Lost in
You:
Getting In My
Head
By: Crystal_V_Princess
Disclaimer: All characters and storylines (except for the one I'm writing of course!) belong to Rumiko Takahashi (God bless her genius!).
Note: If you would like an explanation for the kisses I nmy stories please read the "Author's Note" at the end of the fic. Thank you! ;P
Dedications: To Fireblaze, who always reads my stories!!! And to my friend Tim who offers great encouragement to me, thanks for everything you guys!!! Luv ya'!!!!
He's been watching me for a while, following my every movement, yet I don't feel angry that he's staring. Not really.
That might be because I'm watching him too; getting lost in the intense azure oblivion of his eyes beneath thick brows; his wild hair pulled into the staple pigtail which I've come to see as an intricate part of Ranma's persona Exploring every contour of his face, the pointed yet strong chin; his set mouth as he concentrates on me, and nearly there cheekbones which verge on making his face sharp.
He's so still, barely moving, except for the shallow rise and fall of his chest with every breath. Thankfully breathing comes naturally, if it didn't I think he might have forgotten how to by now. But that's just Ranma, his personality so serious and commanding at times, the aura which surrounds him bright around him, demanding that I look back, even if I'm doing it clandestinely. Which I am.
Watching him watching me, to anyone else it wouldn't seem like something I'd do. Why should I care about this boy, an arrogant, over-bearing jerk. But he's so much more, more than anything I ever could have expected.
He brings something out in me I'm not sure I'm ready for, and it's scary. I've always tried to keep anyone besides my family from touching my heart, from touching me in any way. But he does, so I build up a wall and stand behind it when I talk to him, a scared little girl confused and helpless in the face of her own emotions. And it hurts, sometimes I think me more than him. Because it blocks out any way to reach for something more.
So I try to convince myself whenever my heart starts to waver and the walls start crumbling against his smile, that I don't want anything more, and up they go again.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe we weren't always yelling at each other and those other girls would just go away, if I could let go of the walls completely, and maybe discover at least a few things about him that I've never known.
It's a stupid thought, I've been told countless times by countless people that life never just falls into place. If you want something you have to go out and work for it, fight for it. And so I do, I try my best to fight, but somehow my way of fighting doesn't seem to work. I can't even remember the myriad times I've wanted him to realize I am fighting for him, just in my own way, on my own terms. But he never does.
Yes, I used to wonder, what if, but I try not to anymore, because life isn't "what if", life is what is, and you have to make the best of what you're supplied with instead of wishing for something else. Sometimes I hate myself for knowing that philosophy, I always hate the philosophy for just being true.
He's inching closer now, I catch the movement from the corner of my eye and glance at him briefly, straining my own eyes so I barely have to move my head. He should know by now not to test the limits when I'm angry, but he does anyway, tilting his head, his wondering gaze taking all of me in. I'm tempted to implement our little tradition and send him into orbit around Nerima, but I don't. And I know why. That' s what's bugging me.
I thrust out my arms again and again, seeing nothing where I'd usually see an imaginary Ranma when I'm training by myself. I try to focus all the things he's done to me throughout the time we've spent together, piling them all up to make myself see his face where my fists are pumping in the air. It doesn't work. I realize why quickly; a wave of memouries washes over me and I see him saving me every time he's gotten me into trouble. I feel like I'm going to cry, so I throw my a kick in with the series of punches, seeing my own face. Why can't I accept what's there?
I want to stop, all of this. Why do I have to feel like this? I never asked to cry at his remarks, to get jealous when girls flock around him, to enjoy being held close when he rescues me. I never asked for any of that. I never asked for Ranma. Never wanted him, but I do now. And it scares me out of my mind. The loss of control I've always held over my own emotions; how it crumbles when he comes into view. And, like trust, once it's gone it's hard to get back. Very hard.
I don't think I've cried as much in my whole life as I do now that Ranma's here. But I'd never change a moment if I could. Sometimes it's good to cry, and sometimes I need it.
I think usually I'm crying more because of myself than anything he's done. I want control, I want to be able to tell myself, 'don't smile, don't feel like that', but it's like trying to tell myself 'don't live'. Because that's what this really is, life and death in one emotion. It's the most painful thing to ever be experienced and the most sought after thing in the whole world. This feeling.
I can't bring myself to say it yet, can't even think it. I don't know what I'll do when my mind finally accepts the facts of my heart. Right now I'm just trying to put it away, forget the word I can't say. But that's just like not experiencing it, which is impossible. It's a cruel irony, it kills me and yet I can't live without it.
An acerbic grin curls my lips and I put extra power into my next kick. He seems to flinch in a daze. He's still watching me. "Stop staring at me like that, Ranma." I state, my voice strange and unfamiliar in my ears, like I'm listening to someone else speak.
He blushes and I can almost hear him gulp, but he doesn't turn away. His eyes are still plastered to me. Now I'm feeling a little strange. What's going on here? I thought I was the one who always got lost in him. Not just in his outer features but in trying to understand him. Trying to read between the lines when he hinted at the need for translation with a gesture, a quick rise in tone. It was almost comical to see him in the predicament I'd always seen as only mine.
I stop practicing, finished trying to forget what I came out here forget, unsuccessfully I might add. I notice he's grinning indiscreetly and I'm puzzled once again. This is not my night for revelations, that's for sure. "You're weird." The words seem to slip out on instinct and I fight the desire to cover my mouth. Why do I always have to say something stupid whenever he's not fighting with me? If I didn't know myself I'd say I was scared of what might happen if we kept our cool around each other. What might be revealed on both sides, whether good or bad.
He closes his eyes and I hear him take a deep breath. What is he doing? What does he expect me to do? Maybe he's just tired. Doubtful.
'Ranma, what?!' I'd like to scream at him. 'Tell me what you want! Give me answers!' Again, I don't. I truthfully don't think he'd be able to answer what he wanted any better than I could. It was our bane and our blessing in a way. If we didn't know the answer then we couldn't want it too much.
Somehow I do though and an insane thought pops into my head. 'No! No! No! No! No!' I yell at myself, hating the feelings which make my heart swell at the contemplation of what I've just been thinking. 'Don't you dare! Don't! You'll hate yourself later for it!' But it's too late, I've already ducked my head and pressed my lips to his.
My hangs hang rigid at my sides, and I can feel the surprise and exhilaration course through, though we're barely touching. He grabs my arms, his fingers digging into the soft flesh, hard but not hurting. When we finally part I can barely breathe and I don't move as he continues to silently hold me to him.
I put my hands flat on his chest, not sure of what I'll do if I remain here much longer, and pull away. I look at him, straight in the eyes, those eyes I can't escape. "Sometimes I get lost in you, Ranma." I can't believe I just said that and I'm half ashamed and half euphoric. My voice is strangely distant and metallic in my ears.
Then I leave, heading for the house, and I don't look back. Why should I? I've accepted what I feel, what I've just done, and maybe I will hate myself later. But I don't now, and that's what matters.
Right now I'm flying, relishing being permanently lost in this boy, this man, I've come to care for so greatly. "Akane Tendo," I whisper aloud to myself as I walk away, "you're a fool." Yes, I am. But isn't everybody when they're in love. There's a question I know the answer to.
Author's Note: Hoped you liked it, I tried to explain why I made Akane kiss him as I noticed quite a few of you wanted to know. I had planned exactly that reason when I wrote the first chappie. Addressing the fact that Ranma and Akane share at least one brief and chaste kiss in every fic I've written, well, here's the explanation for that: it's my staple. I like to emphasize in my writing the innocent relationship they share, but to also show that as they are getting older and more mature so are their feelings. Not to the point of being sex-laced, vulgar, or offensive, as I do not promote such things. But that they are slowly realizing that things beside smiles can be shared in a respectful and pleasant way. I do know that they are both easily embarrassed around each other and painfully shy, but as this is not an actual script for the manga and as I have kept to their basic personalities, I do not see the action of kissing as a sudden and absurd part of their relationship or the storyline. If you have read and studied the manga and the plot, you will see there are underlying feelings which lean toward this and are emphasized regularly to illustrate the actual romance going on in their strange and rocky courtship. And yes, I do believe it can be called a "courtship", because despite the fact that they both are constantly attacking each other verbally (and sometimes physically on Akane's part) they are struggling with the fact that they really DO love each other, but have not idea how to express it. I hope this note has explained enough about my stories that you who read them will be able to understand my motives for the kisses instead of judging me solely on what you think you see I'm writing instead of what I actually am. Thank you for your time if you've even read this far! If you would like to read any more of my fics please click on my name and it will list them all, then you can click on the one(s) you would like to read. I love you guys!!!!!! Thanks for your support!!!!! God bless!
-Crystal_V_Princess ;P
Disclaimer: All characters and storylines (except for the one I'm writing of course!) belong to Rumiko Takahashi (God bless her genius!).
Note: If you would like an explanation for the kisses I nmy stories please read the "Author's Note" at the end of the fic. Thank you! ;P
Dedications: To Fireblaze, who always reads my stories!!! And to my friend Tim who offers great encouragement to me, thanks for everything you guys!!! Luv ya'!!!!
He's been watching me for a while, following my every movement, yet I don't feel angry that he's staring. Not really.
That might be because I'm watching him too; getting lost in the intense azure oblivion of his eyes beneath thick brows; his wild hair pulled into the staple pigtail which I've come to see as an intricate part of Ranma's persona Exploring every contour of his face, the pointed yet strong chin; his set mouth as he concentrates on me, and nearly there cheekbones which verge on making his face sharp.
He's so still, barely moving, except for the shallow rise and fall of his chest with every breath. Thankfully breathing comes naturally, if it didn't I think he might have forgotten how to by now. But that's just Ranma, his personality so serious and commanding at times, the aura which surrounds him bright around him, demanding that I look back, even if I'm doing it clandestinely. Which I am.
Watching him watching me, to anyone else it wouldn't seem like something I'd do. Why should I care about this boy, an arrogant, over-bearing jerk. But he's so much more, more than anything I ever could have expected.
He brings something out in me I'm not sure I'm ready for, and it's scary. I've always tried to keep anyone besides my family from touching my heart, from touching me in any way. But he does, so I build up a wall and stand behind it when I talk to him, a scared little girl confused and helpless in the face of her own emotions. And it hurts, sometimes I think me more than him. Because it blocks out any way to reach for something more.
So I try to convince myself whenever my heart starts to waver and the walls start crumbling against his smile, that I don't want anything more, and up they go again.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe we weren't always yelling at each other and those other girls would just go away, if I could let go of the walls completely, and maybe discover at least a few things about him that I've never known.
It's a stupid thought, I've been told countless times by countless people that life never just falls into place. If you want something you have to go out and work for it, fight for it. And so I do, I try my best to fight, but somehow my way of fighting doesn't seem to work. I can't even remember the myriad times I've wanted him to realize I am fighting for him, just in my own way, on my own terms. But he never does.
Yes, I used to wonder, what if, but I try not to anymore, because life isn't "what if", life is what is, and you have to make the best of what you're supplied with instead of wishing for something else. Sometimes I hate myself for knowing that philosophy, I always hate the philosophy for just being true.
He's inching closer now, I catch the movement from the corner of my eye and glance at him briefly, straining my own eyes so I barely have to move my head. He should know by now not to test the limits when I'm angry, but he does anyway, tilting his head, his wondering gaze taking all of me in. I'm tempted to implement our little tradition and send him into orbit around Nerima, but I don't. And I know why. That' s what's bugging me.
I thrust out my arms again and again, seeing nothing where I'd usually see an imaginary Ranma when I'm training by myself. I try to focus all the things he's done to me throughout the time we've spent together, piling them all up to make myself see his face where my fists are pumping in the air. It doesn't work. I realize why quickly; a wave of memouries washes over me and I see him saving me every time he's gotten me into trouble. I feel like I'm going to cry, so I throw my a kick in with the series of punches, seeing my own face. Why can't I accept what's there?
I want to stop, all of this. Why do I have to feel like this? I never asked to cry at his remarks, to get jealous when girls flock around him, to enjoy being held close when he rescues me. I never asked for any of that. I never asked for Ranma. Never wanted him, but I do now. And it scares me out of my mind. The loss of control I've always held over my own emotions; how it crumbles when he comes into view. And, like trust, once it's gone it's hard to get back. Very hard.
I don't think I've cried as much in my whole life as I do now that Ranma's here. But I'd never change a moment if I could. Sometimes it's good to cry, and sometimes I need it.
I think usually I'm crying more because of myself than anything he's done. I want control, I want to be able to tell myself, 'don't smile, don't feel like that', but it's like trying to tell myself 'don't live'. Because that's what this really is, life and death in one emotion. It's the most painful thing to ever be experienced and the most sought after thing in the whole world. This feeling.
I can't bring myself to say it yet, can't even think it. I don't know what I'll do when my mind finally accepts the facts of my heart. Right now I'm just trying to put it away, forget the word I can't say. But that's just like not experiencing it, which is impossible. It's a cruel irony, it kills me and yet I can't live without it.
An acerbic grin curls my lips and I put extra power into my next kick. He seems to flinch in a daze. He's still watching me. "Stop staring at me like that, Ranma." I state, my voice strange and unfamiliar in my ears, like I'm listening to someone else speak.
He blushes and I can almost hear him gulp, but he doesn't turn away. His eyes are still plastered to me. Now I'm feeling a little strange. What's going on here? I thought I was the one who always got lost in him. Not just in his outer features but in trying to understand him. Trying to read between the lines when he hinted at the need for translation with a gesture, a quick rise in tone. It was almost comical to see him in the predicament I'd always seen as only mine.
I stop practicing, finished trying to forget what I came out here forget, unsuccessfully I might add. I notice he's grinning indiscreetly and I'm puzzled once again. This is not my night for revelations, that's for sure. "You're weird." The words seem to slip out on instinct and I fight the desire to cover my mouth. Why do I always have to say something stupid whenever he's not fighting with me? If I didn't know myself I'd say I was scared of what might happen if we kept our cool around each other. What might be revealed on both sides, whether good or bad.
He closes his eyes and I hear him take a deep breath. What is he doing? What does he expect me to do? Maybe he's just tired. Doubtful.
'Ranma, what?!' I'd like to scream at him. 'Tell me what you want! Give me answers!' Again, I don't. I truthfully don't think he'd be able to answer what he wanted any better than I could. It was our bane and our blessing in a way. If we didn't know the answer then we couldn't want it too much.
Somehow I do though and an insane thought pops into my head. 'No! No! No! No! No!' I yell at myself, hating the feelings which make my heart swell at the contemplation of what I've just been thinking. 'Don't you dare! Don't! You'll hate yourself later for it!' But it's too late, I've already ducked my head and pressed my lips to his.
My hangs hang rigid at my sides, and I can feel the surprise and exhilaration course through, though we're barely touching. He grabs my arms, his fingers digging into the soft flesh, hard but not hurting. When we finally part I can barely breathe and I don't move as he continues to silently hold me to him.
I put my hands flat on his chest, not sure of what I'll do if I remain here much longer, and pull away. I look at him, straight in the eyes, those eyes I can't escape. "Sometimes I get lost in you, Ranma." I can't believe I just said that and I'm half ashamed and half euphoric. My voice is strangely distant and metallic in my ears.
Then I leave, heading for the house, and I don't look back. Why should I? I've accepted what I feel, what I've just done, and maybe I will hate myself later. But I don't now, and that's what matters.
Right now I'm flying, relishing being permanently lost in this boy, this man, I've come to care for so greatly. "Akane Tendo," I whisper aloud to myself as I walk away, "you're a fool." Yes, I am. But isn't everybody when they're in love. There's a question I know the answer to.
Author's Note: Hoped you liked it, I tried to explain why I made Akane kiss him as I noticed quite a few of you wanted to know. I had planned exactly that reason when I wrote the first chappie. Addressing the fact that Ranma and Akane share at least one brief and chaste kiss in every fic I've written, well, here's the explanation for that: it's my staple. I like to emphasize in my writing the innocent relationship they share, but to also show that as they are getting older and more mature so are their feelings. Not to the point of being sex-laced, vulgar, or offensive, as I do not promote such things. But that they are slowly realizing that things beside smiles can be shared in a respectful and pleasant way. I do know that they are both easily embarrassed around each other and painfully shy, but as this is not an actual script for the manga and as I have kept to their basic personalities, I do not see the action of kissing as a sudden and absurd part of their relationship or the storyline. If you have read and studied the manga and the plot, you will see there are underlying feelings which lean toward this and are emphasized regularly to illustrate the actual romance going on in their strange and rocky courtship. And yes, I do believe it can be called a "courtship", because despite the fact that they both are constantly attacking each other verbally (and sometimes physically on Akane's part) they are struggling with the fact that they really DO love each other, but have not idea how to express it. I hope this note has explained enough about my stories that you who read them will be able to understand my motives for the kisses instead of judging me solely on what you think you see I'm writing instead of what I actually am. Thank you for your time if you've even read this far! If you would like to read any more of my fics please click on my name and it will list them all, then you can click on the one(s) you would like to read. I love you guys!!!!!! Thanks for your support!!!!! God bless!
-Crystal_V_Princess ;P