THE MISTAKE part one

Timeline: JA #5 and 6

Genre: Angst

~*~


I cannot believe I did it. I just can't believe it, and I doubt I ever will believe it and definitely will never be able to understand it or my reasoning. I told my Master - no wait - my ex-Master, that I had found something not worth fighting for, but worth dying for. At the time I believed it, with all my heart, I believed it.

I wanted to help the Young, I wanted to help Nield, but most of all, I wanted to help Cerasi.

Cerasi.

Her name still is in my mind all the time. I realized, as I held her in my arms, I loved her. More than anyone I had ever known before. Sure, I love Bant like a best friend and a sister. I love (even if he doesn't anymore) Qui-Gon like a father. But with Cerasi, it was different. I loved her. And there's no other way for me to put it. Whenever I saw her, my stomach would turn over, and I would get butterflies like I had never know. And when I lost her, I felt a pain like I had never know. She died in my arms and I 'm still unable to comprehend it.

There are a lot of things that I refuse to accept right now. My total abandonment of the Jedi Order, my leaving Qui-Gon, Cerasi dying, Nield turning against me. It all is a large blur, one that I want to erase from my memory forever.

But I can't. I never will be able to either. It's all a part of me now.

It amazes me that Qui-Gon actually wanted to come back and help me. I thought he hated me. I guess he still could hate me, but be doing his duty as a Jedi. I wish I could run to him and ask him to take me back as his Padawan. Make everything better, but my mistakes are well past the point of forgiveness.

I pulled my lightsaber on him. On my Master! I could smack myself right now for that, but injuring myself will do no good. At least not now, later though, I'll remind myself about the smack.

I see his ship coming into view now and feel my throat tighten up. I now know how much he means to me. He was my teacher, my friend, and he even began to become my father. A Master and Padawan Bond is the strongest there is. Not even death can ruin it, but I threw it all away for some kids.

I realize that's not a fair thought. They weren't just kids. They were friends, and loved ones, even if I had just meet them. They were fighting for their lives and I had to choose to help them or leave them. I chose to help them, but not without remorse or regret.

If only there had been a compromise. We could have helped and then gone home. Everything would be fine now.

But it's not. It's all wrong.

All because of me.

His ship has now landed in front of me and I'm waiting patiently for the ramp to lower and for me to see my ex-Master again. I wish he would charge out of the ship and demand that I be his Padawan again.

It's a dream that I know will never happen. I'm no longer a Padawan- no longer a Jedi. The idea makes me sick, but I must live with it.

I see him at the top of the ramp and I begin to slowly move towards him. I feel tears in my eyes, but I hold them at bay. I made this decision because I thought I knew what I was doing; I thought I was being a responsible adult.

I wasn't, but I won't allow myself to act like a child, now. Not in front of him.

I watch him come closer to me and feel my knees going weak. I want to fight with him, protect him, and be his Padawan.

But I can't.

Our bond is gone, the respect is gone, and the trust is gone. Gone forever

I follow him as we travel further and further away from the ship.

Finally, Qui-Gon speaks to me.

"I was very grieved to hear your news about Cerasi." I hear he voice get a little softer. "I am truly sorry for your loss, Obi-Wan."

I don't know what to say. His sympathy was more than I ever expected. "Thank you."

It's all I can say and all that my throat will allow right now. I still have my face to his back and feel a small tear run down my cheek.

I just want things the way there were.

But they can't be the same.

Ever.

The End.