THE MISTAKE part two
Timeline: JA #5 and 6
Genre: Angst
~*~
I pace the cockpit of the ship for close to thirty minutes nonstop. The only other times I can remember pacing were before my Knighting, while my nerves were all on edge, and right before my fight with Xanatos. I paced then because of a combination of things, but mainly because I was in disbelief about my ex-apprentice's fall. Now, I pace because I'm still in shock and need something to try and get my thoughts in order.
Perhaps, I should have expected something like this from Obi-Wan. He was headstrong and passionate; two of the traits which originally turn me away from being his Master. However, after he stated he was willing to die for me, how could I not take him as my apprentice? I should have realized it was only a matter of time before he left the Jedi.
Left me.
I'm not sure if I'm more hurt by Xanatos' betrayal or by Obi-Wan's. Xanatos joined the Darkside; power and deception lured him. Soon, the power became too strong for him and he was forced to give his whole life towards his cause. Maybe he really wanted to come back to the Light, but could not because of the power of the Darkside. I'm not sure and will never be. But with Obi-Wan, he joined a cause, one that we should have been trying to prevent. He did nothing for power or any sort of gain, rather because he loved one of the fighters.
I know he loved Cerasi and he is suffering from her death. It hurts to lose a loved one. I know this well, for I have lost at least two I can name.
Both of which I was suppose to guide and teach.
When Obi-Wan came running towards the ship, I actually felt joy and relief that he was going to join Tahl and myself back to Coruscant. I never expected him to tell me he was staying behind.
I never expected him to draw his lightsaber on me.
When he did, I nearly fell to the ground with shock. It was Xanatos all over again. I drew my 'saber and we stood like that for what felt like hours. Neither of us really wanted to attack the other, but we also had no idea as to what we should do. He finally moved and extinguished his 'saber, holding it out for me.
I was numb when I took it. I know I spoke to him about making a choice, but it really was not my mind talking, rather my mouth just formed whatever words it wanted to. He spoke back to me about something worth dying for and I knew then and there that I had lost him.
He was willing to die for the Young and Cerasi.
There was nothing I could say to him that would bring him back so I did the only thing I could think of.
I left.
In my heart I wanted to stay and plead with him to rethink everything, but I just could not get my body to cooperate, so that's why I left.
My mind was stubborn.
Once back on Coruscant and the Temple, I remember very little of how many days passed and what I did. I know I spoke with the Council and with Tahl. The only clear memory I have was when I was speaking with Yoda and he told me of a transmission.
When it lit up and I saw Obi-Wan and I wanted to scream at my Master, at my ex-apprentice, and at myself. Yet, I just began to refuse to listen to it...
...until I heard the three words fall out of Obi-Wan's mouth.
"Cerasi is dead."
I knew that this poor boy's heart was breaking from the death of this young girl. As I said, I knew he loved her and now he had lost her. In the reality of losing her, he had lost his goal and his cause. He lost everything that he had stayed behind for.
He had lost himself.
I listened to the rest of the message and told Yoda to tell Obi-Wan that I was coming for him. I knew I could help him even though he hurt me so deeply.
And now, here I am on the ship waiting to land on Melida/Daan and waiting to come face to face with Obi-Wan.
I am not looking forward to this.
I know we no longer have a bond, but I feel a sort of...connection to him anyway. After I had worked so hard to tell myself I do not want this boy as a Padawan he still entered my life.
I realized that I did need him and I even found myself loving him.
Loving him like a son.
And now he has left me and I have left him. What could have been a great bond and friendship is over in the blink of an eye.
I feel the ship descend and go to land it on the planet. All too quickly I find myself settled on the planet's surface and open the ship's back door. I regain my composure and stroll down to meet Obi-Wan.
The pain is clear on his face and I see the thirteen-year boy for what he is.
A boy.
A boy who made a mistake he wished he could fix. A boy that is lost and alone. A boy who is grieving for the death of a friend, the loss of a Master, and the lost of his future.
I find my voice and speak gently to him. "I was very grieved to hear your news about Cerasi." My voice gets a bit softer. "I am truly sorry for your loss, Obi-Wan."
It is the truth. I am terribly sorry that he has to go through this pain, but I refuse to let him see my pain. I am a Jedi Master- I do not grieve for the lost of a Padawan outwardly.
He whispers a small thank you to me and we slowly walked side by side towards the center of Melida/Daan.
I notice he turns his face away from me, but I see a small tear run down his cheek. I wish I could put my arm around him and give him a hug he needs so desperately.
But I don't.
I wish things could be the way there were.
But they can't be the same.
Ever.
The End.