Author's notes: No reviews for the third chapter? You people are so unkind!
Nah, I can see how you wouldn't want to read this. I'm only putting this up
because the book I originally wrote it in is falling apart. In other news,
this is probably the funniest part so far. I don't think there's any
explanation required (except that yes, I do know that MacGuyver's hair
isn't as humorous as I claim it is), so here we go!
Disclaimer: No, I don't own McDonalds. Thank God. And I am actually aware of the fact that Ronald McDonald doesn't usually work at the counter.
***
Mulder spoke up for the first time in what seemed to the other bus passengers like ages.
"McDonalds? This is where my friend lives! His name is Ronald! I remember the first time I met him, when I was but a little, wee lad. He seems to move house all the time though. He's always at every McDonalds that I go to."
Mulder appeared to be very excited about being at McDonalds; more so than he should have been.
Everyone departed the bus, as they had not eaten since before they had arrived at the nameless field, many hours earlier, and also because it was dinnertime. As they filed into the restaurant Gohan began to wonder how exactly he was going to order for fifteen people.
"This is just asking for trouble", he said quietly.
Buffy and Spike, having their super duper supernatural hearing could easily hear him. Fortunately they didn't give a crap about Gohan, midget extraordinaire. Spike was too busy gazing longingly at Buffy's chest, and Buffy was too busy enjoying it.
All of those in search of the Dragon Balls sat down in booths, taking up most of the left side of the restaurant. Buffy and Spike sat down on one said of a booth after agreeing to sit together. Riley was next to gallop into the room. He spotted Spike and Buffy, then manoeuvred his fat stomach to fit underneath the table so that he could sit on the other side of their booth. Spike and Buffy both shot each other desperate looks, but there was nothing that could be done.
In the booth behind them Lois and Clark, the happy couple, were being unsuitably friendly for a family restaurant. Clark, the third wheel, sat on the other side of their booth.
'That Mulder dies tonight', Clark thought, rubbing his Wellington-covered feet together. 'Only then will I get my true love Ronald McDonald to love me the way he should.'
Clark looked wistfully over at Mr McDonald, who was handing a small boy some fries. The small boy was Matt, but Clark, being the obsessive psychotic that he is, didn't realise.
Matt was becoming worried. Crazy Clark had been staring at him for a long time, ever since he had ordered his fries from the lovely young man with red hair and unnaturally pale skin.
'I don't think I'll go anywhere near that guy anymore', Matt thought.
In another booth Quami, Gee and Marti sat on one side, and Linka sat next to Wheeler on the other side, her tongue in his ear. Wheeler moaned. If Scully hadn't been killed several hours earlier she certainly would have been making some scientific observations.
"I just don't know what I'm in the mood for", Gee said, looking at the large menu mounted above the counter.
Wheeler laughed, but because of Linka's present activity it sounded more like a cross between a gasp and a hiccup.
"I know exactly what I'm in the mood for", he murmured. He then quickly got to his feet, dragging Linka with him. "We are going to the bathroom", he told the remaining Planeteers. "Order me whatever, I'm not that hungry..."
The others nodded. They were used to this kind of behaviour from Linka and Wheeler. It was nothing new.
"Now that there's more room over there I think I might sit on the other side", Marti told the other, less perverted (apparently) Planeteers. "That flashlight that Quami always carries in case of emergencies is digging into my leg."
As Marti swapped sides in the booth, Gee stared at Quami, who blushed in an interesting, Pokémon-style way.
"That would have come in handy so many times! Why didn't you tell us before that you always carry a flashlight?" Gee asked Quami.
"Um... it's my own personal flashlight", Quami replied, as embarrassed as can be.
Gee was a little unbelieving.
"Are you sure you have a flashlight?" she asked.
Quami was worried. Could they know his secret? No, of course not. He answered, as calm as could be, "Yes. Yes I do."
Like so many times in history, ageism had an effect on the situation, as Matt, Gohan and Snaps sat with MacGuyver in a booth near the counter. And I say ageism, because the three boys were making fun of MacGuyver's hair as he pretended to read a newspaper. Inside, however, their harsh words cut him deeply. His hair always seemed to be the cause of ridicule.
'Why can't they leave me alone?' he asked himself. 'Why?'
Snaps leaned over and whispered in Matt's ear. "Look at that thing on his head! I should take a picture of it!"
"Why?" Matt asked.
"Because it looks like a bunch of pidgeys are nesting in his hair! Ahahahahahaha!" Snaps replied, making Gohan burst... into giggles. Matt joined in, and it was all one big laugh-at-MacGuyver fest. How enjoyable.
Gohan, who had suddenly become tired of laughing at MacGuyver's humorous hair, remembered that the reason they had stopped at McDonalds in the first place was so that dinner could be purchased. He jumped to his feet with a shout, and called the Dragon Ball searchers to attention.
"Hey everyone! I think we need to order our dinner now", he told them.
"Alright, I want a large fries and a large Fanta", said Buffy. "And a Big Mac that has an extra layer."
There was a collective gasp.
"What?" asked Buffy, defensively. "I'm just not very hungry right now."
"Ok", said Gohan, trying to hurry everyone along. He scribbled Buffy's order in his handy dandy notebook, which he'd bought after viewing the Blue's Clues Variety Hour two weeks earlier. "We need to do this quickly. When I point to you, tell me your dinner request. Then I'll order for us so that everything goes as smoothly as possible."
Gohan pointed to Snaps. Snaps jumped to attention, very excited about getting to order first. As he was dim, he'd already forgotten that Buffy beat him to it. What a dumbass.
"I want... hmm, what do I want? I could have... no, I'm not in the mood for that. Could I, hum, maybe. Errr, I think I want a, a, a, hmmmm..." Snaps was having a very difficult time deciding what he wanted for dinner.
Before Snaps could become too annoying Clark grabbed him, shook him very hard, and kicked him in the groin. Snaps, writhing on the floor in intense pain, whispered to Gohan that he would be happy with a small fries, a coke, and a Happy Meal toy, preferably something with Hamburglar on it.
While all of this had been going on Buffy had secretly grabbed the handy dandy notebook and added two sundaes (one caramel and one chocolate) to her order. She then returned said notebook to Gohan. Nobody noticed.
A few seconds after Buffy did something naughty (I'm talking about the notebook stealing and order altering, man you people are sick!) Gohan wrote Snaps' order in his handy dandy notebook, then pointed to Clark. The sooner he made his order the sooner it would be that he sat down, and the sooner he would be away from the more normal people.
Clark didn't have to think, as he had bought the same food from McDonalds every time he'd ever been there.
"I'll have a Fillet of Fish burger and a Fanta", he said. He sounded much too evil for someone whose life purpose was meant to be to fight evil.
There was another collective gasp.
"What are you doing?" Gee hissed at Clark. "A Fillet of Fish burger when eaten with a Fanta represents evil!"
"I've told you this a million times, Clark", Lois told him. "Do NOT have Fillet of Fish burgers with Fanta!"
"I just can't order that. Mr McDonald will think that we're going to rob his restaurant. We'll be arrested!" said Gohan, sounding oh-so-fearful. "You can have one or the other, but not both, NEVER both."
Clark was very angry. He had heard this before, and he could never understand exactly why they couldn't be eaten together.
"Fine then!" he shouted. "I'll have a McChicken burger and Fanta!"
There was a third and hopefully final collective gasp.
"What?!" Clark yelled at them, his face turning purple. "Does chicken and Fanta mean that I'm a mass murderer who's going to chop everybody into little bloody cubes?"
The gasping crew laughed nervously.
"Of course not", replied MacGuyver. "It's just that chicken and Fanta taste like mould together. You should really think about that."
Clark was a little embarrassed. He began to rethink his evil plans, but then he remembered that he is infact evil, and that his plans should not be rethought.
"Fine then", Clark said, trying to keep himself under control. "I'll have a Fanta." He'd had a craving for Fanta ever since he'd been told he couldn't have one.
Gohan wrote Clark's order down, then pointed to Wheeler who had just returned from the bathroom without Linka.
Wheeler looked befuddled. "Why are you pointing to me?" he asked Gohan.
"He wants to know what you want for dinner", Marti explained.
"Oh", said Wheeler. "In that case, I'll have a, uh, ummm... hmm."
"Look, don't you start that shit too!" Clark warned, and he fixed Wheeler with an evil glare.
"Leave me alone fag, I'm just trying to bloody well decide!" Wheeler screamed at Clark, splattering his face with saliva.
Clark was extremely grossed out by this. So grossed out, in fact, that he couldn't continue the fight without first going to the bathroom to wash off his face. He ran with stealth (maybe he used to be a spy) to the hidden arena for a facial cleansing.
Wheeler, still trying to decide on a dinner purchase, had begun dancing an Irish jig at a very rapid pace, as it had often helped him make important decisions in the past.
"Now, dinner", he said, with a little difficulty, as it's hard to speak and dance an Irish jig at the same time. "What do I want? A Quarter Pounder? No, not today. Maybe a cheeseburger? No, I rather think not, I had three and a half yesterday. Hmm..."
By this time an audience made up of the Dragon Ball searchers, some of the other restaurant patrons, a few people from outside who had been walking past and glanced in the window, and Ronald McDonald who was eating a soft serve cone had all gathered around to watch Wheeler jig his way into making a decision about his dinner. Although enjoying the attention he was getting, Wheeler could barely glance at the adoring crowd before once again thinking about his dilemma.
"Hmm, maybe I should just get a large fries", he said loudly so that his audience could marvel at his skill of pondering dinner plans, talking aloud, and dancing an Irish jig all at the same time. "But then I might still be hungry. It's been thirteen hours since I last ate. Wait, I've got it!"
Disclaimer: No, I don't own McDonalds. Thank God. And I am actually aware of the fact that Ronald McDonald doesn't usually work at the counter.
***
Mulder spoke up for the first time in what seemed to the other bus passengers like ages.
"McDonalds? This is where my friend lives! His name is Ronald! I remember the first time I met him, when I was but a little, wee lad. He seems to move house all the time though. He's always at every McDonalds that I go to."
Mulder appeared to be very excited about being at McDonalds; more so than he should have been.
Everyone departed the bus, as they had not eaten since before they had arrived at the nameless field, many hours earlier, and also because it was dinnertime. As they filed into the restaurant Gohan began to wonder how exactly he was going to order for fifteen people.
"This is just asking for trouble", he said quietly.
Buffy and Spike, having their super duper supernatural hearing could easily hear him. Fortunately they didn't give a crap about Gohan, midget extraordinaire. Spike was too busy gazing longingly at Buffy's chest, and Buffy was too busy enjoying it.
All of those in search of the Dragon Balls sat down in booths, taking up most of the left side of the restaurant. Buffy and Spike sat down on one said of a booth after agreeing to sit together. Riley was next to gallop into the room. He spotted Spike and Buffy, then manoeuvred his fat stomach to fit underneath the table so that he could sit on the other side of their booth. Spike and Buffy both shot each other desperate looks, but there was nothing that could be done.
In the booth behind them Lois and Clark, the happy couple, were being unsuitably friendly for a family restaurant. Clark, the third wheel, sat on the other side of their booth.
'That Mulder dies tonight', Clark thought, rubbing his Wellington-covered feet together. 'Only then will I get my true love Ronald McDonald to love me the way he should.'
Clark looked wistfully over at Mr McDonald, who was handing a small boy some fries. The small boy was Matt, but Clark, being the obsessive psychotic that he is, didn't realise.
Matt was becoming worried. Crazy Clark had been staring at him for a long time, ever since he had ordered his fries from the lovely young man with red hair and unnaturally pale skin.
'I don't think I'll go anywhere near that guy anymore', Matt thought.
In another booth Quami, Gee and Marti sat on one side, and Linka sat next to Wheeler on the other side, her tongue in his ear. Wheeler moaned. If Scully hadn't been killed several hours earlier she certainly would have been making some scientific observations.
"I just don't know what I'm in the mood for", Gee said, looking at the large menu mounted above the counter.
Wheeler laughed, but because of Linka's present activity it sounded more like a cross between a gasp and a hiccup.
"I know exactly what I'm in the mood for", he murmured. He then quickly got to his feet, dragging Linka with him. "We are going to the bathroom", he told the remaining Planeteers. "Order me whatever, I'm not that hungry..."
The others nodded. They were used to this kind of behaviour from Linka and Wheeler. It was nothing new.
"Now that there's more room over there I think I might sit on the other side", Marti told the other, less perverted (apparently) Planeteers. "That flashlight that Quami always carries in case of emergencies is digging into my leg."
As Marti swapped sides in the booth, Gee stared at Quami, who blushed in an interesting, Pokémon-style way.
"That would have come in handy so many times! Why didn't you tell us before that you always carry a flashlight?" Gee asked Quami.
"Um... it's my own personal flashlight", Quami replied, as embarrassed as can be.
Gee was a little unbelieving.
"Are you sure you have a flashlight?" she asked.
Quami was worried. Could they know his secret? No, of course not. He answered, as calm as could be, "Yes. Yes I do."
Like so many times in history, ageism had an effect on the situation, as Matt, Gohan and Snaps sat with MacGuyver in a booth near the counter. And I say ageism, because the three boys were making fun of MacGuyver's hair as he pretended to read a newspaper. Inside, however, their harsh words cut him deeply. His hair always seemed to be the cause of ridicule.
'Why can't they leave me alone?' he asked himself. 'Why?'
Snaps leaned over and whispered in Matt's ear. "Look at that thing on his head! I should take a picture of it!"
"Why?" Matt asked.
"Because it looks like a bunch of pidgeys are nesting in his hair! Ahahahahahaha!" Snaps replied, making Gohan burst... into giggles. Matt joined in, and it was all one big laugh-at-MacGuyver fest. How enjoyable.
Gohan, who had suddenly become tired of laughing at MacGuyver's humorous hair, remembered that the reason they had stopped at McDonalds in the first place was so that dinner could be purchased. He jumped to his feet with a shout, and called the Dragon Ball searchers to attention.
"Hey everyone! I think we need to order our dinner now", he told them.
"Alright, I want a large fries and a large Fanta", said Buffy. "And a Big Mac that has an extra layer."
There was a collective gasp.
"What?" asked Buffy, defensively. "I'm just not very hungry right now."
"Ok", said Gohan, trying to hurry everyone along. He scribbled Buffy's order in his handy dandy notebook, which he'd bought after viewing the Blue's Clues Variety Hour two weeks earlier. "We need to do this quickly. When I point to you, tell me your dinner request. Then I'll order for us so that everything goes as smoothly as possible."
Gohan pointed to Snaps. Snaps jumped to attention, very excited about getting to order first. As he was dim, he'd already forgotten that Buffy beat him to it. What a dumbass.
"I want... hmm, what do I want? I could have... no, I'm not in the mood for that. Could I, hum, maybe. Errr, I think I want a, a, a, hmmmm..." Snaps was having a very difficult time deciding what he wanted for dinner.
Before Snaps could become too annoying Clark grabbed him, shook him very hard, and kicked him in the groin. Snaps, writhing on the floor in intense pain, whispered to Gohan that he would be happy with a small fries, a coke, and a Happy Meal toy, preferably something with Hamburglar on it.
While all of this had been going on Buffy had secretly grabbed the handy dandy notebook and added two sundaes (one caramel and one chocolate) to her order. She then returned said notebook to Gohan. Nobody noticed.
A few seconds after Buffy did something naughty (I'm talking about the notebook stealing and order altering, man you people are sick!) Gohan wrote Snaps' order in his handy dandy notebook, then pointed to Clark. The sooner he made his order the sooner it would be that he sat down, and the sooner he would be away from the more normal people.
Clark didn't have to think, as he had bought the same food from McDonalds every time he'd ever been there.
"I'll have a Fillet of Fish burger and a Fanta", he said. He sounded much too evil for someone whose life purpose was meant to be to fight evil.
There was another collective gasp.
"What are you doing?" Gee hissed at Clark. "A Fillet of Fish burger when eaten with a Fanta represents evil!"
"I've told you this a million times, Clark", Lois told him. "Do NOT have Fillet of Fish burgers with Fanta!"
"I just can't order that. Mr McDonald will think that we're going to rob his restaurant. We'll be arrested!" said Gohan, sounding oh-so-fearful. "You can have one or the other, but not both, NEVER both."
Clark was very angry. He had heard this before, and he could never understand exactly why they couldn't be eaten together.
"Fine then!" he shouted. "I'll have a McChicken burger and Fanta!"
There was a third and hopefully final collective gasp.
"What?!" Clark yelled at them, his face turning purple. "Does chicken and Fanta mean that I'm a mass murderer who's going to chop everybody into little bloody cubes?"
The gasping crew laughed nervously.
"Of course not", replied MacGuyver. "It's just that chicken and Fanta taste like mould together. You should really think about that."
Clark was a little embarrassed. He began to rethink his evil plans, but then he remembered that he is infact evil, and that his plans should not be rethought.
"Fine then", Clark said, trying to keep himself under control. "I'll have a Fanta." He'd had a craving for Fanta ever since he'd been told he couldn't have one.
Gohan wrote Clark's order down, then pointed to Wheeler who had just returned from the bathroom without Linka.
Wheeler looked befuddled. "Why are you pointing to me?" he asked Gohan.
"He wants to know what you want for dinner", Marti explained.
"Oh", said Wheeler. "In that case, I'll have a, uh, ummm... hmm."
"Look, don't you start that shit too!" Clark warned, and he fixed Wheeler with an evil glare.
"Leave me alone fag, I'm just trying to bloody well decide!" Wheeler screamed at Clark, splattering his face with saliva.
Clark was extremely grossed out by this. So grossed out, in fact, that he couldn't continue the fight without first going to the bathroom to wash off his face. He ran with stealth (maybe he used to be a spy) to the hidden arena for a facial cleansing.
Wheeler, still trying to decide on a dinner purchase, had begun dancing an Irish jig at a very rapid pace, as it had often helped him make important decisions in the past.
"Now, dinner", he said, with a little difficulty, as it's hard to speak and dance an Irish jig at the same time. "What do I want? A Quarter Pounder? No, not today. Maybe a cheeseburger? No, I rather think not, I had three and a half yesterday. Hmm..."
By this time an audience made up of the Dragon Ball searchers, some of the other restaurant patrons, a few people from outside who had been walking past and glanced in the window, and Ronald McDonald who was eating a soft serve cone had all gathered around to watch Wheeler jig his way into making a decision about his dinner. Although enjoying the attention he was getting, Wheeler could barely glance at the adoring crowd before once again thinking about his dilemma.
"Hmm, maybe I should just get a large fries", he said loudly so that his audience could marvel at his skill of pondering dinner plans, talking aloud, and dancing an Irish jig all at the same time. "But then I might still be hungry. It's been thirteen hours since I last ate. Wait, I've got it!"