FINDING THE TRUTH

Timeline: JA books (sequel to Green Eyed Monster)

Genre: Angst

~*~

I hear the soft rustling of robes just in my doorway and slowly my eyes head in that direction. I look up to see Qui-Gon standing there staring at me intently. I meet his gaze and offer a small smile.

"Hello, Master."

He continues to stare which slowly starts to unnerve me. Did I do something wrong that I forgot about? Am I failing a class? Nothing pops in my head, so I just stare back with my head slightly tilted in question. I know my Master and he'll get the idea.

For a few seconds longer he just looks at me and I notice something about his eyes. They look…sad. Very sad and empty. Oh, Force, is all I can think, what did I do?

A hand reaches into one of the many pockets of his Jedi robes and I watch as my Master pulls out a small data pad.

"I found this." His voice is hollow sounding to my ears.

"Whose is it?"

He doesn't answer, but flips the pad in my direction. It lands with a 'thump' on the bed I'm sitting on and I lean over to look closer at it.

"Do you want to explain this to me?" He questions just as I activate the opening page and read it.

Property of Obi-Wan Kenobi

It's my journal…well…of sorts. It's more of an old pad I carry around with me to write certain things when I have the urge. Sometimes it's mission assignments, letters to friends, or even my thoughts. I haven't seen it around since the last time I wrote in it, which was…

Oh, Force.

Suddenly, the room seems much too small and the in it air much to thin. I begin to try and calm myself, surely my Master would never read this. It's my property and he's never invaded my space before.

"Explain what?" My voice is hoarse due to the fact I can't get any saliva to my tongue.

Qui-Gon crosses his arms in that certain 'Master' way. The one that clearly says 'you know what I'm talking about.' Oh Sith, please let this be a horrid nightmare.

"You wrote something quite," he pauses, trying to find the right word, "interesting." The tone isn't cruel or sarcastic, but pained.

No. This isn't happening.

He wasn't supposed to know.

"It is true?" The question barely reaches my ears, but I can hear the pain in his voice clearly.

My secret. My feelings. My pain.

They aren't his to know.

"Is what true?" If I keep adverting it, it will go away.

"What you wrote?"

Force, I'm shaking. He wasn't supposed to know. "What did you read?"

His arms fly up in the air. "Padawan, do not do this." A crack in his voice causes me to flinch. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. That…that…entry. Did you mean what you wrote?" He's reached his breaking point.

Mentally, I think back to the subconscious writing I did just last night while Qui-Gon was out with Tahl.

I am envious of Tahl.

He wasn't supposed to read any of it.

I'm only his Padawan.

How could he read it?

The boy that he never wanted and tried so hard never to get.

Force, he knows everything.

Why can't I be the one that gets his praise, his devotion, and his love?

My breathing becomes short and my mind blank. All I can see and hear are my words- those damnable words.

I am an unworthy Padawan of Qui-Gon Jinn, he deserves so much better than I can ever do.

I look up to see my Master's eyes boring into me, still waiting for an answer to his question.

I want him to be happy, no matter how much it hurts me.

"Yes." I barely crock it out and it's only a whisper, but I know he's heard it.

I expect him to yell, to just turn and walk away leaving. I expect him to do anything, but what he does.

"I'm sorry."

Anything that will make him happy, I will give him.

My eyes jerk off of the datapad where they had been resting. "Why?"

I am an unworthy Padawan.

He takes a few steps further inside my room and stops just shy of the bed I'm occupying. "Oh, Padawan," he whispers and takes a seat next to me.

I swallow hard.

Of course, my Master cares for me.

"Master?"

"I'm sorry." He states again and takes the pad from the bed. His eyes scan over it quickly and, once he is finished, I can see tears have glazed over his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Obi-Wan."

I don't know what to do, so I don't do anything.

I love him.

An arm suddenly engulfs my shoulder and, before I can register what's going on, I find myself pressed tightly against my Master's chest. He holds one hand gently over my head, smoothing the spiky hair underneath, and his other arm has been placed around my back.

He's hugging me.

The realization takes me by complete surprise. My Master, the stoic Jedi, is hugging me.

He is my world.

And suddenly, tears are in my eyes and falling into Qui-Gon's robe. My hands reach out blindly and grab the dark brown fabric in tight fists. I try to take a deep breath, to stop the tears, but the intake of air causes a shudder to run through me and, before long, I start to release uncontrolled sobs.

He knows everything and he's…he's…

…sorry.

I can't stop the tears and, all the while, Qui-Gon gently rubs a hand over my back murmuring 'I'm so sorry'.

The sobbing subsides some, but I keep the death-grip I hold on his robe and make no move to remove my head from the confines of his chest. My Master begins to make a soft rocking motion which is occupied with softly spoken words.

"I care for you more than anyone else in this whole galaxy. I am so sorry you didn't understand that. So very sorry." He sighs deeply. "You are my world and always will be, Padawan. No one will ever take your place in my heart."

I love him.

"I love you."

A sob hitches my voice as I battle to get one important statement out. Qui-Gon gently pulls me closer and, though it's blanketed by his robes, I know he hears. "I love you, too, Master."


The End.