By Tekkenicus
Disclaimer: if you've read the last 2 chapters, then you get the gist of this.
Chapter 3: Some Long Bo-lo-kuhs with Ninja, Otacon and a Mr P.Mantis.
Otacon: *crawling away from the shimmering shape against the wall, whimpering,
then wets his pants*
Fox: *appears* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
YOU WET YOUR PANTS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!
Otacon: Hey! Don't make me kick your ass!
*Snake appears*
Otacon: what? you want some too Mullet-boy?
Fox: *turns to face Snake* aha! there you are!
Snake: So, what's your beef Ninja?
Fox: I am neither enemy nor friend, even though I removed all obstacles
from our path.
Snake: very nice of you
Fox: I am back from a world where such words are meaningless-
Snake: Hmm, you sound familiar
Fox: I bet I do- Solid Snake!
Snake: You know me?
Otacon: waagh! *runs into a locker*
Fox: Fine, he can watch from in there
Snake: I need that geek, you keep your slimy metallic hands off of
him!
Fox: If you really want him, then we shall have to battle to the death,
I shall kill you, or you shall kill me, either way, one of us will end
up dead as a duck's toenail.
Snake: hmph- hope they got your burial plot ready!
Fox: Then make me feel it Snake! Make me feel alive again!
Snake: I'm saving myself for...someone
Fox: O_o who...?
Snake: erm....*blushes* let's just fight bitch! you going down tonight!
Fox: Well, c'mon then! Ora Ora! Rakushou! YAHOO! Yoyushi!
Snake: This isn't Street Fighter y'know
Fox: Shut up and fight me!!!
Snake: *shoots his Socom at Fox*
Fox: *blocks the bullets with his sword*
Snake: what the-? grr, take that! *beats up Fox with a 3-hit combo*
and party
Fox: Ow dammit! *leaps away*
Snake: ha! *beats Fox up again*
Fox: agh! *leaps away* that's good Snake, now we can fight as warriors!
*makes his sword disappear* hand-to-hand is the basis of all combat, only
a fool trusts his life to a weapon.
Snake: so you killed those guards up without your sword?
Fox: My life wasn't reliant in my weapon
Snake: oh...agh! *smacked by a flying kick from Fox*
Fox: *leaps away* hehehehehe
Snake: grr
Fox: *flying kicks again*
Snake: *dodges it and smacks Fox again with some punches*
Fox: Ow! dammit! I'm supposed to kick your ass!
Snake: not today! *smacks Fox again*
Fox: ow! stop it!
Snake: Nu! *hits Fox again*
Fox: *leaps away from Snake* that's good Snake *turns invisible* hurry
up and catch me, bitch! *leaps away*
Snake: *equips Thermal Goggles, spots Fox and beats him up in his hiding
place*
Fox: agh! damn your Thermal goggles! *leaps away*
Snake: *thoughts: huh? where'd he go?*
Fox: Iiii'm heerreee Snaaakke!
Snake: Jolly nice of you to reveal your location *beats Fox again*
Fox: Good thing I'm a masochist! *leaps away again*
Snake: Please! I know where you are, I can see your shadow even without
the goggles. No need to try and hide from me in stealth camo, it's worthless
Fox: I'm standing behind you Snake
Snake: Huh? *turns around*
Fox: MADE YA LOOK! *smacks Snake with a giant, life-draining punch*
Snake: ugh! *spins around and sprawls across the floor* *codec call*
Oh, damn! Ninja bloke, would you mind holding? got a call
Fox: Oh, please, by all means, go ahead.
Snake: Thank you. *takes the call*
Master: Snake, you better take a ration, you could die from another
hit like that
Snake: Least someone cares : )
Master: Very much so Snake ^_~
Snake: *giggles*
Master: anyway, have to go now, just had to mention that to you
Snake: aww, ok, bye bye
Master: bye *ends call*
Snake: *eats a ration* Ok, let's go
Fox: *walks calmy towards Snake*
Snake: *backs away, dropping a Chaff Grenade*
Fox: *treads on the grenade, causing it to explode* AAAAGGGHHH!! D...DA...DAMN...MA...M-MACHINERY!
Snake: Eat lead Tin-man! *shoots Fox with Famas*
Fox: urgh! *drops to the floor on his knees until the chaff strips
dissipate* ah, I'm alive again *walks towards Snake*
Snake: catch me if you can *runs away from Fox just as he gets close*
Fox: *punches* huh?
Snake: *smashes Fox's head in*
Fox: agh! more! More!
Snake: say what?
Fox: I'm a masochist
Snake: Oh, I see *hits Fox again*
Fox: ah yes, I remember, that punch!
Snake: Be beaten already! *smacks Fox again*
Fox: agh....*staggers* AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! *starts his little
forcefield electric shock*aghmybackpackaghmybackpackaghmybackpackHURTMEMORE!
Snake: -_- *shoots Fox with Famas*
Fox: Agh! *disappears, then reappears on the left of the computers
on the upper screen* aghmybackpackaghmybackpackaghmybackpack
Snake: Hey, Ninja? d'ya mind skipping this part?
Fox: Nah, after all, I just shock in 2 other spaces anyway
Snake: Ok then- let's get on with it
Fox: Fine *ahem* ahh, I felt that Snake! do you remember me now?
Snake: ......
Fox: er...Zanzibar? Outer Heaven? sexy soldier that you fought?
Snake: Big Boss wasn't sexy
Fox: NO! his lieutenant!
Snake: Grey Fox?! It can't be! you were killed at Zanzibar!
Fox: well, actually, I was just pretending to be-AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Snake: *sighs* here we go again
Fox: the...the medicine! *drops on all fours and starts banging his
head on the floor*
Snake: Nah way, if you're banging your head like that, then I ain't
doing anything about your all-fours
Fox: I *bang*-I *bang*-I'm *bang* looossing *bang* myyseelf! *bang,
then stops*
Snake: ....Fox, you need a doctor
Fox: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs off and
disappears*
Snake: was it something I said? *shrugs, then calls on the Codec*
Snake: Colonel! It's Gray Fox- that ninja! it's him!
Campbell: Yes Snake, that was Gray Fox, and that guy in the locker
is Mr Teezy-Weezy from the Magical Land of Fnargh!
Naomi: No, it's true! that was Gray Fox.
Campbell: He's dead!
Naomi: No, his body was taken from the Zanzibar battlefield and revived.
He was brought to the labs at FOX-HOUND and fitted with an exeskeleton
and was given a lifetime's supply of weed while Dr Clark, my predecessor,
used him for his experiments like a plaything!
Snake: Experiments such as-?
Naomi: Usually titled with questions, such the 'Can Cyborgs get high?'
experiment, which proved that they can with the lifetime supply, and 'Do
Cyborgs also want to murder the Teletubbies?', which was proved they did
by subjecting Fox to watching every episode, and from the Blade Runner
book, 'do robots dream of electronic sheep?', which proved negative, as
Grey Fox just dreamt about images of naked ladies and nightmares about
the Teletubbies, and of course, the gene therapy experiments
Campbell: that's the sickest thing I've ever heard!
Naomi: They used him for all sorts of gene experiments, but then, there
was an explosion that killed Dr Clark and destroyed most of the lab.
Snake: What happened to Gray Fox after that?
Naomi: The record said he died in the explosion.
Snake: why didn't you tell us sooner?
Naomi: Because I'm a spy
Campbell+Snake: *gasp*
Naomi: Only kidding, because it's confidential information
Snake: why does everyone ALWAYS KEEP THINGS FROM ME?!?! *ends call*
Snake: *walks over to the lockers* hey, how long are you gonna stay
in there?
Otacon: As long as possible!
Snake: C'mon! get out!
Otacon: ...are you one of them?
Snake: No, I always work alone?
Otacon: ....ever seen Dominion Tank Police?
Snake: Every episode and movies and whatever
Otacon: Akira?
Snake: Oh, can't forget Akira- that's just a classic!
Otacon: Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend?
Snake: Nah, La Blue Girl?
Otacon: Big ol' boxset, along with Adventure Duo and some other....stuff
Snake: Ok now, c'mon! come out of the closet-I mean, locker!
Otacon: *opens the locker door*
Snake: You're the engineer, Hal Emmerich, right?
Otacon: *gets out of the locker and pushes his glasses up* yeah...Oh!
you must be here to rescue me!! YIPPEE! No more Gear to work on! No more
helping soldiers find medicine! No more taping Hollyoaks for Liquid Snake,
Neighbours for Raven and the 'A Fistful of Dollars' trilogy (A Fistful
of Dollars, For A Few Dollars More, and The Good, The Bad & the Ugly)
for Ocelot! YES!
Snake: actually....no- I need to do something else first.
Otacon: Oh, you bastard!
Snake: Hey, if I wasn't here, then you'd be a Ninja Shishkebab!
Otacon: *sighs* well, least you're not one of them *limps across*
Snake: Are you Ok?
Otacon: Yeah, I just twisted my ankle whilst trying to get away
Snake: So pathetic, anyway, I heard you created Metal Gear Rex- what's
its main function?
Otacon: It's a mobile TMD (theatre missile defence) module designed
to shoot down enemy missiles, for defensive purposes of course, and also
works as part-time ice cream van
Snake: *lifts Otacon up by the collar of his lab coat*
Otacon: waah!
Snake: You liar! I know that its nothing but a walking DEATHMOBILE!
Otacon: Death Mobile? isn't that the name of a supervillain's car?
Snake: No! The terrorists plan to launch a nuke if their demands aren't
met
Otacon: Huh? they're gonna put a dismantled nuclear warhead in Rex's
TMD missile module?
Snake: NO! you dumbass! Ever since the beginning, the whole purpose
of this operation was to test its nuclear launch capability- the terrorists
are just continuing the work YOU STARTED! *shoves Otacon*
Otacon: Nah, you ain't right bitch!
Snake: I heard it right from the horse's mouth
Mr Ed: No you didn't, you heard it from President Baker
Snake: Ok Ed, Ok.
Otacon: No...a nuclear missile on Rex?
Snake: You didn't know?
Otacon: No, all the armanents were built by a separate department-
I was just constructing what it looks like- looks a bit like something
from Gundam Wing don't it?
Snake: Just get to the point- what is Rex armed with?
Otacon: All I know is that its armed with a Vulcan Cannon, a laser
and a railgun
Snake: Hmm, a railgun?
Otacon: Yep, it fires bullets at high-velocities using magnets- causes
quite a lot of damage- it destroyed the Wisconsin Armstech base when one
of the workers cleaning the cockpit accidentally turned it on. It was made
in a co-development between Armstech and Rivermore National Labs.
Snake: The purpose of it was to fire missiles- aren't you...oh, I dunno...FORGETTING
SOMETHING STAR-TREK BOY?!?
Otacon: well, it's true that it has a missile firing system on its
back that can hold up to 8 missiles, but are you really saying that it
was originally meant to fire nuclear missiles?
Snake: No, I'm saying that it's meant to fire ham sandwiches, OF COURSE
I MEAN NUCLEAR MISSILES! Though that's not all I think...
Otacon: No, could it be?
Snake: ...
Otacon: ....
Snake: ...could it be..what?
Otacon: The co-developer, Rivermore National Labs, was working on a
new type of nuclear weapon, using NOVA & NIF cold nuclear fusion techniques...
Snake: *hearing: blahblahblah-blahblahblah, blahblahblahblah, blahblahblah*
er, yeah....
Otacon: hey, come over here, I wanna show you something
Snake: ergh....no, that story's been done over a hundred times by various
Metal Gear fans after this game
Otacon: No, no, I meant these supercomputers here *shows Snake some
big grey block*- linked up, they can test anything in a simulated environment.
Snake: Hmm...I see...
Otacon: what did our President do? .....*bangs the ground* Damn! *sniff*
damn!
Snake: er...are you ok? you seem to be going insane
Otacon: No, the truth is....my grandfather worked on the Manhattan
Project...
Snake: Manhattan doesn't have any projects, it's the Bronx that's the
most run-down
Otacon: No, THE Manhattan Project! The Atom Bombs that were dropped
on Hiroshima and Nagasaki
Snake: Oh....your grandfather was Robert Oppenheimer?
Otacon: Shut up! He lived with the guilt for the rest of his life,
and my father- he was born on August 6th, 1945
Snake: The day of the Hiro-shee-ma bomb...god's got a sense of humour
all right.
Otacon: Hir-rosh-shi-ma
Snake: say what?
Otacon: It's pronounced Hir-rosh-shi-ma, not Hiro-shee-ma
Snake: Ok, ok, I get it.
Otacon: 3 generations of Emmerich men- we must have the curse of nuclear
weapons in our DNA. I thought I could use science to help mankind, but
that's just in the movies...WAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ;_;
Snake: hey, that's enough crying- you've already lost most fluid earlier.
Otacon: Oh, that's right, I'll need to change my pants soon.
Snake: How can I stop the nuclear launch? I heard there was an override
system to it.
Otacon: You'll need to go to the control room- its facing the front
of Rex- that's where the override terminals are. You better hurry though,
their ballistic program must be completed by now, and since they haven't
called for me in a while they must not need me.
Intercom: HAL EMMERICH TO TANK HANGAR 1ST BASEMENT! HAL EMMERICH TO
TANK HANGAR 1ST BASEMENT! TIME FOR 'NEIGHBOURS'! TIME FOR 'NEIGHBOURS'!
Otacon: At this time of night?! Jeez!
Snake: night? it was sunny when I walked through the canyon
Otacon: It was? must be the lighting.
Snake: Anyway, where is Metal Gear?
Otacon: It's at the second floor basement of the...blast..furnace place....the...er...um.....underground
maintenance base! yes! underground maintenance base north of the Communications
Towers.
Snake: Great detail -_-
Otacon: It's a long way there though- I'll show you the way *limps
towards the door*
Snake: With that leg? you're just gonna slow my ass down!
Otacon: Hey! You need me to destroy Rex! plus I have great video-editing
abilities! I even made this rocking Lee Chaolan vid with the 50-combo
hit
Snake: You're Rajin-Ohki?
Otacon: Huh?
Snake: Oh, that's right- 1998
Otacon: Well, there's always Tekken 3
Snake: Lee isn't in that game though
Otacon: Oh yeah
Snake: It doesn't have walls either....wait, what the hell are we talking
about? I don't need you! I just need your brain!
Otacon: I built Rex, It's my duty to destroy it!
Snake: How the hell are you going to destroy a giant robot with a Vulcan
cannon, a laser, a railgun that can destroy a Wisconsin factory and a nuclear
missile!?
Otacon: er.....Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
Snake: Oh yeah! that'll work! don't forget to save your work before
you do it!
Otacon: Fine, fine, I'll stay here then
Snake: well, I might need you- since you know this base well
Otacon: Yep- I even know that there's a secret corridor on the Tank
Hangar's 2nd Floor Basement where you can obtain a digital camera- you
can only open it with a level 4 card though...which I have in my hand here
actually.
Snake: *snatches it off Otacon* Thanks Hal!
Otacon: Call me Otacon
Snake: Otacon?
Otacon: Yeah, it stands for 'Otaku Convention'- actually spelt Otakon,
but I don't wanna get sued.
Snake: who does?
Otacon: *chuckles* An Otaku is a person like me who likes Japanimation-
I didn't get into science to make nuclear weapons
Snake: Most guys studying science want to become doctors or gynaecologists
Otacon: Why gynaecologists?
Snake: -_-;;;;;;;..........nevermind about that- why did you get into
science then?
Otacon: Well, Japan was the first country to create bipedal robots
Snake: .......
Otacon: ...robots in the shape of humans that can do human-type things
when controlled to, or robot suits that humans can equip and control- like
that robot suit that guy was wearing in 'Transformers: The Movie' when
he was dangled above that pit of liquid metal.
Snake: ..oh, I get it! A Transformer! Did you wanna make an Autobot
or a Decepticon?
Otacon: Decepticons-they look cooler, I mean, haven't you seen Starscream?
he transforms into the coolest jet ever!
Snake: He sounds like a wimp though, and Galvatron BLASTED-HIS-TIN-CAN-ASS!
Otacon: oh, you prefer Galvatron then? that big purple wuss! Megatron
looked cooler then him! in fact, a dead Optimus Prime looks cooler then
him!
Snake: Optimus Prime is like Kenny from South Park- he keeps dying
but is always alive next time
Otacon: Anyway- I got into science so I could make robots like those
in Japanese animes- It's true! I swear by it! Look at Rex for example!
*shows Snake a picture of Rex*
Snake: looks like something from 'Zone Of The Enders' I don't
own that either-Tekk>
Otacon: See?
Snake: Well, 'Otacon'-
Otacon: Hmm?
Snake: er...you ok my friend?
Otacon: huh?
Snake: you Ok? nothing bothering you? *patting Otacon on the back*
cos you know I like you *baby-talk* don't you? don't we like wittle Ottie-con,
awwwww
Otacon: What's up with you? getting all friendly all of a sudden
Snake: Oh, er, nothing *cough*
Otacon: Weirdo
Snake: Coming from a man who has the entire boxset of 'La Blue Girl'
Otacon: hey! I have A boxset! not the whole box collection!
Snake: you should try to escape- contact me when you've found a safe
place to hide
Otacon: I'm on an island you idiot
Snake: Oh yeah- well, just hide somewhere and I'll see about getting
you out of here.
Otacon: Ah good, and don't worry, I have this *reveals a teddy bear*
Snake: O_o? a teddy bear?
Otacon: Huh? oh! no! not that, this! *presses a button on his collar
and he suddenly disappears, then presses it again and reappears* It's the
same stealth technology as that 'Gray Fox' guy. With this, I'll be fine,
bad leg and all.
Snake: Hmm, it's a start, but I want Meryl to look after you too. *calls
Meryl*
Meryl: *with balaclava already off* what's hanging Snake?
Snake: Good news- the engineer's safe and well
Meryl: That's a relief
Snake: He has a twisted ankle, but that's nothing to worry about- he
also has a stealth camo so-
Guard's Voice: there she is!
Meryl: Damn! I've been spotted *her screen goes into static* eek!
Snake: Meryl! what happened?! *ends call*
Snake: Something's wrong, I lost contact with Meryl
Otacon: Didn't I hear some kind of music?
Snake: Nah, that's my Walkman
Otacon: Hmm, let's have a listen *on the headphones* ah yeah #boom!
shake shake shake da room! boom! shake shake shake the room! boom shake
shake shake da room! tick tick tick tick-BOOM!#
Intercom: HAL EMMERICH! HAL EMMERICH! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Otacon: *replies back on his own intercom* #DA FUSE IS LIT AND I'M
ABOUT TO GO BOOM! MERCY MERCY MERCY ME!-#
(at the Tank Hangar)
New Guard 8: *standing on the tank with DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh
Prince...for real!* didn't have this much atmosphere on the set to 'The
Fresh Prince Of Bel Air'.
New Guard 9: True dat
Will Smith: This is wack man- I gotta movie to make about guys in black
suits defending the earth from the scum of the universe
N.G 8: Well, what have movies ever done for us?
DJ: Made the plot for this game?
N.G 9: True dat
N.G 8: Oh, shut up!
Guards in Communications Tower A: GET ON WITH IT DAMMIT!
Liquid: *in the torture room with Ocelot & Sniper Wolf* yes, I'm
tired of these Pythonesque rip-offs
Wolf: Me too
Ocelot: And me
Raven: *at the warehouse* me especially *shivering* brr!
Lone Guard Patrolling Around Metal Gear: and me- so bloody boring here!
Snake: Do you know what Meryl looks like?
Otacon: How do ya mean?
Snake: well, most of the guards around here are guys, but I wanna be
able to tell any girl guards apart from Meryl
Otacon: Well, one guard stood out from the rest- she was a girl because...well,
y'know- 'chest formations'
Snake: Of course
Otacon: ...and the curvaceous hips
Snake: Uh-huh
Otacon: and those legs *drools*
Snake: ...er...anything else?
Otacon: There was her walk too- she kinda wiggles her behind
Snake: you were really looking
Otacon: Well, she has a great ass- I mean, a cute behind.
Snake: Ok- way of walking- got'cha
Otacon: Ok *turns stealth camo back on* My Codec frequency is 141.12-
call me if you need anything, like rations or weapons, etc. See ya later
*leaves through the Level 4 door*
Snake: ...all alone now U_U ah well *picks up whatever twirling ammo/weapon
boxes/etc which are left in the Lab after the Ninja fight* Time to find
Meryl...*leaves through the level 4 door, through the hallway of corpses,
and back into the gas-filled corridor*
Snake: crap *cough* *puts on Gas Mask* How did Otacon get through this?
Otacon: blleeeee!!!! *sounds of doors opening and closing*
Snake: Guess that answers my questions *gets past the camera via blind
spot again and heads back towards the Level 3 doors- and on the way picking
up the items within the Level 4 door between the 2 Level 3 doors* *exits
through the Level 3 doors and heads to the elevator* hmm, maybe I should've
asked Otacon where Meryl was patrolling
Otacon: *in stealth camo* Don't be so dense
Snake: AGH! *jumps*
Otacon: hey, its just me! I'm waiting for the elevator too- which floor
are you looking for?
Snake: dunno...1st floor basement?
Otacon: I was heading for the top floor
Snake: well, I can get off along the way then
Otacon: fine
Elevator: ding! *doors open-Snake & Otacon enter-Snake presses
the button for B1*
Snake: Nice of you to be that nice to me- almost like Master
Otacon: ....huh?
Snake: Oh, nothing.
Elevator: ding! (opens at B1)
Snake: *gets out* farewell Otacon!
Otacon: .....*presses the button for floor 1 simultaneously*
Snake: *takes out his Level 4 card and looks in the level 3 doors ahead*
way of walking....ah, there she is! *spots Meryl patrolling at the far
end of the room*
Guard 35: *grumbling still, heading towards Snake*
Snake: Uh-oh *moves away from the doors and behind a pillar on the
far right of the screen* more waiting *sighs*
Commercial Break.
Basic Movie Announcer Voice: 'In a world where even sub-critical nuclear tests are causing a stir, where massive conspiracies are numerous and in big folders at the Pentagon, and in a world where drunken pilots crash planes into skyscrapers. Kurt Russell is Solid Snake in.....Metal Gear Solid 2: VR Missions! Featuring an all star cast of Leonardo DiCaprio as Raiden, Sean Connery as Big Boss's Body, and Christian Slater as Johnny Sasaki'.
Christian: Hey! shut up in there will'ya?
B.M.A: 'Metal Gear Solid 2: VR Missions- at all cinema's from next
Friday...2010.' (Commercial scripts written by Julie Moore People
in the UK who follow the news might get that joke about the drunken
pilot & Julie Moore>.
And now back to our regularly scheduled piss-take.
Snake: someone's coming
Computers From the Level 3 room: ooh yes!
Snake: Not in that sense!
Meryl: *dressed as soldier, shaking her hips*
Snake: Yo Meryl!
Meryl: O_O! *runs into the women's bathroom*
Snake: *dashes after her to the far end of the toilets* huh? genome
clothes?
Meryl: Don't move *gunclick* That's the second time I've been able
to sneak up on the Legendary Solid Snake
Snake: O_o you're Meryl?
Meryl: Yes..
Snake: *thoughts: ooh baby, those panties!* er, there's no way you
could pass for a man for long!
Meryl: What do you mean? hey! men aren't allowed in here!
Snake: I had no idea you were so...feminine
Meryl: This is no time to try and hit on me Snake! Besides, it's a
waste of time- when I joined up they gave me psychotherapy to destroy my
interest in men
Snake: Most of the guard's here are ugly bastards- you wouldn't need
psychotherapy to destroy any interest in them
Meryl: I dunno, Johnny Sasaki looks cute without his bala-wait! shut
up Snake!
Snake: Same smart mouth, you're Meryl alright? you ok?
Meryl: Yeah, after all, I was dressed as a Genome Soldier
Snake: Why did you change? you be better off dressed like one of them
Meryl: I got tired of disguising myself...the truth is...Johnny Sasaki's
guard uniform had really horrible skid-marks in them.
Snake: Thanks for the image! *notices a mark on Meryl's arm* what's
that?
Meryl: Oh, it's a paint tattoo, its not real- I was a fan of FOXHOUND
way back when guys like you and my uncle were in it.
Snake: Can you prove it?
Meryl: *takes a card from her top* my Official FOXHOUND fan club card...*produces
a big bag full of pamphlets* the FOXHOUND fan club newsletters...
Snake: *takes one of the newsletters* 'What I did in Zanzibar, chapter
1, By Solid Snake'....it's a bad likeness -_-
Meryl: There was none of that gene therapy stuff back then- you guys
were like real heroes.
Snake: There are no heroes in war- all the heroes I know are either
dead, in prison, or having geeks play them in movies.
Meryl: But Snake, you're a hero aren't you?
Snake: I dunno- haven't seen Kurt Russell play me in a movie yet.
Meryl: Come on!
Snake: It's only when I'm staring death in the face, the only time
I feel truly alive.
Meryl: Seeing other people die makes you feel alive huh? you love war
and don't want it to stop? Is it the same with all great heroes of war?
Snake: Why didn't you contact me?
Meryl: the Chief Genome took it off me- said I didn't need it for my
patrol route- and then went and had 'Codec Sex' with one of the female
soldiers over it.
Snake: hmm.....*thoughts: ...maybe later* is that all?
Meryl: Shouldn't you be happy that we met up like this?
Snake: In a ladies room at a nuclear processing facility in a remote
part of Alaska's Fox Islands?
Meryl: Ok, maybe not like this- how did you recognise me in uniform
anyway?
Snake: I never forget a lady...
Meryl: So there's something you like about me huh?
Snake: Yeah, your chirpy & excited personality.....that and you
have some great T'n A.
Meryl: Oh, I see, first its my eyes, now its my boobs and booty- what
next?
Snake: On the battlefield, you never think about what's next
Meryl: ......what a crappy chat-up line *puts pants on*
Snake: hey, bear with me! I'm prone to PTSD- with that, chatting up
women isn't the first thing on your mind.
Meryl: My family used to dream of PTSD- we just had to make do with
Chechan Syndrome
Snake: Chechan Syndrome? that was just a forlorn hope for my foster
family- we only had Afghan Syndrome
Meryl: My mother's cousin had bubonic plague
Snake: My friend's dad had Legionnaire's Disease 17 times over
Meryl: My postman had Asperger's Syndrome
Snake: My paperboy was a quadrepalegic
Meryl: -_- ....anyway, how are the negotiations going?
Snake: No progress
Meryl: So, it's all up to you now huh?
Snake: Somebody's gotta stop that thing
Meryl: You plan to take it on by yourself?
Snake: Wouldn't be the first time
Meryl: There are 2 ways to disable it- either we destroy Metal Gear-
Snake: Or we override the detonation code- do you have the card keys
from Baker?
Meryl: Card keys? *reaches down her top* is this is?
Snake: That's a Level 5 card
Meryl: Oh *reaches back in* how about this yellow key?
Snake: Huh? there's supposed to be 3 keys!
Meryl: That's all I got
Snake: Where can the other 2 be?
Meryl: I dunno, gotta be around here somewhere
Snake: I'll check the cupboards under the sinks, you check the toilets
Meryl: I don't think you're gonna find them here
Snake: ...guess so- I'll go off and find them, you hide somewhere
Meryl: No way! I'm going with you! I know this place better then you!
Snake: You'll just slow me down- and I have a map y'know
Meryl: I won't slow you down! I promise!
Snake: and if you do?
Meryl: Then we can get busy in a locker ^_~
Snake: ...I don't like to waste loads
Meryl: I got it, I'll be careful *looks in the mirror* y'know,
I don't use make-up like other women do- I always despised that kind of
woman. I always wanted to become a soldier. My father, he was killed in
action when I was younger.
Snake: You wanted to follow in your father's footsteps?
Meryl: Not really, I just thought that I had to become a soldier- to
try and understand him better.
Snake: Are you a soldier yet?
Meryl: I thought I was, until today. But now I want to know who I am,
and what I'm capable of. It's time I took a long hard look at myself
(Subtitles saying 'DRAMATIC SCENE' flash on the screen)
Snake: *whips out his Socom* Take a good look at yourself, you may
not get another chance, you should wash your face too whilst you're at
it
Meryl: *suddenly looking like she's in Black Minstrel make-up* *sniff*
yeah..
Snake: This is no training exercise! Our lives are depending on this!
Meryl: *suddenly without the make-up* ...yeah
Snake: Is that Famas functional?
Meryl: Unfortunately, its out of ammo
Snake: well, you wasted most of those bullets earlier- firing at nothing-
so I have no sympathy
Meryl: >: (
Snake: *spots Meryl's handgun* where'd you get that Desert Eagle from?
Meryl: I found it in the Armory- there was a Socom pistol too, but
I chose this- its a .50 calibre action express.
Snake: Huh, I got a leftover then? ....isn't that gun a bit big for
a girl?
Meryl: Sexist!
Snake: Chauvinist- there are big differences between the two.
Meryl: *sighs* Ok, let's go- I know this place better then you- follow
me *walks out of the toilets*
Snake: ......*runs into one of the cubicles* aaaaahhhh that feels so
good! a-hey! a ration! *sound of flushing* doo-doo-doo-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo,
doodoo-de-do-de-do-de-doodoo *washes hands* doo-doo-doo-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo,
doodoo-de-doo-de-doo-doodoo *walks out from the toilets*
Meryl: That's strange- there's no guards
Snake: What happened to the music?
Meryl: Guess today is the day the music died...#so I'm singing 'bye
bye Miss American Pie', drove my Chevy to the Levy cos the...levy was dry,
and the good ol' boys drinking whisky & rye, singing 'this'll be the
day that I die-this'll be the day that I die#
Snake: .....
Meryl: Oh *cough* I mean, I'll keep a look-out- make sure you're ready,
ok? *walks off, standing next to the level 3 doors*
Snake: Hmm, no guards eh? hehehehe *runs through the Level 3 doors
and goes into each little room- obtaining a second cardboard box, extra
ammo for Socom, Famas & Nikita, and some diazepam*
Meryl: *looks into the room* Snake? where the hell are you?
(cardboard box sneaks up on her)
Snake: *from within box* boo!
Meryl: ......*slaps Snake* what are you thinking?
Snake: *thoughts: (scenes of Snake & Master Miller skipping through
the fields hand-in-hand, rolling about the grass and giggling to some romancy
classical music)*
Meryl: erm...helloooo? anyone in there?
Snake: Oh, er, yeah, I'm here
Meryl: Ok then- let's go to the Commander's Room
Snake: Why?
Meryl: Why not? *heads off towards the door herself*
Snake: hey! wait! *runs through the door*
Meryl: hehehe *walks in after him*
*freaky music*
Snake: Oh great, the music's back!
Meryl: #so I say thank you for the music, and the song I'm singing.
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing! who can live without it? I ask
you in honesteee, what would life beee? without a song or dance what are
we? so I say thank you for the music, for giving it to meeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE!#
Snake: ...*smacks Meryl upside the head*
Meryl: ....sorry, didn't know what came over me just then
*Snake & Meryl head for the door in front- Meryl rushes over to
it, but just as Snake gets close*
Meryl: oh, my head! it hurts! don't come here Snake!
Snake: Meryl! what's wrong?
Meryl: agh...egh...urgh..ah...*in wheezy voice* Nothing, I'm fine.
Ok...let's go!
Snake: O_o?
Meryl: Come on Mr FOX-HOUND, the commander is waiting
Snake: *blinks* *walks into the commander's room, with Meryl following
behind- then the door closes shut and locks* what the hell?
Meryl: forget it Snake- just look around
Snake: O.....k O_o *walks towards the desk when-*
Meryl: AUGH! *aims her gun at Snake*
Snake: Huh?
Meryl: Snaayke, do you...like meee?
Snake: what?
Meryl: do youu...like meee? Oh! hold me Snayke!
Snake: hey! what's wrong with you?
Meryl: hurry! hurry! make love to mee! *stumbling towards Snake, still
with gun aiming*
Snake: *taking steps back*
Meryl: Snayke! I-*in Mantis's voice* want yoouuuu!
Snake: *spots Mantis* who's that?
Meryl: *in Mantis's voice* huh? you don't like girls? Maybe you prefer
Vulcan's 'Raven' instead!
Snake: *gulps* *codec call* erm...I'll get back to you on that, got
a call
Mantis/Meryl: Oh, ok
Snake: *answers call*
Campbell: Snake! don't use your weapon! Meryl's not herself!
Naomi: It's Psycho Mantis! He's taken control of her mind- that tune
is his mind control music!
Snake: ...'DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince's Greatest Hits' are
his mind control tunes?
Naomi: No! take off your walkman!
Campbell: Just try and knock Meryl out! *ends call*
Mantis/Meryl: Are you done now?
Snake: *gets a stun grenade* yep *throws a stun grenade down, then
runs circles around Meryl*
Mantis/Meryl: Stop running! I wanna shoot yo-*grenade explodes* agh
crap! *Meryl falls to the ground unconscious*
Mantis: *hovering shimmering form* *in Darth Vader voice* hmph, useless
woman, the force wasn't strong within her after all
Snake: Stealth camoflage and a dead-on impression of Darth Vader- hope
that's not your only trick!
Mantis: YOU! You doubt the force? That's it! Now I'm going to show
you why I'm *appears in full, making Snake flinch* the most powerful practioner
of telepathy, psychokinesis-slash-telekinesis and Star Wars impressions
in the world!
Snake: Bugger me!
Mantis: That's right- this is no trick- this is pure power! for I am
PSYCHO MANTIS! *hums the Star Wars Galactic Empire theme* Now...let me
read your mind- or should I say, your past.....hmm, you are a Taurus called
David, with a fetish for cardboard boxes and an IQ of 180
Snake: I'm a Capricorn actually
Mantis: what? you still doubt me?! NOW I WILL READ MORE DEEPLY INTO
YOUR SOUL!!!! *waves arms about like a loon* You're a dab hand at Konami's
Silent Scope, and 'Fist Of The North Star: Fighting Mania' is one of your
strong points, yet you've haven'tg unlocked Shin Akuma or Evil Ryu in Street
Fighter Alpha 3 yet
Snake: ....I unlocked Evil Ryu 2 days ago
Mantis: You still don't believe me? now I'll show you my telekinetic
powers! Put your controller on the floor as flat as you can
Snake: O_o? .....*places a figurine of the Fat Controller from 'Thomas
The Tank Engine' on the floor*
Mantis: That's good! now, watch me move your controller by the power
of my will alone!!! *waves his arms about like a loon again, making the
figurine stand up, stick his hand towards Snake and stick up a middle finger*
Snake: grrr! *stamps on the figurine, smashing it*
Mantis: Now do you accept my power?? th-the demonstration! IT'S OVER!
BAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
End of Chapter 3.
Will Snake succeed against Psycho Mantis?....of course he will!