aznchika: Alas! I'm finally working on this once again! Thxs to, of
course, all my reviewers... wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for you!!!
First things first, I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed for me... so
yes, I am going to list every single person and how many times they
reviewed =)... *ahem* here I go... (in no particular order, expect for the
very last person...)
Siu_Sam_Siu - 1
Rinny - 1
Mandy - 12
TerraQuest - 1
Devil.Child - 6
Hotaru9 - 9
Quistis88 - 7
Michelle - 1
Sita Silver Breeze - 1
Sakura-Chan - 1
Dalpal - 2
Alonia Everclear - 8
Anon - 1
Lili-chan - 2
grrl gamer - 1
Ling-San - 1
needhk03 - 1
Katsa5 - 1
Mataji - 2
Idoia - 1
Rinoa - 3
miranda - 1
Sakura^^ - 1
Dragoness Eve - 1
Shukumeiko - 1
Subway monkey - 1
Heavenz Little Angel - 7
METATTEM - 4
Dementedlittlehippy - 1
Lady Storm - 1
Ruilyn - 1
Quistis Almasy - 2
SilverGriever - 2
ruz - 2
Slrmoon-1
dee - 1
saiyan goddess - 1
Caterchipillar - 1
frienzy - 1
Sqaull's girl - 1
sy - 1
icy breeze 087 (in his brother Outlaw's account... ^.^) - 1
Ali-1
Animak - 1
AW - 1
And last, but certainly not least... the person who reviewed the most... (almost one every chapter.) Drum roll please! ... ... ... is... SEYENAIDNI!!! With 14 reviews!
Once again, thank you everyone for such wonderful reviews! You're all too kind! Anyway, might as well go on with the story before I blab some more...
- - - - -
Lost. I had lost. I was lost. Ina dark void, I was engulfed. Pain. Torture. Hatred. Anger. Suffering. Dismay. Regret. The biggest one would be regret. How could I let myself do such a thing? Why did I bother to ask when I already knew the answer. Stupidity. I had lost Seifer. Why? Because I failed to realize that Squall had never loved me. I failed to see that, and as a consequence, I lost Seifer... forever.
It has been six months since Seifer left that day. Some were happy, most didn't care, a few - - female students, shall I mention - - were saddened, but as for I, Quistis Trepe, it was the worst crisis I had to face in my life. I knew I didn't deserve him. I knew he deserved someone better than I, but one thing troubled me most. I never knew - - until I had lost him - - how much I needed him.
Seifer, lapdog, arrogant, cocky, Sorceress' Knight, all those led to one thing. He was trouble. It's strange how some girls seem to be attracted to 'bad boys'. At first, I would care less about him. He was just another one of my students. One that I would need to discipline. At first, I thought he was just one of those players. Flirting with every girl and using each and every one of them for his own desire. But I was wrong, He rarely flirted with his fellow classmates. Apparently, he was 'too good' for them. He rarely paid attention in class, disobeyed orders, almost always wore that wretched smirk, and vandalized everything with his famous fire cross. On occasions, he would often play pranks on me in front of the class to humiliate me. But because my class were mainly all 'Trepies' they dared not to laugh at me.
Because h couldn't follow orders, he didn't make it to SeeD. First, I felt pity for him. He always had a cocky and arrogant attitude, but somehow I knew he was just a lost little boy trying to find the right path. But my sympathy towards him diminished when I found out it was because of him, that stripped me of my Instructor's licence. I hated him.
Then the Sorceress Wars incident. He was used. Betrayed. He was possessed. I STILL hated him. But after the defeat of Ultimecia and the Time Compression, I forgot about him. Didn't remember he existed... that is... until my friends were talking about him.
"After Time Compression, what happened to Seifer?" I recalled Rinoa asking me. At first I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. Then suddenly, some of it came back to me. Blonde hair, scar, handsome face... I actually smiled when I remembered that. From that short memory, I had a desire. I wanted him, but then the rest of the memories came back.
"I don't fukkin' care!" I spat at Rinoa and stormed off.
After Time Compression, I saw him again. It was at that nightclub the gang forced me to go. For some odd reason, I ran after him the moment I saw him. He asked me to recommend him back into the garden. I brushed it aside later on. However, that night, I felt like a little girl with a big crush, but did not want to admit it. It was probably because he protected me from those guys who were trying to kill him.
I went to Deling for a week the next day. I couldn't take thinking about him anymore. I rented a small house there. It wasn't until later on did I find out that Seifer was living there too. - - It's strange how his posse weren't with him. Come to think about it, he never did mention about his posse. - - Anyway, when I found out that Seifer was my roommate, I went to get a job. I found one at a local bar. Again, it wasn't later till I found out Seifer worked there too. I met two really nice people there. Aliandra, and Mike. I also met that slut I hated ever so much, Tauliana. Seifer got hurt one night. I didn't know why then, but it really hurt me to see him in pain. I also saw him shirtless for the first time. With his muscular chest and well-formed abs, any girl would just melt. Hw was beyond sexy! Later on, he saved me from a pervert at the bar, thus we both got fired. I kissed him that night too. I guess, it was a token of thanks, but secretly, I enjoyed it... a lot.
Another day, it rained and I was out. When came home drenched, I was horrified when I found out that there was no power. To top that, I didn't have any clean clothes to wear. I asked him if I could wear his clothes, but apparently his were all in the washer. He did five me his shirt - - that he was wearing - - and trademark trench coat for me to wear. Later that night, I took his blanket 'cause it was freezing. It was cold and I needed more warmth. So he snuggled in with me. It felt really good. I loved it. After my little vacation, I went back to the garden, only with Seifer. So I recommended him back into the garden... I guess it was because I felt like I was in debt to him.
When I returned, Squall had planned a party for me. Or so he said. I was ecstatic! I thought I could finally have him once and for all. It turned out that he proposed to Rinoa instead. I was hear broken. My heart broke apart and shattered into millions of pieces. I needed some way to get out. So I got drunk.
The next day, I woke up with Seifer beside me... in bed... naked. I was frightened. How could I let myself do such a horrid thing?! But all thought of it vanquished when I realized I had my Instructor's Exam in a few minutes. So I bolted out and took my exam. I did terrible on it. In fact, I failed miserably. Eventually, the gang found out Seifer was back, and I was the one who recommended him back. Zell was terribly angry with me. But I didn't really care, because that's when I realized that I had fallen in love with Seifer... or so I thought. The next day, Seifer took me out to the carnival, and won me Sibbie. The Siberian plushie, at that nearly impossible game. After the carnival, we went to the Secret Area, and that's where Squall and Rinoa 'broke up'. In a way, I was happy, at that time. But then again, I am always confused as ever.
Next, I found out Seifer's SeeD exam was rescheduled, to the next day. He was gone for three days. And during that three days, I fell for Squall once more. I failed myself. I failed Seifer. I failed miserably. I hate myself for that. Seifer eventually came back, and found out about my feelings for Squall. And that's when he left me. In fact, he left Balamb Garden completely. I would probably never see him again.
After he left, a couple days later, Cid told me he was going to put a new student into Seifer's dorm room - - since he left, and since I still have his card key, I've taken residence in his room - - I argued with Cid. I was terribly angry at him. Why couldn't he just let me stay in Seifer's room? Why couldn't he just give that student my room? Or some other room? Of course, I knew why. Cid would NEVER let a female student have a dorm room in the male side of the garden. It would be forbidden. It was forbidden. But since he wouldn't let me, I just stayed in the room and locked myself in it. After a few months of battling my stubborn behaviour, he had won. I was forced back into my own room and the new student got Seifer's room. Now, every time I saw that student, I would always yell at him. I know it's wrong to, but I just couldn't stand someone else taking Seifer's room. But lately, I did stop yelling at that kid. Guess I've grown up.
I don't stay in my room all day anymore. I didn't bother taking the re- test for my Instructor's Licence. I didn't have motivation to. Selphie wanted me to, but I refused. Selphie often comes visiting me, even after I yelled at her that night Seifer left. Selphie's a wonderful friend, and I'm glad that I have her as my friend. As for the rest of the gang, I stopped talking to Squall and Rinoa completely. Rinoa, I guess, is afraid of me. And Squall, I guess he just doesn't care. The only ones I talk to in the garden are only Selphie, Irvine, Zell, Elena - - Zell's girlfriend - -, Matron, and on rare occasions - - usually when I have to - - Cid. I don't talk to anyone else.
Selphie and I have gotten closer now. When I locked myself in my room, it was her that brought me food, and it was her that made me get back onto my feet. It was her, that helped me through this tough time. In my slow progression of getting out of my room, and letting myself be engulfed by the sunlight once again, Zell slowly came back into my life. He helped me to become more active. He was the one who always brought me to the Training Centre, or the fields of Balamb to fight. At first, I seemed to always die - - even against the weakest enemies - - it was as if I was new at fighting. Zell had to use Phoenix Downs on my often, and would sometimes take all the attacks. But I did - - eventually - - become stronger. After becoming like a normal person again, it was Matron who helped me get rid of some of my pain. It was as if she was my psychiatrist. But she really helped me. I have a lot of regret in me now, but I'm glad to say I have less pain than before. Irvine came back to my life the same time I finally decided to crawl out of my dark hole. Mainly, the only reason Irvine and I are still friends are because of Selphie. She tries to help me strengthen my old friendships. She also helped my friendship with Elena grow stronger.
As for Squall and Rinoa. I don't talk to them anymore, and I don't see them anymore. Last I heard - - from Selphie, after I threatened to hurt her if she didn't tell me - - they got married, and moved to Winhill. And, truth was, Rinoa WAS actually pregnant. Now, I believe, they're living quite happily there. I guess I'm happy for them. But that doesn't mean I won't forget about what they did to me.
Fate sure is a funny thing. I don't know why, but I seem to always think back to Seifer. It's funny how the first time I saw him again, I thought I needed a vacation, so I would NEVER see him again. Turns out, I go to the same city he's in, I live in the same house as he, and I get a job at the same place that he works at. It's weird to me, but I guess, maybe the heavens and Hyne are just trying to tease me. But I guess I deserve this cruel fate. This cruel, heartless fate. I guess I deserve every bit of it.
Often, I close my eyes, and think back. I sometimes wished it never happened. None of it happened. I wished I were just some ordinary girl. Starting from when I was born. I sometimes wished I had a real family. A mom, a dad, another sibling, and possibly, even a pet. I wished I grew up and enrolled in a normal school. I wished I never became a mercenary. I just wished I was normal. I didn't want to be a 'hero'. Being a 'hero' did change my life, but all I can say is that it changed my life for the worse. I haven't felt more terrible in my whole life. I just wished I could let it all go. I wish I could just fly to somewhere deserted. And all that would be there is me, and my hopes and dreams. All of it mine.
Some people believe that to achieve your hopes and dreams, is to die. But I'm not like that, I know better. I know that when you die, you solve nothing. When you die on purpose, you just wasted your life, and now have another regret. I know this. Dying is not the answer to anything. That is why, I haven't done any such thing. Though, even in my darkest hours - - when I think about all the good times I had with Seifer, and realizing that I can't have them anymore - - I do think of suicide. I do think it might be the answer. It's because I can't think of anything else. It's 'cause I won't allow myself to think of anything else. And that is why it creeps into my mind.
I've told Edea about these thoughts. She consoled with me. She guided me. And she told me something I will always keep to heart, "Life is precious, it's like a rare gemstone that can only be found in your heart. When something good happens, the gemstone will glow, when something bad happens, the gemstone will fade into a dark shade of black. But if one is strong enough to keep the gemstone glowing, one will always be happy." It didn't really mean anything to me when I first heard it, but she told me to say that to myself every morning right after I woke up, and every night, just before I went to bed. After that phrase, she told me to repeat these lines five times right after it, "I am happy. I feel good. I'm glad to be who I am." At first, I thought I was just something stupid. But I did say those lines. It didn't do anything. I told Edea that, and she made me say it with enthusiasm. Though at first, it was all fake, however, as time passed, it actually meant something to me. And for once, I felt good about myself.
Now, I feel like just closing my eyes and resting. I wonder if I'll have that dream again. Lately, I've had this weird - - but wonderful - - dream. I'm floating in the sky, and below me, are fields of flowers. Pink ones, blue ones, green, yellow, red, orange, purple, and even multi-coloured flowers are everywhere. Slowly, I will fall from the sky and land in this beautiful haven. And I'll close my eyes. Next thing I know, I wake up. And that is how I start every day. It will be good day, I say to myself.
* * *
"Quistis! You're up early!" Selphie exclaimed happily.
Irvine nodded in approval, and continued eating his breakfast. Zell and Elena were no where in sight, but I was guessing they were probably in the Training Centre. Zell had somehow convinced her to try become a SeeD - - though I thought she was a little old to start training as SeeD , but I was wrong. Elena was actually quite good at fighting, of course, with help from Zell. She had picked the staff to be her weapon of choice - -.
"I just had that dream again." I explained to Selphie.
"Ooooh! The flower field one? Aww! I wish I had a dream like that! It'd be cool!" She smiled happily. I giggled at her slightly.
"So Quistis, any more 'thoughts'?" Irvine asked quietly.
Those 'thoughts' as they put it, were my thoughts of Seifer. I told them quite a few times that I missed him, and I wanted to see him again, but I never told them that I actually wanted to go find him. All I needed was a little reassurance and approval from them.
"Actually, yes I have."
"You know what I think?" Selphie began as we both stared at her cautiously. "I think you should go find him!" She smiled victoriously for some odd reason.
"Selphie... I don't know if that's a good idea." I heard Irvine mumble to her.
"What do you mean Irvypoo? Look at her! She obviously still cares for him. So I say, go out and look for him!" She said unhappily at the disproval from Irvine.
"Actually... to tell you guys the truth, I actually DID think about going to look for him." I admitted.
"Booyaka! I was right! Ha! See Irvy! I was just saying what she needed and wanted to hear!" She exclaimed and jumped around in the cafeteria, despite the few people staring at her awkwardly.
"You think so...?" I questioned. I wasn't too sure if it was the right choice. I mean, what if I couldn't find him? What if he mysteriously died? What if he found someone else? Or what if he rejected me?
"Well, I guess it's not a bad idea." Irvine stated.
"But where would I look first? And what would I say to him when I found him?" I asked, mainly to Selphie. She looked at me for a moment or two, without saying anything - - probably because she didn't know - - but Irvine saved her and spoke.
"Quistis I say, you should go where your heart says for you to go. I'm sure you could find him that way."
"Go where my heart says..." I mumbled, half to myself, half to the air.
"I know! I think he would be somewhere close to Raijin and Fujin!" Selphie said, in her usually perky tune.
"You mean..." Irvine started, but I finished it off for him.
"Fisherman's Horizon?"
"Booyaka!" She replied happily.
"I guess... he could be there..." I smiled.
Then I thanked them and went to my room to pack. (Fisherman's Horizon... I guess... he COULD be there... but now, I'll just have to go there and see for myself... but the main problem... might be... how to get out of the garden without Cid knowing, or telling him in a calm way, that I was going to find Seifer... maybe it's better to tell Matron about it) I thought as I quickly packed up my belongings.
- - - - -
aznchika: There! Is chapter 16, continuation of my story! So everyone should be happy right ? yay!!! (though I do know you're all just PRETENDING to be happy, so I don't feel bad...) Anyway, I'd like to do some advertising. and I guess, self-promoting stuff... well, I'll let my bishes tell you!
Hotohori: *gulp* Well... Have you read her other stories?
Amiboshi: Yes... that's right, her other stories...
Hotohori: They're called...
Amiboshi: Complicated Love, which is her newest one...
Hotohori: It's slightly AU, and it's mainly a Zell/Quistis/Seifer triangle...
Amiboshi: And other minor triangles..
Hotohori: I don't want to say this anymore!!!
aznchika: *pushes something into Hotohori's back* Say it!
Hotohori: *gulp*
aznchika: SAY IT!!!
Amiboshi: Just say it! You'll get us both killed!
aznchika: Time's ticking!
Hotohori: *takes a deep breath*
Chichiri: *still playing FF8 on her playstation* oh puh-leze! All she's holding is a stick! You people are silly, no da!
Ami & Hoti: WHAT?! *turns around and see aznchika holding a stick behind their back*
aznchika: ummm, this is a bad time to say... I was just kidding isn't it?
Hoti & Ami: *start chasing aznchika around*
Chichiri: Strange people, no da!
Siu_Sam_Siu - 1
Rinny - 1
Mandy - 12
TerraQuest - 1
Devil.Child - 6
Hotaru9 - 9
Quistis88 - 7
Michelle - 1
Sita Silver Breeze - 1
Sakura-Chan - 1
Dalpal - 2
Alonia Everclear - 8
Anon - 1
Lili-chan - 2
grrl gamer - 1
Ling-San - 1
needhk03 - 1
Katsa5 - 1
Mataji - 2
Idoia - 1
Rinoa - 3
miranda - 1
Sakura^^ - 1
Dragoness Eve - 1
Shukumeiko - 1
Subway monkey - 1
Heavenz Little Angel - 7
METATTEM - 4
Dementedlittlehippy - 1
Lady Storm - 1
Ruilyn - 1
Quistis Almasy - 2
SilverGriever - 2
ruz - 2
Slrmoon-1
dee - 1
saiyan goddess - 1
Caterchipillar - 1
frienzy - 1
Sqaull's girl - 1
sy - 1
icy breeze 087 (in his brother Outlaw's account... ^.^) - 1
Ali-1
Animak - 1
AW - 1
And last, but certainly not least... the person who reviewed the most... (almost one every chapter.) Drum roll please! ... ... ... is... SEYENAIDNI!!! With 14 reviews!
Once again, thank you everyone for such wonderful reviews! You're all too kind! Anyway, might as well go on with the story before I blab some more...
- - - - -
Lost. I had lost. I was lost. Ina dark void, I was engulfed. Pain. Torture. Hatred. Anger. Suffering. Dismay. Regret. The biggest one would be regret. How could I let myself do such a thing? Why did I bother to ask when I already knew the answer. Stupidity. I had lost Seifer. Why? Because I failed to realize that Squall had never loved me. I failed to see that, and as a consequence, I lost Seifer... forever.
It has been six months since Seifer left that day. Some were happy, most didn't care, a few - - female students, shall I mention - - were saddened, but as for I, Quistis Trepe, it was the worst crisis I had to face in my life. I knew I didn't deserve him. I knew he deserved someone better than I, but one thing troubled me most. I never knew - - until I had lost him - - how much I needed him.
Seifer, lapdog, arrogant, cocky, Sorceress' Knight, all those led to one thing. He was trouble. It's strange how some girls seem to be attracted to 'bad boys'. At first, I would care less about him. He was just another one of my students. One that I would need to discipline. At first, I thought he was just one of those players. Flirting with every girl and using each and every one of them for his own desire. But I was wrong, He rarely flirted with his fellow classmates. Apparently, he was 'too good' for them. He rarely paid attention in class, disobeyed orders, almost always wore that wretched smirk, and vandalized everything with his famous fire cross. On occasions, he would often play pranks on me in front of the class to humiliate me. But because my class were mainly all 'Trepies' they dared not to laugh at me.
Because h couldn't follow orders, he didn't make it to SeeD. First, I felt pity for him. He always had a cocky and arrogant attitude, but somehow I knew he was just a lost little boy trying to find the right path. But my sympathy towards him diminished when I found out it was because of him, that stripped me of my Instructor's licence. I hated him.
Then the Sorceress Wars incident. He was used. Betrayed. He was possessed. I STILL hated him. But after the defeat of Ultimecia and the Time Compression, I forgot about him. Didn't remember he existed... that is... until my friends were talking about him.
"After Time Compression, what happened to Seifer?" I recalled Rinoa asking me. At first I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. Then suddenly, some of it came back to me. Blonde hair, scar, handsome face... I actually smiled when I remembered that. From that short memory, I had a desire. I wanted him, but then the rest of the memories came back.
"I don't fukkin' care!" I spat at Rinoa and stormed off.
After Time Compression, I saw him again. It was at that nightclub the gang forced me to go. For some odd reason, I ran after him the moment I saw him. He asked me to recommend him back into the garden. I brushed it aside later on. However, that night, I felt like a little girl with a big crush, but did not want to admit it. It was probably because he protected me from those guys who were trying to kill him.
I went to Deling for a week the next day. I couldn't take thinking about him anymore. I rented a small house there. It wasn't until later on did I find out that Seifer was living there too. - - It's strange how his posse weren't with him. Come to think about it, he never did mention about his posse. - - Anyway, when I found out that Seifer was my roommate, I went to get a job. I found one at a local bar. Again, it wasn't later till I found out Seifer worked there too. I met two really nice people there. Aliandra, and Mike. I also met that slut I hated ever so much, Tauliana. Seifer got hurt one night. I didn't know why then, but it really hurt me to see him in pain. I also saw him shirtless for the first time. With his muscular chest and well-formed abs, any girl would just melt. Hw was beyond sexy! Later on, he saved me from a pervert at the bar, thus we both got fired. I kissed him that night too. I guess, it was a token of thanks, but secretly, I enjoyed it... a lot.
Another day, it rained and I was out. When came home drenched, I was horrified when I found out that there was no power. To top that, I didn't have any clean clothes to wear. I asked him if I could wear his clothes, but apparently his were all in the washer. He did five me his shirt - - that he was wearing - - and trademark trench coat for me to wear. Later that night, I took his blanket 'cause it was freezing. It was cold and I needed more warmth. So he snuggled in with me. It felt really good. I loved it. After my little vacation, I went back to the garden, only with Seifer. So I recommended him back into the garden... I guess it was because I felt like I was in debt to him.
When I returned, Squall had planned a party for me. Or so he said. I was ecstatic! I thought I could finally have him once and for all. It turned out that he proposed to Rinoa instead. I was hear broken. My heart broke apart and shattered into millions of pieces. I needed some way to get out. So I got drunk.
The next day, I woke up with Seifer beside me... in bed... naked. I was frightened. How could I let myself do such a horrid thing?! But all thought of it vanquished when I realized I had my Instructor's Exam in a few minutes. So I bolted out and took my exam. I did terrible on it. In fact, I failed miserably. Eventually, the gang found out Seifer was back, and I was the one who recommended him back. Zell was terribly angry with me. But I didn't really care, because that's when I realized that I had fallen in love with Seifer... or so I thought. The next day, Seifer took me out to the carnival, and won me Sibbie. The Siberian plushie, at that nearly impossible game. After the carnival, we went to the Secret Area, and that's where Squall and Rinoa 'broke up'. In a way, I was happy, at that time. But then again, I am always confused as ever.
Next, I found out Seifer's SeeD exam was rescheduled, to the next day. He was gone for three days. And during that three days, I fell for Squall once more. I failed myself. I failed Seifer. I failed miserably. I hate myself for that. Seifer eventually came back, and found out about my feelings for Squall. And that's when he left me. In fact, he left Balamb Garden completely. I would probably never see him again.
After he left, a couple days later, Cid told me he was going to put a new student into Seifer's dorm room - - since he left, and since I still have his card key, I've taken residence in his room - - I argued with Cid. I was terribly angry at him. Why couldn't he just let me stay in Seifer's room? Why couldn't he just give that student my room? Or some other room? Of course, I knew why. Cid would NEVER let a female student have a dorm room in the male side of the garden. It would be forbidden. It was forbidden. But since he wouldn't let me, I just stayed in the room and locked myself in it. After a few months of battling my stubborn behaviour, he had won. I was forced back into my own room and the new student got Seifer's room. Now, every time I saw that student, I would always yell at him. I know it's wrong to, but I just couldn't stand someone else taking Seifer's room. But lately, I did stop yelling at that kid. Guess I've grown up.
I don't stay in my room all day anymore. I didn't bother taking the re- test for my Instructor's Licence. I didn't have motivation to. Selphie wanted me to, but I refused. Selphie often comes visiting me, even after I yelled at her that night Seifer left. Selphie's a wonderful friend, and I'm glad that I have her as my friend. As for the rest of the gang, I stopped talking to Squall and Rinoa completely. Rinoa, I guess, is afraid of me. And Squall, I guess he just doesn't care. The only ones I talk to in the garden are only Selphie, Irvine, Zell, Elena - - Zell's girlfriend - -, Matron, and on rare occasions - - usually when I have to - - Cid. I don't talk to anyone else.
Selphie and I have gotten closer now. When I locked myself in my room, it was her that brought me food, and it was her that made me get back onto my feet. It was her, that helped me through this tough time. In my slow progression of getting out of my room, and letting myself be engulfed by the sunlight once again, Zell slowly came back into my life. He helped me to become more active. He was the one who always brought me to the Training Centre, or the fields of Balamb to fight. At first, I seemed to always die - - even against the weakest enemies - - it was as if I was new at fighting. Zell had to use Phoenix Downs on my often, and would sometimes take all the attacks. But I did - - eventually - - become stronger. After becoming like a normal person again, it was Matron who helped me get rid of some of my pain. It was as if she was my psychiatrist. But she really helped me. I have a lot of regret in me now, but I'm glad to say I have less pain than before. Irvine came back to my life the same time I finally decided to crawl out of my dark hole. Mainly, the only reason Irvine and I are still friends are because of Selphie. She tries to help me strengthen my old friendships. She also helped my friendship with Elena grow stronger.
As for Squall and Rinoa. I don't talk to them anymore, and I don't see them anymore. Last I heard - - from Selphie, after I threatened to hurt her if she didn't tell me - - they got married, and moved to Winhill. And, truth was, Rinoa WAS actually pregnant. Now, I believe, they're living quite happily there. I guess I'm happy for them. But that doesn't mean I won't forget about what they did to me.
Fate sure is a funny thing. I don't know why, but I seem to always think back to Seifer. It's funny how the first time I saw him again, I thought I needed a vacation, so I would NEVER see him again. Turns out, I go to the same city he's in, I live in the same house as he, and I get a job at the same place that he works at. It's weird to me, but I guess, maybe the heavens and Hyne are just trying to tease me. But I guess I deserve this cruel fate. This cruel, heartless fate. I guess I deserve every bit of it.
Often, I close my eyes, and think back. I sometimes wished it never happened. None of it happened. I wished I were just some ordinary girl. Starting from when I was born. I sometimes wished I had a real family. A mom, a dad, another sibling, and possibly, even a pet. I wished I grew up and enrolled in a normal school. I wished I never became a mercenary. I just wished I was normal. I didn't want to be a 'hero'. Being a 'hero' did change my life, but all I can say is that it changed my life for the worse. I haven't felt more terrible in my whole life. I just wished I could let it all go. I wish I could just fly to somewhere deserted. And all that would be there is me, and my hopes and dreams. All of it mine.
Some people believe that to achieve your hopes and dreams, is to die. But I'm not like that, I know better. I know that when you die, you solve nothing. When you die on purpose, you just wasted your life, and now have another regret. I know this. Dying is not the answer to anything. That is why, I haven't done any such thing. Though, even in my darkest hours - - when I think about all the good times I had with Seifer, and realizing that I can't have them anymore - - I do think of suicide. I do think it might be the answer. It's because I can't think of anything else. It's 'cause I won't allow myself to think of anything else. And that is why it creeps into my mind.
I've told Edea about these thoughts. She consoled with me. She guided me. And she told me something I will always keep to heart, "Life is precious, it's like a rare gemstone that can only be found in your heart. When something good happens, the gemstone will glow, when something bad happens, the gemstone will fade into a dark shade of black. But if one is strong enough to keep the gemstone glowing, one will always be happy." It didn't really mean anything to me when I first heard it, but she told me to say that to myself every morning right after I woke up, and every night, just before I went to bed. After that phrase, she told me to repeat these lines five times right after it, "I am happy. I feel good. I'm glad to be who I am." At first, I thought I was just something stupid. But I did say those lines. It didn't do anything. I told Edea that, and she made me say it with enthusiasm. Though at first, it was all fake, however, as time passed, it actually meant something to me. And for once, I felt good about myself.
Now, I feel like just closing my eyes and resting. I wonder if I'll have that dream again. Lately, I've had this weird - - but wonderful - - dream. I'm floating in the sky, and below me, are fields of flowers. Pink ones, blue ones, green, yellow, red, orange, purple, and even multi-coloured flowers are everywhere. Slowly, I will fall from the sky and land in this beautiful haven. And I'll close my eyes. Next thing I know, I wake up. And that is how I start every day. It will be good day, I say to myself.
* * *
"Quistis! You're up early!" Selphie exclaimed happily.
Irvine nodded in approval, and continued eating his breakfast. Zell and Elena were no where in sight, but I was guessing they were probably in the Training Centre. Zell had somehow convinced her to try become a SeeD - - though I thought she was a little old to start training as SeeD , but I was wrong. Elena was actually quite good at fighting, of course, with help from Zell. She had picked the staff to be her weapon of choice - -.
"I just had that dream again." I explained to Selphie.
"Ooooh! The flower field one? Aww! I wish I had a dream like that! It'd be cool!" She smiled happily. I giggled at her slightly.
"So Quistis, any more 'thoughts'?" Irvine asked quietly.
Those 'thoughts' as they put it, were my thoughts of Seifer. I told them quite a few times that I missed him, and I wanted to see him again, but I never told them that I actually wanted to go find him. All I needed was a little reassurance and approval from them.
"Actually, yes I have."
"You know what I think?" Selphie began as we both stared at her cautiously. "I think you should go find him!" She smiled victoriously for some odd reason.
"Selphie... I don't know if that's a good idea." I heard Irvine mumble to her.
"What do you mean Irvypoo? Look at her! She obviously still cares for him. So I say, go out and look for him!" She said unhappily at the disproval from Irvine.
"Actually... to tell you guys the truth, I actually DID think about going to look for him." I admitted.
"Booyaka! I was right! Ha! See Irvy! I was just saying what she needed and wanted to hear!" She exclaimed and jumped around in the cafeteria, despite the few people staring at her awkwardly.
"You think so...?" I questioned. I wasn't too sure if it was the right choice. I mean, what if I couldn't find him? What if he mysteriously died? What if he found someone else? Or what if he rejected me?
"Well, I guess it's not a bad idea." Irvine stated.
"But where would I look first? And what would I say to him when I found him?" I asked, mainly to Selphie. She looked at me for a moment or two, without saying anything - - probably because she didn't know - - but Irvine saved her and spoke.
"Quistis I say, you should go where your heart says for you to go. I'm sure you could find him that way."
"Go where my heart says..." I mumbled, half to myself, half to the air.
"I know! I think he would be somewhere close to Raijin and Fujin!" Selphie said, in her usually perky tune.
"You mean..." Irvine started, but I finished it off for him.
"Fisherman's Horizon?"
"Booyaka!" She replied happily.
"I guess... he could be there..." I smiled.
Then I thanked them and went to my room to pack. (Fisherman's Horizon... I guess... he COULD be there... but now, I'll just have to go there and see for myself... but the main problem... might be... how to get out of the garden without Cid knowing, or telling him in a calm way, that I was going to find Seifer... maybe it's better to tell Matron about it) I thought as I quickly packed up my belongings.
- - - - -
aznchika: There! Is chapter 16, continuation of my story! So everyone should be happy right ? yay!!! (though I do know you're all just PRETENDING to be happy, so I don't feel bad...) Anyway, I'd like to do some advertising. and I guess, self-promoting stuff... well, I'll let my bishes tell you!
Hotohori: *gulp* Well... Have you read her other stories?
Amiboshi: Yes... that's right, her other stories...
Hotohori: They're called...
Amiboshi: Complicated Love, which is her newest one...
Hotohori: It's slightly AU, and it's mainly a Zell/Quistis/Seifer triangle...
Amiboshi: And other minor triangles..
Hotohori: I don't want to say this anymore!!!
aznchika: *pushes something into Hotohori's back* Say it!
Hotohori: *gulp*
aznchika: SAY IT!!!
Amiboshi: Just say it! You'll get us both killed!
aznchika: Time's ticking!
Hotohori: *takes a deep breath*
Chichiri: *still playing FF8 on her playstation* oh puh-leze! All she's holding is a stick! You people are silly, no da!
Ami & Hoti: WHAT?! *turns around and see aznchika holding a stick behind their back*
aznchika: ummm, this is a bad time to say... I was just kidding isn't it?
Hoti & Ami: *start chasing aznchika around*
Chichiri: Strange people, no da!