By Ruthless Bunny
I'm in a head-banging mood. I just got off the phone with Mom and thank God I got into the art colony. Not that I'm looking forward to spending the summer in the middle of a wheat field, not specifically, but I'm definitely looking forward to getting the hell out of Lawndale.
Daria and Tom are busy feeling each other out, or up. Daria. She is not number one on my list right now, unless you mean my shit list, in which case, she's number one with a bullet. A bullet. No, I'm not that mad. Maybe I am.
You know how in the front part of your brain, you realize that everything that has happened is no one's fault? Tom and I were already on the road to Splitsville. I guess that Tom had started to like Daria somewhere along the line. I didn't want to see it though.
If I had to admit something, and I don't like to admit anything, I'd say that I was with Tom for the wrong reasons. I'd also say that he was with me for the wrong reasons. You get this idea in your head about what it would be like to have a boyfriend. I figured that I'd be with someone who admired my art and thought I was cute. It was weird having a preppie want to be with me. What I liked about it was that you could see that people didn't get it. That should have been my first clue. I just wanted someone to kiss.
I love kissing. You can lose your thoughts in it. I love all of that stuff. I used to daydream about taking naps with Tom, me wrapped in his arms as we dozed on a Saturday afternoon. Not that we ever did that, that would have been romantic. We mostly just tongue wrestled.
So why was I with Tom? Because he wanted to be with me. There. How's that for honesty? At first he was charming. But when you first meet people, you get to see them at their cutest. When you start a relationship with them, you've got to actually deal with ALL of them, not just the parts that you like.
At first we had lots to talk about. Our worlds were so different. For instance, his family is really wealthy. Our family is well off too, but we've got enough money to cover the bills. They have serious money.
One thing about that was that there was this underlying feeling that he deigned to be with me. Vocabulary word, but it's the best description. I got the impression that he picked me, not that it was a mutual thing. Everything we did together was his idea. I'd start out suggesting something and he had this way of making it sound like it was stupid if he didn't want to do it. If he did want to do it, he'd make me feel like I guessed correctly. I got to the point where I'd recommend something that I knew he'd want to do and I was actually happy that I had gotten it right.
So I spent the next year thinking of myself as a girl with a boyfriend. You have no idea how much that matters. At school I felt like a freak. When I was younger I tried to fit in. My family just doesn't fit in. My parents, while they love me, are so wrapped up in their own drama that they don't have time for me. I remember going to school in the oddest outfits. I was just a kid. My parents, instead of saying, "You can't wear the fairy princess tiara with jeans and a feather boa," let me go to school like that. They thought they were letting me express myself. What I needed was a mom who would lay out my clothes for me every night, right down to the Barbie underpants. I hated being the strange one. I wanted so much just to blend in with the other kids.
Say what you want about individuality, but when all the kids seem to act and look one way and you're acting and looking another way, the loneliness is terrible. After a while I figured that I would never get it right. All the kids would be wearing poodle dog barrettes, and I'd still be wearing ribbons. They'd switch over to Gap Kids gear and I was wearing my sister's hand-me-downs from the US festival. There was no way I was ever going to be one of them, so I figured I'd be really, really different. Like I meant to be that way.
At least the teachers liked me. There was always someone to tell me that my work was original. Usually art teachers. I was never very good at the academic stuff. So I gravitated to art. It gave me an identity. I was the arty chick. The other kids still had their cliques and groups, but I at least had a definition for myself. I was into art.
So how did Tom fit into all of this? The most important thing was that he was the wet dream of all the normal girls. He made me seem like there was a point to my being different, like he could see that I wasn't weird, but that I was special. Everyone needs to feel special. When we'd go out the heads would turn. "Oh, there's Jane with her boyfriend. Isn't he really rich or something?" It was sick, because it meant that I was better because I was with him. His presence made everyone else think about what they thought of me. I liked that.
So here I was, Jane with my boyfriend accessory. You know what I got out of the deal, so what did he get out of the deal? It's the rich kid way of rebelling. You don't fuck up your grades. You don't get into drugs. You date people that your parents disapprove of. Tom used to parade me in front of his family like I was a flag. He'd invent reasons to have me come over to his house. Ultimately it was unrewarding for him because his mom was really cool about it. Of course, how many people end up with people they date in high school? She is one smart lady. She'd smile and tell us to eat something and go about her business.
Tom really tried to stir up confrontation about me. His mom would mention some event, a dance or a picnic or some crap like that and he'd go into this big deal about how he didn't want to go and that she couldn't make him. She was brilliant; she'd just smile and look at me, "Jane, maybe you'd like to come too?" So there I was the pawn in a family power struggle. If I said I wanted to go, then Tom would get all bent out of shape. If I didn't want to go, I was the bad influence on her son. Oh yeah, I loved that. The funny thing was that Tom would put me in the middle like that all the time. I can see it now, but at the time I was so intent on keeping him happy, that I didn't care.
Daria saw it right away. She was pissed off at him from jump-street. When we first got together she was such a bitch to him. I thought it was because she was jealous. I had a boyfriend and she didn't. Although if you ask me the last thing Daria wanted was a boyfriend. I couldn't really figure out what it was that made her so angry. Tom thought it was because we were spending more time together and she felt left out. I thought, "yeah, that must be it." What other explanation could there be? Now, I have a different thought.
I think she knew that he wasn't right for me. I think she knew that what he liked about me wasn't what was cool about me. Sure, I'm cute when I work at it, and I'm not stupid. But what did we ever have in common? Nothing. That's the truth. He didn't get art. I didn't get his academic stuff. We might have liked some of the same bands, but other than that, nada.
So Daria was hostile towards him. I hated that. She was such an asshole. It made me look bad. Why was I hooked up with this psycho bitch? But they managed to work it out. I should have seen it coming. If I had really analyzed the situation, I would have seen that he could kill two birds with one stone by being with Daria. They have all of that academic shit to discuss. Books, history, the things that bore me to tears. But let's face it; Daria is not the girl you bring home to mom, unless you really want to piss her off.
Because I wasn't all that in tune with Tom, I never saw it coming; but somewhere he and Daria sparked. I missed everything. Okay, that's not true. I saw it coming a mile away, but what could I do about it? What I really hoped was that Daria would shut him down. What did she need him for? I needed him to be a normal person. She didn't care about what other people thought. So why did she take him away from me?
I think that when Tom and I broke up, and yeah, I know that it was inevitable, that I could have dealt with it, as long as I had my best friend to help me through it. I needed her to listen to all that break up bullshit. I needed her to whine to. I needed Daria to be my friend at one of the biggest emotional moments of my life, but where was she? She was with HIM! I'm mad all over just thinking about it.
I invested all of that time into my friendship with Daria, and now, I had nothing. I had less than nothing. I could have been making another friend somewhere. I could have at least been in a club or in a group where I could lose myself in an activity until the hurt of losing Tom subsided. But because I was hanging out with Daria, and because she wasn't a joiner, I had no one. That bitch left me high and dry.
Oh, and the nerve of her to make it her drama. I lose my boyfriend and my best friend at the same time, I'm humiliated in front of everyone I know and she's moping around like something terrible happened to her.
All she had to do was tell him no. Then the two of us could be burning his shit in a bonfire and eating pizza together. We could have lived through a horrible experience and gained strength from each other. But that dumb cunt decided that it was more important to explore her feelings. She didn't have feelings for Tom, she just decided that it was time to have a boyfriend and he was ready, willing and available. Daria may be smart, but she's fucking lazy when it comes to social interaction. If you don't go to her, then you don't get to know her. She never made a first move in her life.
So there they are, the betrayers. Tom, I don't really care about. In a perfect world, I'd never have to see him again. Daria, so selfish and blind that she'd throw away our friendship for a relationship that's doomed from the start. Yeah, that's right. Trust me, that controlling shit that Tom does is interesting for about a year, then she'll wake up one day and dump his ass. I only wish I had the satisfaction of dumping him first. Now I look like an asshole. Thanks a lot guys. Instead of being Jane, recovering from a break up, I'm Jane, the bimbo whose best friend stole her boyfriend. It doesn't matter that there were other issues; the fact is that I'll be labeled as the loser in this situation. Fuck!
Well, at least I've got a plan. There is no way that I'm hanging around all summer watching the two of them deal with each other. I'm going to get out of here and meet some new people, people who are like me. I don't need to settle for Daria as my friend. I'll find someone that shares my passion for paint. I might even have romantic adventures. I know that I thought I'd stay a virgin until I was in college, but if there's a promising prospect out there, who knows?
I feel better all ready. I'll be in the mountains. I'll be painting and sculpting. I'll meet all kinds of interesting folks. Who needs this? I've got a future, and it's not limited to one girl who doesn't know the value of a true friend.
I can't wait to spring this on her. I have this wonderful new opportunity and she's got Tom. I can't help but laugh. Tom trying to make Daria into some social butterfly. I sure hope he likes sitting around, because he's in for a whole lot of nothing for the summer.
Oh, Trent's home, I'm going to go tell him about this. And while I'm at it, I'll tell him to quit trying to get me back with Daria. I'll play it off for now, but when I get back in the fall, I'm going to have bigger fish to fry than how I'm going to stay friends with Daria. Trust me.