, then you nearly get me dismembered by Rolf, Kevin, and Sarah, and to top it off, I discover you giving away my own private possessions after first callously appropriating and modifying them without my permission!"  He waved his hands in the air.  "And as if that weren't enough, now you no doubt want me to assist with – nay, shoulder the entire burden of – the preparations for some preposterous sham of a party so you can trade MY personal property for a few five-cent jawbreakers – and you have the astounding GALL to ask me what my 'problem' is??"

Throughout Edd's outburst, Ed had stood to the side looking back and forth between his friends.  Now he ran over to Edd, arms wide.  "Aww, somebody needs a hug!"  Before Edd could protest, he swept him up in a crushing bear hug.  "There, there, it will be all right!"

Eddy snickered as Edd struggled frantically to loosen Ed's grip enough to take a breath.  "That's real nice, Ed.  But if you're done with your little love-in, can we get going?  We've got a lot of work ahead of us – and you two boys need to decide who wants to be the maid, and who wants to be the butler!"

Ed dropped Edd to the ground and danced around Eddy.  "Ooh, can I be the butler?  Can I?  Please, Eddy, oh please!"  He hugged himself with excitement.  "I have always wanted an English accent, just like the singing robot nanny in 'Mary Poppins 2021'!"

"Sure, Ed, just don't slobber on the furniture."  Eddy slapped Edd on the back.  "Looks like you get to be the maid, Double-D!" 

Edd stared, speechless.  He looked from Ed, who was cheerfully waving his hand in imitation of Queen Elizabeth, to Eddy, who smiled back confidently and expectantly.  On the verge of total meltdown, Edd suddenly slouched forward in defeat.  "There's really no point in arguing this, is there?"

"None at all."  Eddy grinned.

Edd closed his eyes.  "Very well, let's get this over with."

"Now you're talking!"  Eddy climbed back into his limo and snapped his fingers.  "Home, James!"