This story is dedicated to the memory of my Career Orientation teacher's son, Nathanial O. Woodyard, who left the mortal coil at age 23 on May 10, 2002.
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Interviews 2
by:
Kile Terro
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*Welcome to the Sp--Ah, screw it.*
The cast is in Kile's ready room
Kile: It's that time of the year again!
Tenchey: The time when we all run in circles for no apparent reason?
Kalabora: The time when we play Final Fantasy VII until our eyes fall out because of the crappy sprites?
ragnarock: The time when we read "Dune?"
animemaster: The time when my brother makes fun of "Interviews" and Kile gives all his money to Videl in exchange for--
Tenchey: Nookie?
Fred Durst busts through the wall
Fred: I did it all for the nookie! C'mon, the nookie! C'mon! So you can that cookie and stick it up your--!!!
animemaster: YEAH!!!
Fred: Stick it up your--!!!
Tenchey: YEAH!!!
Fred: Stick it up your....!!!
Fred Durst busts through the other wall
Kile: ........Hey! Whatever happened to the Great Wall of Dumbass?
animemaster: Let's see.
Everyone goes outside
animemaster: DUDE!!!!
Kalabora and ragnarock: Dune?
animemaster: No, 'Dude!' with a 'D!'
The Great Wall of Dumbass is no longer there and hall been replaced with a small fence of cat feces
Kile: Where did...?
Tenchey: Look!
Tenchey points to a child with a cat
Janus: DAMMIT!!! Work, Alfador!
Alfador: M......eow....
Janus: WORK!!!!
Alfador: F*** YOU!!!!!!
Janus: !!! .........................
Kile: We need a vacation...
Rufus from Final Fantasy VII comes out of nowhere
Rufus: Need a vacation?
animemaster: I thought you were dead!
Kalabora: I'm not that far in the game! You've spoiled it for me!
Rufus: This is the land of the dead and you act surprised I'M here but not when you've seen Fred Durst.
Eminem comes out of nowhere
Eminem: Christina Aguielara better switch me chairs, so I can sit next to Carson Baily and Fred Durst--
Eminem disappears just as mysteriously as he came......
Kile: Y'know, that's getting REALLY annoying.
Rufus: For just 1000 Gil I can book you a romantic cabin deep in the woods.
Kile: What the HELLS are you talking about??? We're 6 guys! Why would we want a ROMANTIC cabin????
Rufus: Whoops, sorry. I've been out of Midgar too long....loussy Mukki...and I thought I was his "Bubby..." He's already found another!
Kile (Whispering to Tenchey): This guy's outta his mind.
Mac comes out of nowhere
Mac: WHERE'S RYO-OHKI???!!!
Kile: Did you take ALL the Viagra?
Mac: No........................Yes.
Kile: Hey, we just now fixed the ready room. Why do you think we've taken so long making another Interviews?
Mac: The author's a lazy-ass bastard?
Tenchey: But has a wide selection of hentai. Especially FF7. Currently 35 pics AND RISING!!!
Kile: Like me while reading "Secret Plot."
Everyone looks at Kile
Kile: .................What?
Rufus: Back to the matter at hand....For 500 Gil you can use a cabin that seems to be straight out of the Three Stooges Short "Idiots Deluxe."
animemaster: What are ya? Cra--?
Kile: We'll take it.
Rufus: Use this helicopter! It's programmed to take you there.
Everyone gets in
Rufus: Hey! What about my Gil?!
Tenchey: Oh, yeah, sorry.
Tenchey hands him 500 fish gills.
They leave on the helicopter
Rufus: !!! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!! MUKKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rufus falls over crying
AT THE TOWN BEFORE THE CABIN
animemaster: I thought this was programed to take us to the cabin.
Kile: Never look a gift horse in the foot.
animemaster: How is this a gift hors--?
Tenchey: We can get supplies!
animemaster: ...................Oh.
They go into a store
Redneck: Youse the indervuing guys off the telvijin!
Kile: Yeah.......
Redneck: You that Kyle guy, right?
Kile: Actually...that's "Kile."
Redneck: That's what I said..."Kyle."
Kile: No, it's "Kile."
This arguement continues for a while.....say 8 hours
animemaster: You know, after reading enough Kile Terro fics, "Kile" actually seems to be the correct spelling.
Tenchey: Really?
Kile: I tell you!! It's "KILE!!!!!!"
Redneck: RIGHT!!!!! "KYLE!!!!!!!"
Kalabora: This is easily remedied.
ragnarock: "Easily remedied?" You talk to Kile too much, you're beginning to sound like him.
Kalabora: Mr. Redneck, Kile here--
Redneck: Yeah, "Kyle."
Kile: Go to Hells!
Kalabora: Anyway, he means Kile with an 'I.' Whereas you mean Kyle with a 'Y....' Correct?
Redneck: Carrot...
Kile: He means "correct." (Stupid hillbilly. This is why I hate living in Arkansas.)
Kalabora: Anyhow, It's Kile with an 'I,' So, GET THE F OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The redneck leaves
Reneck (Crying): I'm gonna go join the WWE, man!!!
Kile: .......
They get supplies and go to the cabin
They unload
They enter
Kile: All that in three lines!
animemaster: What are you talking about?
Kile: Oh, nothing.
ragnarock: We're in luck!
Tenchey: What?
ragnarock: I saw a sign on the way up here! "Fine for hunting!"
Kile: I think you may have something there!
ragnarock: Can I get cured?
Kile: Hope so.
Kile sits down next to the stove
Kile: Since this wouldn't be "Interviews" without interviews, so I will interview this frying pan.
animemaster: God.........
Kile: So, where were you born?
Frying pan: .........................................
Kile : .....What is your job?
Kalabora: This!
Kalabora walks over to the frying pan, picks it up and slams it down on Kile's head
Kile: !!! What are you doing?!
Kalabora: I don't have enough lines! All I ever do is introduce guests and once in a while share an opinion!
Kile: Crikey! Sor-ry.
Tenchey: Shouldn't we rest for the night.
They rest and leave by car in the morning to go deeper into the woods
animemaster: Is it just me or is this the car from "Idiots Deluxe?"
Kile: Maybe.
ragnarock: More signs!
SIGNS: No smoking, no fishing, no fires, no nothing, go home.
Kile: Didna say anything about hunting...so we press on!
They get out of the car and walk past the signs
When the last person walks by, the wind blows a tree limb out of in front of a sign saying "No hunting"
They walk past trees
A thin limb is in their way and to get past it they push it and when they let go it swings back and hits the person behind them
Kile: Shh! A bear.
Kile points at a bear
Bear: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tenchey holds his ground
Tenchey: Rrrrruff!!!!!!! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuufffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ruff!!!!!!!!
The bear runs into his cave whimpering
Tenchey: Come back, you cowards! He's a coward, too!
They all return
They walk over to the bear's cave
Kile: What do we do?
ragnarock: We barricade the cave with rocks, he suffocates, and we have no holes in the trophy.
Kalabora: Good idea.
Kile: Yeah.
They toss stones over to each other like footballs (You know, tossing the rocks between their legs.)
One hits Kile in the head and he falls over unconscious
Kalabora: You okay, Kile?
Kile: ..................
They toss Kile in the back of the car
They return and continue tossing rocks the same way as before
The bear had already left and a renegade rock hit him in the head
The bear falls over unconscious and everyone runs over to him
Kalabora: It's dead!
ragnarock: You sure?
Kalabora: Don't believe me? Put your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.
ragnarock: N-no, thanks. I'll take your word for it.
They toss the bear in the back with the unconscious Kile and they all sit in the front, Kalabora drives
Kile wakes up.....so does the bear
Kile: !!!!!!!!!!! Kile jumps out the car
The bear hits Kalabora
Kalabora: Stop it, animemaster!
animemaster: Hm? What are you talking about?
Kalabora: Don't be funny!
The bear hits animemaster
animemaster: Why'd you hit me?!
Kalabora: I hit you because you hit me! !!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T HIT YOU!!!!
animemaster: Yes, you did! You hit me, but I didn't hit you.
Kalabora: Ah, skip it.
everyone gets hit
Kalbora: !!! What dopes we are! It was Kile all along! Kile?
They all turn around to see the bear
ALL: !!!!!!!!!
They all jump out the car and the bear takes the wheel
Tenchey: Look!
The bear sticks out his left arm signaling a left turn and turns left
A crash is heard
They all rush to the car which is wrecked on a tree, half on the ground and half crunched up on the tree trunk
The bear is gone
Kalbora: The car! When Kile sees this...!!!
animemaster: You're forgetting....Kile is gone...the bear ate him up.
They all lament on the memory of Kile
Kalabora: Oh, woe is Terro.
Kile comes from behind the tree holding an axe
Kile: Oh, woe is YOU!!!!!!
Kile sends the axe crashing down on Kalabora's head
Kalabora grabs his head
Kalabora: OH! OH! OH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Oh! Look!
Kalabora points to the axe head
ALL: !!!
The axe blade is ruined
AT THE SET
animemaster: I can't believe we didn't get a trophy.
Kile: Doesn't bother me. I like animals....I don't like to see them hurt.
Kile goes back to his ready room leaving the cast in the main room
Kalabora: That was fun, though.
ragnarock: Yeah.
Tenchey: Utterly senseless.......
Kile (From other room): SWEET MERCIFUL GOD!!!!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Mac (From other room): It--it wasn't me...Kile? Kile?? KILE????? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT???!!! Put the chair down--PUT the chair DOWN!!! Kile?
Tenchey: Shouldn't we stop him?
ragnarock: And get ourselves hurt? Naahhhh.......
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STAFF ROOM
Kile: If he weren't my grandpa....I'd kill him...
Tenchey: He mess up your ready room again?
Kile nods
Kile: Ryo-Ohki, Luna, Ruby, Crono's cat, and who knows who else was there?
ragnarock: I thought your grandpa was married.
animemaster: He is. But don't you remember him saying his wife probably wasn't into beastiality....or something to that effect.
ragnarock: Oh, yeah....
Kalabora: The end is near.....
Mac: It's getting hot in here, so all girls take off all your clothes!
Kile: Don't make me put out a cigar on your head.
Mac: ??? You're still here?
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Interviews 2
by:
Kile Terro
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
*Welcome to the Sp--Ah, screw it.*
The cast is in Kile's ready room
Kile: It's that time of the year again!
Tenchey: The time when we all run in circles for no apparent reason?
Kalabora: The time when we play Final Fantasy VII until our eyes fall out because of the crappy sprites?
ragnarock: The time when we read "Dune?"
animemaster: The time when my brother makes fun of "Interviews" and Kile gives all his money to Videl in exchange for--
Tenchey: Nookie?
Fred Durst busts through the wall
Fred: I did it all for the nookie! C'mon, the nookie! C'mon! So you can that cookie and stick it up your--!!!
animemaster: YEAH!!!
Fred: Stick it up your--!!!
Tenchey: YEAH!!!
Fred: Stick it up your....!!!
Fred Durst busts through the other wall
Kile: ........Hey! Whatever happened to the Great Wall of Dumbass?
animemaster: Let's see.
Everyone goes outside
animemaster: DUDE!!!!
Kalabora and ragnarock: Dune?
animemaster: No, 'Dude!' with a 'D!'
The Great Wall of Dumbass is no longer there and hall been replaced with a small fence of cat feces
Kile: Where did...?
Tenchey: Look!
Tenchey points to a child with a cat
Janus: DAMMIT!!! Work, Alfador!
Alfador: M......eow....
Janus: WORK!!!!
Alfador: F*** YOU!!!!!!
Janus: !!! .........................
Kile: We need a vacation...
Rufus from Final Fantasy VII comes out of nowhere
Rufus: Need a vacation?
animemaster: I thought you were dead!
Kalabora: I'm not that far in the game! You've spoiled it for me!
Rufus: This is the land of the dead and you act surprised I'M here but not when you've seen Fred Durst.
Eminem comes out of nowhere
Eminem: Christina Aguielara better switch me chairs, so I can sit next to Carson Baily and Fred Durst--
Eminem disappears just as mysteriously as he came......
Kile: Y'know, that's getting REALLY annoying.
Rufus: For just 1000 Gil I can book you a romantic cabin deep in the woods.
Kile: What the HELLS are you talking about??? We're 6 guys! Why would we want a ROMANTIC cabin????
Rufus: Whoops, sorry. I've been out of Midgar too long....loussy Mukki...and I thought I was his "Bubby..." He's already found another!
Kile (Whispering to Tenchey): This guy's outta his mind.
Mac comes out of nowhere
Mac: WHERE'S RYO-OHKI???!!!
Kile: Did you take ALL the Viagra?
Mac: No........................Yes.
Kile: Hey, we just now fixed the ready room. Why do you think we've taken so long making another Interviews?
Mac: The author's a lazy-ass bastard?
Tenchey: But has a wide selection of hentai. Especially FF7. Currently 35 pics AND RISING!!!
Kile: Like me while reading "Secret Plot."
Everyone looks at Kile
Kile: .................What?
Rufus: Back to the matter at hand....For 500 Gil you can use a cabin that seems to be straight out of the Three Stooges Short "Idiots Deluxe."
animemaster: What are ya? Cra--?
Kile: We'll take it.
Rufus: Use this helicopter! It's programmed to take you there.
Everyone gets in
Rufus: Hey! What about my Gil?!
Tenchey: Oh, yeah, sorry.
Tenchey hands him 500 fish gills.
They leave on the helicopter
Rufus: !!! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!! MUKKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rufus falls over crying
AT THE TOWN BEFORE THE CABIN
animemaster: I thought this was programed to take us to the cabin.
Kile: Never look a gift horse in the foot.
animemaster: How is this a gift hors--?
Tenchey: We can get supplies!
animemaster: ...................Oh.
They go into a store
Redneck: Youse the indervuing guys off the telvijin!
Kile: Yeah.......
Redneck: You that Kyle guy, right?
Kile: Actually...that's "Kile."
Redneck: That's what I said..."Kyle."
Kile: No, it's "Kile."
This arguement continues for a while.....say 8 hours
animemaster: You know, after reading enough Kile Terro fics, "Kile" actually seems to be the correct spelling.
Tenchey: Really?
Kile: I tell you!! It's "KILE!!!!!!"
Redneck: RIGHT!!!!! "KYLE!!!!!!!"
Kalabora: This is easily remedied.
ragnarock: "Easily remedied?" You talk to Kile too much, you're beginning to sound like him.
Kalabora: Mr. Redneck, Kile here--
Redneck: Yeah, "Kyle."
Kile: Go to Hells!
Kalabora: Anyway, he means Kile with an 'I.' Whereas you mean Kyle with a 'Y....' Correct?
Redneck: Carrot...
Kile: He means "correct." (Stupid hillbilly. This is why I hate living in Arkansas.)
Kalabora: Anyhow, It's Kile with an 'I,' So, GET THE F OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The redneck leaves
Reneck (Crying): I'm gonna go join the WWE, man!!!
Kile: .......
They get supplies and go to the cabin
They unload
They enter
Kile: All that in three lines!
animemaster: What are you talking about?
Kile: Oh, nothing.
ragnarock: We're in luck!
Tenchey: What?
ragnarock: I saw a sign on the way up here! "Fine for hunting!"
Kile: I think you may have something there!
ragnarock: Can I get cured?
Kile: Hope so.
Kile sits down next to the stove
Kile: Since this wouldn't be "Interviews" without interviews, so I will interview this frying pan.
animemaster: God.........
Kile: So, where were you born?
Frying pan: .........................................
Kile : .....What is your job?
Kalabora: This!
Kalabora walks over to the frying pan, picks it up and slams it down on Kile's head
Kile: !!! What are you doing?!
Kalabora: I don't have enough lines! All I ever do is introduce guests and once in a while share an opinion!
Kile: Crikey! Sor-ry.
Tenchey: Shouldn't we rest for the night.
They rest and leave by car in the morning to go deeper into the woods
animemaster: Is it just me or is this the car from "Idiots Deluxe?"
Kile: Maybe.
ragnarock: More signs!
SIGNS: No smoking, no fishing, no fires, no nothing, go home.
Kile: Didna say anything about hunting...so we press on!
They get out of the car and walk past the signs
When the last person walks by, the wind blows a tree limb out of in front of a sign saying "No hunting"
They walk past trees
A thin limb is in their way and to get past it they push it and when they let go it swings back and hits the person behind them
Kile: Shh! A bear.
Kile points at a bear
Bear: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tenchey holds his ground
Tenchey: Rrrrruff!!!!!!! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuufffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ruff!!!!!!!!
The bear runs into his cave whimpering
Tenchey: Come back, you cowards! He's a coward, too!
They all return
They walk over to the bear's cave
Kile: What do we do?
ragnarock: We barricade the cave with rocks, he suffocates, and we have no holes in the trophy.
Kalabora: Good idea.
Kile: Yeah.
They toss stones over to each other like footballs (You know, tossing the rocks between their legs.)
One hits Kile in the head and he falls over unconscious
Kalabora: You okay, Kile?
Kile: ..................
They toss Kile in the back of the car
They return and continue tossing rocks the same way as before
The bear had already left and a renegade rock hit him in the head
The bear falls over unconscious and everyone runs over to him
Kalabora: It's dead!
ragnarock: You sure?
Kalabora: Don't believe me? Put your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.
ragnarock: N-no, thanks. I'll take your word for it.
They toss the bear in the back with the unconscious Kile and they all sit in the front, Kalabora drives
Kile wakes up.....so does the bear
Kile: !!!!!!!!!!! Kile jumps out the car
The bear hits Kalabora
Kalabora: Stop it, animemaster!
animemaster: Hm? What are you talking about?
Kalabora: Don't be funny!
The bear hits animemaster
animemaster: Why'd you hit me?!
Kalabora: I hit you because you hit me! !!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T HIT YOU!!!!
animemaster: Yes, you did! You hit me, but I didn't hit you.
Kalabora: Ah, skip it.
everyone gets hit
Kalbora: !!! What dopes we are! It was Kile all along! Kile?
They all turn around to see the bear
ALL: !!!!!!!!!
They all jump out the car and the bear takes the wheel
Tenchey: Look!
The bear sticks out his left arm signaling a left turn and turns left
A crash is heard
They all rush to the car which is wrecked on a tree, half on the ground and half crunched up on the tree trunk
The bear is gone
Kalbora: The car! When Kile sees this...!!!
animemaster: You're forgetting....Kile is gone...the bear ate him up.
They all lament on the memory of Kile
Kalabora: Oh, woe is Terro.
Kile comes from behind the tree holding an axe
Kile: Oh, woe is YOU!!!!!!
Kile sends the axe crashing down on Kalabora's head
Kalabora grabs his head
Kalabora: OH! OH! OH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Oh! Look!
Kalabora points to the axe head
ALL: !!!
The axe blade is ruined
AT THE SET
animemaster: I can't believe we didn't get a trophy.
Kile: Doesn't bother me. I like animals....I don't like to see them hurt.
Kile goes back to his ready room leaving the cast in the main room
Kalabora: That was fun, though.
ragnarock: Yeah.
Tenchey: Utterly senseless.......
Kile (From other room): SWEET MERCIFUL GOD!!!!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Mac (From other room): It--it wasn't me...Kile? Kile?? KILE????? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT???!!! Put the chair down--PUT the chair DOWN!!! Kile?
Tenchey: Shouldn't we stop him?
ragnarock: And get ourselves hurt? Naahhhh.......
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
STAFF ROOM
Kile: If he weren't my grandpa....I'd kill him...
Tenchey: He mess up your ready room again?
Kile nods
Kile: Ryo-Ohki, Luna, Ruby, Crono's cat, and who knows who else was there?
ragnarock: I thought your grandpa was married.
animemaster: He is. But don't you remember him saying his wife probably wasn't into beastiality....or something to that effect.
ragnarock: Oh, yeah....
Kalabora: The end is near.....
Mac: It's getting hot in here, so all girls take off all your clothes!
Kile: Don't make me put out a cigar on your head.
Mac: ??? You're still here?
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