Disclaimer: I own none of this except Popsey.

PS. I know I am insane. Do you actually think a sane person could write this stuff? And I'm not even on caffeine right now!

Chapter Six

Or, The Poke-Doted Wizard

Elrond buried his head in his hands. He was having a miserable day. And it wasn't just the fact that his daughter was insisting on marrying a human, or that his wife was stuck on the other side of an ocean, or that he hadn't seen his parents in millennia. It wasn't even that his brother made a stupid mistake and became a human.

"If Elros hadn't gone and got himself married, there wouldn't be an Aragorn!" Elrond growled.

He hadn't seen a physiatrist in days.

"And I still can't decide about that face lift," Elrond mourned. He checked himself in the mirror, straightening his regal robes. "I know Galadriel always said if I scowled forever my face would freeze this way, but I didn't think she was serious!"

There was a light tap on his door. "What?" he called wearily, wondering if the shipment of Thranduil's wine had come in yet. He could really use some booze.

Gandalf stuck his head in. If he'd been a dog, his tail would have been between his legs. "Um, Elrond?"

Immediately suspicious, Elrond closed the distance between them. "Gandalf, what have you done this time?"

"I went and signed myself up at the Foundation For Teaching Replacement Wizards For When We're Gone. The FFTRWFWWG. Pronounced fa-tree-fig-wig."

Elrond closed his eyes. His day had just gotten worse. "And—?"

"I got a student."

"Honestly Gandalf, you can't even properly kill yourself! How are you going to set a good example for the student?" Elrond glared at him sternly.

"It's not the student I'm worried about," Gandalf mourned. "It's me."

"You? Why?"

"Look." Gandalf opened the door open further to reveal a tall girl in her late teens. Her hair was dyed electric green, she wore a green and blue poke-doted mini-skirt with a V neck tank top that matched her brilliant turquoise eyes, and was chewing green gum. She watched them from over a nose ring, six gold hoops in her right ear and nine green studs in the other.

"Yo," she said, popping a bubble. She looked Elrond up and down in a way that made him distinctly uncomfortable. "You married?"

Elrond stared at the apparition in front of him. "You idiot," he said in disgust to Gandalf, "you think you can train her? She's a walking disaster!" And he slammed the door shut in their faces.

He could still hear the Wizard through the door. "That's Elrond. You'll get used to him. Funny guy. I hear he's getting a face-lift."

*     *     *     *

Arwen sighed melodramatically, draped crossed a couch in the Hall of Fire. "I'm in love," she said dreamily.

Legolas, grouching because he couldn't get a date, sat in the corner. "At least I finally dumped that stupid ranger and his hobbit friends," he mumbled. Louder he said, "So you've told us a million times. Get over it Arwen. What do you see in him anyway?"

"His ears are pointy," she answered distantly, a hazy smile on her too-pretty face.

Legolas looked scandalized. "His are not! And you turned me down—twice!—for marriage, and my ears are pointy!"

"Legolas, you just aren't my type…and besides, I want brown haired children. Blond is too…elvish."

Legolas threw himself back into his corner, sulking. "Yeah, yours is the type that carries an injured nail to Elrond on a stretcher so he can manicure it back on," Legolas growled.

"What was that?" Arwen asked sharply, raising her hands so Legolas could see her fingernails—which seemed to have turned into claws. "Did you just insult my nails?"

"Arwen, really, put your hands down and back away from the fire-poker—"

Meanwhile, Gandalf was trying futilely to get his student, who told him to call her Popsey and refused to tell him her true name, to spit out the gum she was chewing.

"It's cancerous and causes cavities," he scolded. "Spit it out!"

She shrugged. "If you insist." She aimed at a valuable vase sitting in the corner, spat, and shattered the vase into a hundred unrecognizable pieces of clay.

Gandalf stared in horror at the once-was vase. It had been a favorite of Elrond. He could just hear what the elf-lord was going to say when he found out what had happened. "Maybe we should keep you away from the valuables," he said hastily, pushing his student out the door.

"Now, you must remember, magic is to be used for good purposes only, all right?"

"Yes, Gafy."

"Don't call me that. Now, your first spell that I will teach you is how to switch someone's mind with someone else's'. We call this the Switcheroo Spell."

"No kidding." Somehow, magically, the gum had gotten back into her mouth and she was chewing another piece. "How do you do it?"

"Just say abra-kadavra and imagine the two minds switching."

"Cool."

"GANDALF! IF YOUR STUDENT BROKE THIS VASE YOU ARE ONE DEAD WIZARD!"

Gandalf blanched. "Hold on," he said hastily, and trotted back down the corridor.

"Hasta lavista, baby."

Popsey wandered into the doorway to watch as Arwen, hissing like an enraged cat lunged at a handsome elf that was clinging onto the chandelier for dear life. She was missing him by mere inches.

"Come down here and fight like an elf!" she shouted. "You lily-livered coward!"

"Sheath those claws and I'll think about it," he retorted.

Good chance to test the spell, Popsey thought. "Abra-kedavra!" she shouted, and imagined the two elves switching brains.

POOF!

The handsome elf let go of the chandelier with a strangled cry and crashed to the floor. The elf with claws looked in the mirror, screamed bloody murder, and fainted dead away.

Popsey admired her handiwork. "Cool," was all she said.

*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*?*

What ever will happen to Arwen/Legolas and Legolas/Arwen? Will they ever switch back? Will Elrond ever get in touch with a physiatrist to see about that face lift? If you review, I'll post faster!