Author's notes: Well, I got one review for the first chapter of this. Does
that mean it's time to post more? Of course it does! This second part isn't
really as funny as the first part. It gets much funnier later on, but
that's about thirty hand-written pages away. But this has lots more of
Mulder's craziness, and that's always nice.
Confused?: Here's a short explanation of some important things I probably should have given right at the start. In terms of the X-Files timeline, it's around the end of Season 7. On Buffy it's before the Initiative was filled in with cement and they made a margarita out of the earth (read: when that general guy said "Salt the earth"). The Captain Planet Season really doesn't matter. Stephan the narrator is my own (crappy) creation. Snaps is that kid from a few episodes of Pokémon. The Andy I'm referring to is the one who used to be on Charmed before he was killed (that's what Mulder's talking about). Karl is from Neighbours, and Mac is from JAG (I think. My friend convinced me to put her in there). So hopefully everything is less confusing now.
About the one review...: Thank you, Jade! Yes it is stupid. It's what I live for.
***
(Two hours later)
"UNO!" exploded Mulder for the 14th time in the last 37 seconds.
"Mulder, you have 16 cards", explained Matt, who had shown up 45 minutes ago. "You can only say UNO when you have one card left."
Mulder put down 15 of his cards. "UNO!" he replied, and giggled.
"Sigh", sighed Matt, in that way that people sometimes do. "Do you think the crying lady will be quiet soon?" he asked no one in particular.
"Honestly, I just don't know", replied Mulder sadly.
And so Wheeler once again called the one person that he knew could help, and MacGuyver returned as fast as his legs would carry him. This time, however, he pumped Scully full of lead, and danced on her bloodied remains.
At first Mulder was a little upset that his partner of seven years was dead. He thought about everything they had shared. But then he remembered all of the shit that Scully had put him through, and he just stopped caring.
"Where are the zebra's I ordered?" he asked in a lilting voice, before dancing off into the wildflowers.
Buffy, being the kind, caring, Psyche 101 student that she is, was really starting to worry about Mulder.
"Have you noticed that that Mulder guy is a few bread rolls short of a baker's dozen?" she asked Fat Naked Riley, her boyfriend. "I don't think he should come with us. He might put the Dragon Balls to bad use, and I just don't want that to happen."
"I see where you're coming from", replied Riley. "Even me, who's fat and naked, can see that he's unstable."
Buffy and Fat Naked Riley pondered the situation.
"Maybe we could ask MacGuyver to 'help out', if you know what I mean", Buffy suggested.
Riley was quick to reply to this suggestion. "No! Just because he's not working with a full sack, it doesn't mean that he should be killed. Let's just take him with us and see how things pan out. If necessary we can always call MacGuyver in later if he becomes a liability."
"Liability?" questioned Buffy. "We learned about those in computer classes with Ms Calendar! 'Puter, 'puter, 'puter, 'puter 'pu..." Buffy trailed off, as Riley had hit her over the head with one of the huge rolls of flab hanging off his arm. She collapsed on the ground.
Gohan danced (the tango, solo) up to Riley and the unconscious Buffy.
"We're going now!" he yelled at them. "I'm tired of waiting. I'm going to sit down now and list everyone who going on this journey so that I know exactly who I need to kill so that I get the Dragon Balls for myself."
"What?!" asked a groggy Buffy, who had just returned to consciousness.
"Um, nothing", said Gohan. "Let's go."
And so they went. The large group began the long journey to find the Dragon Balls, out of the large, grassy field. Five minutes and 650 metres later the large and mismatched group realised that they just couldn't be bothered walking anymore. So they all congregated a very nearby bus stop because, well, there was a seat. They began to discuss what they should do now that they were so tired. Mulder spoke up first.
"Good morning star shine. The Earth says helloooo", he began to sing, in a haunting falsetto.
"Could someone please shut him up?" asked Linka, very afraid.
Riley responded by again putting his enormous size to good use as he had with Buffy. Mulder crumpled to the ground.
"Well, now that that problem is taken care of, I really think we need to find an improved mode of transportation", Gohan told them. He then proceeded to tell the others about his new plan, which revolved around catching a bus around the world, because they were already at a bus stop, and they wouldn't need to walk anywhere.
"I just have one problem with that plan", interrupted Wheeler, who really hadn't said anything for awhile. "What if we don't all fit on the bus?"
"Well", replied Gohan, "we'll have to think about which of us would be most useful on this mission. Of course, I'm automatically in, because it was my idea to find the Dragon Balls in the first place, and only I know how to find them. Those of you who are not selected can follow us on foot."
"Forget you, man!" exploded Clark. "I'm going home!"
"Yeah!" agreed everyone.
"Fine, fine", Gohan gave in. "We can all squish onto the bus."
"I should think so!" Gee yelled at him.
Everyone began yelling at each other all over again over who should be allowed to travel on the bus, but all of them fell silent when the great bus beast came around the corner. The bus stopped at the bus stop and the doors slowly opened. Marti peered through the door. The bus driver was visible, and Marti was certain that he'd seen him somewhere before. The bus driver was... William, and he was wearing his Wish Wellingtons!
"Hi everyone! Guess what! I'm a bus driver! I woke up this morning with an insane, intense urge to drive a bus, so I wished with my Wellingtons and here I am. Where would you like to go?" William said quickly in an English accent (as he was English). He was obviously very excited about driving a bus.
Gohan leaned in close to Willy so as not to let any other passengers that might be on the bus hear. It was, after all, somewhat of a secret.
"We need you take us around the world on this bus so that we can collect the Dragon Balls", he whispered.
"The Dragon's Balls?" Willy exclaimed, not keeping his voice down. "Why do you want those?"
"No, the Dragon Balls!" everyone else yelled, because no one ever actually said that it was a secret. That joke just isn't funny anymore.
"Oh", said Willy, suddenly less happy. He, like most people in the world, didn't like being yelled at by other people. Dammit, he wished they'd go away.
Suddenly Willy heard, well, nothing. He looked over to where the large group had been moments earlier, and realised that he had wished them away!
'Why does this always happen to me?' he said to himself, as he did the dance of magical constipation and wished for all the psychos to come back. After all, the money they'd each have to pay for a bus ticket around the world was rather large.
The psychos reappeared, collapsed on the ground. Then Buffy lifted her head and glared at Willy.
"You know, that was really mean", she said, pausing every few effect, in a deadly voice. "Really mean."
Wheeler sat up too. "Hey guys, do you think that I should call the one person who can help us with this", he gestured to Willy, "problem?"
"Yeah!" yelled Fat Naked Riley.
"Yeah!" yelled the Planeteers.
"Yeah!" yelled Mulder. "Sing us a song, William!"
"Yeah!" yelled Lois.
"Yeah!" yelled William. "I mean no! Please don't hurt me!"
"I'm sorry, but you should have thought of that before you wished us away", Quami explained to him.
And so Wheeler called MacGuyver, and he came as fast as his legs could carry him. Just before he threw William (without his Wellingtons) off a cliff William began to cry. And as he was falling to his death he screamed, "But I wished you baaaaaaack!"
And MacGuyver danced on his bloody remains, splattered at the bottom of the cliff.
"Of course, now I suppose we need a new bus driver", said Gee.
"I'll drive!" exclaimed Matt. "At least I know where we're meant to be going. And we won't have to pay for tickets."
Everyone cheered, and then boarded the bus: Mulder and Matt; Lois and Clark; Buffy and Fat Naked Riley; all of the Planeteers; MacGuyver, who had just shown up again and decided to come along for the ride and Snaps, who likes to take pictures of Pokémon. Gohan led the way.
Confused?: Here's a short explanation of some important things I probably should have given right at the start. In terms of the X-Files timeline, it's around the end of Season 7. On Buffy it's before the Initiative was filled in with cement and they made a margarita out of the earth (read: when that general guy said "Salt the earth"). The Captain Planet Season really doesn't matter. Stephan the narrator is my own (crappy) creation. Snaps is that kid from a few episodes of Pokémon. The Andy I'm referring to is the one who used to be on Charmed before he was killed (that's what Mulder's talking about). Karl is from Neighbours, and Mac is from JAG (I think. My friend convinced me to put her in there). So hopefully everything is less confusing now.
About the one review...: Thank you, Jade! Yes it is stupid. It's what I live for.
***
(Two hours later)
"UNO!" exploded Mulder for the 14th time in the last 37 seconds.
"Mulder, you have 16 cards", explained Matt, who had shown up 45 minutes ago. "You can only say UNO when you have one card left."
Mulder put down 15 of his cards. "UNO!" he replied, and giggled.
"Sigh", sighed Matt, in that way that people sometimes do. "Do you think the crying lady will be quiet soon?" he asked no one in particular.
"Honestly, I just don't know", replied Mulder sadly.
And so Wheeler once again called the one person that he knew could help, and MacGuyver returned as fast as his legs would carry him. This time, however, he pumped Scully full of lead, and danced on her bloodied remains.
At first Mulder was a little upset that his partner of seven years was dead. He thought about everything they had shared. But then he remembered all of the shit that Scully had put him through, and he just stopped caring.
"Where are the zebra's I ordered?" he asked in a lilting voice, before dancing off into the wildflowers.
Buffy, being the kind, caring, Psyche 101 student that she is, was really starting to worry about Mulder.
"Have you noticed that that Mulder guy is a few bread rolls short of a baker's dozen?" she asked Fat Naked Riley, her boyfriend. "I don't think he should come with us. He might put the Dragon Balls to bad use, and I just don't want that to happen."
"I see where you're coming from", replied Riley. "Even me, who's fat and naked, can see that he's unstable."
Buffy and Fat Naked Riley pondered the situation.
"Maybe we could ask MacGuyver to 'help out', if you know what I mean", Buffy suggested.
Riley was quick to reply to this suggestion. "No! Just because he's not working with a full sack, it doesn't mean that he should be killed. Let's just take him with us and see how things pan out. If necessary we can always call MacGuyver in later if he becomes a liability."
"Liability?" questioned Buffy. "We learned about those in computer classes with Ms Calendar! 'Puter, 'puter, 'puter, 'puter 'pu..." Buffy trailed off, as Riley had hit her over the head with one of the huge rolls of flab hanging off his arm. She collapsed on the ground.
Gohan danced (the tango, solo) up to Riley and the unconscious Buffy.
"We're going now!" he yelled at them. "I'm tired of waiting. I'm going to sit down now and list everyone who going on this journey so that I know exactly who I need to kill so that I get the Dragon Balls for myself."
"What?!" asked a groggy Buffy, who had just returned to consciousness.
"Um, nothing", said Gohan. "Let's go."
And so they went. The large group began the long journey to find the Dragon Balls, out of the large, grassy field. Five minutes and 650 metres later the large and mismatched group realised that they just couldn't be bothered walking anymore. So they all congregated a very nearby bus stop because, well, there was a seat. They began to discuss what they should do now that they were so tired. Mulder spoke up first.
"Good morning star shine. The Earth says helloooo", he began to sing, in a haunting falsetto.
"Could someone please shut him up?" asked Linka, very afraid.
Riley responded by again putting his enormous size to good use as he had with Buffy. Mulder crumpled to the ground.
"Well, now that that problem is taken care of, I really think we need to find an improved mode of transportation", Gohan told them. He then proceeded to tell the others about his new plan, which revolved around catching a bus around the world, because they were already at a bus stop, and they wouldn't need to walk anywhere.
"I just have one problem with that plan", interrupted Wheeler, who really hadn't said anything for awhile. "What if we don't all fit on the bus?"
"Well", replied Gohan, "we'll have to think about which of us would be most useful on this mission. Of course, I'm automatically in, because it was my idea to find the Dragon Balls in the first place, and only I know how to find them. Those of you who are not selected can follow us on foot."
"Forget you, man!" exploded Clark. "I'm going home!"
"Yeah!" agreed everyone.
"Fine, fine", Gohan gave in. "We can all squish onto the bus."
"I should think so!" Gee yelled at him.
Everyone began yelling at each other all over again over who should be allowed to travel on the bus, but all of them fell silent when the great bus beast came around the corner. The bus stopped at the bus stop and the doors slowly opened. Marti peered through the door. The bus driver was visible, and Marti was certain that he'd seen him somewhere before. The bus driver was... William, and he was wearing his Wish Wellingtons!
"Hi everyone! Guess what! I'm a bus driver! I woke up this morning with an insane, intense urge to drive a bus, so I wished with my Wellingtons and here I am. Where would you like to go?" William said quickly in an English accent (as he was English). He was obviously very excited about driving a bus.
Gohan leaned in close to Willy so as not to let any other passengers that might be on the bus hear. It was, after all, somewhat of a secret.
"We need you take us around the world on this bus so that we can collect the Dragon Balls", he whispered.
"The Dragon's Balls?" Willy exclaimed, not keeping his voice down. "Why do you want those?"
"No, the Dragon Balls!" everyone else yelled, because no one ever actually said that it was a secret. That joke just isn't funny anymore.
"Oh", said Willy, suddenly less happy. He, like most people in the world, didn't like being yelled at by other people. Dammit, he wished they'd go away.
Suddenly Willy heard, well, nothing. He looked over to where the large group had been moments earlier, and realised that he had wished them away!
'Why does this always happen to me?' he said to himself, as he did the dance of magical constipation and wished for all the psychos to come back. After all, the money they'd each have to pay for a bus ticket around the world was rather large.
The psychos reappeared, collapsed on the ground. Then Buffy lifted her head and glared at Willy.
"You know, that was really mean", she said, pausing every few effect, in a deadly voice. "Really mean."
Wheeler sat up too. "Hey guys, do you think that I should call the one person who can help us with this", he gestured to Willy, "problem?"
"Yeah!" yelled Fat Naked Riley.
"Yeah!" yelled the Planeteers.
"Yeah!" yelled Mulder. "Sing us a song, William!"
"Yeah!" yelled Lois.
"Yeah!" yelled William. "I mean no! Please don't hurt me!"
"I'm sorry, but you should have thought of that before you wished us away", Quami explained to him.
And so Wheeler called MacGuyver, and he came as fast as his legs could carry him. Just before he threw William (without his Wellingtons) off a cliff William began to cry. And as he was falling to his death he screamed, "But I wished you baaaaaaack!"
And MacGuyver danced on his bloody remains, splattered at the bottom of the cliff.
"Of course, now I suppose we need a new bus driver", said Gee.
"I'll drive!" exclaimed Matt. "At least I know where we're meant to be going. And we won't have to pay for tickets."
Everyone cheered, and then boarded the bus: Mulder and Matt; Lois and Clark; Buffy and Fat Naked Riley; all of the Planeteers; MacGuyver, who had just shown up again and decided to come along for the ride and Snaps, who likes to take pictures of Pokémon. Gohan led the way.