"Hair gel." Eddy waited.
Ed applied a dollop of gel to Eddy's head and smeared it around. "'air gel, governor!" He laughed. "Good English accent, huh Eddy!"
"You're as English as processed cheese, Ed."
"Why, thank you!" Ed beamed with delight.
"Whatever, Ed." Eddy rolled his eyes. "Comb." He watched in the mirror as Ed pulled a comb out of the bag and neatly brushed back his own hair.
"Comb!" Ed patted down a stray hair.
"Ed, you're supposed to comb my hair, not yours!"
"Oops – I mean, roit!" Ed licked the comb for luck and then ran it through Eddy's hair. "Comb!"
Wiping the slobber off his head, Eddy called out for the finishing touch. "Jacket!"
Ed shook the navy blue sports jacket out like a matador's cape. "Ole!" He slipped it on over Eddy's waiting arms. "Jacket!"
Eddy admired himself in the mirror as he made last-minute adjustments. "Who's that good lookin' guy?" He winked at himself. "You, my friend, are the man!" His primping complete, he headed towards the stairs. "Come on, Ed, let's go see how Double-D's doing."
"Call me Jeeves, Eddy! Butler friend to one and all!"
"Shut up, Ed." Eddy sauntered downstairs. He stopped just short of the bottom landing. "Wow."
"W-w-o-o-ow w-w-what, E-d-d-d-d-y?" Sliding down the stairs on his butt, Ed collided with Eddy at the foot of the stairs. He looked around. "Marmite!"
The place before them was barely recognizable as Eddy's living room. Tables had been strategically rearranged and covered to look like elegant serving stations, the couch was wrapped in plush burgundy velvet, and the aquarium had somehow been made over into a softly burbling fountain. Harp music played in the background, though no harp was to be seen. Even the air seemed richer, scented with an exotic aroma that almost, but not quite, masked the lemony vapor of cleaning solutions.
Edd was humming to himself as he dusted a mocked-up Tiffany lamp. "So what do you think, fellas?" Despite an afternoon of intensive work, his mood seemed much improved. "Quite an impressive transformation, if I do say so myself!" He turned to wield his feather duster against an unsuspecting vase.
Eddy knocked Ed off his back and stood up. "Impressive, yes!" He watched a pair of white origami doves flit around a chandelier made from his mom's good wine glasses. "I've gotta admit, nobody can spruce up a room like you, Double-D!"
"I'd hardly call this miraculous renovation a simple 'sprucing up,' Eddy! Why, I went through seven garbage bags simply clearing out the debris from between your couch cushions alone! And don't get me started on the waxy buildup beneath that coffee table!"
"Ah, you were cleaning, too." Eddy snickered. "That explains the sudden attitude adjustment…"
Edd stiffened and opened his mouth, but quickly shut it again. He smiled wanly. "I've been wanting to do something about those dust mite-ridden curtains of yours for ages, Eddy."
"Well, I'm real glad you're happy, Double-D." Eddy patronizingly patted him on the back. "And how about those presents, huh? Did you find substitutes for your stuff like you promised?"
"Affirmative, Eddy!" Edd produced the briefcase and patted it. "And I'm sure your guests will find them to be well worth the price of a few jawbreakers."
"Jawwwbreakers…" Eddy's eyes glazed over. Edd reached out with his feather duster to wipe away a thin stream of drool before it dripped onto Eddy's clothes. "You're singin' my song, Double-D! So let's see those one-of-a-kind presents!" He made a grab for the briefcase, but Edd pulled it back out of reach.
"Oh, you were wanting to see them?" He held the briefcase behind his back. "I-I'm sorry, Eddy, I wish you'd told me sooner. I've already wrapped them and would hate to let all that work go to waste so soon before your guests arrive…"
Eddy ground his teeth. "Fine, whatever, they'll just have to do." He poked Edd in the chest. "But they'd better be good, Sock-head! If everyone ends up mad at us because you gave them geometry books or spiders under glass, I'll feed ya to Ed!"
"My mom says not to bite my friends anymore, Eddy!"
Edd held up a placating hand. "I assure you, Eddy, our guests will not be disappointed!"
"Yeah, well, they'd better not be…" At that moment, the doorbell rang. "Okay, this is it! Make me proud, boys!"
"Chim-chiminee!" Ed raced to answer the door. Pulling up at the last moment, he assumed what he thought was a dignified posture, licked the hair gel off his fingers, then slid open the door. "Welcome to Castle Eddy!"
"You mean the Dork Palace?"
"Kevin! You promised you'd be nice!" Nazz put her hands on her hips.
"Sorry, Nazz, I just couldn't…" Kevin caught sight of his surroundings. "Whoa."
Nazz stared into the room. "Wow, Eddy! I like what you've done with the place!"
"An-an-and I really dress that like you're nazzing, Wear!" Eddy shook and stammered. "I-I-I…"
Edd stepped in front of him. "Uh, w-what Eddy means is, that dress makes you look even more exquisite than ever, Nazz!" Edd managed a shaky smile and tried hard to make eye contact.
Nazz giggled. "Gee, thanks, dude." She raised an eyebrow. "Your dress is – uh – nice, too…"
Edd froze in horror. A swift glance down confirmed his worst fears. Eddy had insisted he put on the frilly black dress to really look the part of the maid, and Edd had donned it over his regular clothes knowing he'd have no peace until he did. He'd meant to take it off before anyone actually saw him in it but had forgotten in all the last-minute business about the presents.
"Eep…" His brain and mouth no longer seemed to be working in conjunction with one another. "Opp…" he started again to no avail. "Ork…" He tried to duck back behind the sofa but his body refused to obey. Finally, overcome with embarrassment, his eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed on the floor.
Kevin snorted with laughter. "Man, that alone was almost worth the jawbreaker!"
"'Jawbreaker'?" Eddy snapped out of his Nazz-induced stupor. "Jawbreaker!" He rubbed his hands together greedily. "Hand 'em over to Ed – er, Jeeves," rolling his eyes, he corrected himself before Ed could speak up, "and come on in!"
"Here you go, uh, 'Jeeves'!" Still giggling, Nazz passed a jawbreaker to Ed, carefully stepped over Edd, and made her way towards the couch. Kevin followed, just as carefully making sure to stomp on Edd.
"Cheers my dears!" Sneaking a look over at Eddy, Ed shoved both jawbreakers in his mouth and slurped happily. As Eddy turned back towards him he quickly stuck his tongue out and let them roll down it to their designated table.
The doorbell rang again. Ed rushed back to take his place in front of the door. "Shall I let them in, Sir Eddy?"
"What?" Interrupted as he was fractionally scooting closer to Nazz on the couch, Eddy scowled. "Forget it, Ed, we don't need – "
Kevin leapt onto the couch next to Nazz and knocked Eddy off with a kick. The doorbell rang a second and a third time. "Get the door, dorks, your guests are waiting!"
"Rightee-o, Kevin!" Ed opened the door and let in Rolf, Sarah, and Jimmy.
"Great Nano on a bicycle! Rolf has never before seen such richness of decoration! He feels woefully underdressed in his Weeding Day finery!"
Sarah stared around, begrudgingly impressed. "Gee, Eddy, I never knew your place was this fancy!"
"It's like a life-sized Suzy Shopper Dreamhouse, Sarah!" Jimmy hopped in place. "My fantasies come true!"
"A-hem." Eddy cast a significant look towards the jawbreaker table and tapped his foot.
"Yes, yes, we have all brought the senselessly sweet price of admission, Rhubarb-to-Riches Ed-boy!" Rolf, Sarah, and Jimmy all dropped off a jawbreaker before stepping further into the room.
"Wow, Plank!" Jonny stood at the doorstep, which Ed had forgotten to close. "See, I told you the tuxes were a good idea!" He and Plank were dressed in identical pink tuxedos, though Plank lacked a pair of the weather-beaten sandals Jonny still had on. Absently flipping two jawbreakers towards the pile, he joined the others in gawking around the room. "Nice pad, Eddy!"
"Yeah, it's pretty sweet, living the life of luxury and all." Eddy leaned back in an elegant chair somehow fashioned out of hockey sticks and duct tape. "Maybe if you work real hard, you too can one day know the joys of, uh, richitude!"
"'Richitude,' Eddy?" Snapped back into consciousness by Eddy's atrocious vocabulary, Edd wrapped the front door throw rug around his shoulders and stood up.
"What? It's a word!" Eddy flicked an irritated glance at his friend before turning to address his audience once more. He had to talk loudly to be heard over Edd's rant about declining standards of verbal communication. "Anyway – I thought (" – and the way you butcher the English language – ") maybe you'd all like to hear me say a few words (" – you could've said 'wealth,' or 'affluence,' or 'prosperity,' but no – ") about my views on the best ways of making money (" – why, I've heard better sentence structure from – "), seeing as how I am a millionaire and – "
Edd and Eddy were both interrupted when Ed burst in from the kitchen with a heavily laden silver platter. "Tea time!!" He placed the tray down and lifted the lid with a flourish. A horrified silence descended.
Edd put a hand to his mouth. "It's a nightmare of culinary proportions…"
Jimmy looked dizzy. "It's enough to make Julia Child weep…"
Lurking beneath the platter's lid were offerings made from the best of English food and Ed's cooking combined. Ed lifted up a sandwich that appeared to be made of buttered toast and french fries between two slices of bread. "Mmm, a chip and buttered toast butty! And gravied eel pie!" He scooped up a raisin-pocked, ketchup-drenched blob. "Who wants some spotted Ed?"
"I think I'm going to be sick…" Edd held his stomach and turned a pale shade of green. Eddy's guests seemed to concur. Several had started towards the door when Kevin spoke up.
"Hold on, aren't you dorks forgetting something?" He held out his hand impatiently. "Gimme my present and I'm gone."
Sarah and Jimmy perked up at the mention of presents. They hopped up and down, squealing "Presents, presents, presents!"
"Okay, fine, you don't wanna hear me talk? Your loss!" Eddy waved a hand towards Edd. "Hey, maid, go fetch the loot, will ya?" He muttered under his breath, "And it had better be good!"
Edd actually grinned. "I've got it right here, Eddy!" He found a table on the opposite end of the room and opened the briefcase. The kids crowded around, and for a moment, nobody spoke.
Then the room erupted in hysterical laughter.