Metal Gear Solid: The Humorous Walkthrough.
By Tekkenicus

Disclaimer: Metal Gear Solid ain't my property, I have the game, but I don't own it, so to speak, and I didn't make it either- give that credit to Konami & Kojima-san.

Chapter 1: #Someone's in the Kitchen With Darpa, hanging out with Baker too#

(enter Solid, swimming in the icy cold waters, getting up on the stage, while Liquid is talking with the guards on the elevator)

Liquid: (camp accent) And then I said to Vulcan, 'why are you tearing that cannon from that plane? You'll never be able to carry it', but he could! I couldn't beliiiieeeve it! Oh, and *ahem* (back to his British accent) Stay alert, he'll come through here, I know it
Guard: Right boss!
Liquid: I going to swat down some bothersome flies.
Guard: De planes! De planes!
Liquid: Yes, Batoo, the planes!
Guard: Ah right boss!
(Liquid moves up in the elevator)

Snake: *thoughts: and he's the one responsible for all this?* *makes a Codec Call*
Snake: Hey, yo' Colonel, it's me.
Campbell: Finally, I've been waiting ages! We've only got 18 hours! Do you realise that?! Plus I got an engagement tomorrow with the Old Soldiers 70's Disco Dance tonight, and I'd like to go there without a taste of plutonium warhead in my face!
Snake: It's gonna be a lot longer if you keep yelling at me
Campbell: Fine, fine. Anyway, where are you?
Snake: I'm at the 'sneak point'
Campbell: …are you reading the scripts to the upcoming sequel?
Snake: er….no?
Campbell: Good, now, anyway up from there?
Snake: I think I see an elevator
Campbell: Well, take it up to the surface then! Oh, and, don't forget my frequency will you? (end call)

Snake: (getting up) Jeez, way to give me advice-hey! A ration's down there! *jumps into the water, and a few seconds later emerges back to where he was standing, using the underwater steps* much better. Now…where to? …oh, silly me (crawls under a tank, then stops) damn, a guard

Guard: *drinking coffee in large amounts* gotta keep awake *yawn* must keep awa-*slurp*-awake (turns around*
Snake: *slips past the guard* Hehehehe, sucker *splash* oh crap!
Guard: Huh? *walking towards Snake*
Snake: Uh-oh *dashes off behind the opposite tank*
Guard: *looking around* hmph, must be those darn hallucinations again, right Pinkie?
Snake: Phew! Now to-
Guard 2: #Don't tear my *yawn* heart, my achy breaky heart*
Snake: *hides around the side of the tank*
Guard 2: wonder what around- *yawn* here? …nothing? OK then- #don't tear my heart, my achy breaky heart#
Snake: -_- these guys must be sick! *crawls under pipe, walks quietly through puddle, and runs up beside the forklift truck* Now, to wait- *Codec rings* ok, what could this be?

Campbell: Oh, I forgot to tell you. The frequency is 140.85
Snake: I know, it's standing out on the Codec screen
Campbell: It is?
Naomi: Can I say something now?
Snake: Get back to your kitchen woman!
Naomi: Shut up!
Snake: I'm only kidding! Lighten up!
Naomi: >: (
Campbell: Anyway, just wait for that elevator- can't take forever to come down can it? (ends call)

Snake: Ok…..just have to wait…..patiently….like a snake towards its prey…(to Spiderman theme)#Solid Snake, Solid Snake, doesn't half like a piece of cake*
Guard 3: tum-te-tum, too-tee-too, dum-de-dum…
Snake: Uh-oh *hides on the north side of the forklift*
Guard 3: and now around
Snake: -_- *goes back to his previous spot to the side of the truck*
Guard 3: and nothing there either….good! *leans against the truck and takes out a dirty mag* hehehehehe
Snake: grrrr
Guard 3: Huh, what was-?
(loud siren blares out and patrol lights flash*
Guard 3: Oh shit! *shoves mag back inside his jacket and stands attentive*
Snake: Ah finally! The lift! *codec call* huh? *answers call*

Campbell: Snake, you're an American! It's an elevator! Ok? (end call)

Snake: …jerk
(guard leaves elevator)
Guard 4: ….ok, whose been reading dirty mags?
Guard (from the conversation with Liquid): I dunno boss!
Guard 1: Not me
Guard 2: No idea squire
Guard 3: *sweating* not me either sir!
Guard 4: *looking Guard 3 square in the eye* are you sure?
Guard 3: *sweating even more* Yes sir! Absolutely sure!
Snake: -_- *runs into the elevator*
Guard 4: what the-? WHO MADE THE ELEVATOR MOVE?
Guard: someone on da surface boss
Guard 4: Oh great!

Snake: now to remove this scuba gear *takes off his scuba gear while dancing, to some stripper music*

(at base HQ)
Naomi: ooh, juicy ^_^
Campbell: Hey! Let me see!
Naomi: Pipe down Colonel! - oh, he's stopped now
Campbell: grrrr!! And I wanted to see his hot bod too!

(back in the elevator)
Snake: there, finished. Now, what do I have? Scope, rations, cigs and no weapons- boy, aren't I equipped ready for this mission?
(elevator reaches the surface)
Snake: Finally! Way to waste another couple of hours off my limit! *dashes behind a container* Now to call Campbell….*codec call*

Snake: Yo' Colonel! I be in front o' da disposal facilitee!
Campbell: Yeah bitch! Age hasn't slowed you down one bit!
Snake: hey! I be as youn' n' happenin' as da next dawg!
Naomi: shut up Snake, you know nothing about Ebonics
Snake: and you do? English girl?
Naomi: ….just shut up.
Snake: *hears the sound of rotors* eh? *looks around and spots Liquid leaving in his Hind-D* Hey, dat be a Badass piece o' sheet dere man! Yo' Campbell! 'ow did dese guys get a Russhan ganship hyah?
Campbell: Dunno, and please, talk normally!
Snake: Ok, ok.
Campbell: Snake, ya gotta hurry! There's not much time!
Voice: (in kung-fu movie dubbing voice) Ha! He musta be crazy to fly in such wezza! Ha ha ha!
Snake: Who's that?
Campbell: Oh, forgot to introduce you two. This is Mei-Ling, she made the codec's and your radar system
Mei-Ling: *wiping mouth* Hello Massa Snake! It is such honour to be a-working with a you!
Snake: …
Mei-Ling: What is wrong Massa Snake?
Snake: Nothing, just didn't expect an inventor of such high-tech equipment to be so…dubbed
Mei-Ling: Ah, you be very insightful, and yet, you are just flattering me!
Snake: No, really, and you're pretty cute too- how about we shag when this is over?
Mei-Ling: I cannot believe I am being a propositioned by Massa Snake! Though, you are very frank for trained killer
Snake: I'm not Frank, I'm Da-
Campbell: Just tell him the frequency! My 'military leader' is getting lonely ;)
Mei-Ling: Ah fine, Massa Snake- don't forget my code, it is 140.96- call me to save progress and for insightful words that don't help but provoke thought
Snake: Don't worry, I'll remember it
Mei-Ling: Have I told you about Radar system?
Snake: That it jams in places of strong harmonic resonance, such as narrow spaces, and when seen by the enemy? Yeah, I got'cha
Campbell: Snake, I know you're pissed about your weapons being taken away and Naomi strip-searching you
Snake: Don't worry, I liked it…the strip-search anyway
Naomi: *sighs* wouldn't mind being strip-searched myself
Campbell: Well, anyway, if you find any weapons on that base, use them! Ammo must be littered all over the place!
Snake: I hope so
Campbell: Oh, and try to find a vent to climb into- since you can't go in through the front door. There should be two, one on the upper floor, and one on your level
Snake: I dunno, I could disguise myself as a soldier and take the front-
Campbell: YOU WILL TAKE THE AIR VENTS!
Snake: Ok, ok, I'll take the air vent!
Campbell: Good, cos I'm counting on you Snake! *end Codec call*

Snake: *muttering curses* Big shot Colonel telling me what to do, like to take him here and make him do all this work, lousy, lazy sonuva-Hello! There's a box of something in the middle of the helipad, with searchlights all around! Hmm, but when to grab it? …Ah, I know *dashes across to the left opening when the lights move, keeping to the left side, then looks on at the gap* now, wait until it's at its widest and….there! *runs across, grabs the box and runs out safely* No problem at all! Though what the hell are these? *gets his Codec* Ok, 1-4-1.5-2….*bleep bleep*

Nastasha: This is Nastasha Romanenko, a pleasure working with you
Snake: Stop smoking, it'll give you lung cancer *coughs loudly* damn, I need a cigarette
Nastasha: Uh-huh, anyway, *seductive voice* you can call me anytime ;)
Snake: …on wanting to know what weapons are which and for nuclear product moaning, right?
Nastasha: I'm sure you can make me moan ;)
Snake: Ok, that's twice that you've winked at me
Nastasha: Oh, I'm sorry.
Snake: Anyway, what are these 'Chaff Grenades'?
Nastasha: They disable electronic devices, like surveillance camera's and radars like yours
Snake: damn, that sucks!
Nastasha: Just use them, Ok?
Snake: OK *ends call*

Snake: Pfft! Useless piece of junk! *throws one into an opening with a surveillance camera and it explodes, confusing the camera* well, whadd'ya know? They are useful after all! *runs into the opening and picks up another box, then runs back out, towards the searchlights* ha! Easy pick-
Guard 5: (from the upstairs airvent) Hey! There's someone on the helipad!
Guard 6: *near the snow containers* there's a guy in the searchlights?!
Guard 7: zzzzzzz-hey! There's a guy on the helipad
Snake: Ah crap! *runs out from the searchlights*
Guard 5: I've lost him!
Guard 6: Huh?
Guard 7: damn, can't a guy get some sleep?
Guard 5: Get back to your patrol route before I cock-drop you!
Guard 7: *gets back on his patrol route*
Snake: Great, I have to deal with another guard…well, time for the arms to get into business *sneaks around the side of the helipad*
Guard 6: *still round the containers in the snow, writing his name in the snow* ah, what a relief! I needed that! Aaahhhhhhhh!
Snake: >_ *continues sneaking around the side*
Guard 7: I feel…so…schleepy *walking towards Snake*
Snake: Uh-oh *leaps into a nearby truck and hides behind a box* hey! A pistol! *codec call*

Nastasha: Yes! You got the Socom pistol! Harasho!
Snake: Harasho? Isn't that some kind of Russian soup?
Nastasha: No, it's just a word. Now, the Socom is a gun, which shoots bullets, you can also equip it with a suppressor, so it won't bang loudly a lot, ok?
Snake: If only other people were more considerate…
Campbell: I resent that! In fact, I'm helping Mei-Ling right now- she ran out of secret sauce for her Big Mac ;)
Snake: well, glad someone's getting something to eat! >: (
Naomi: But you have those 2 rations don't you?
Snake: But they won't go in my mouth! I reached for them and I can't move
Naomi: You be at full health so you can't use them
Snake: This is the last time I ever accept an injection of nanomachines from you!
Naomi: Like you'd have a second time!
Campbell: Shut up both of you! And get on with the mission already! (ends call)

Snake: Bunch of losers -_- *gets out of the van and walks towards the steps* whooaa! Surveillance cameras! damn evil sons of bitches! *leans against wall and underneath the camera* steady…steady…and…go! *runs up the stairs, right in front of Guard 5*
Guard 5: *_*! *flash*
Snake: O_o?
Guard 5: O_O!!!
Snake: Crap!
Guard 5: Hey yo! I found the guy! I've found-urk! *shot by Snake, wielding the Socom*
Snake: much better, now, where's that air vent?
Guard 6: *runs to the stairs, but bumps into Guard 7* Hey, get back to your post!
Guard 7: Hey! I heard Guard 5 first! YOU get back to your post!
Guard 6: But I got here first! So piss off!
Guard 7: Hey, you wanna take this outside?
Guard 6: We are outside asshair!
Snake: Hmph! *walks to the airvent, but then gets a codec call* Not another one!

Campbell: LIQUID SHOT DOWN THE PLANES! HE SHOT DOWN THE PLANES! AAAAGGGHHHH! *breaks down crying*
Snake: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER COLONEL!
Campbell: TOGETHER!? THE PLANES FELL APART! AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! *continues crying*
Snake: grrrr
Campbell: Oh *sniff* and Liquid sent us a message. He said if we do something like that again, we won't get a discount at the hair salon he's going to open after all this, and launch the nuke as well.
Snake: …o….k *ends call and crawls into the air vent*

*at Base HQ*
Campbell: Augh! THE PLANES! *crying*
Naomi: there, there *patting Campbell on the back*
Mei-Ling: There, there *also patting Campbell on the back*
Campbell: And there, and there! *pats both Naomi & Mei-Ling on the booty*
Naomi: O_O *slap*
Campbell: Ow!
Mei-Ling: *slap*
Campbell: Ow! Again!

*Meanwhile, in the air vent*
Snake: Ok, left-OW! Right-ah, here it is *keeps crawling* *codec call* grrrr!! Do they want this mission done or what?!

Snake: who the hell are you?!
Master: *in Liquid's voice* This is Mc-*ahem* *in Master Miller's voice* This is McDonell Miller Snake, y'know, your teacher from-ah, er, school!
Snake: My elementary school? Sir! I swear! It wasn't me who placed that smoke bomb inside your office sir! It was Eric! Honest!
Master: No, no Snake! From survival school! I quit being a drill instructor and retired to Alaska- though I still help the Alaskan scouts
Snake: Oh you! I remember you, my friend Benny had such a crush on you! Personally, I wouldn't mind being in a foxhole with you either ;)
Master: Oh, Snake, you charmer *giggle* Though still, ask me anything about the fauna & flora in Alaska and other survival techniques
Snake: …flora? Fauna?
Master: Plants and Animals
Snake: Oh, ok, call ya soon ;D
Master: Looking forward to it- the frequency is 141.80 *ends call*

Snake: *sighs* ^_^ *continues crawling…..and crawling…..and crawling…..and getting claustrophobic….and crawling…and crawling…then-*
Snake: Huh? What's going on here?
Guard 8: I moved the Darpa Chief to the first floor basement
Guard 9: Why? I was having fun with him! Pointing his card to the Level 1 doors
Guard 8: Exactly! Too much fun! Oh, and they've just opened the vent shafts for cleaning
Guard 9: Spraying for rats?
Guard 8: Yep, though I'd hate to think who'd get THAT job!
Guard 9: I know! Johnny Sasaki!
Guard 8+9: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Snake: Ok, first floor basement ventilation shaft *continues crawling*
Guard 9: Did you hear something?
Guard 8: Nope

Snake: *continues crawling, humming the tune to 'The Great Escape'* doo-doo-doo-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doo-de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-doo-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doo-de-doo-doodoo.
Guards In Tank Hangar: doo-doo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doo-de-doo-doo-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doo-de-doo-doodoo!
Snake: hmm….#always look on the bright side of life#
Guards: *whistle on cue*
Snake: #always look on the light side of life#
Guards: *whistle on cue*
Snake: Hehehehe…#tiddle-le-dum, tiddle-le-dee#
Guards: #Eric The Half A Bee!#
Snake: eh, enough fun now
Guards: #Girls just wanna have fuh-un! Yeah, girls just wanna have fuuun!#
Snake: …-_- #everybody dance now!#
Guards: *dance a la' the steel mill workers in the Simpson's episode 'Homer's Phobia'*
Snake: *continues crawling through the vents, and then suddenly drops down onto the upper platform of the tank hangar* *codec call*

Campbell: Snake, try to find another elevator so you can take it to the 1st floor basement…why can I hear music from your position?
Snake: I distracted the guards with some funky late 80's/early 90's disco-rap music
Campbell: Good job! Now hurry to the elevator! *ends call*
Snake: hmm, 'Stun Grenades'? heh, no need to call Nastasha to know what these do! *looks to his right* Hello Chaff Grenades! *grabs the Chaff grenades box* But how do I move? There's a surveillance cam- *looks at the camera, which is just focusing light onto a large mirrorball in the centre of the hanger* ah, no problem *runs under the camera, but causing the siren to sound anyway, but the guards ignore it*
Guards: Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh!
Guard 9: Funky siren beats!
Guard 8: Oh yeah!
Snake: *shrugs, runs to the open door, throws in a chaff grenade, waits for it to explode, then runs in, grabs the Thermal Goggles and runs out* Piece o'cake *continues running along the platform until-*
Guard 8: hey! You up there!
Snake: Oh crap! I'm done for!
Guard 8: Walk in rhythm! You're spoiling the tunes!
Snake: Oh, ok *walks in rhythm along the platform*
Guard 8: Much better!
Guard 9: Oh yeah!
Snake: *walks along up to the security camera and flattens back across wall, slowly moving under its blind spot, then as the camera turns away, runs down the stairs and hides behind one of the pillars holding up the upper platform* heh, good thing these Genome guards can't see past their blue cones! That, and they're still dancing!
*music suddenly stops*
Voice on Intercom: RETURN TO YOUR POSITIONS, AIIGHT! BOOYAKA, BOOYAKA!
Guard 8: Ah well, back to work
Guard 9: Yeah
Snake: Ah crap! *rushes underneath an M1 Tank and crawls up to the front of it*
Guard 8: *walks past*
Snake: *crawls out from under the tank, runs over to the elevator and hammers the button* C'mon! c'mon!
Elevator: *Ding!* *doors open*
Snake: *leaps in and presses the B1 button*
Guard 8: huh? HEY! THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE-
*elevator doors close and moves up*
Guard 9: Someone in the where?
Guard 8: Oh, forget it!

(up on the 1st floor basement)
Snake: Ah, easy! *codec call* oh great! Another call!

Mei-Ling: Massa Snake! You should look at radar, for it is picking up the Darpa Chief. Hurry and ressacue him!
Snake: Ok, oh, and, save my progress…please
Mei-Ling: You are polite Massa Snake, I will do so
Snake: Good girl *end call*

Snake: ah, there's the door *runs into it* OW! Damn door! Can't get in!
Johnny: Hey, shut up in there will ya?
Female Voice: I didn't make a sound you asshole!
Male Voice: No' me foo'!
Johnny: Oh, ok…
Female Voice: It came from the door
Snake: Uh-oh *runs down and hides around corner*
Johnny: Hmm, better che-*stomach gurgle* Urrgghhh! My stomach! Need bathroom! *sound of loud footsteps and door opening*
Snake: Phew! That was a close one!
Johnny: *horrible farting sounds* ooorrgghhh! *fart* uurrgghh *squeak* ehehehe *rasp* ehrrgh!
Snake: ew! >_ *looks around* hey, a ladder! *climbs up the ladder* Oh great! Another air vent! Well…guess this is the only route…though goddamn! It smells horrible *crawls into air vent* Eurgh! Smells even worse then foster father's old socks *spots an extra route* Hey, Socom ammo! *crawls through the route* oh god, this stinks like hell! What the hell is this route over?
Johnny: *schlurp* oh man, that was a stinker! *sniff* damn, think I'm getting a cold as well! I *fart* hate *bottom burp* Alaska *poot* Though that woman is built alright! Built like a brick-*furt*-house!…Oh crap! There's no toilet paper!
Snake: *shudders in disgust, grabs the Socom ammo and leaves as quickly as possible* back to the original route and crawls along it until he comes across 2 vents* Ok, now, which one of these could be the one with the chief? *looks down one*
Woman (Meryl): *doing something you'd find on those naughty adult channels* *gasping*
Snake: whoa O_O….erh, not him *crawls over to the other vent and spots the Darpa Chief, looking as if he's sitting peacefully on his bed…grunting?* here we go *opens up the vent*
Darpa Chief (D.C): *looks up* Oh crap! *zips up fly* wh-wh-who' dat?
Snake: *leaps down into the cell* Don't worry nigga', I here ta save yo' behind.
D.C: >: (
Snake: Erm…I didn't mean that in a racist way, honest!
D.C: Here ta save me huh? What's yo' outfit?
Snake: It's a special tight swimsuit, able to keep you warm in sub-zero waters. Currently in fashion with other scuba divers- though it doesn't work in sub-artic waters, for that you'd need an anti-freezing peptide…like I have- complete with nanomachines, Benzedrine and nootropics
D.C: Very nice suit, though yo' don't look like one o' dem Genome folk…in dat case *grabs Snake by the collar* HURRY UP AN' GEMME OUTTA HERE! YO' HONKEY TIGHT-SUIT!
Snake: Calm down, calm down, I just need to get some info from you first…
D.C: What like?
Snake: Like, do the terrorists have the ability to launch a nuke? Cos they're threatening the White House and all
D.C: Isn't everyone?
Snake: …true, true, but then, the President's too busy trying to kill Saddam Hussein then fix up the US anyway
D.C: Sweet Jesus!
Snake: Is it possible?
D.C: It's possible- and they're using a weapon we and Armstech were constructing here-a weapon of overwhelming power! A nuclear-equipped walking battle-tank!
Snake: Metal Gear?!
D.C: You knew? Metal Gear is one o' da most secret black projects! It's dat robot dat was gonna destroy America fo' Elijah Mohammed...so I've heard.
Snake: Well, I didn't know that, but I've had a couple of run-ins with it in the past.
D.C: It's equipped so it can fire a nuclear wa'head from anywhere on da face o' da Earth!
Snake: I know! I know all about what Metal Gear is! Apart from where it's at. Though, shouldn't it have safety measures?
D.C: Ah yeah, me an' Baker have som' passwords which can activate da' nuke, an' it can't be activated wi'out dem- but they foun' out mah password.
Snake: WHAT?!
D.C: Psycho Mantis can read people's minds, yo' can't resist! YOU CAN'T RESIST!
Snake: Now that be bad!
D.C: Only a matta' o' time befo' they get Baker's too
Johnny: *bangs on the cell door* Hey! Shut up in there will- *stomach gurgle*-urrrghhh! *runs back to the toilet*
Snake: *hiding away from the door* phew! Close one! Though since when did he leave the toilet?
D.C: I dunno, anyway, there's another safety measure- dere's an override system, using 3 card keys.
Snake: Oh? Do you have the keys?
D.C: No, Baker should hav' 'em on him though
Snake: Ah good…where's Baker?
D.C: In a place with a lot of electronic jamming, somewhere on the 2nd floor basement
Snake: 2nd floor basement?
D.C: Yeah, though they cemented over the entrances- they didn't paint them, so look fo' diff'rent coloured walls. Also, take this card, it should open up all Level 1 doors for you.
Snake: How?
D.C: Don't ask me! How should I know? It jus' makes them open fo' yo'
Snake: Ok, off we go- shall I give you a leg-up into the air vent?
D.C: No, wait- hav' yo' heard of any other way to disarm da wa'head?
Snake: Nope
D.C: Yo' sure? Not from yo' bosses o' anyone?
Snake: I said 'no'! you crazy Denzel Washington look-alike!
D.C: What 'bout da Pentagon bitch?
Snake: Pentagon? What's they gotta do with it?
D.C: You mean you don't kno-AAGHH! *clutching at his chest*
Meryl: *in her cell* Huh? What's going on? *banging on the door*
Snake: *gulps* er *impression of Johnny Sasaki* yo', shaddap in there will ya?
Meryl: Shouldn't you be on the toilet?
D.C: AAA-WHHYYYY???? UURRGGHH-OOORGGGHH-AAAGGHH-UGH! *falls to the ground, dead*
Snake: Oh crap! OhcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohCRAP!!!! *codec call*

Snake: NAOMI! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHIEF MAAN?!? HE JUST DIED IN FRONT OF ME!
Naomi: I dunno, it looks like an alien was trying to burst out of him, or a heart attack
Campbell: A heart attack? Bugger me!
Snake: You hiding something from me Colonel?
Campbell: No, I'm hiding nothing from you Snake! *sweating* besides, you have to have a lot of connections to see the complete file.
Snake: You want me to believe you're in charge, BUT YOU CAN'T GET THE WHOLE FILE?!
Campbell: I'm not in charge! I'm just your support! The Secretary of Defence is in charge!
Snake: Who?
Campbell: Just try to get out of there and find Baker! *end call*

Snake: Great! Trapped in a cell with a dead guy!
Johnny: ah! Finally got some toilet pap-ARGH!
*sounds of a scuffle outside*
Snake: Hmm? *tries to look outside but can't see anything* damn!
*cell doors suddenly open*
Snake: Hmm? *walks outside and finds Johnny, naked and bent over- with a *ahem* 'turtlehead'* OH GOD! I didn't wanna see that! Ew!
Soldier: (In female voice) DON'T MOVE! *looks into the cell* so you killed the Chief? You bastard! Thanks! I heard him grunting away ever since this morning!
*Snake turns around*
Soldier: LIQUID?! Hairdresser boy?…oh, wait, no, you're not
*Snake ducks low*
Soldier: I SAID DON'T MOVE! *hands shaking*
Snake: First time eh?
Soldier: I lost my virginity age's ag-
Snake: No, I meant first time you pointed a gun at a person, your hands are shaking
Soldier: *whimper*
Snake: *gets out his Level 1 card* can you sho-oh, wrong weapon *puts it away and takes out his Socom, pulling a statically connected sock off of it* can you shoot me rookie?
Soldier: Careful! I'm no rookie!
Snake: *Wolverine impression* Liar! That nervous glance, that scared look, shaky hands and wet patch on trousers- you're a definite rookie, that and you haven't taken off the safety catch on that Famas.
Soldier: I'M NOT A ROOKIE SWEAT STAIN! *looks towards the door* Open that door! You have a card don't you?
Snake: Why should I?
Soldier: So we can get the hell outta here, Whad'ya think?
*guards 10, 11 & 12 rush in*
Snake: Looks like we'll be delayed
Guard 12: What're you doing tonight Johnny? I got 2 tickets to the opera tomorrow night?
Snake: Don't say yes! Just shoot! *kills all 3 guards with his Socom-picking up discarded ammo from them* What are you waiting for?! SHOOT!!
Soldier: Don't talk to me like a rookie! You hurt my feelings *sniff*
Snake: I can comfort you later! JUST SHOOT!
Soldier: *looks at Snake and imagines him as her mother* Mother?
Mother: Just shoot Meryl! Shoot! Never had this problem with your brother's, they're so well behaved, and do very well in school- why can't you be more like them?
Soldier: GRRRAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! *shoots guards 13, 14 & 15, then reloads*
Snake: Much better!
Soldier: I love you Mom! ;_;
Snake: Huh? Shit! *more guards run in to get shot to pieces by Meryl & Snake- with Snake picking up the ammo as he goes along, but then, some balls are thrown into the room*
Soldier: what are these?
Snake: Oh crap! *hides to the side of the door*
*the balls- a.k.a, grenades, explode*
Soldier: OW! Dammit!
*more guards run in- number 22, 23 & 24 (guards 16, 17 & 18, 19, 20 & 21 were killed beforehand*
Guard 22: Time to die-urgh! *dead*
Guard 23: Literally in your-agh! *dead*
Guard 24: Sense-ooh! *dead*
Soldier: *walks to the open door, checks to see the coast is clear- which it is* Thanks for the help! *runs out*
Snake: *runs after her* WAIT! *thoughts: godamn, what a great ass* WHO ARE YOU?

*flashback*
Liquid: YOU FOOL! You killed him before I could finish his blow, dry & rinse!
Ocelot: I'm sorry sir.
Mantis: *in Darth Vader voice* The force was too strong in this one, I couldn't dive into his mind
Liquid: Now we'll never get the detonation code! Nor will he pride himself as being the hostage with the best hairstyle!
Mantis: Master, I have a cunning plan that might interest you
Ocelot: Please! You're useless! And that force thing! Pah-agh!-ack! *choking*
Mantis: I find your lack of faith disturbing, Ocelot
Liquid: Stop it Mantis!
Mantis: *stops choking Ocelot*
Ocelot: *coughs* urgh!
Liquid: What's the plan?
*end flashback*

Soldier: *runs into lift, turns around and shoots at Snake*
Snake: Ah crap! *leaps to the side of the door for cover* damn! How many times does she need to fire?
Soldier: *poses* YEAH! Nobody can stop me! *elevator doors close*
Snake: Damn! Who does she think she is? Jacky Bryant?
*Psycho Mantis appears in front of the elevator*
Snake: What the-?
Mantis: Good girl, the force is strong within her *disappears*
Snake: what the hell was that? *makes a Codec call*

Snake: Naomi, what's up with the nanomachines? I had a strange hallucination.
Naomi: The nanomachines are working perfectly- it must be psychometric interference from Psycho Mantis
Snake: Ah, so that was Mantis, next to the dude in the gas mask
Naomi: No, Mantis IS the dude in the gas mask
Snake: Then who's the giant green insect?
Naomi: Oh sorry, one of the nano's has malfunctioned *disables it*
Snake: Ah, much better *ends call* hmm, better save here too. *calls Mei-Ling*

Mei-Ling: Ah, Massa Snake, you want to save?
Snake: Duh! Of course!
Mei-Ling: Ok, oh, and, remember what the 12-year old Chinese prophet, Wai Tu Yung said, 'I wanna Furby for Christmas'- which means, don't be greedy for items or it'll be your downfall *ends call*

Snake: Gotta check on Master too *calls Master*

Master: (Liquid's voice) Oh Snake! *cough* (Master's voice) Snake! Are you ok?
Snake: Yeah, came through without a scratch.
Master: Good boy, looks like I taught you well
Snake: Indeed you did, remember at graduation where we-
Master: Erm, best not think about that right now- go find Baker quick!
Snake: Ok McDonell ;) *ends call*

Snake: Hmm, wonder if this card really works? *takes the card out and walks towards the door leading back to the cells. They open automatically and Snake walks in* cool ^_^ *walks back out* Now- 2nd floor basement *presses the button on the elevator*
Elevator: Ding! *doors open*
Snake: *walks in and presses the B2 button*
Johnny: Oh, my head- huh? Where did my clothes go?
*elevator doors close and take Snake to the 2nd floor basement*
Snake: Hmm, well, I'm here- though I wonder what these containers are? *runs down a passageway, then hears a click* Huh? Whoa! *jumps aside and looks down as a hidden trapdoor opens up* Phew! Close one! *walks in front of the containers* hey, C4 room *takes out his Level 1 card, enters the room and picks up the C4 crates* Nice one! Though, how to use them? *calls Nastasha*

Nastasha: Nuclear weapons suck ass, they're unfair and harm people really bad-
Snake: Hey, I didn't hear you to moan about that
Nastasha: Oh? Well, what do you want to know?
Snake: well, #heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyy, hey baby! HOO, HAA! I wanna knoooo-ohhhh-oh-oh-oh, what this C4 does#
Nastasha: The C4 is a plastic explosive device- you stick it up on the walls by walking in front of them and pressing Square, then, detonate with Circle, though make sure you're at a considerable distance first though, or you'll be blown up too.
Snake: Ah, I see….O_o *ends call*

Snake: Wonder how many containers this card works on *goes up to each container with the card* Ok, that's 3 that don't work, 2 that do, and one that's already open- and I find myself the proud owner of….8/12 grenades, 4/4 C4's and a fully-loaded Socom! *sniffs armpits* YUS! *spots an oddly coloured wall in the bottom left-hand corner* O_o? must be that cemented wall the Chief mentioned *sticks some C4 to it and walks back to a safe distance* 1-2-3-KABOOM! *wall blows up and reveals an entrance* Nice one! *walks through the entrance down a long corridor*

Snake: Sure is dark in here…aha! *spots another wall near the bottom right-hand corner * Another one *blows it up with the C4* another corridor -_- *walks to the end of the second corridor* hey! Two entrances cemented over! Hmm…well, when in Rome *sticks C4 to the wall right at the bottom of the corridor, and the one nearest to it, and blows them both in*
Snake: *looks around* Huh? Who's the old man strapped up? *walks in towards him* heeheehee, he looks like Winston Churchill! 'We shall fight in the hills, we shall fight in the valley's, we shall never surrender! Dig for victory!' *gives the 'V-for-Victory' sign*
Old Man: *groans*
Snake: hey, he's alive. Hmm…you must be President Baker! Don't worry, I'll get you out! *reaches towards the wire*
Baker: No! Don't touch it!
Snake: *looks around* Hey! More C4! *reaches for it, but then a shot is fired at his legs and he jumps back dramatically*
Ocelot: *in cowboy accent* Yeah boy! Touch that wyah, and da C4 will blow up a-long with the ol' man. Ah've been waiting fo' you…uh…
Snake: I'm Solid Snake, who the hell are you?
Ocelot: Sheriff of Tombstone, Arizona- I mean, Special Operations FOX-HOUND *spins his handgun around* Revolver Ocelot.
Snake: Ah, I heard of you, you're that Russian bloke who thinks he's a cowboy!
Ocelot: I AM A COWBOY! *spins his gun around and shows it to Snake* This is the greatest handgun ever made! *looks at it and realises he's holding a Super Soaker* Uh, erm *throws it away and takes out his handgun* THIS is the real greatest handgun ever made! The Colt Single Action Army! *loads his Colt* 6 bullets- more then enough to kill anything that moves!
Snake: Unless there's 10 moving things that you need to kill.
Ocelot: Shut up and draw!
Snake: *takes out his Socom*
Ocelot: *fires at Snake*
Snake: *leaps out of the way and shoots back at Ocelot*
Ocelot: Ha! #Missed me! Missed me! Now ya gotta kiss me!#
Snake: No chance in hell! *codec call* Oh great! Ocelot! Would you mind waiting a bit? Gotta take this call
Ocelot: Oh, no problem boy!
Snake: Thanks *takes the call*

Snake: COLONEL! Couldn't you have waited until after I've finished Ocelot?
Campbell: Sorry, but I had to call- gotta inform you on how to run after Ocelot and shoot at the same time
Snake: I know that- hold Square & X together, right?
Campbell: Yes, sorry for keeping you.
Snake: It's ok *ends call*

Ocelot: Can we start now?
Snake: Yeah! Let's go! *runs after Ocelot, with gun aimed*
Ocelot: *runs away from Snake, shooting all 6 bullets at him*
Snake: Whoa! *bends back and dodges the bullet's Matrix style*
Ocelot: Huh? The Matrix has got another year to be made yet! This is only 1998!
Snake: Whatever *shoots Ocelot*
Ocelot: Agh! *runs off to reload* Y'know, I love to reload during a battle, nothing like slamming a silver bullet into a well-greased chamber
Snake: Oh, don't I know it? ^_^ erm, *ahem* I mean, shut up you jerk!
Ocelot: Alright! I'm alive again! Let's go! *shoots at Snake*
Snake: Ow! *shoots Ocelot*
Ocelot: Ooh! *shoots back at Snake*
Snake: Agh! *eats a ration, then shoots back at Ocelot*
Ocelot: Ouch!
Baker: Is this going to go on any longer? I don't feel very well!
Snake: you're right, gotta end this quick! *unloads his bullets on Ocelot*
Ocelot: urgh-urgh-ARGH!
Snake: Yes! Killed him! Oh, sweet adrenaline rush! How I missed thee! *dances around like a nutter* #I killed someone! I killed someone!#
Ocelot: I ain't dead yet! You're pretty good for a man who shares the same code as the boss, though I'm just getting warmed up! Now die! *aims at Snake, but then feels a cold swish through his hand* what? AGH! MY HAND! *his hand falls to the ground, leaving his arm bleeding*
*mysterious swishing cuts all the wires and takes Baker down to safety- throwing Ocelot into the wall*
Ocelot: *spots a shimmering, that suddenly pops up into a bloke in a robotic suit* Therm-Optics! I mean-Stealth Camouflage! Can't you even die right?! *picks up his hand* You were lucky! We'll meet again! *runs off into the darkness*
Snake: *aims his Socom at the guy in the suit* who are you Ninja-boy? Ryu Hayabusa? Yoshimitsu? Kunimitsu? Daniel-san? Geki? Ibuki? Some bloke from Samurai Showdown in flashy gear?
Ninja: I'm like you, I have no name
Snake: Huh? I have a name! It's Dav-
Baker: urgh! That exoskeleton! It's all shiny and it's hurting my eyes.
Ninja: O_o?-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *heads shakes wildly* GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! *disappears*
Snake: well, bugger me senseless!
Baker: Hello? …I need some help!
Snake: *helps Baker up* can you walk?
Baker: With my cane, yes, but not very far…
Snake: Why's that?
Baker: That Ocelot-person broke my Zimmer frame
Snake: Do the terrorists have your code?
Baker: What? I'm a bit deaf…
Snake: ANSWER MY QUESTION! DO THE TERRORISTS HAVE YOUR CODE?
Baker: No! they don't have my comb! I don't have a comb! I'm bald! Can't you see that?
Snake: Agh! I mean, do they have your password?!
Baker: Yes, I'm afraid so
Snake: NICE GOING YOU OLD FART!!! NOW THEY HAVE BOTH CODES AND CAN TURN THIS EARTH INTO A SMOULDERING FIERY MESS THANKS TO YOU!!!!
Baker: It's not like I didn't fight! I resisted Mantis's mind probe.
Snake: How did you do that?
Baker: I thought about Jenny McCarthy naked whilst he was probing my mind.
Snake: Oh yeah, that would keep anyone occupied for sure. Did the Darpa chief do the same thing?
Baker: More or less, though I think he's more of a Halle Berry fan
Snake: But he said that Mantis got his password by reading his mind.
Baker: Hmm, guess it didn't work then.
Snake: But how did they get your password then?
Baker: Look at my arm! It's broken! That Ocelot freak tortured me!
Snake: I see, anyway, the terrorists have both codes and could launch anytime
Baker: Those boys are insane. They wouldn't hesitate to launch
Snake: Guess so, but anyway, do you have the card keys?
Baker: the what?
Snake: Card keys! Card keys! The Darpa Chief said you had them!
Baker: How is the Darpa Chief?
Snake: He's dead
Baker: *leaping up* WHAT?! THAT CAN'T BE! *starts thrashing Snake with his cane* THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU PROMISED JIM! NOW YOU WANNA SHUT ME UP?!
Snake: agh!-stop it!-ooh!-I told you-agh!-that I was-oof!-here to-ouch!-save you!
Baker: …*slumps back down*
Snake: *getting up* agh man! I didn't kill him! He had a kind of heart attack
Baker: Dumbass, that's stupid!
Snake: Anyway, the terrorists have both codes and can launch anytime.
Baker: Those boys are insane. They wouldn't hesitate to launch.
Snake: Guess so, but anyway, do you have the card keys?
Baker: the what?
Snake: Card keys! Card keys! The Darpa Chief said you had them!
Baker: …have you noticed that we've said the same things as earlier?
Snake: STOP SCREWING WITH ME! WHERE ARE THE CARD KEYS?!?!
Baker: I don't have them
Snake: WHAT?! WHO DOES?! NOT THE TERRORISTS!
Baker: No! a young female soldier- she was locked up with me, and I gave her the keys for safekeeping
Snake: Really?
Baker: …no, she stole them from he after some hot se-
Snake: -I get the picture!
Baker: I was in contact with her by Codec-I think she still has them, I hope she's ok- that way I could get some more nookie
Snake: I'm sure she's safe- she's green, but as tough as they come.
Baker: She wasn't green, she's white, with red hair- after all, no other race grows differently coloured hair naturally
Snake: That maybe true...probably, but I meant green as in 'inexperienced', 'rookie', 'beginner', 'novice', 'amateur', et cetera
Baker: Depends in what subject ;)
Snake: Oh God *face in palm* Do you have her code?
Baker: No, I forgot it cos I was busy watching you shoot at Ocelot
Snake: Damn!
Baker: Wait, it should be on the back of the CD case
Snake: Right, the CD case! *thoughts: senile old fart* Anyway, why were you making a nuclear weapon? I thought the nuclear age ended at the turn of the Millennium
Baker: Please! It's bigger then it's ever been! Have you ever seen a warehouse full of nuclear material?
Snake: …no, they never had that ride at Disneyland.
Baker: There's drums and drums of nuclear waste, stacked this high, cos there's no real way to get rid of the stuff- not even by selling the drums to fast-food restaurants as new flavoured sauces and drinks
Snake: So they close the lid and pretend that it'll go away?
Baker: Essentially, yes, and that's not the only problem- several pounds of MUF are reported missing each year
Snake: What? There's prostitution involved in nuclear weapons?
Baker: No! M-U-F, it stands for 'material unaccounted for', meaning that there's a strong black market selling the shit- and there's billions of nuclear scientists, ousted after the end of the Cold War, with nowhere to turn.
Snake: or to be more precise, a glowing-green market
Baker: Hah! You're a funny man-NOT! Anyway's, there's enough resources for any small country to have a nuclear weapons program.
Snake: And what about the other superpowers?
Baker: It's still reported that gamma rays make you grow larger, have green skin and hair, and grow angrier, not to mention spiders exposed to radiation giving people spider-like powers.
Snake: Unbelievable! Do you have any of those spiders on you?
Baker: I have spiders on me? AGGH! GET 'EM OFF! GET 'EM OFF!
Snake: No, no, I meant- just forget it!
Baker: Ok, anyway, I'd best give you some stuff now
Snake: ah good- anything like a sniper rifle? Bazooka? Missile launcher? Etc
Baker: Here, have this level 2 card- it'll open up all level 2 doors
Snake: Oh, hoo-ray! -_-
Baker: Oh, and take this *hands Snake a disc*- it's Metal Gear's test data. The main hard drive was destroyed by gunfire, this is the only remaining copy
Snake: Is this the CD case with the lady soldier's codec frequency on it?
Baker: Of course not you idiot! Don't play dumb! I know you were sent to get this!
Snake: O….k *takes the card and the disc* can you walk?
Baker: No, I lost all feeling in my legs a few minutes ago- you go on without me
Snake: Ok, by the way- what the hell was that Ninja thing? It seemed like you knew something.
Baker: That ninja? That was FOX-HOUND's dark little secret, though you should ask Doctor Naomi Hunter about that- she knows more about it then I.
Snake: Don't worry, I will. Anyway, I gotta skedaddle pronto- be seeing ya
Baker: Huh? Wai-AAGH!…WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?
Snake: I didn't do anything!
Baker: OOOUGH NO! THOSE PENTAGON BASTARDS! THEY ACTUALLY WENT AND…DID…IT!
Snake: What are you talking about?
Baker: THEY'RE JUST USING YOU FOR-UUURGGGHHHH!!! *slumps forward, dead*
Snake: NOT ANOTHER ONE! *codec call*

Snake: DID YOU SEE THIS?! NOW HE'S DEAD TOO!
Campbell: Oh dear, I wonder what could've happened?
Snake: DON'T LIE TO ME!!
Naomi: It looked like another heart attack, but I can't tell without doing a full autopsy
Snake: DAMN!!!
Campbell: Snake, you gotta call Meryl- I think she's that female soldier
Snake: No shit? Really? But can I trust her?
Campbell: More then you can trust me
Snake: I'd trust a shifty guy in a brown trench coat more then you Colonel
Mei-Ling: Massa Snake!
Snake: what?!
Mei-Ling: There is too much interference in that place, you must leave that area, your life is in danger
Snake: …no it isn't
Mei-Ling: That is true, I was just trying to make you move
Snake: I see- Oh, Naomi, what the hell was that Ninja thing? A member of FOX-HOUND?
Naomi: No
Snake: You sure?
Naomi: I'm sure, we have no one like that in our unit
Campbell: Snake, just get a move on and call Meryl, Ok? *ends call*

Snake: Boy, way to send me up the creek without a paddle
Baker: *lifts head up* Oh, and you better find Doctor Hal Emmerich- he should know how to destroy Metal…Gear…if…you…can't…over…ride-eh! *slumps back forward, dead again*
Snake: Well, least I know who to call now, and who to find as well.

End of Chapter 1
*Insert Chapter 2- press Start after inserting Chapter 2…ok, not really*