Disclaimer: not mine. Etc…

Please don't take my comments about Elrond seriously…I love the guy to pieces…:-p

Chapter Five

Or, That Damn Ring

"Honey, come on!" Celebrían said impatiently, tapping her foot. "We'll miss the grand opening of the remake of 'A Knight's Tale.' You KNOW how Mother gets when we're late."

"Do I ever," Elrond muttered as he dug through his clothes trunk. "That's the problem with elf in-laws—they live longer. Forever, to be precise. Uh, just a minute, darling! I have to find something immensely important and of the uttermost secrecy."

Celebrían sighed. "Elrond, I told you you'd have to become organized when you became an elf-lord," she complained. "And you lost Vilya again?"

Elrond looked scandalized. "How did you know I had it?" he demanded.

"Darling, I had to find it for you on the evening of your own wedding!"

"Well, this artifact of amazing power and incredible possibilities is gone."

"Did you check your inner pockets?"

"Yes, dear."

"Oh, honey, you didn't think it was a coin and toss it into the fountain again, did you?"

"No, dear."

"Hmm…"

Elrond swore and threw his clothes back into the chest. "Where could it be?"

Celebrían looked at her watch and sighed. "Go ask Glorfindel, dear. I'll check the usual places."

Elrond stomped out of his room and down the hall, wearing a dark scowl on his face as he moved. "Glorfindel!" he called when he spotted the telltale blond head. "Come here, please!"

Glorfindel came up to him. "Yes, ole buddy ole pal."

"Cut with the accent—this is serious! I've lost an artifact of immense importance and of the uttermost secrecy."

"Oh, my lord! Can't you get organized? What ever happened to those alphabetically ordered ring-pockets I gave to you?" Glorfindel demanded, and sighed. "Really, you think you'd be able to hold onto something as important as Vilya."

"Shh! How'd you know?" Elrond demanded.

"Really, Elrond…Gil-Galad has a ring. He goes out to battle without the ring. You come back with it. It's a little obvious."

"I didn't think you could see it…"

"You used it as your WEDDING ring for crying out loud, what did you think we'd see? We're not stupid you know."

"What am I going to do?" Elrond wailed. "Galadriel will kill me if I've lost it! She always said that I wasn't good enough for her daughter…"

Glorfindel suddenly went alabaster white and fainted dead away. Elrond spun around and almost fainted himself.

There, standing in front of him, was a hobbit-sized version of Sauron himself. "Hello," he said in a rather squeaky voice. "Look, don't be alarmed…I teased Gandalf about crying over his eyebrows and he turned me into a hobbit. Did you loose your ring?"

"I can't tell you, you're the enemy!" Elrond protested.

"Not any more," Sauron the Hobbit answered gloomily. "My allies and minions all died from laughter at seeing me shrunk to Halfling size. I was thinking of taking up farming…I've always liked farmers. Start a family. But I think Sauron is too ominous a name. What do you think of…Bobo? Bobo Hobbit? Elrond? El-rond? You awake? Hello?"

Sauron the Hobbit dumped water over Elrond, who was out cold. Elrond coughed, sputtered and sat up. "You still here?" he demanded.

"Look, I saw your ring outside, dating mine. Why don't you go get it?"

"Dating?" Elrond muttered as he stomped outside. "What does he mean by that?"

Elrond found out, too his horror, when he stepped outside and found the One Ring, Vilya, Nenya, and Narya all outside. Apparently, Vilya and the One Ring were getting married, Narya was the pastor and Nenya was the ring-of-honor.

"And so with the power invested in me…oh no." Narya looked up in terror at a red-faced Elrond.

"Get back to your bearers," he ordered in a dangerous tone. "Now."

Narya and Nenya instantly disappeared. Vilya and One Ring huddled together. "You can't separate us!" Vilya said shrilly. "We're in love!"

Elrond rolled his eyes. "You're a ring, how can you fall in love?"

"Love crosses all boundaries."

"Oh bullshit," Elrond said. "Get over here. We have a movie to catch."

"I'm not going anywhere and you can't make me!"

"I knew I should have chosen an amethyst," Elrond sighed. "Much lest argumentative than a sapphire. Look, I'll cut you a deal. Come with me now and I won't throw you in Mount Doom along side that punk."

"No deal."

Elrond pushed up his sleeves. "Don't make me take you with me, young lady…oh, w hat am I saying? You're a ring. I'm talking to a ring. I'll be talking through one next."

"It's not all that hard," Sauron commented.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLING!"

Elrond paled. "Cut the crap and I'll let you marry him," he said hastily.

Vilya smiled nastily. "Too late."

Elrond's face was one of perpetual horror as Galadriel swept him up into a bone-crushing hug. "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABY! You look so ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLVISH this morning!"

"Oh my Elbereth," Elrond groaned.

"Man," One Ring said. "That's my kinda lady."

Vilya kicked him. "I KNEW you were cheating with Nenya!" Vilya cried. "You BASTARD!" she slapped him across the rim.

"Hey, it was just a fling!" One Ring protested.

"Can't—breathe—" Elrond gasped as Galadriel squeezed him tighter. "Hurt—hurt—hurt—"

"Was I just a fling, then?" Vilya asked shrilly.

"Yes! I mean, no! I mean—!"

Vilya burst into tears. "I hate you! I can't believe I fell in love with a jerk you son of a boulder!"

"Now just wait one minute! My mother was better than that—I have pure gold bloodlines running right back to the beginning of cre—"

"Save it! Go run off with your darling Nenya!"

One Ring shrugged. "Hey, if that's the way you feel…"

"It was true!" Vilya wailed.

"I never said that!"

"You said as much!"

"Mother really," Celebrían said as she pulled her husband to safely. "Let my hubby alone."

"Thanks," Elrond gasped, slowly turning back to his normal complexion as Vilya and One Ring began blasting each other. "Let's get out of here before this lover's quarrel kills one of us…"

"I'll just marry Galadriel, then!" One Ring said shrilly, jumping onto Galadriel's finger. "Nice to meet you."

"Why, what a charming young ring!" Galadriel exclaimed.

"I knew it!" Celeborn cried. "You WERE cheating on me!"

"Darling never!"

"And just who is this?"

"His name is One Ring."

"Just like a thought…a playring!"

"I am not!"

"Fine!" Vilya screamed. "You ungrateful bastard! I'll just marry—" she looked over at an Elrond, who was rapidly shaking his head. "Elrond!"

Celebrían turned purple. "You slut!" she screamed, throwing herself at Vilya. "No one touches my man!"

"Oh no," Elrond said. "That Damn Ring is getting me into trouble again."

"Are we going to miss the movie?" Sauron asked.

Elrond sighed. "Let's go together," he suggested.

"WHAT?!" Celebrían and Vilya stopped fighting. "You're gay?" Celebrían cried. "And you never told me?"

"I'm not gay I just happen to be going to a movie with Sauron who used to be my mortal enemy. What's wrong with that?"

Celebrían swooned. Vilya melted. Celeborn and Galadriel resolved their differences and the One Ring went off to seduce other women.

"All just a day in the life of an Elf-Lord," Sauron said solemnly as Elrond woke Celebrían up.

"Honey, it's ok! I love you and I won' t ever leave you."

"Oh, how sweet!" One Ring said over the sound of elvish smooching.

"Let's elope," Celebrían said dreamily as Elrond dramatically swept her up into his arms.

"We're already married."

"Let's elope anyway."

"Ok!"

They eloped.

Galadriel: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MY DAUGHTER'S ELOPED WITH A TRAMP!"

Celeborn: She eloped with her husband, Gala."

Galadriel: "Same thing. And don't call me Gala."