DISCLAIMER: not mine…all belongs to the great J.R.R. Tolkien.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is very crazy. Prepare yourself. On your mark, get set, READ!

Chapter Three

Chased

Legolas stretched out on the flet* in Lothlorien, eyes shut, a dreamy smile on his face. His flowing blond hair whisked gently about his head, caught in a soft breeze. The sweet sent of elanor was in the air, and elven songs slowly wound themselves into his brain…wait. Something isn't right. Legolas frowned, still not opening his eyes. Is someone doing…the hoky poky?!

His eyes snapped open and he yelped. A blond version of Boromir's ghost with little wooden points on his ears and typical elven impossible-to-keep-neat hairstyle was doing the hoky poky above him.

"Put your elaborate hairstyle in! Put your elaborate hairstyle out! Put your elaborate hairstyle and don't shake all about! You do the hoky poky and turn carefully around, to keep the hairstyle neat! Yeah!"

"GANDALF!" Legolas bellowed.

"It wasn't Gandalf, it 'tis I!" cried Celeborn, wearing a tie-die shirt and pants. "I! Celeborn the Great! Celeborn the Wise! Celeborn of many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many different elaborate hairstyles! I! Celeborn, Lord of Tie-Dies! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Sorry about that," Galadriel said as she forced her husband into a straight jacket. "I'm afraid he hasn't had any coffee yet this morning. Makes him act…odd."

"I'll say," said Pippin, who was running the 3D projector.

Legolas sighed, looked up and the ghost, and grimaced. "Beat it, buddy," he said to the ghost.

"Make me," the ghost replied, and stuck his tongue out. Legolas punched him out.

"HEY!" the director screamed. "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! NOW WE HAVE TO FIND A NEW GHOST!"

"That bloody stinking ghost was getting on my nerves, you pea-brained excuse for a director," Legolas retorted. "Man, I am outta here."

"We'll turn the fan girls loose on you!" the producer threatened.

"Let them come!" Legolas replied confidently. "I can take anything they throw at me! Bring it on!"

"Everybody back!" the producer ordered. "All you cute guys, on the ceiling, huptwohuptwomovemovemove!"

All the cute guys got up and sat on the ceiling, looking down into the gladiator ring through the skylights. "Leg-o-las!" they chanted. "LEG-O-LAS! LEG-O-LAS! LEG-O-LAS! LEG-O-LAS!"

Legolas steadied himself. "This can't be any worse than those stupid orc-doubles," he muttered.

"OPEN THE GATES!" the producer howled, and ran for the edge of the area.

Fan girls burst through the door, screaming loudly and holding out paper and pen. Then saw Legolas, and their screams were enough to deafen him.

"Get out of there, Legolas!" Aragorn cried from the ceiling.

"SAVE ME!" he screamed, reaching for his bow and bag of harmless sleeping arrows. Then he realized the bow was only a prop. "I'm doomed!" he wailed.

"Never fear! SuperFrodie is here!" Frodo cried, swinging down from the ceiling in a superman suit that is three times too large for him.

"Never fear! WonderHobbit is here!" Pippin hollered, also swinging down from the ceiling in a wonderwoman suit three times too small for him.

FANGIRLS LOOKING AT SUPERFRODIE: Ooooooooooo.

FANGIRLS LOOKING AT WONDERHOBBIT: Aaaahhhhhh

FANGIRLS WATCHING FRODIE AND HOBBIT SLAM INTO EACH OTHER: Ow.

"Next time," SuperFrodie said painfully, "get your own frickin area."

"Don't worry, Leggy boy! I'm commin' for ya, friend!" Gimli bellowed, getting into his bungy suit. He jumped down from the ceiling, pulled a chuck of the ceiling with him and crashing through the floor to the basement.

"Don't worry!" Gandalf called down. "I'll do my tap dacing routine!"

"Same me," moaned the Nazgul. "That would scare Sauron off, and that's really saying something!"

"It's really okay, you guys!" Legolas shouted back up, siting in a circle of fan girls fussing with his long blond hair. "Really! You can just leave me here!"

COLLECTIVE GASP: NO! HE'S BEEN BRAINWASHED BY FANGIRLS!

"I'm coming for you!" Gandalf bellowed, and jumped down. "LEVITATION! Uh, no, wrong spell, uh, FLY! No, that's not right either." Gandalf fell through the whole Gimli had made, all the while trying to think of the right spell to make him fly. "Oh!" came a distant sounding voice. "I remember! Uppity, uppity, up!" VOOOOOOOOOOSH! Gandalf shot through the ceiling like a rocket and disappeared towards the moon.

"First Wizard on Mars," Legolas said wistfully. "Wish I could be there to see it. HEY PETER! YOU THINK I COULD BE A NAZGUL INSTEAD OF AN ELF? THESE EARS ITCH!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*

*Flet=flat place kinda like a treehouse that elven scouts use in Lothlorien.