GREEN EYED MONSTER

Timeline: JA books

Genre: Angst

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I try not to let it bother me, but some how I can't help it. It bothers me so deeply. So much, that every time I see them together my stomach drops because I know that I am forgotten. When he sees her, she becomes his whole world. Whatever he can do to help her, he will. Whatever she wants, he'll get her. Even when she doesn't want him near her, he'll stay by her. My Master and Tahl have a bond that I am envious of.

I know what I feel is wrong- I know that jealously is unbecoming of a Jedi Padawan, but I just can't help it. I am envious of Tahl- there's no other way to say it. I want what she has with my Master. I want to be the one that Qui-Gon will bug until I relent and tell him everything. I want to be the one that he will go great lengths to help, but I'm not.

I'm only his Padawan.

The boy that he never wanted and tried so hard never to get.

I'm to blame solely for the lack of a bond that my Master and I share. After Melida/Daan, everything we had started to have was shattered and I know he turned to Tahl for guidance. She became the person in his life that didn't betrayed him- she became his life when I left. Once I came back he couldn't let go of her and hasn't.

She's the person that Qui-Gon can trust. He knows he can't trust me, no matter how badly I let him know he can. He already knows that I am quick to betray and who would want to hold someone like that close to his or her heart?

Of course, my Master cares for me- I know this, but I'm second in his heart. I know, even if he doesn't, that he loves Tahl. Whether as a lover, or a close friend I cannot deceiver, but he loves her. He only cares for me.

Many times I've seen how deeply he cares for her. Every time he watches her sightless eyes focus on a task before her that she cannot see, but still attempts- his heart swells with pride. Every time he sees her misstep on account of not being able to see- his heart breaks. Every time that she pushes him away- his heart pursues her. His heart is hers and it's breaking mine.

Every time I see him looking at her with pride for some small task she completes, I feel my breath stop in my throat. Why can't I be the one that he has that gaze for? Why can't I be the one that gets his praise, his devotion, and his love?

Tahl may be flawed, her sightless eyes will forever remain unseeing, but I am flawed, too, and mine is not physical. I am an unworthy Padawan of Qui-Gon Jinn, he deserves so much better than I can ever do.

He deserves Tahl.

One day, I'm certain he and Tahl will complete each other and Obi-Wan Kenobi will slowly fad into the night. I'm ready to accept that because he loves her and I love him. Anything that will make him happy, I will give him. He is my world and only should be given the best that can be offered. If he wants Tahl then I want him to be with her.

One day it will happen, and my heart may fall to pieces when it does, but my Master's will be complete and, in the end, that's all that matters.

I want him to be happy, no matter how much it hurts me.

Because I'm only his Padawan and Tahl is his world.

The End.