Another Way To Fall
By Jillian Storm
(Disclaimer: Okay, after a frustrating string of events, I've decided to here after spell "Sesame" the more conventional way, "Sasame." While the version of Pretear I've seen utilizes both spellings, "Sasame" seems to have the fansubbers blessing. Lyrics from the Moody Blues "After You Came." Characters are gathered from the far reaches of anime. Don't sweat it, I've picked some interesting ones. Newest characters from Himiko Den and Pretear (again), but don't worry if you haven't seen the series. I'm just borrowing them for my Alternate Universe. By the by, is anyone else sweating bullets? Suddenly, it's a very hot summer. Anyway, this chapter is a bit more Keisuke-centered.)
***
Since it began I've got one dream and really it's my only blessing If I can come through then so can you And you will find there's no regretting
Well, what can I say?
It wasn't exactly the reunion I was envisioning. To recap, I'd been knocked off my feet by Hayate's sudden interest in joining the gang at Four Doors. It was the first and most important step as far as reuniting my roommate with this girl that he knew. The girl he pined after. The girl Hayate loves.
The girl that is desperately trying to make everyone comfortable.
I'm sitting next to Sorata who somehow manages to be blissfully unaware of the tension around him. We've made a large crowd this evening. Sorata just on my right, he's pleasantly sober still his cheeks burn with a more reddish hue than usual next to me. Even as I'm admiring his upturned nose, I see past him to Himeno who has both of her hands wrapped around her untouched coke. And beyond her . . .
We're a large crowd tonight. One person too many by my count.
And one person to many by his as well, if I'm interpreting Sasame's demeanor accurately enough.
We're a large table tonight, but before much conversation can get started, an unfamiliar girl is surveying our bunch with her pen balance between her teeth. She must be new.
"Where's Kazuma?" Duo asks startled. "It's Friday night, isn't it? That's his night." Sorata's nodding his head.
"Kazuma?" She frowns, "I'm sorry it's my first day here. And it's rather crazy." She admits, trying to be cheerful, but I'd imagine she's anything but. For a girl, she's rather dramatic looking with auburn hair pulled back into a pony tail and dark eyes. Her shirt was shoulder-less and once again I'm amazed by the combination of elastic and the defiance of gravity performed by women's clothing.
"Hey, don't worry about it." Sorata's talkative as usual, smiling with his eyes almost closed, waving his hand in a dismissive way and grinning amiably, "What's your name?"
I glance back up at her, she smiles at Sorata gratefully, "Imari. I wasn't quite able to make ends meet when I moved here. This seems like a nice enough place." She glanced around, as another table of old cowboys left their seats to crowd around the jukebox.
"We're mostly harmless." Duo speaks up, taking an interest in her as well. "And for the record, all the drinks are on him."
I blink, Duo's pointing at me. "Hey!" I cry out indignantly. "Sorata's the one here making the big money." I flip my thumb sideways passing the responsibility elsewhere. "Not me." I smile up at her, "But I can find you a great orphaned kitty-cat if you want. I work at Tortoise and the Hare. It's a pet store."
"Interesting." Imari smiles hesitantly. And I don't blame her, with the crowd Four Doors usually gets, one can't tell if we're genuinely nice or simply the local losers. "And what do you do?" She redirects her eyes to Sorata, and I feel a wash of . . . something.
"Me?" Sorata points at himself. Doesn't he know that people are naturally drawn to him? Why does he act surprised? I'm watching him, but torn between listening to his answer and seeing Sasame lean in towards Himeno. Himeno who's concentrating very hard on her drink.
"I'm a photographer for a women's magazine." Sorata's tone has changed. Some men might not be proud of that fact, but Sorata's a true photographer and his sister's magazine is a well-respected one. I glance around, torn because I can see Hayate wilting across from me. I'd swear steam is leaking from his recently washed ears.
"Really?" Our waitress taps her pen against the pad. "Which one?"
I'm trying to think of something to say. Something to alleviate Hayate's heartache, cause Sasame to leave forever, and for this woman to stop talking to my Sorata.
"Excuse me. I'll have a Raspberry in Velvet."
My heart stops throbbing in my ears as Dorothy interrupts us.
"All right, um, sure." Imari almost indistinguishably shakes her head, as if coming back to herself. "Anyone else?" She wisely lifts her eyes to the far end of the table, over shooting Sorata.
"Wow, Dotty, that's rather decadent." Duo said slyly, then, "I'll have another of these." He waves the bottle he picked up at the bar when he came in.
The conversation is spinning around the table, Sorata's trying to cheer up Himeno while Sasame is distracted by Duo's excited pitch as he brings up another inquiry about possible saxophone gigs.
"And you're picking up the tab?" Imari makes one last, coy comment. Her eyes sparkling toward the culpable Sorata who does not have time to respond before she's off to another table.
I've been doing my best What else can I do? Is there something I've missed That will help you through
Between the new server sharing barbs with Sorata and the gloomy expression on Hayate's face I'm having a wonderful evening. I haven't had this much fun since Miaka melted my favorite Monty Python VHS tapes in the car.
Every once and a while, I respond to a comment from Duo's end of the table. Duo's oblivious to everything. Dorothy stole Himeno away after she tasted her drink and they were waiting for the pool table again. Dorothy shooting down any men who might have meandered their direction with an icy glare before resuming her unheard conversation with the younger girl.
I'm insanely trying to find something to say to Hayate, but I'm continually distracted by Sorata's sighing. Is no one happy tonight?
So I made a wild attempt.
"Sasame?" I almost choke as he turns toward me. His pale eyes alarmingly gentle. His features soft. He blinks slowly, as if saying 'Yes, you have my undivided attention.' "What brings you back to our area?"
I can feel Hayate stiffen, he hasn't taken anything but water so far this evening. I'm surprised he hasn't bolted, but somehow Hayate's stayed planted in his seat.
"Quite a bit actually." His voice is irritatingly friendly and kind, "I've been the spokesman for one of our country's ambassadors in France. But his daughter has started a campaign here in this district and requested that I come to help out. Have you heard of Sylvia Noventa?"
I'm afraid that I did manage to squirt beer out my nose on that one.
Sorata unhelpfully decides to answer Sasame's question. "Sylvia Noventa? Know her? Dear Lord, Keisuke's been in love with her just about forever."
And did that comment make the conversation at the table stop for several uncomfortable seconds.
Hayate hands me a napkin.
"Sylvia?" Sasame repeats. I'd swear he's repressing with ever fiber of his well-brought-up spirit the comment, "But what are you thinking? She's so much more sophisticated than you. She's talented and beautiful. Everything you're not. Since, well, you pick fleas off stray mutts . . ." I've heard it all before.
Instead, his face glows, "Amazing! I was hoping she might be able to find someone in this city to relax with. I'm always telling her that she needs to find some nice gentleman." His low-textures radio voice is stretching with understated enthusiasm. "What luck." He adds mildly, but nonetheless genuinely.
Now I'm flushed and uncomfortable.
The last person I want to talk about is Sylvia. And where the hell did Sorata get that dumb idea that I'm still pining after her?
I have reached the top of my wall And all I've found is another way to fall
I'm afraid to open my mouth again. Afraid of any other dumb coincidences, granted it's a small enough city. But for Sasame to actually work for Sylvia. I haven't thought about her in . . . well, I haven't thought about her for hours. I knew she'd taken a sincere start into politics. But for this revelation to come on the skirt-tail of all the other disasters?
Duo's asking Sasame about working with Sylvia, then they're back to saxophone conversation again. Sorata's about to open his mouth. Lord, if he of all people mentions Sylvia again . . .
"Let's challenge the girls to a game of pool." Hayate pushes his chair back from the table to arm's length, causing a grating noise I can hear above the jukebox clatter. Someone's playing that same country song again. I'm agitated enough to knock off every cowboy hat I see on the way to the pool table, but I follow rather meekly. Not concerning myself with Sorata at all. Not thinking about him either.
Hayate steps right next to Himeno and the warm look he places down toward the back of her head completely distracts me for a moment. She senses him there and as she turns what she sees is a thinly masked, bland expression.
"Hayate." She says, no quiver in her voice, but I see her pool stick tremble for a brief second. "I'd heard your name, but . . ."
"Imagine seeing you here, tulip-head."
Dorothy is shooing away the lingering players from the last game. Apparently, the girls had let them take a longer turn than normal. The general crowd having other things on their mind than pool tonight.
"My father was sad to see you leave." She stands taller, straightening her backbone. Sparks of confidence returning to her words.
"I'm sure he was sad to see you leave as well." Hayate echoes the sentiment.
"It's different." Her tone accusing. "You -I, it was different. We had no idea where you had gone."
"I got a better job offer, I'm sorry if my leaving hindered your father's business in anyway." Hayate is chalking up his stick, not looking at Himeno at all. I'm honestly surprised at their interaction. Listening to him talk about her, watching his eyes drift toward her, this conversation is all wrong.
"Well, he got someone else to help with the gallery, if that's what you mean." Himeno shrugs.
"And what are you doing these days?"
I say something to Dorothy, and she answers. But my attention is still elsewhere.
"I'm cleaning houses."
"What?" Hayate's voice carries and Dorothy looks over at them, "You're going to school right?"
"No." Himeno shrugs again, indifferent.
Dorothy's says something to me. "Hmm?" I turn back to her.
"Gentlemen first." She repeats, looking at me oddly.
For some short time For a while you and I were joined to eternity Then we split in two back to: me and you Like the rain rising from the sea Rising from the sea We all can see what we shall be But knowing is really not controlling
Dorothy and I play together. She's more polished than I am with all the practice that she's been having lately. But I managed to get a few good shots in before she takes over.
I say a few stupid things, which Dorothy gracefully ignores. But to be honest, I'm stressing. Hayate and Himeno are still standing side by side, no longer talking to each other, arguing silently. But not joining in the game either, not even watching us as they're pretending. And while I'm sweating like crazy, I can feel it starting down my back, Dorothy finishes me off with one last stroke.
"Damn." The curse can only release so much tension.
"Not having fun?" Dorothy glances around, then starts to put another game together.
"Not really." I sigh, and give her a grateful smile. It's nice to be noticed sometimes, even if that's all.
"Not everyone is as attuned and caring as you are, Keisuke." She says matter-of-factly, then waves at the table, "Losers first."
I smile wryly, "That would be me."
Somewhere in the next game, I feel some of my good spirits return, or maybe its that fourth beer. I'm laughing again and getting Dorothy to smile at some of my less crude jokes, must mind myself in front of a lady. And that's what Dorothy is.
And I'm feeling somewhat better because Hayate's managed to keep Himeno to himself for a while. I hope he's making good use of his time. Glancing back at the table, I catch Sorata looking our way. I half wave, when Imari passes between us. His eyes follow her to where she's serving a table of older men waving tips. At least someone's making good use of their time.
"Keisuke," and Dorothy reminds me that I've lost again. "We don't have to keep playing."
I turn back as if coming up for air after drowning in Sorata. Taking in the empty green table dumbly.
"Hayate's leaving. Himeno's back at the table. I'm pretty sure that Duo's got at least three phone numbers from the business women in the corner trying out their second youth here."
"At the Four Doors?" I say skeptically.
"Right." Dorothy-almost-grins.
"Trying to find themselves a second youth at the Four Doors?" For some reason, I'm finding that particular funny.
"Why do you keep coming back here, Keisuke?" Dorothy crosses over next to me and is brushing her hair back over her shoulders, it's growing out quickly I notice. I also notice Sorata's laughing again. My ears are turning warm.
"I suppose it's comfortable."
"Care for something different?" She says, teasing.
I turn to stare at her. I know she's not propositioning me. She's not scolding me either. I'm not sure what she's doing for me, but her clear blue eyes are in some strange way demonstrating understanding.
"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling under-appreciated tonight." Those eyes take a new mischievous glint. "Not that playing pool with you all night didn't seem a viable option, but I don't think anyone's going to miss us if we skip out either."
I shrug. "What the heck." Hayate's slipped out without so much as a good- bye. Sorata's preoccupied.
I can't really do that much damage to anything else.
With time perhaps I will pass the traps and find some peace and understanding After you'd come and while you're gone You leave me guessing-It's depressing Never to know the way to go to find some time along a little less pressing So you just have to laugh When it hurts so much You're so far away and so hard to touch
"Damn."
And suddenly the word takes a whole new meaning.
"Look like fun?" Dorothy is practically shouting at me, and I've never heard her say anything before now without her deliberate calmness. I'm sensing an incredible playfulness creeping into Dorothy's demeanor.
"Where the hell have you brought me?" I'm stunned, just about three steps into an establishment called Transylvanian Concubine.
"Some place for a little fun. Something ~not~ Four Doors." She grabs my hand and I'm glad because I don't think I could have moved another step if she hadn't pulled me in. Transylvanian Concubine is a nightclub much crazier than the warm Four Doors family I'm used to. I'm feeling terribly out of place in my jeans and striped shirt. I'm seeing more gravity defying clothes in one glance than I've seen in all my twenty-eight years.
"It's so . . . so . . ." I stammer, my fingers almost tightening around Dorothy's. Afraid she's going to leave me. She squeezes back, comforting but not quite. Nothing about this place is comfortable. But the wildness is intoxicating as well.
"What's that? I can't hear you!" Dorothy slaps away some fellow that reaches for her, pointing at me. "I'm with him." She shouts nastily. And the stranger cowers away.
Yikes. I'm glad she's on my side.
I can hardly hear myself think.
"Do you come here often?" I attempt to talk. Dorothy grins, a smile that starts to stretch farther than I've seen her make any expression. I like it. I like her.
"Only every chance I get." She laughs. Something else new and different. Had Four Doors been repressing her? Why? How?
"Then why . . ." I start.
"The same reason why you do." She stops me mid-thought, warning. "Now no more of that here. Let's dance!"
The song switches. Songs I don't even recognize but I can certainly tell you they aren't country western.
To be honest with you, dancing is not something I find very exciting. I went to a few in high school and spent most of my time with Duo trying to spike the punch while Sorata looked on. Or in the later years, was busy flirting. I'd thought that the only person I'd really want to dance with was Sorata.
Of course, I had gone to a few official ballroom dances when Sylvia invited me.
Sylvia. Oh God, I'd almost forgotten.
But just as my thoughts turned, Dorothy reaches out and taps my chin lightly. "Earth to Keisuke, come back, roger."
I'm startled by her chattiness. Watching her loosen up is causing me to pause. Then I start to find her enthusiasm contagious. Even bumping into the people next to me is rather amusing. I laugh, causing Dorothy's eyebrows to lift.
"There you are. Welcome back, Keisuke."
"Where'd I go?" Grinning stupidly, I'm sure.
"Some place very depressing," She shakes her head, someone passes between us showing me his back, and Dorothy rather resolutely pushes him along. "But Keisuke, if you're going to help Hayate out . . . remember that whether he fails or succeeds is his own fault. Not yours."
I'm feeling a bit hollowed out again, remembering. Then I feel her fingers wrapping behind my neck.
"Look at me."
I try.
"Now, I want you to have some fun yourself. Stop trying to make everyone else happy for once." She spins around, somehow fitting right in to her surroundings, then facing me again. "I think he likes you."
Something inside me freezes.
Dorothy leans in again, then tilts her head back, "I think he likes you."
"Who? What? Where?"
"Is this journalism class?" Dorothy reaches out and pulls me out of the dancers, I'm relieved really. "Follow me." She says, flashing me teeth as I practically stumble up the stairs behind her.
But somehow, I lose her fingers.
And then I'm being hustled down the stairs again.
"Hey gorgeous."
I'm more than a little flabbergasted. It's not the first time I've heard that phrase. Duo says it all the time, but only in jest. This time I'm standing awkwardly between stairs. Back against the wall.
"Um, hi." I start, taking in this newcomer, glimpsing fragments of his features as the lights from the dance floor shift across us. What the hell am I doing here? Where's Dorothy? Help.
"You're new here, are you?" He leans back a bit, studying me at an angle, crossing his bare arms over a bare midriff. What sort of place has Dorothy brought me to? He chuckles, and I'm burning with embarrassment. I really don't belong here at all.
I almost miss hearing him say, as if an after thought, "You are too adorable."
I'm a bit taken back by that. He's leaning in. I wasn't really expecting . . .
Then Dorothy saves me, "Um, hi. He's with me. Sorry. Go have fun instead, with, um, him." She points away, vaguely. Then entwines her fingers with mine.
"Dorothy . . ." I say doubtfully.
"Oh that? That's normal." She dismisses my alarm, "I promise you'll have fun, just stay with me this time."
I can still see that guy watching me as Dorothy pulls me up the stairs.
I have reached the top of my wall and all I've found is another way to fall
Dorothy was more or less as good as her promise. After being accosted on the staircase, Transylvanian Concubine had already earned me more hits than all the years I'd been a patron at Four Doors. And I'm not counting men over forty. Not that there were any of them either. They seemed to like Duo better.
Upstairs is much calmer. Dorothy and I have a few good laughs at the other patron's expenses. Nothing quite makes you feel better than making fun of other people. Something I wouldn't do under normal circumstances, but the atmosphere just lends itself a spirit of levity. Once I got used to the noise and the younger crowd, I notice the place had it's own style of comfort. One of bliss. Granted, it all seems a rather temporary bliss. But for a change of pace . . .
"I met Duo here." Dorothy's daintily nibbling her olive. "I would come and sit up here. Pick out the best dancer and claim him for the evening. My dates hated it."
I laugh sharply at that. I also realize I don't know that much about Dorothy either. I'd always seen her as rather aristocratic. This playful side of her, I wonder what harnesses it elsewhere? "I didn't know Duo came here."
"It only took once for me to find him. He's a great dancer. Lousy boyfriend."
"What!"
"Well, some people are."
"No, you dated him? For real?" I'm amused, and I'm feeling pretty good about now.
"Hardly, just enough to meet you all and decide that I could use a little calmer setting from time to time."
"I see." Not that I really could understand anything Dorothy does. "We all were curious why you stayed."
"Well, this goddess liked the taste of the common folk. You're a charming little bunch, if often misguided."
I shrug. We're near the railing and my eyes sweep across the dancers. They've been playing music for over an hour now and I haven't recognized a single song, a single dancer. Everything here is so new.
"Oh, there's your boyfriend." Dorothy tips her head.
She's right. The guy from the stairs is pretty easy to spot, from his extraordinarily cut clothes to the brilliant red stripe I notice standing out from his wild dark hair. Not to mention that he seems to be having a really good time.
"He might be new to the area," Dorothy muses aloud, "He's a great dancer, and I've never seen him before."
I don't think I could tell a great dancer from an awful one truthfully, but I must admit he does look pretty attractive.
"Keisuke," Dorothy pauses, as if preparing to say something she'd meant to all along, "I think he likes you." I glance down at the handsome dancer, "No. Not him. Sorata. I know Sorata likes you, but I'm not certain that anything will ever come of it."
I find that sitting still is the simplest way to react.
"So I'd advise caution. And don't forget, there are probably quite a few people, like that guy down there, who might try to take advantage of a gentleman." Dorothy watches closely. She's as protective of me as she is Himeno I imagine.
"I'm going to be fine." I joke. Sorata may like me, now only as a good friend. I can accept that. I have accepted that. I simply reserve the right to be miserable about it.
"So do you want to do this again sometime?"
"Absolutely!"
Since it began I got one dream and really it's my only blessing If I can come through then so can you And you will find there's no regretting Things you want from your life's font Will never let your spirit roam Come back to earth for what it's worth For you've been dreaming of a ceiling not a home
The next thing I know it's Saturday afternoon. I can hear Hayate in the shower. He must have been called in to work this morning. I didn't even hear the phone ring. In passing I wonder if he got a full night's sleep. Since he'd gone out with us.
I sit bolt upright in bed.
Now there's this pleasant little feeling that one has when one wakes up. A peaceful clarity of thoughts, intentions. I make up some of the best excuses for sleeping in or justifying snoozing during that time. I'm very diplomatic with myself.
This morning I find myself skipping right over those excuses.
Hayate had gone to Four Doors to meet Himeno. And I'd abandoned him.
Holding my head I realize better that, in fact, Hayate had his moment to talk to Himeno and then had left of his own accord. Still. I should have left with him. Should have checked on him. Asked if he needed anything.
Then in perfect sequence I remember Dorothy telling me to forgive myself.
I hear that Hayate has escaped from the shower and he closes his bedroom door.
Four hours later, I've managed to add another lunch plate to the pile in the living room, watched a made for TV movie and Hayate has yet to immerge.
I decide that he's sleeping.
I hope he's sleeping.
I feel just awful.
I've been doing my best What else can I do? Is there something I've missed That will help you through
Dorothy calls. She invites me to Transylvanian Concubine again. I decline. I don't think I ever want to go to another bar again. She takes it well.
I shake my head. It feels very full. Of memories in a big knotted jumble. I wonder what exactly that last drink Dorothy suggested had in it. I need to stop drinking.
I can't seem to form a coherent thought.
After my nap on the couch, Hayate still hasn't made an appearance.
I remember what Dorothy said about Sorata and I can't help but debate if she knows anything. I manage a few superficial thoughts, such as: Just friends is fine with me. Or, there was a blasted new waitress and he fell for her just like that! I can't remember which alibi I had intended on believing.
By reflex in the face of grave, personal decisions, I fall back asleep again. Hoping to reach that content moment between sleeping and waking. Staying there forever.
But sleeping took me deep. And I must have slept write through the telephone call. And right through Hayate leaving. Because when I sat bolt upright again for the second time that Saturday, I was on the couch. A hastily scrawled note balanced on one clean corner of the table.
~Keisuke, I've gone out. However, you've been invited to a party. Call Sasame at this number.~
There is no question.
Sylvia.
Although, I'm a little surprised that Hayate had the poise to take the message.
I have reached the top of my wall And all I've found is another way to fall
(Disclaimer: Okay, after a frustrating string of events, I've decided to here after spell "Sesame" the more conventional way, "Sasame." While the version of Pretear I've seen utilizes both spellings, "Sasame" seems to have the fansubbers blessing. Lyrics from the Moody Blues "After You Came." Characters are gathered from the far reaches of anime. Don't sweat it, I've picked some interesting ones. Newest characters from Himiko Den and Pretear (again), but don't worry if you haven't seen the series. I'm just borrowing them for my Alternate Universe. By the by, is anyone else sweating bullets? Suddenly, it's a very hot summer. Anyway, this chapter is a bit more Keisuke-centered.)
***
Since it began I've got one dream and really it's my only blessing If I can come through then so can you And you will find there's no regretting
Well, what can I say?
It wasn't exactly the reunion I was envisioning. To recap, I'd been knocked off my feet by Hayate's sudden interest in joining the gang at Four Doors. It was the first and most important step as far as reuniting my roommate with this girl that he knew. The girl he pined after. The girl Hayate loves.
The girl that is desperately trying to make everyone comfortable.
I'm sitting next to Sorata who somehow manages to be blissfully unaware of the tension around him. We've made a large crowd this evening. Sorata just on my right, he's pleasantly sober still his cheeks burn with a more reddish hue than usual next to me. Even as I'm admiring his upturned nose, I see past him to Himeno who has both of her hands wrapped around her untouched coke. And beyond her . . .
We're a large crowd tonight. One person too many by my count.
And one person to many by his as well, if I'm interpreting Sasame's demeanor accurately enough.
We're a large table tonight, but before much conversation can get started, an unfamiliar girl is surveying our bunch with her pen balance between her teeth. She must be new.
"Where's Kazuma?" Duo asks startled. "It's Friday night, isn't it? That's his night." Sorata's nodding his head.
"Kazuma?" She frowns, "I'm sorry it's my first day here. And it's rather crazy." She admits, trying to be cheerful, but I'd imagine she's anything but. For a girl, she's rather dramatic looking with auburn hair pulled back into a pony tail and dark eyes. Her shirt was shoulder-less and once again I'm amazed by the combination of elastic and the defiance of gravity performed by women's clothing.
"Hey, don't worry about it." Sorata's talkative as usual, smiling with his eyes almost closed, waving his hand in a dismissive way and grinning amiably, "What's your name?"
I glance back up at her, she smiles at Sorata gratefully, "Imari. I wasn't quite able to make ends meet when I moved here. This seems like a nice enough place." She glanced around, as another table of old cowboys left their seats to crowd around the jukebox.
"We're mostly harmless." Duo speaks up, taking an interest in her as well. "And for the record, all the drinks are on him."
I blink, Duo's pointing at me. "Hey!" I cry out indignantly. "Sorata's the one here making the big money." I flip my thumb sideways passing the responsibility elsewhere. "Not me." I smile up at her, "But I can find you a great orphaned kitty-cat if you want. I work at Tortoise and the Hare. It's a pet store."
"Interesting." Imari smiles hesitantly. And I don't blame her, with the crowd Four Doors usually gets, one can't tell if we're genuinely nice or simply the local losers. "And what do you do?" She redirects her eyes to Sorata, and I feel a wash of . . . something.
"Me?" Sorata points at himself. Doesn't he know that people are naturally drawn to him? Why does he act surprised? I'm watching him, but torn between listening to his answer and seeing Sasame lean in towards Himeno. Himeno who's concentrating very hard on her drink.
"I'm a photographer for a women's magazine." Sorata's tone has changed. Some men might not be proud of that fact, but Sorata's a true photographer and his sister's magazine is a well-respected one. I glance around, torn because I can see Hayate wilting across from me. I'd swear steam is leaking from his recently washed ears.
"Really?" Our waitress taps her pen against the pad. "Which one?"
I'm trying to think of something to say. Something to alleviate Hayate's heartache, cause Sasame to leave forever, and for this woman to stop talking to my Sorata.
"Excuse me. I'll have a Raspberry in Velvet."
My heart stops throbbing in my ears as Dorothy interrupts us.
"All right, um, sure." Imari almost indistinguishably shakes her head, as if coming back to herself. "Anyone else?" She wisely lifts her eyes to the far end of the table, over shooting Sorata.
"Wow, Dotty, that's rather decadent." Duo said slyly, then, "I'll have another of these." He waves the bottle he picked up at the bar when he came in.
The conversation is spinning around the table, Sorata's trying to cheer up Himeno while Sasame is distracted by Duo's excited pitch as he brings up another inquiry about possible saxophone gigs.
"And you're picking up the tab?" Imari makes one last, coy comment. Her eyes sparkling toward the culpable Sorata who does not have time to respond before she's off to another table.
I've been doing my best What else can I do? Is there something I've missed That will help you through
Between the new server sharing barbs with Sorata and the gloomy expression on Hayate's face I'm having a wonderful evening. I haven't had this much fun since Miaka melted my favorite Monty Python VHS tapes in the car.
Every once and a while, I respond to a comment from Duo's end of the table. Duo's oblivious to everything. Dorothy stole Himeno away after she tasted her drink and they were waiting for the pool table again. Dorothy shooting down any men who might have meandered their direction with an icy glare before resuming her unheard conversation with the younger girl.
I'm insanely trying to find something to say to Hayate, but I'm continually distracted by Sorata's sighing. Is no one happy tonight?
So I made a wild attempt.
"Sasame?" I almost choke as he turns toward me. His pale eyes alarmingly gentle. His features soft. He blinks slowly, as if saying 'Yes, you have my undivided attention.' "What brings you back to our area?"
I can feel Hayate stiffen, he hasn't taken anything but water so far this evening. I'm surprised he hasn't bolted, but somehow Hayate's stayed planted in his seat.
"Quite a bit actually." His voice is irritatingly friendly and kind, "I've been the spokesman for one of our country's ambassadors in France. But his daughter has started a campaign here in this district and requested that I come to help out. Have you heard of Sylvia Noventa?"
I'm afraid that I did manage to squirt beer out my nose on that one.
Sorata unhelpfully decides to answer Sasame's question. "Sylvia Noventa? Know her? Dear Lord, Keisuke's been in love with her just about forever."
And did that comment make the conversation at the table stop for several uncomfortable seconds.
Hayate hands me a napkin.
"Sylvia?" Sasame repeats. I'd swear he's repressing with ever fiber of his well-brought-up spirit the comment, "But what are you thinking? She's so much more sophisticated than you. She's talented and beautiful. Everything you're not. Since, well, you pick fleas off stray mutts . . ." I've heard it all before.
Instead, his face glows, "Amazing! I was hoping she might be able to find someone in this city to relax with. I'm always telling her that she needs to find some nice gentleman." His low-textures radio voice is stretching with understated enthusiasm. "What luck." He adds mildly, but nonetheless genuinely.
Now I'm flushed and uncomfortable.
The last person I want to talk about is Sylvia. And where the hell did Sorata get that dumb idea that I'm still pining after her?
I have reached the top of my wall And all I've found is another way to fall
I'm afraid to open my mouth again. Afraid of any other dumb coincidences, granted it's a small enough city. But for Sasame to actually work for Sylvia. I haven't thought about her in . . . well, I haven't thought about her for hours. I knew she'd taken a sincere start into politics. But for this revelation to come on the skirt-tail of all the other disasters?
Duo's asking Sasame about working with Sylvia, then they're back to saxophone conversation again. Sorata's about to open his mouth. Lord, if he of all people mentions Sylvia again . . .
"Let's challenge the girls to a game of pool." Hayate pushes his chair back from the table to arm's length, causing a grating noise I can hear above the jukebox clatter. Someone's playing that same country song again. I'm agitated enough to knock off every cowboy hat I see on the way to the pool table, but I follow rather meekly. Not concerning myself with Sorata at all. Not thinking about him either.
Hayate steps right next to Himeno and the warm look he places down toward the back of her head completely distracts me for a moment. She senses him there and as she turns what she sees is a thinly masked, bland expression.
"Hayate." She says, no quiver in her voice, but I see her pool stick tremble for a brief second. "I'd heard your name, but . . ."
"Imagine seeing you here, tulip-head."
Dorothy is shooing away the lingering players from the last game. Apparently, the girls had let them take a longer turn than normal. The general crowd having other things on their mind than pool tonight.
"My father was sad to see you leave." She stands taller, straightening her backbone. Sparks of confidence returning to her words.
"I'm sure he was sad to see you leave as well." Hayate echoes the sentiment.
"It's different." Her tone accusing. "You -I, it was different. We had no idea where you had gone."
"I got a better job offer, I'm sorry if my leaving hindered your father's business in anyway." Hayate is chalking up his stick, not looking at Himeno at all. I'm honestly surprised at their interaction. Listening to him talk about her, watching his eyes drift toward her, this conversation is all wrong.
"Well, he got someone else to help with the gallery, if that's what you mean." Himeno shrugs.
"And what are you doing these days?"
I say something to Dorothy, and she answers. But my attention is still elsewhere.
"I'm cleaning houses."
"What?" Hayate's voice carries and Dorothy looks over at them, "You're going to school right?"
"No." Himeno shrugs again, indifferent.
Dorothy's says something to me. "Hmm?" I turn back to her.
"Gentlemen first." She repeats, looking at me oddly.
For some short time For a while you and I were joined to eternity Then we split in two back to: me and you Like the rain rising from the sea Rising from the sea We all can see what we shall be But knowing is really not controlling
Dorothy and I play together. She's more polished than I am with all the practice that she's been having lately. But I managed to get a few good shots in before she takes over.
I say a few stupid things, which Dorothy gracefully ignores. But to be honest, I'm stressing. Hayate and Himeno are still standing side by side, no longer talking to each other, arguing silently. But not joining in the game either, not even watching us as they're pretending. And while I'm sweating like crazy, I can feel it starting down my back, Dorothy finishes me off with one last stroke.
"Damn." The curse can only release so much tension.
"Not having fun?" Dorothy glances around, then starts to put another game together.
"Not really." I sigh, and give her a grateful smile. It's nice to be noticed sometimes, even if that's all.
"Not everyone is as attuned and caring as you are, Keisuke." She says matter-of-factly, then waves at the table, "Losers first."
I smile wryly, "That would be me."
Somewhere in the next game, I feel some of my good spirits return, or maybe its that fourth beer. I'm laughing again and getting Dorothy to smile at some of my less crude jokes, must mind myself in front of a lady. And that's what Dorothy is.
And I'm feeling somewhat better because Hayate's managed to keep Himeno to himself for a while. I hope he's making good use of his time. Glancing back at the table, I catch Sorata looking our way. I half wave, when Imari passes between us. His eyes follow her to where she's serving a table of older men waving tips. At least someone's making good use of their time.
"Keisuke," and Dorothy reminds me that I've lost again. "We don't have to keep playing."
I turn back as if coming up for air after drowning in Sorata. Taking in the empty green table dumbly.
"Hayate's leaving. Himeno's back at the table. I'm pretty sure that Duo's got at least three phone numbers from the business women in the corner trying out their second youth here."
"At the Four Doors?" I say skeptically.
"Right." Dorothy-almost-grins.
"Trying to find themselves a second youth at the Four Doors?" For some reason, I'm finding that particular funny.
"Why do you keep coming back here, Keisuke?" Dorothy crosses over next to me and is brushing her hair back over her shoulders, it's growing out quickly I notice. I also notice Sorata's laughing again. My ears are turning warm.
"I suppose it's comfortable."
"Care for something different?" She says, teasing.
I turn to stare at her. I know she's not propositioning me. She's not scolding me either. I'm not sure what she's doing for me, but her clear blue eyes are in some strange way demonstrating understanding.
"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling under-appreciated tonight." Those eyes take a new mischievous glint. "Not that playing pool with you all night didn't seem a viable option, but I don't think anyone's going to miss us if we skip out either."
I shrug. "What the heck." Hayate's slipped out without so much as a good- bye. Sorata's preoccupied.
I can't really do that much damage to anything else.
With time perhaps I will pass the traps and find some peace and understanding After you'd come and while you're gone You leave me guessing-It's depressing Never to know the way to go to find some time along a little less pressing So you just have to laugh When it hurts so much You're so far away and so hard to touch
"Damn."
And suddenly the word takes a whole new meaning.
"Look like fun?" Dorothy is practically shouting at me, and I've never heard her say anything before now without her deliberate calmness. I'm sensing an incredible playfulness creeping into Dorothy's demeanor.
"Where the hell have you brought me?" I'm stunned, just about three steps into an establishment called Transylvanian Concubine.
"Some place for a little fun. Something ~not~ Four Doors." She grabs my hand and I'm glad because I don't think I could have moved another step if she hadn't pulled me in. Transylvanian Concubine is a nightclub much crazier than the warm Four Doors family I'm used to. I'm feeling terribly out of place in my jeans and striped shirt. I'm seeing more gravity defying clothes in one glance than I've seen in all my twenty-eight years.
"It's so . . . so . . ." I stammer, my fingers almost tightening around Dorothy's. Afraid she's going to leave me. She squeezes back, comforting but not quite. Nothing about this place is comfortable. But the wildness is intoxicating as well.
"What's that? I can't hear you!" Dorothy slaps away some fellow that reaches for her, pointing at me. "I'm with him." She shouts nastily. And the stranger cowers away.
Yikes. I'm glad she's on my side.
I can hardly hear myself think.
"Do you come here often?" I attempt to talk. Dorothy grins, a smile that starts to stretch farther than I've seen her make any expression. I like it. I like her.
"Only every chance I get." She laughs. Something else new and different. Had Four Doors been repressing her? Why? How?
"Then why . . ." I start.
"The same reason why you do." She stops me mid-thought, warning. "Now no more of that here. Let's dance!"
The song switches. Songs I don't even recognize but I can certainly tell you they aren't country western.
To be honest with you, dancing is not something I find very exciting. I went to a few in high school and spent most of my time with Duo trying to spike the punch while Sorata looked on. Or in the later years, was busy flirting. I'd thought that the only person I'd really want to dance with was Sorata.
Of course, I had gone to a few official ballroom dances when Sylvia invited me.
Sylvia. Oh God, I'd almost forgotten.
But just as my thoughts turned, Dorothy reaches out and taps my chin lightly. "Earth to Keisuke, come back, roger."
I'm startled by her chattiness. Watching her loosen up is causing me to pause. Then I start to find her enthusiasm contagious. Even bumping into the people next to me is rather amusing. I laugh, causing Dorothy's eyebrows to lift.
"There you are. Welcome back, Keisuke."
"Where'd I go?" Grinning stupidly, I'm sure.
"Some place very depressing," She shakes her head, someone passes between us showing me his back, and Dorothy rather resolutely pushes him along. "But Keisuke, if you're going to help Hayate out . . . remember that whether he fails or succeeds is his own fault. Not yours."
I'm feeling a bit hollowed out again, remembering. Then I feel her fingers wrapping behind my neck.
"Look at me."
I try.
"Now, I want you to have some fun yourself. Stop trying to make everyone else happy for once." She spins around, somehow fitting right in to her surroundings, then facing me again. "I think he likes you."
Something inside me freezes.
Dorothy leans in again, then tilts her head back, "I think he likes you."
"Who? What? Where?"
"Is this journalism class?" Dorothy reaches out and pulls me out of the dancers, I'm relieved really. "Follow me." She says, flashing me teeth as I practically stumble up the stairs behind her.
But somehow, I lose her fingers.
And then I'm being hustled down the stairs again.
"Hey gorgeous."
I'm more than a little flabbergasted. It's not the first time I've heard that phrase. Duo says it all the time, but only in jest. This time I'm standing awkwardly between stairs. Back against the wall.
"Um, hi." I start, taking in this newcomer, glimpsing fragments of his features as the lights from the dance floor shift across us. What the hell am I doing here? Where's Dorothy? Help.
"You're new here, are you?" He leans back a bit, studying me at an angle, crossing his bare arms over a bare midriff. What sort of place has Dorothy brought me to? He chuckles, and I'm burning with embarrassment. I really don't belong here at all.
I almost miss hearing him say, as if an after thought, "You are too adorable."
I'm a bit taken back by that. He's leaning in. I wasn't really expecting . . .
Then Dorothy saves me, "Um, hi. He's with me. Sorry. Go have fun instead, with, um, him." She points away, vaguely. Then entwines her fingers with mine.
"Dorothy . . ." I say doubtfully.
"Oh that? That's normal." She dismisses my alarm, "I promise you'll have fun, just stay with me this time."
I can still see that guy watching me as Dorothy pulls me up the stairs.
I have reached the top of my wall and all I've found is another way to fall
Dorothy was more or less as good as her promise. After being accosted on the staircase, Transylvanian Concubine had already earned me more hits than all the years I'd been a patron at Four Doors. And I'm not counting men over forty. Not that there were any of them either. They seemed to like Duo better.
Upstairs is much calmer. Dorothy and I have a few good laughs at the other patron's expenses. Nothing quite makes you feel better than making fun of other people. Something I wouldn't do under normal circumstances, but the atmosphere just lends itself a spirit of levity. Once I got used to the noise and the younger crowd, I notice the place had it's own style of comfort. One of bliss. Granted, it all seems a rather temporary bliss. But for a change of pace . . .
"I met Duo here." Dorothy's daintily nibbling her olive. "I would come and sit up here. Pick out the best dancer and claim him for the evening. My dates hated it."
I laugh sharply at that. I also realize I don't know that much about Dorothy either. I'd always seen her as rather aristocratic. This playful side of her, I wonder what harnesses it elsewhere? "I didn't know Duo came here."
"It only took once for me to find him. He's a great dancer. Lousy boyfriend."
"What!"
"Well, some people are."
"No, you dated him? For real?" I'm amused, and I'm feeling pretty good about now.
"Hardly, just enough to meet you all and decide that I could use a little calmer setting from time to time."
"I see." Not that I really could understand anything Dorothy does. "We all were curious why you stayed."
"Well, this goddess liked the taste of the common folk. You're a charming little bunch, if often misguided."
I shrug. We're near the railing and my eyes sweep across the dancers. They've been playing music for over an hour now and I haven't recognized a single song, a single dancer. Everything here is so new.
"Oh, there's your boyfriend." Dorothy tips her head.
She's right. The guy from the stairs is pretty easy to spot, from his extraordinarily cut clothes to the brilliant red stripe I notice standing out from his wild dark hair. Not to mention that he seems to be having a really good time.
"He might be new to the area," Dorothy muses aloud, "He's a great dancer, and I've never seen him before."
I don't think I could tell a great dancer from an awful one truthfully, but I must admit he does look pretty attractive.
"Keisuke," Dorothy pauses, as if preparing to say something she'd meant to all along, "I think he likes you." I glance down at the handsome dancer, "No. Not him. Sorata. I know Sorata likes you, but I'm not certain that anything will ever come of it."
I find that sitting still is the simplest way to react.
"So I'd advise caution. And don't forget, there are probably quite a few people, like that guy down there, who might try to take advantage of a gentleman." Dorothy watches closely. She's as protective of me as she is Himeno I imagine.
"I'm going to be fine." I joke. Sorata may like me, now only as a good friend. I can accept that. I have accepted that. I simply reserve the right to be miserable about it.
"So do you want to do this again sometime?"
"Absolutely!"
Since it began I got one dream and really it's my only blessing If I can come through then so can you And you will find there's no regretting Things you want from your life's font Will never let your spirit roam Come back to earth for what it's worth For you've been dreaming of a ceiling not a home
The next thing I know it's Saturday afternoon. I can hear Hayate in the shower. He must have been called in to work this morning. I didn't even hear the phone ring. In passing I wonder if he got a full night's sleep. Since he'd gone out with us.
I sit bolt upright in bed.
Now there's this pleasant little feeling that one has when one wakes up. A peaceful clarity of thoughts, intentions. I make up some of the best excuses for sleeping in or justifying snoozing during that time. I'm very diplomatic with myself.
This morning I find myself skipping right over those excuses.
Hayate had gone to Four Doors to meet Himeno. And I'd abandoned him.
Holding my head I realize better that, in fact, Hayate had his moment to talk to Himeno and then had left of his own accord. Still. I should have left with him. Should have checked on him. Asked if he needed anything.
Then in perfect sequence I remember Dorothy telling me to forgive myself.
I hear that Hayate has escaped from the shower and he closes his bedroom door.
Four hours later, I've managed to add another lunch plate to the pile in the living room, watched a made for TV movie and Hayate has yet to immerge.
I decide that he's sleeping.
I hope he's sleeping.
I feel just awful.
I've been doing my best What else can I do? Is there something I've missed That will help you through
Dorothy calls. She invites me to Transylvanian Concubine again. I decline. I don't think I ever want to go to another bar again. She takes it well.
I shake my head. It feels very full. Of memories in a big knotted jumble. I wonder what exactly that last drink Dorothy suggested had in it. I need to stop drinking.
I can't seem to form a coherent thought.
After my nap on the couch, Hayate still hasn't made an appearance.
I remember what Dorothy said about Sorata and I can't help but debate if she knows anything. I manage a few superficial thoughts, such as: Just friends is fine with me. Or, there was a blasted new waitress and he fell for her just like that! I can't remember which alibi I had intended on believing.
By reflex in the face of grave, personal decisions, I fall back asleep again. Hoping to reach that content moment between sleeping and waking. Staying there forever.
But sleeping took me deep. And I must have slept write through the telephone call. And right through Hayate leaving. Because when I sat bolt upright again for the second time that Saturday, I was on the couch. A hastily scrawled note balanced on one clean corner of the table.
~Keisuke, I've gone out. However, you've been invited to a party. Call Sasame at this number.~
There is no question.
Sylvia.
Although, I'm a little surprised that Hayate had the poise to take the message.
I have reached the top of my wall And all I've found is another way to fall