Dare Not to Ask
By Jillian Storm
(Disclaimer: I suppose I should officially admit that I'm just borrowing the characters. And the lyrics. This time brought about by Gordon Lightfoot's "Go My Way." I'm not usually such a fan of mellow music, but Keisuke seems inspired by it. *shrugs* Enjoy! Oh, yes-more author's notes at the end.)
***
Go my way
and your dreams will all come true
Go my way
and I'll be good to you.
In the sunset the wild waves are calling,
my shadow is following you.
***
I'm reaching a point where I wonder how much I should be confessing, admitting, owning up to . . . and how much God really knows already. Upon occasion, I think He's really the one who is bound and determined to make things complicated for me. Saying things like, "Hmm, Keisuke's been a good boy. Let's see how much trouble he can handle and still maintain that integrity of his."
I shake my fist toward the sky and think loudly, "I'm on to you God! You knew this was going to happen all along." However, that's as far as it goes. I tend to get a little glassy eyed whenever my thoughts try to circle around the concept of predestination.
Trouble is, somehow, between her secret cigarette addiction and her fear of men, my mother raised me in such a way that I want to be a decent person. I like being nice. And, darn it all, I like God. He's not so bad.
If I think back to last night, I do wonder why the Transylvanian Concubine's most eligible bachelor bothered to help me out. Maybe that's something I should confess. Confess that I was just a bit too sober when we shut my drunk-out-of-his-mind roommate into his room. Confess that our promised chat never happened, since we were a bit distracted by some, well, more personal exploring. Confess that our stupid couch just isn't big enough for said exploring. Confess that it was with great, great reluctance that I let him leave and went back to my room.
Now, I'm sure God knows about all of that. I wonder if anyone else here, besides Him, suspects what Keisuke Yuuki does in his free time. I wonder if anyone else here bothers to think about his or her life like this, in so much-hesitating-detail. I'm afraid to ask. I might come to church, but there is no way you'll find me in that revealing booth sharing this with a priest.
Confessing that while I like Goh alright. While I like the attention. The affection.
Confess that I feel awful guilty. Guilty when I fell into my own bed, pulling off my rumpled clothes. Guilty as it had been Goh who tangled his fingers in my hair. Not that I had minded.
Guilty that as much as I like this guy. As much as he surprises me with his attention. Something in me can't let go.
I feel around for my wallet. Aw, heck. Why turn down something that might be wonderful? Goh might be the exact way I can shake off my trouble with Sorata. He did turn up just in time, after all. Maybe that's the universe's way of apologizing.
On the other hand, it might get me into even more trouble.
But there's really no way to know until you try it out. I flip through the receipts, absent of anything substantiating true monetary value. The incense makes me lightheaded for a moment. I'm sitting just a bit too close today. A bit too close so that like the front row of the movie theater, I can't take in the whole picture.
There it is. Well, it can't hurt. After all, I essentially had permission, since he had given me his phone number.
***
Go my way
and I'll take you by the hand,
believe in me
and I'll do the best I can.
I can't be anything but just what I am,
I can't help it if I'm in love with you.
****
"So how serious are you guys?"
Crap, I thought I had prepared myself for this. But Duo's toothy grin and I'm-not-so-innocent-you-can't-fool-me stare catches me off guard. I'm hovering by the entryway to Four Doors, meaning to hide in the shadows of the dark wood walls and doors.
No such luck. News that Keisuke had invited an outsider. A friend. A perhaps-more-than-friend had been the only conversation so far. Dorothy and Hayate are speculating about it at the table. Hayate really is no help, because he can't remember anything from last night. And vowing up and down that he'll swear off drinking forever. Boy just can't handle his alcohol. Truthfully, I do prefer he leave it alone. He's not a very mobile drunk and it took two of us to get him up the stairs to the apartment. Goh pulling up on one leg while I shouldered most all of Hayate's weight as he shifted.
Not fun.
"Serious?" I react quickly enough, laughing, "Hey man, this is Keisuke Yuuki you're talking about here. Absolutely, one hundred percent *not* serious." I glare at him with mock-suspicion, "And how serious are you about what's her face?"
"Who?" Duo feigns innocence, "I haven't even started hitting on girls tonight. Too early."
"Early is right." I press, "Why are you here so early?"
"Well, Hayate told us you'd found somebody," Duo shrugs, "And we didn't want to miss it."
"My gosh, you're actually answering all of my questions." I tease, poking him in the shoulder, trying to urge him back toward the others so I can wait in peace.
He wiggles his eyebrows. Something that annoys Dorothy, makes other girls giggle, and is so much the jolly kid I grew up with. "And I expect you to answer all of mine." A strange determination falling on the muscles around his mouth, "Are you serious about this guy?"
"As serious as I can be." I still don't like that question, "How am I supposed to know yet?"
"I'm just checking," Duo continues with the serious tone, "I mean, you find this guy. And Sorata . . . well. It's all happening so quickly. I'm just trying to watch out for you guys." Then feeling the cloud of frustration growning between us, he slaps my arm, "Or maybe I'm just jealous."
"Oh yes," I roll my eyes toward the ceiling, "And you are just destined to stay single forever."
In another cosmic joke, just then, a pretty gal with reddish-brown hair opens the door, gives a gorgeous smile and slips past us. Duo's eyes suddenly glued on her. Without looking back, he comments, "Okay. Maybe single forever, but not if I can get her phone number." He shakes his head in amazement, "Wow."
"Down boy." I warn, with little hope.
"She's new." He's talking to himself now.
Dou's hopeless. But I take my chance, "Go get her."
"Mission accepted." Immediately, he adopts that self-confident walk that we're all so jealous of. I watch him sit down with Hayate and Dorothy again, but taking the seat that best faces the woman that just came in. When Imari appears, Duo pulls down on her elbow. Obviously beginning his conspiracy for the evening.
"You called?"
While I was distracted, Goh slips up next to me and whispers in my ear. He has such a nice voice. But it's a bit startling to hear his attentiveness in the Four Doors, where I'm just plain and simple me. The place where I'm not the mysterious new guy who watches from the balcony corner. "Called? Hmm? Yeah, that was me." I'm already starting with the stupid jokes. Sometimes I sincerely embarrass myself.
He doesn't seem to mind, and wraps an arm around my shoulder. "So I get to meet your friends? And chat again?"
"This time we're really going to talk." I can't help but notice that he looks incredibly different in the casual setting of the Four Doors. His dark clothes much more conservative. Hole-less jeans, white shirt and leather jacket. I don't think I've seen him wear sleeves before. Even his dark hair seems more subdued with subtle highlights. I guess there might be more to Justin Vaughn-Goh than the sex appeal and the flirting.
"Sounds good to me." He smiles so easily, then glances further inside as if to guess who my friends might be. Can I say anything wrong? But it's all so new. I've never taken him seriously before.
He's holding the back of my shirt almost possessively as I introduce him to the table. Maybe he's nervous. But introductions go over rather well.
"Vaughn-Goh?" Duo doesn't let it go by without comment, "Well, Justin, I must say you've turned out very well-adjusted with that surname. I'm Duo Maxwell, Keisuke's old buddy. Oldest except for Sorata, of course. I'm not sure if he'll be here or not. We were the terror-trio in high school."
"I can't imagine that." Goh relaxes into my shoulder. He must be letting some of that buried anxiety loose. I make Hayate scoot over and Goh slides in next to me. I find it funny to be the more confident one, but these are my friends I suppose.
"You don't play pool do you?" Dorothy asks, smiling in a way to put Goh at ease. It's not very Dorothy like, so I watch her warily. She's sizing him up. Good grief, this is almost as bad as if I'd taken him home to Mom.
I'd planned out my introduction to the idea a few years ago when I thought I might someday have to explain Sorata to her. It went something like this, "Mom, you like guys. And so does Miaka. All I can say is that you both must be rubbing off on me as well." Not that I'd had an opportunity to try it out.
"Why?" The texture of Goh's voice detecting the sugar-coated challenge and responding in kind, "Are you looking for a challenge?"
Dorothy raises her eyebrow, "I'd like to play a game, yes."
And before I know it, the cocky and confident boy from Transylvanian Concubine is back. Dorothy pushes Duo out of her way and the seat next to me is empty again as they make their way over to the table past the booths of older folks wearing cowboy boots. The two of them sophisticated and suddenly too comfortable with each other.
As they had passed me, I heard Dorothy say more quietly, "I remember you . . ." But of course, I could hear nothing more since they'd gone far enough away. And because I'm suddenly accosted by both Duo and Hayate.
"Where the heck did you find him, Keisuke?" Duo ogles in amazement, "I thought you might be rebounding . . . uh, catching someone on the rebound and . . . heck. Even I can see what's attractive about that guy."
"That's who helped me home last night?" Hayate muses more solemnly, "I'm surprised you didn't keep him last night."
"Knock it off," I blush furiously, "I'm not like that." I should have expected this.
"You're not, but what if he is?" Duo jokes heavily, "Watch yourself, pal."
"I do." I protest.
"He looks kind of familiar." Hayate rubs his chin, his eyes alert. Quite unlike last night. "He isn't that same guy from that club as before, is he?"
"Club?" Duo spews his drink back into the glass, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "You've gone clubbing for *guys*?"
"Why are you saying 'guys' like that?" I defend myself weakly, trying to change the subject, "I like girls too . . . oh please, give me a break."
Duo watches me sternly for a moment, then relaxes his shoulders and smiles more amiably, "Sorry, Keisuke. We'll back off a bit. Today. But if you plan on seeing this guy again, I can't promise we'll go easy on you in the future."
I know that he doesn't mean that as a threat, but I worry nonetheless. Then Duo's suddenly surprised by a frothy drink set in front of him. Imari tips her head and says, "It's from the lady."
Duo's eyes widen and he jerks his head up to see that the red-headed woman is indeed watching his reaction. As the prowling grin crosses his typically less focused features, I wonder why everyone is giving *me* a hard time.
***
Come on along
and together we'll go,
please love me
and say that you'll be mine.
Why must I sail my ship alone
without a friend?
***
Duo disappears, heads close with the red-headed woman who apparently is as much a prowler as Duo can be. She listens with her slim arms propped against the table, index fingers tapping each opposite elbow. A sign that she's dissecting every flirtatious thing he's saying and pulling the truth from it. Deciding if he's worth her time. Oblivious, Duo chatters endlessly. We'll be lucky to see him again.
But at least that keeps him away from the jukebox.
Hayate and I are thinking about scaring everyone with something that wasn't country, but just then I see Himeno peeking around the corner of the front door. She spots me and waves her hand in enthusiastic greeting. "Hey, gorgeous!" She mimics our circle's classic greeting, hollering it across the bar and then turning bright red when everyone in the place pauses to stare at her. Wondering who she was waving at.
I can feel the tension resonating from Hayate, but he's laughing under his breath. Himeno really can do no wrong in his book. He's so forgiving.
But that forgiveness hasn't really been tested.
And as she holds the door open for Sasame, I know that it's going to be a pretty rough evening.
"Keisuke." Sasame nods his head to me, still standing as Himeno slips across from us in the booth. She eyeballs the drink that Duo abandoned, but we all know that she won't touch it. It's amusing to see her tempted though.
"Hi, Sasame." I'm impressed at how friendly I sound, even while I'm trying to plot out some interference in my head. Maybe if I can get him away for a moment, that'd leave Himeno with my pathetic roommate. "I've brought a friend tonight. I wanted everyone to meet him."
"A friend?" Himeno perks up, she has such a cute attentiveness.
"A boyfriend," Hayate corrects. His face looks pained, part chagrined and part constipated. One of these days, he's really going to have to learn to cope better. Or at least hide some of those inner emotions.
"A boy friend?" Himeno tilts her head puzzled. Oh God, I'm going to have to explain to her . . . unless she picks up fast enough. Sasame is waiting to hear more from me as well.
"Not really. He's just a friend. Right now." I hope they get my drift.
"O-okay." Himeno's eyes are crossing over her nose, that happens when she's thinking about something and it's not quite coming together. Then there are too many conversations starting at once.
Imari, appearing as if from no where, is asking Himeno if she'd like a flavored coke, Sasame asks for a list of the finer beverages, Hayate's saying something about boyfriend in the gay way, I'm denying the extent of his meaning. Just as suddenly, no one's talking. Himeno nods, and Sasame speaks next, "So where is this fellow?"
"Flavored coke and the list." Imari spins on her heel, letting her hair flip out. I watch and just beyond her I see Goh watching with an inquisitive attentiveness.
Mission accomplished. "Come with me," I direct Sasame to follow me. Hoping Hayate picks up and keeps Himeno with him. The settling feeling of satisfaction replaces the flood of frustration over my own insecurities about Goh. But the balance I want of distance and attention won't happen with this bunch of nosy folk. God knows I fit right in with them for that matter.
"Hey, gorgeous," Goh says so that I'm pretty much the only person to hear him. Now that that particular line has lost all substance whatsoever since Himeno walked in. I sigh heavily, and standing beside Goh, point.
"This is Justin Vaugh-Goh. Right now we are friends."
Sasame greets Goh beautifully, shaking his hand. Goh shuffling the pool stick from one side to the other. Instantly chatting, finding that they have similar taste in vintage wine. Sasame inviting Goh to his wine tasting evenings on Thursdays.
Meanwhile, Dorothy spears me with a knowing glance. She obviously remembers the new face from TC the night she took me there. While Goh and Sasame realize that they both had been in Paris the same summer, Dorothy slides next to me to say, "He's a good pool player."
"I'm glad you approve." Realizing that Dorothy's approval means more than anyone else's. Anyone else at the Four Doors that night anyway.
"He means well, that much is sure." She continues, speaking distantly. As if more to herself and she is simply letting me listen in. She brushes her thin blonde hair back into a low pony tail and fixes it there. "As always, there is more to him than meets the eye. But we could say the same about Keisuke." A chilly feeling settles through my skull, down between my shoulders and out my arms in a tremble. I keep myself from asking her to stop. It's not easy having someone scrutinizing your own behavior, though.
Goh laughs, obviously quite amused by the monotone humor most people neglect to recognize in Sasame. But the wit doesn't cause me to pause, as much as hearing the response. For just a moment, it is as if I'd heard Sorata laughing.
I feel very heavy, my hands pulling down on my arms as if someone tied weights to them. My feet cementing to the floor.
"Do you think this is such a good idea?" She turns to look at me, "He doesn't deserve being used as a stand in."
"I'd never . . ." But I don't finish the thought, because I don't want to know if it's true. I can't deny the uncanny similarities. When Goh drops the Transylvanian Concubine atmosphere, he does look, act, seem so much like . . . Sorata. I shake my head, they're not the same. "I'm not."
She takes the vehement reply as truth, and I'm quite frankly surprised to have fooled her so easily. "Okay," she whispers in a sisterly fashion, tapping me with her stick, "Then be happy this time. If he can accept all your stupid habits, you shouldn't have any problem accepting his." Then she adds, "When are you going to tell Sorata?"
"Tell?" My smile waning. Good grief, does everything have to be so complicated. Can't I just be happy?
"Well, it's not going to be easy for him to share you. You know."
I'm sure Dorothy doesn't know what she's talking about. Share? That's what I'm doing.
***
My thoughts are on you,
I dare not ask again.
Go my way,
it's the only way to go,
if things aren't working out
you'll be the first to know.
***
Sasame and I watch as the other two finish up their game. Now and again, I glance over at the table where Hayate's leaning back, one fist on the table. Together, but at a strange angle. Well, at least they're getting some time. Himeno spends most of her time nursing that coke. Working her adorably child-like cheeks around the straw. At least, I hope they're talking. Sasame watches them too, but with a warmness quite unlike my motherly nervousness.
Then again, he might just be appreciating how charming Himeno looks in her mismatched outfit that makes her peculiar hair even more striking.
Himeno might be a bit oblivious, but she does seem oddly attached to both Hayate and Sasame.
I'm too curious, I can't help but ask, "How did you meet?"
"Himeno?" Sasame says needlessly, we understand each other, "Honestly, I met her through Hayate. He was working for her father, and unlike Hayate, I got along with Himeno right away."
"They weren't friends?" That's something new to me.
"Not at all." Sasame shakes his head, "Hardly a day went by that they weren't at each other's throats. I'm surprised they can manage to sit together so civilly."
"Maybe you were wrong." My voice suggestive. Hayate loves Himeno, I can't imagine him being cruel to her in any fashion.
"I lost track of her when Hayate left the gallery. I didn't have much of an excuse to see her, except if she invited me to a show." Sasame pauses to congratulate Goh on an unlikely shot. Goh of course flashes that cheerful smile back to us and winks at me. "I couldn't believe my luck at finding her here. It's been . . . wonderful . . . to catch up with her again."
That's not good news.
And I don't like the scowl Hayate has when he walks up to me just then. "I'm . . . leaving." Hayate doesn't look anywhere else. "I'll see you . . . later."
"Uh, wait." I glance around, Sasame seems ambivalent. Interesting that such a friendly guy has nothing much to say to Hayate of all people. Goh questions me with a concerned lift to his brows, I wave him to stay and follow Hayate myself. "Where are you going?"
"Out."
"Out?" I laugh, desperately, "We are out. What happened?"
He spins toward me and I can't help but cower a bit. When Hayate's this angry, I really don't want to tempt him to hit me again. "I'm fine. As fine as I can be." He expels all the air from his lungs and shakes his head, looking at the floor, hiding behind that hair again. "She said she doesn't need me."
"What?" Perplexed, I can't help but laugh at that. "What would make her say something like that?"
"It doesn't matter." Hayate grumbles.
"Like hell," I'm frustrated now. Nothing is making any sense. "What did you do?"
He stares at me with no remorse in his eyes. And more than a little anger.
"You aren't acting like yourself." I frown, "Maybe I should go home with you?"
"I don't need a babysitter, Keisuke. Go back to your new boy toy and I'll see you some other time."
"Some other time?" I stammer, beginning to lose my own cool. Ignoring the insults the best I could; although, I'd much rather give him a piece of my mind. I can feel more than a few interested watchers. Glancing quickly, even Dou's sitting sideways in his chair as if making up his mind to intervene. Let him. Maybe I need some help. But he doesn't come.
"Is everything okay here?" I feel Goh's fingers curl around a piece of my shirt in the back. A most unexpected feeling of support.
And those words were not the most friendly, Hayate notices. After giving Goh an indescribable appraisal, Hayate turns back to me. "I'll be fine. You have fun. We can talk later."
"Straight home." Goh advises from my side. I'm crossing my arms while I nod.
"Just like parents . . ." Hayate scoffs, but with less anger than before. "Fine." He turns, opening the front door and leaving quickly. I can hear the violent growl of his motorcycle almost immediately.
"Well . . ." I don't know what to say. "Thanks."
"You're not trying to fix all of his problems are you?" Goh asks, almost, but not quite, loosening his hold on my shirt.
"He does live with me." I'm not quite sure why I try either, "I like him. I want him to be happy, but maybe he needs to look somewhere else."
"Are you taking your own advise?"
When I look at him, I don't see the smile I'm used to. Instead, he seems a bit worried. "Hey, this is me." I need him to laugh. I need someone to cheer me up. "I'm always happy."
"Right." Goh circles me with one arm, "Sure you are. I like your friends. Dorothy is one classy dame." Then he leans in closer, "But how much longer are we staying here?"
"I have to work tomorrow."
"So do I." Goh pushes me away for a moment, smiling. "Fine, fine. Do you eat lunch tomorrow?"
"What kind of question is that?" I chuckle, "Yes."
"Alright then," Goh and I have reached the booth where Sasame and Himeno are chatting. They look up a moment, but seeing we're distracted, they wait. Goh scribbles something on the back of a Four Doors' coaster and hands it too me. "Address. Come whenever . . . whenever your lunch is."
I reply, perplexed somewhat, "Okay."
"Is he okay?" Himeno interrupts suddenly.
I'm not sure how to answer that. I'm not sure what Hayate said to her, or why she said what she did. "He just went home." I say vaguely.
"Hayate'll never change." Sasame replies, equally vague.
Just then, Dorothy interrupts. "Did Hayate go home? And where did Duo go off to?" The table with the attractive woman Duo had fixated on for the evening is empty.
"Looks like someone got lucky." Goh whistles, hooking his finger through the side belt-loop of my jeans.
"He just might have." I'm equally surprised.
In such a short time, our close knit friends are stepping out of their places. Duo's actually getting the girls he likes. Himeno is causing the largest fuss, but only since Sasame showed up. I'd seen Sylvia for the first time in years. The one that unsettles the most still is that Sorata's gone so much. And then, Dorothy lost her first pool game to Goh.
I oddly don't mind the way he likes me, but I'm not sure I'm ready. Or maybe I am.
Everyone starts making their own excuses to leave. Quite a bit of conflict, and the week is just beginning. I can't wait to see what trouble the weekend staff caused for the store.
Goh catches me alone by my car and kisses my cheek fleetingly. "Good night, Keisuke." He hovers a moment then adds, "I like your friends. Although, I don't think I've seen the better sides of your roommate yet."
I guffaw, "Ah . . . no. No, you haven't."
"Dorothy invited me to go dance with her a while at Transylvania." He's seeking my permission, "Do you mind?"
"Mind?" How he baffles me, "No, go right ahead. Dorothy only picks good dancers, by the way."
"Hmm." Goh purses his lips, becoming cocky. "I wondered why."
I'm still remembering how reliable Goh tries to be as I wander around the dark apartment and kick the coffee table in the dark. Cursing to myself, I find the light and glancing at the clock decide that I could spare a few hours of sleep to make sure Hayate's cooled down. Perhaps get the whole story about Himeno's rejection.
He doesn't answer when knock. Agitated, I open his door anyway, "Hayate? Are you still brooding?"
He's not there. A quick glance out the window confirms that his bike is gone as well. I hadn't noticed. If Hayate had come home, he didn't stay.
I doze fitfully. Alternating from imagining where the heck Hayate could have crawled off to. To wondering when, if ever, I'd hear from Sorata again. And denying quite religiously that Sorata and Goh would have anything in common. It's just not possible.
***
Author's Notes: Golly, I think this is the first time I've really had other people reading my story while I'm writing it. Thank you for the feedback, I'm becoming quite addicted to your support.
Kiena, I'm so glad you stuck with Half Baked and gave it a chance even though I tend to cripple my longer stories with lyrics. *chuckle* I'll continue to separate them from my own text, and if I have a few moments free from my intrinsic laziness I'll polish up the first chapters. *blush* I like mingling anime characters, so I'm glad they're working well together so far. Thanks.
Kay, I'm glad you think Goh is splendid! I've evangelized another individual to watch Pretear! I must admit, Goh never got too attached to anyone in the series. But with his cute outfits, I knew he had to have a sexy side buried in him somewhere (some manga art convinced me of that). I'm taking a few liberties with him, but I'm trying to keep them all relatively in character.
Rachel, I'm fitting more Sasame in there for you-see! See! *whew* Thanks for the suggestions, it's nice to see that you're able to sense where I'm going with things. It's nice to know that I'm not far off base with my readers. Thanks for not letting me get distracted or lazy.
Alithea, thanks for reading everything that I write. *grin* You're very encouraging, and by the way. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
More to come. I'm still managing about a week between chapters. Goh has some history that'll bubble up eventually. Arashi's still waiting to make her appearance. Duo's going to be distracted for a while, but should make time to play his sax. And I'm sure Hayate's getting into trouble.
Thanks for reading.
(Disclaimer: I suppose I should officially admit that I'm just borrowing the characters. And the lyrics. This time brought about by Gordon Lightfoot's "Go My Way." I'm not usually such a fan of mellow music, but Keisuke seems inspired by it. *shrugs* Enjoy! Oh, yes-more author's notes at the end.)
***
Go my way
and your dreams will all come true
Go my way
and I'll be good to you.
In the sunset the wild waves are calling,
my shadow is following you.
***
I'm reaching a point where I wonder how much I should be confessing, admitting, owning up to . . . and how much God really knows already. Upon occasion, I think He's really the one who is bound and determined to make things complicated for me. Saying things like, "Hmm, Keisuke's been a good boy. Let's see how much trouble he can handle and still maintain that integrity of his."
I shake my fist toward the sky and think loudly, "I'm on to you God! You knew this was going to happen all along." However, that's as far as it goes. I tend to get a little glassy eyed whenever my thoughts try to circle around the concept of predestination.
Trouble is, somehow, between her secret cigarette addiction and her fear of men, my mother raised me in such a way that I want to be a decent person. I like being nice. And, darn it all, I like God. He's not so bad.
If I think back to last night, I do wonder why the Transylvanian Concubine's most eligible bachelor bothered to help me out. Maybe that's something I should confess. Confess that I was just a bit too sober when we shut my drunk-out-of-his-mind roommate into his room. Confess that our promised chat never happened, since we were a bit distracted by some, well, more personal exploring. Confess that our stupid couch just isn't big enough for said exploring. Confess that it was with great, great reluctance that I let him leave and went back to my room.
Now, I'm sure God knows about all of that. I wonder if anyone else here, besides Him, suspects what Keisuke Yuuki does in his free time. I wonder if anyone else here bothers to think about his or her life like this, in so much-hesitating-detail. I'm afraid to ask. I might come to church, but there is no way you'll find me in that revealing booth sharing this with a priest.
Confessing that while I like Goh alright. While I like the attention. The affection.
Confess that I feel awful guilty. Guilty when I fell into my own bed, pulling off my rumpled clothes. Guilty as it had been Goh who tangled his fingers in my hair. Not that I had minded.
Guilty that as much as I like this guy. As much as he surprises me with his attention. Something in me can't let go.
I feel around for my wallet. Aw, heck. Why turn down something that might be wonderful? Goh might be the exact way I can shake off my trouble with Sorata. He did turn up just in time, after all. Maybe that's the universe's way of apologizing.
On the other hand, it might get me into even more trouble.
But there's really no way to know until you try it out. I flip through the receipts, absent of anything substantiating true monetary value. The incense makes me lightheaded for a moment. I'm sitting just a bit too close today. A bit too close so that like the front row of the movie theater, I can't take in the whole picture.
There it is. Well, it can't hurt. After all, I essentially had permission, since he had given me his phone number.
***
Go my way
and I'll take you by the hand,
believe in me
and I'll do the best I can.
I can't be anything but just what I am,
I can't help it if I'm in love with you.
****
"So how serious are you guys?"
Crap, I thought I had prepared myself for this. But Duo's toothy grin and I'm-not-so-innocent-you-can't-fool-me stare catches me off guard. I'm hovering by the entryway to Four Doors, meaning to hide in the shadows of the dark wood walls and doors.
No such luck. News that Keisuke had invited an outsider. A friend. A perhaps-more-than-friend had been the only conversation so far. Dorothy and Hayate are speculating about it at the table. Hayate really is no help, because he can't remember anything from last night. And vowing up and down that he'll swear off drinking forever. Boy just can't handle his alcohol. Truthfully, I do prefer he leave it alone. He's not a very mobile drunk and it took two of us to get him up the stairs to the apartment. Goh pulling up on one leg while I shouldered most all of Hayate's weight as he shifted.
Not fun.
"Serious?" I react quickly enough, laughing, "Hey man, this is Keisuke Yuuki you're talking about here. Absolutely, one hundred percent *not* serious." I glare at him with mock-suspicion, "And how serious are you about what's her face?"
"Who?" Duo feigns innocence, "I haven't even started hitting on girls tonight. Too early."
"Early is right." I press, "Why are you here so early?"
"Well, Hayate told us you'd found somebody," Duo shrugs, "And we didn't want to miss it."
"My gosh, you're actually answering all of my questions." I tease, poking him in the shoulder, trying to urge him back toward the others so I can wait in peace.
He wiggles his eyebrows. Something that annoys Dorothy, makes other girls giggle, and is so much the jolly kid I grew up with. "And I expect you to answer all of mine." A strange determination falling on the muscles around his mouth, "Are you serious about this guy?"
"As serious as I can be." I still don't like that question, "How am I supposed to know yet?"
"I'm just checking," Duo continues with the serious tone, "I mean, you find this guy. And Sorata . . . well. It's all happening so quickly. I'm just trying to watch out for you guys." Then feeling the cloud of frustration growning between us, he slaps my arm, "Or maybe I'm just jealous."
"Oh yes," I roll my eyes toward the ceiling, "And you are just destined to stay single forever."
In another cosmic joke, just then, a pretty gal with reddish-brown hair opens the door, gives a gorgeous smile and slips past us. Duo's eyes suddenly glued on her. Without looking back, he comments, "Okay. Maybe single forever, but not if I can get her phone number." He shakes his head in amazement, "Wow."
"Down boy." I warn, with little hope.
"She's new." He's talking to himself now.
Dou's hopeless. But I take my chance, "Go get her."
"Mission accepted." Immediately, he adopts that self-confident walk that we're all so jealous of. I watch him sit down with Hayate and Dorothy again, but taking the seat that best faces the woman that just came in. When Imari appears, Duo pulls down on her elbow. Obviously beginning his conspiracy for the evening.
"You called?"
While I was distracted, Goh slips up next to me and whispers in my ear. He has such a nice voice. But it's a bit startling to hear his attentiveness in the Four Doors, where I'm just plain and simple me. The place where I'm not the mysterious new guy who watches from the balcony corner. "Called? Hmm? Yeah, that was me." I'm already starting with the stupid jokes. Sometimes I sincerely embarrass myself.
He doesn't seem to mind, and wraps an arm around my shoulder. "So I get to meet your friends? And chat again?"
"This time we're really going to talk." I can't help but notice that he looks incredibly different in the casual setting of the Four Doors. His dark clothes much more conservative. Hole-less jeans, white shirt and leather jacket. I don't think I've seen him wear sleeves before. Even his dark hair seems more subdued with subtle highlights. I guess there might be more to Justin Vaughn-Goh than the sex appeal and the flirting.
"Sounds good to me." He smiles so easily, then glances further inside as if to guess who my friends might be. Can I say anything wrong? But it's all so new. I've never taken him seriously before.
He's holding the back of my shirt almost possessively as I introduce him to the table. Maybe he's nervous. But introductions go over rather well.
"Vaughn-Goh?" Duo doesn't let it go by without comment, "Well, Justin, I must say you've turned out very well-adjusted with that surname. I'm Duo Maxwell, Keisuke's old buddy. Oldest except for Sorata, of course. I'm not sure if he'll be here or not. We were the terror-trio in high school."
"I can't imagine that." Goh relaxes into my shoulder. He must be letting some of that buried anxiety loose. I make Hayate scoot over and Goh slides in next to me. I find it funny to be the more confident one, but these are my friends I suppose.
"You don't play pool do you?" Dorothy asks, smiling in a way to put Goh at ease. It's not very Dorothy like, so I watch her warily. She's sizing him up. Good grief, this is almost as bad as if I'd taken him home to Mom.
I'd planned out my introduction to the idea a few years ago when I thought I might someday have to explain Sorata to her. It went something like this, "Mom, you like guys. And so does Miaka. All I can say is that you both must be rubbing off on me as well." Not that I'd had an opportunity to try it out.
"Why?" The texture of Goh's voice detecting the sugar-coated challenge and responding in kind, "Are you looking for a challenge?"
Dorothy raises her eyebrow, "I'd like to play a game, yes."
And before I know it, the cocky and confident boy from Transylvanian Concubine is back. Dorothy pushes Duo out of her way and the seat next to me is empty again as they make their way over to the table past the booths of older folks wearing cowboy boots. The two of them sophisticated and suddenly too comfortable with each other.
As they had passed me, I heard Dorothy say more quietly, "I remember you . . ." But of course, I could hear nothing more since they'd gone far enough away. And because I'm suddenly accosted by both Duo and Hayate.
"Where the heck did you find him, Keisuke?" Duo ogles in amazement, "I thought you might be rebounding . . . uh, catching someone on the rebound and . . . heck. Even I can see what's attractive about that guy."
"That's who helped me home last night?" Hayate muses more solemnly, "I'm surprised you didn't keep him last night."
"Knock it off," I blush furiously, "I'm not like that." I should have expected this.
"You're not, but what if he is?" Duo jokes heavily, "Watch yourself, pal."
"I do." I protest.
"He looks kind of familiar." Hayate rubs his chin, his eyes alert. Quite unlike last night. "He isn't that same guy from that club as before, is he?"
"Club?" Duo spews his drink back into the glass, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "You've gone clubbing for *guys*?"
"Why are you saying 'guys' like that?" I defend myself weakly, trying to change the subject, "I like girls too . . . oh please, give me a break."
Duo watches me sternly for a moment, then relaxes his shoulders and smiles more amiably, "Sorry, Keisuke. We'll back off a bit. Today. But if you plan on seeing this guy again, I can't promise we'll go easy on you in the future."
I know that he doesn't mean that as a threat, but I worry nonetheless. Then Duo's suddenly surprised by a frothy drink set in front of him. Imari tips her head and says, "It's from the lady."
Duo's eyes widen and he jerks his head up to see that the red-headed woman is indeed watching his reaction. As the prowling grin crosses his typically less focused features, I wonder why everyone is giving *me* a hard time.
***
Come on along
and together we'll go,
please love me
and say that you'll be mine.
Why must I sail my ship alone
without a friend?
***
Duo disappears, heads close with the red-headed woman who apparently is as much a prowler as Duo can be. She listens with her slim arms propped against the table, index fingers tapping each opposite elbow. A sign that she's dissecting every flirtatious thing he's saying and pulling the truth from it. Deciding if he's worth her time. Oblivious, Duo chatters endlessly. We'll be lucky to see him again.
But at least that keeps him away from the jukebox.
Hayate and I are thinking about scaring everyone with something that wasn't country, but just then I see Himeno peeking around the corner of the front door. She spots me and waves her hand in enthusiastic greeting. "Hey, gorgeous!" She mimics our circle's classic greeting, hollering it across the bar and then turning bright red when everyone in the place pauses to stare at her. Wondering who she was waving at.
I can feel the tension resonating from Hayate, but he's laughing under his breath. Himeno really can do no wrong in his book. He's so forgiving.
But that forgiveness hasn't really been tested.
And as she holds the door open for Sasame, I know that it's going to be a pretty rough evening.
"Keisuke." Sasame nods his head to me, still standing as Himeno slips across from us in the booth. She eyeballs the drink that Duo abandoned, but we all know that she won't touch it. It's amusing to see her tempted though.
"Hi, Sasame." I'm impressed at how friendly I sound, even while I'm trying to plot out some interference in my head. Maybe if I can get him away for a moment, that'd leave Himeno with my pathetic roommate. "I've brought a friend tonight. I wanted everyone to meet him."
"A friend?" Himeno perks up, she has such a cute attentiveness.
"A boyfriend," Hayate corrects. His face looks pained, part chagrined and part constipated. One of these days, he's really going to have to learn to cope better. Or at least hide some of those inner emotions.
"A boy friend?" Himeno tilts her head puzzled. Oh God, I'm going to have to explain to her . . . unless she picks up fast enough. Sasame is waiting to hear more from me as well.
"Not really. He's just a friend. Right now." I hope they get my drift.
"O-okay." Himeno's eyes are crossing over her nose, that happens when she's thinking about something and it's not quite coming together. Then there are too many conversations starting at once.
Imari, appearing as if from no where, is asking Himeno if she'd like a flavored coke, Sasame asks for a list of the finer beverages, Hayate's saying something about boyfriend in the gay way, I'm denying the extent of his meaning. Just as suddenly, no one's talking. Himeno nods, and Sasame speaks next, "So where is this fellow?"
"Flavored coke and the list." Imari spins on her heel, letting her hair flip out. I watch and just beyond her I see Goh watching with an inquisitive attentiveness.
Mission accomplished. "Come with me," I direct Sasame to follow me. Hoping Hayate picks up and keeps Himeno with him. The settling feeling of satisfaction replaces the flood of frustration over my own insecurities about Goh. But the balance I want of distance and attention won't happen with this bunch of nosy folk. God knows I fit right in with them for that matter.
"Hey, gorgeous," Goh says so that I'm pretty much the only person to hear him. Now that that particular line has lost all substance whatsoever since Himeno walked in. I sigh heavily, and standing beside Goh, point.
"This is Justin Vaugh-Goh. Right now we are friends."
Sasame greets Goh beautifully, shaking his hand. Goh shuffling the pool stick from one side to the other. Instantly chatting, finding that they have similar taste in vintage wine. Sasame inviting Goh to his wine tasting evenings on Thursdays.
Meanwhile, Dorothy spears me with a knowing glance. She obviously remembers the new face from TC the night she took me there. While Goh and Sasame realize that they both had been in Paris the same summer, Dorothy slides next to me to say, "He's a good pool player."
"I'm glad you approve." Realizing that Dorothy's approval means more than anyone else's. Anyone else at the Four Doors that night anyway.
"He means well, that much is sure." She continues, speaking distantly. As if more to herself and she is simply letting me listen in. She brushes her thin blonde hair back into a low pony tail and fixes it there. "As always, there is more to him than meets the eye. But we could say the same about Keisuke." A chilly feeling settles through my skull, down between my shoulders and out my arms in a tremble. I keep myself from asking her to stop. It's not easy having someone scrutinizing your own behavior, though.
Goh laughs, obviously quite amused by the monotone humor most people neglect to recognize in Sasame. But the wit doesn't cause me to pause, as much as hearing the response. For just a moment, it is as if I'd heard Sorata laughing.
I feel very heavy, my hands pulling down on my arms as if someone tied weights to them. My feet cementing to the floor.
"Do you think this is such a good idea?" She turns to look at me, "He doesn't deserve being used as a stand in."
"I'd never . . ." But I don't finish the thought, because I don't want to know if it's true. I can't deny the uncanny similarities. When Goh drops the Transylvanian Concubine atmosphere, he does look, act, seem so much like . . . Sorata. I shake my head, they're not the same. "I'm not."
She takes the vehement reply as truth, and I'm quite frankly surprised to have fooled her so easily. "Okay," she whispers in a sisterly fashion, tapping me with her stick, "Then be happy this time. If he can accept all your stupid habits, you shouldn't have any problem accepting his." Then she adds, "When are you going to tell Sorata?"
"Tell?" My smile waning. Good grief, does everything have to be so complicated. Can't I just be happy?
"Well, it's not going to be easy for him to share you. You know."
I'm sure Dorothy doesn't know what she's talking about. Share? That's what I'm doing.
***
My thoughts are on you,
I dare not ask again.
Go my way,
it's the only way to go,
if things aren't working out
you'll be the first to know.
***
Sasame and I watch as the other two finish up their game. Now and again, I glance over at the table where Hayate's leaning back, one fist on the table. Together, but at a strange angle. Well, at least they're getting some time. Himeno spends most of her time nursing that coke. Working her adorably child-like cheeks around the straw. At least, I hope they're talking. Sasame watches them too, but with a warmness quite unlike my motherly nervousness.
Then again, he might just be appreciating how charming Himeno looks in her mismatched outfit that makes her peculiar hair even more striking.
Himeno might be a bit oblivious, but she does seem oddly attached to both Hayate and Sasame.
I'm too curious, I can't help but ask, "How did you meet?"
"Himeno?" Sasame says needlessly, we understand each other, "Honestly, I met her through Hayate. He was working for her father, and unlike Hayate, I got along with Himeno right away."
"They weren't friends?" That's something new to me.
"Not at all." Sasame shakes his head, "Hardly a day went by that they weren't at each other's throats. I'm surprised they can manage to sit together so civilly."
"Maybe you were wrong." My voice suggestive. Hayate loves Himeno, I can't imagine him being cruel to her in any fashion.
"I lost track of her when Hayate left the gallery. I didn't have much of an excuse to see her, except if she invited me to a show." Sasame pauses to congratulate Goh on an unlikely shot. Goh of course flashes that cheerful smile back to us and winks at me. "I couldn't believe my luck at finding her here. It's been . . . wonderful . . . to catch up with her again."
That's not good news.
And I don't like the scowl Hayate has when he walks up to me just then. "I'm . . . leaving." Hayate doesn't look anywhere else. "I'll see you . . . later."
"Uh, wait." I glance around, Sasame seems ambivalent. Interesting that such a friendly guy has nothing much to say to Hayate of all people. Goh questions me with a concerned lift to his brows, I wave him to stay and follow Hayate myself. "Where are you going?"
"Out."
"Out?" I laugh, desperately, "We are out. What happened?"
He spins toward me and I can't help but cower a bit. When Hayate's this angry, I really don't want to tempt him to hit me again. "I'm fine. As fine as I can be." He expels all the air from his lungs and shakes his head, looking at the floor, hiding behind that hair again. "She said she doesn't need me."
"What?" Perplexed, I can't help but laugh at that. "What would make her say something like that?"
"It doesn't matter." Hayate grumbles.
"Like hell," I'm frustrated now. Nothing is making any sense. "What did you do?"
He stares at me with no remorse in his eyes. And more than a little anger.
"You aren't acting like yourself." I frown, "Maybe I should go home with you?"
"I don't need a babysitter, Keisuke. Go back to your new boy toy and I'll see you some other time."
"Some other time?" I stammer, beginning to lose my own cool. Ignoring the insults the best I could; although, I'd much rather give him a piece of my mind. I can feel more than a few interested watchers. Glancing quickly, even Dou's sitting sideways in his chair as if making up his mind to intervene. Let him. Maybe I need some help. But he doesn't come.
"Is everything okay here?" I feel Goh's fingers curl around a piece of my shirt in the back. A most unexpected feeling of support.
And those words were not the most friendly, Hayate notices. After giving Goh an indescribable appraisal, Hayate turns back to me. "I'll be fine. You have fun. We can talk later."
"Straight home." Goh advises from my side. I'm crossing my arms while I nod.
"Just like parents . . ." Hayate scoffs, but with less anger than before. "Fine." He turns, opening the front door and leaving quickly. I can hear the violent growl of his motorcycle almost immediately.
"Well . . ." I don't know what to say. "Thanks."
"You're not trying to fix all of his problems are you?" Goh asks, almost, but not quite, loosening his hold on my shirt.
"He does live with me." I'm not quite sure why I try either, "I like him. I want him to be happy, but maybe he needs to look somewhere else."
"Are you taking your own advise?"
When I look at him, I don't see the smile I'm used to. Instead, he seems a bit worried. "Hey, this is me." I need him to laugh. I need someone to cheer me up. "I'm always happy."
"Right." Goh circles me with one arm, "Sure you are. I like your friends. Dorothy is one classy dame." Then he leans in closer, "But how much longer are we staying here?"
"I have to work tomorrow."
"So do I." Goh pushes me away for a moment, smiling. "Fine, fine. Do you eat lunch tomorrow?"
"What kind of question is that?" I chuckle, "Yes."
"Alright then," Goh and I have reached the booth where Sasame and Himeno are chatting. They look up a moment, but seeing we're distracted, they wait. Goh scribbles something on the back of a Four Doors' coaster and hands it too me. "Address. Come whenever . . . whenever your lunch is."
I reply, perplexed somewhat, "Okay."
"Is he okay?" Himeno interrupts suddenly.
I'm not sure how to answer that. I'm not sure what Hayate said to her, or why she said what she did. "He just went home." I say vaguely.
"Hayate'll never change." Sasame replies, equally vague.
Just then, Dorothy interrupts. "Did Hayate go home? And where did Duo go off to?" The table with the attractive woman Duo had fixated on for the evening is empty.
"Looks like someone got lucky." Goh whistles, hooking his finger through the side belt-loop of my jeans.
"He just might have." I'm equally surprised.
In such a short time, our close knit friends are stepping out of their places. Duo's actually getting the girls he likes. Himeno is causing the largest fuss, but only since Sasame showed up. I'd seen Sylvia for the first time in years. The one that unsettles the most still is that Sorata's gone so much. And then, Dorothy lost her first pool game to Goh.
I oddly don't mind the way he likes me, but I'm not sure I'm ready. Or maybe I am.
Everyone starts making their own excuses to leave. Quite a bit of conflict, and the week is just beginning. I can't wait to see what trouble the weekend staff caused for the store.
Goh catches me alone by my car and kisses my cheek fleetingly. "Good night, Keisuke." He hovers a moment then adds, "I like your friends. Although, I don't think I've seen the better sides of your roommate yet."
I guffaw, "Ah . . . no. No, you haven't."
"Dorothy invited me to go dance with her a while at Transylvania." He's seeking my permission, "Do you mind?"
"Mind?" How he baffles me, "No, go right ahead. Dorothy only picks good dancers, by the way."
"Hmm." Goh purses his lips, becoming cocky. "I wondered why."
I'm still remembering how reliable Goh tries to be as I wander around the dark apartment and kick the coffee table in the dark. Cursing to myself, I find the light and glancing at the clock decide that I could spare a few hours of sleep to make sure Hayate's cooled down. Perhaps get the whole story about Himeno's rejection.
He doesn't answer when knock. Agitated, I open his door anyway, "Hayate? Are you still brooding?"
He's not there. A quick glance out the window confirms that his bike is gone as well. I hadn't noticed. If Hayate had come home, he didn't stay.
I doze fitfully. Alternating from imagining where the heck Hayate could have crawled off to. To wondering when, if ever, I'd hear from Sorata again. And denying quite religiously that Sorata and Goh would have anything in common. It's just not possible.
***
Author's Notes: Golly, I think this is the first time I've really had other people reading my story while I'm writing it. Thank you for the feedback, I'm becoming quite addicted to your support.
Kiena, I'm so glad you stuck with Half Baked and gave it a chance even though I tend to cripple my longer stories with lyrics. *chuckle* I'll continue to separate them from my own text, and if I have a few moments free from my intrinsic laziness I'll polish up the first chapters. *blush* I like mingling anime characters, so I'm glad they're working well together so far. Thanks.
Kay, I'm glad you think Goh is splendid! I've evangelized another individual to watch Pretear! I must admit, Goh never got too attached to anyone in the series. But with his cute outfits, I knew he had to have a sexy side buried in him somewhere (some manga art convinced me of that). I'm taking a few liberties with him, but I'm trying to keep them all relatively in character.
Rachel, I'm fitting more Sasame in there for you-see! See! *whew* Thanks for the suggestions, it's nice to see that you're able to sense where I'm going with things. It's nice to know that I'm not far off base with my readers. Thanks for not letting me get distracted or lazy.
Alithea, thanks for reading everything that I write. *grin* You're very encouraging, and by the way. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
More to come. I'm still managing about a week between chapters. Goh has some history that'll bubble up eventually. Arashi's still waiting to make her appearance. Duo's going to be distracted for a while, but should make time to play his sax. And I'm sure Hayate's getting into trouble.
Thanks for reading.