No matter how many times or how many different ways Spike thought about it,
he couldn't believe it. Let alone accept it.
Buffy's dead. She's gone.
"Not coming back." He whispered softly
Saying the words aloud didn't seem to make it any more real either.
He knew it was true, it had to be. After all he was standing right beside
her grave looking down at the hard grey headstone that bore her name. He
could reach out his hand and feel the smoothness of the carved stone. Trace
over the engraved letters with his fingertips if he wanted to, but he
didn't. He couldn't let himself give in to the idea that he would never see
her again. Never feel the power of her angry fist sweeping across his jaw
the way it so frequently did when ever he crossed her. Never again.
But he knew it was true. It just was. Plain and simple.
He was there when it happened for heaven's sake. He lay bleeding in the rubble, paralysed by disbelieving silence as her tiny body plummeted towards the earth. He watched as she willingly launched herself in to a dimensional gateway just below the peak of that bloody tower, knowing full well that supernatural forces it contained would claim her life and kill her before she even hit the ground.
She did it all for the greater good. To close the breech between the two worlds and save humanity from the wrath of a hell god yet again. He'd known for a long time that it was already too late, humanity was already damned. There would always be another apocalypse waiting just around the corner, he figured that Buffy probably knew that too but what choice did she have?
She sacrificed her life for her devoted friends. It was her last testament to how much she loved them, to prove how far she would go to keep them safe and happy in this freak show existence. Happy. Yeah, right. Like any one of them could ever be happy again without Buffy by their side. Didn't she know that a world without her in it would be the worst kind of hell of all? The devil himself would be hard pushed to come up with any place or torture that could compare with the torment her absence would cause.
At least that was what Spike thought and he had no trouble believing it because he was living it everyday, well night anyway. The only reason he even made the effort to cope with her death was that she was there beneath his feet and maybe, just maybe, she could hear him.
He wished with everything he had left inside the crumbling effigy of his past self that she would rise from the earth. He willed her to reach up and punch his lights out, anything. He desperately wanted one more moment with her, he didn't care what she wanted to do to him, she could stake him if she felt like it as long as he got to see her one last time. But at the bottom of his own cold dead heart he knew it wouldn't happen, even though Sunnydale was sitting on top of the Hellmouth, a place where all kinds of nastiness arose from the ground on a nightly basis, it wouldn't happen to Buffy.
He wasn't that lucky.
Besides, shouldn't he remember her as he always saw her? Beautiful and full of life with so much love to give, if not to him. He didn't want to think of her as a rotting corpse laying a prisoner in the ground.
For a split second he was visited by the memory of his own death and what it felt like to be trapped beneath all that dirt. He remembered being cold and overwhelmed with confusion alone in the darkness. How was he supposed to know that the afterlife wasn't spending eternity in a wooden box? He'd never been religious so he figured that was what you got for not being a believer and as Dru had murdered him she hadn't exactly taken time out to explain that he would reawaken as a vampire, all ready to embark on his life: part two. He just thought he was dead and that was that. At least until she had yanked him back into the world by his hair in her impatience for him to be reborn into evil.
The vision of Drusilla's face quickly faded and was replaced once again by Buffy's. He couldn't recall the precise moment when the reality of the graveyard scene before him had merged into the precious memories and images of his unrequited love but he suddenly realised his eyes were closed.
He opened them again slowly to take one last look at her grave. For tonight anyway. As he did so a tear swam down his chiselled face but he hurriedly wiped it away, embarrassed, although he didn't know why. There was no one else around to see it was there?
As Spike whispered his goodbyes, a faint rustle in the surrounding bushes caught his attention and alerting his vampire senses. He was about to leave but he couldn't shake the feeling that he was being watched. He stopped dead in his tracks whipping his head around frantically, straining to hear the slightest sound.
There was none, but still...
"Who's there?" He questioned the darkness with a deep guttural growl letting whoever it was that was stalking him know that he wasn't about to be a willing victim. There was no reply but something flashed past him in his peripheral vision and before the image of a tall dark figure could register in his brain he felt the almighty blow of a right hook across his cheekbone. His face immediately hurt like hell and felt as though it had shattered into a thousand pieces. His instincts kicked in further and his vampire features exploded through his flesh but it was too late. His entire body collapsed from under him causing him to hit the ground with a dull and painful thud. Before he had chance to retaliate his attacker dropped all his own body weight on Spike's back, pinning him down hard.
"Hey!" Spike growled and almost swallowed a mouthful of the freshly cut grass pressing against his face.
The voice that answered him was unexpected but he recognised it all the same. "What the hell are you doing here Spike?" Angel demanded as he viscously flattened the palm of his hand deeper into his offspring's head.
Spike didn't answer, what was the bloody point? No matter what excuse he offered Angel would still probably beat seven shades of brown out of him anyway, instead he just lay there in complete surrender waiting for the inevitable.
For a second Angel was thrown by the submission, it wasn't like Spike to give up without a fight. Maybe he was faking until he could get back some of the advantage? Without letting his guard down he relaxed his grip on Spike and hauled him up to eye level.
Spike angrily thrust Angel's hands away from him and dusted down his long leather coat with a forlorn look upon his face. Angel was furious but more than that he was confused. He raised his eyebrows in question.
"I said what are you doing here?" He really wanted an answer.
"I heard you. Not bloody deaf you know!" Spike retorted running a hand through his ruffled white hair and shot a quick glance towards the grave. He sighed heavily. "I'm here for Buffy, alright?"
"What?" Angel's temper flared even more.
He looked Spike square in the face and thought he caught the slightest flicker of raw emotion in the vampires eyes. It looked for all the world as though he had been weeping. Surely not? The creature before him trying to return his own icy glare was once upon a time one of the most thoughtless and reckless vamps Angel had ever known. Because of his sheer stupidity and disrespect for the natural pecking order among the undead, "The Big Bad" had almost gained as much legendary status as Angelus had for his brutality and finesse. William The Bloody was long gone and in his place was a broken and grieving man filled with a regret so honest it was frightening.
He had lived for almost two hundred and fifty years as a vampire and he knew despair when he saw it and it was all there on Spike's face. He could relate to that but he sure as hell couldn't believe it, not for a second.
"You've got to be kidding me! What right do you have coming here..?"
Spike snapped before Angel could finish, he couldn't help it.
"What?" He yelled. "You think just cos you got lucky and shagged her first, you got some kinda monopoly on the girl?" For his troubles he got a second helping of knuckle sandwich that knocked him for six once again. As soon as Angel's fist had connected with his face Spike wondered, and not for the first time, what genetic defect he must have that cursed him with the complete inability to keep his sodding mouth shut.
Angel's anger had almost peaked and he stood there heaving heavily, pulling air in and out of his lungs. With his nostrils flaring like that, his dear old grandsire looked like a bull about to charge. It was a good thing that Spike wasn't wearing that old red shirt that Dru liked so much.
"Spike, just leave, okay."
Spike stood back up and was about to yell again but his cracked jaw was growing increasingly heavy and tight. The pain was excruciating. He winced slightly but managed to speak somehow.
"I may not have a soul or be all self righteous like you... but you're not the only one who loved her you know."
There was that flicker again and this time Angel relaxed a little but not too much. He understood what loving Buffy did to you. What it felt like to see her smile light up her entire face when she laughed. You could lose yourself in a face like that. Soul or no soul. He looked intently at Spike.
"Yeah." He relented. "I guess nobody was immune to Buffy."
"I'd have to agree with that." A third voice echoed through the clearing and both vamp's heads shot up at the sight of Buffy's last ex-boyfriend. Riley Finn.
Riley walked slowly towards Spike and Angel although he didn't want to get too close, it wasn't like they were friends or anything. Angel's nostrils began to twitch again and Spike clenched his aching jaw but neither vamp said a word to the youngster.
"I guess I should've known I'd bump into the two of you eventually." He shook his head.
"Funny. Thought we'd seen the last of you, jungle boy." Spike grinned sarcastically. "Well, hoped more like."
"Oh, that's right," Riley scowled. His hatred of Spike had left him a long time ago, mainly due to being preoccupied with demon fighting deep in the jungle but it suddenly came rushing back and seemed as fresh as ever. "I almost forgot, with me gone you had her all to yourself. How'd that work out for ya Spike?"
Both Riley and Angel leered at the blonde, waiting for him to allay their mutual fears that Buffy may have returned Spike's bizarre affections.
"Don't get your knickers in a twist. You know for a fact I never stood a chance." The others let out a noticeable sigh of relief but he wasn't finished. He turned again to Riley looking him directly in the face. "If memory serves me, neither did you though. Mate." He spat.
"What are you talking about? Buffy and I were together almost a year, I had her everyday..."
"Uh. We don't need to hear the details. Thanks." Angel cut in quickly.
Spike sniggered and shook his head. "You know what I'm talking about, we've had this conversation before. You may have *had* her as you so charmingly put it, but you never really had her. She never loved you and you know it."
"She never loved you either." Riley bit back.
Spike hung his head. The pain in his jaw was killing him but it didn't compare to the pain of never knowing Buffy's touch.
She'd openly loved Angel to the very end even though they hadn't been together for a long time. The only thing of Buffy's Spike had managed to lay claim to was perhaps the thinnest shred of her friendship.
"She gave her heart to 'soul boy', her body to you... although God only knows why, " He waved his hand flippantly in Riley's direction. "But what did she ever get in return? A kick in the bloody teeth is what. I may be a lot of things but at least I can say I tried. I was there for her when she needed someone." He swallowed hard. "When her Mum died... when that hell bitch Glory took Dawn and cut the poor little thing to ribbons, I was there! Fighting the good fight by her side!" His voice cracked giving way to his grief and anger but he didn't care anymore. "Where were you two?" He sniffed. "You cared about her so much, where the bloody hell were you?"
Both Riley and Angel stood shrouded in shame. It was true, every word of it. They had loved her equally in their own ways but for all it was worth they had both upped and left. When push came to shove they had abandoned her, leaving her alone to pick up the pieces and rebuild her shattered life.
"Lost for words hey?." Spike wiped his face on the back of his hand with all the grace of a troll. "She may not have loved me and whether you think I deserved it or not I couldn't care less but I like to think that just maybe I had her respect. You know?"
For once Spike was probably right and they couldn't take that away from him. After a moment of silence Angel found himself smiling a little.
"I don't know about you two but I could really go for a beer right about now."
Riley shook his head incredulously.
Spike grinned. "Beer sounds great, so long as you're buying."
EPILOGUE:
On the other side of town the red neon light that advertised the seediness of "Willy's Place" blinked and fizzled out completely. The bar's name sake sighed and flicked his finger shortly across the hot glass bulb. He managed to bring it back to life but for how long he had no idea.
"Hey Willy." A rather inebriated demon of non specific origin beckoned the human, catching his undivided attention. The bar was quiet tonight and Willy was glad for the interruption. Of the handful of demons sitting hunched over their glasses Gabe seemed to be the only one who was in the mood for a conversation. "What is it Gabe?" He asked polishing the counter top lazily. "Get a load of this, okay... These three guys walk into a bar," Willy began to smile but his attention was immediately stolen when the door swung wide open behind the drunk and in walked the three thorns in Willy's side. Angel, Spike and Riley stumbled over to a vacant booth looking more than a little dishevelled and sat lost in their own do-gooder world. Gabe hadn't registered Willy's sudden discomfort or even noticed that he had started rubbing nervously at the bar. "Three guys walk into a bar. Just my luck." Willy slapped the demon up side his head and sighed heavily. "Whatcha have to go and say that for huh?
Gabe swayed gently on his stool and muttered into his beer. "What? What I do?"
The End
But he knew it was true. It just was. Plain and simple.
He was there when it happened for heaven's sake. He lay bleeding in the rubble, paralysed by disbelieving silence as her tiny body plummeted towards the earth. He watched as she willingly launched herself in to a dimensional gateway just below the peak of that bloody tower, knowing full well that supernatural forces it contained would claim her life and kill her before she even hit the ground.
She did it all for the greater good. To close the breech between the two worlds and save humanity from the wrath of a hell god yet again. He'd known for a long time that it was already too late, humanity was already damned. There would always be another apocalypse waiting just around the corner, he figured that Buffy probably knew that too but what choice did she have?
She sacrificed her life for her devoted friends. It was her last testament to how much she loved them, to prove how far she would go to keep them safe and happy in this freak show existence. Happy. Yeah, right. Like any one of them could ever be happy again without Buffy by their side. Didn't she know that a world without her in it would be the worst kind of hell of all? The devil himself would be hard pushed to come up with any place or torture that could compare with the torment her absence would cause.
At least that was what Spike thought and he had no trouble believing it because he was living it everyday, well night anyway. The only reason he even made the effort to cope with her death was that she was there beneath his feet and maybe, just maybe, she could hear him.
He wished with everything he had left inside the crumbling effigy of his past self that she would rise from the earth. He willed her to reach up and punch his lights out, anything. He desperately wanted one more moment with her, he didn't care what she wanted to do to him, she could stake him if she felt like it as long as he got to see her one last time. But at the bottom of his own cold dead heart he knew it wouldn't happen, even though Sunnydale was sitting on top of the Hellmouth, a place where all kinds of nastiness arose from the ground on a nightly basis, it wouldn't happen to Buffy.
He wasn't that lucky.
Besides, shouldn't he remember her as he always saw her? Beautiful and full of life with so much love to give, if not to him. He didn't want to think of her as a rotting corpse laying a prisoner in the ground.
For a split second he was visited by the memory of his own death and what it felt like to be trapped beneath all that dirt. He remembered being cold and overwhelmed with confusion alone in the darkness. How was he supposed to know that the afterlife wasn't spending eternity in a wooden box? He'd never been religious so he figured that was what you got for not being a believer and as Dru had murdered him she hadn't exactly taken time out to explain that he would reawaken as a vampire, all ready to embark on his life: part two. He just thought he was dead and that was that. At least until she had yanked him back into the world by his hair in her impatience for him to be reborn into evil.
The vision of Drusilla's face quickly faded and was replaced once again by Buffy's. He couldn't recall the precise moment when the reality of the graveyard scene before him had merged into the precious memories and images of his unrequited love but he suddenly realised his eyes were closed.
He opened them again slowly to take one last look at her grave. For tonight anyway. As he did so a tear swam down his chiselled face but he hurriedly wiped it away, embarrassed, although he didn't know why. There was no one else around to see it was there?
As Spike whispered his goodbyes, a faint rustle in the surrounding bushes caught his attention and alerting his vampire senses. He was about to leave but he couldn't shake the feeling that he was being watched. He stopped dead in his tracks whipping his head around frantically, straining to hear the slightest sound.
There was none, but still...
"Who's there?" He questioned the darkness with a deep guttural growl letting whoever it was that was stalking him know that he wasn't about to be a willing victim. There was no reply but something flashed past him in his peripheral vision and before the image of a tall dark figure could register in his brain he felt the almighty blow of a right hook across his cheekbone. His face immediately hurt like hell and felt as though it had shattered into a thousand pieces. His instincts kicked in further and his vampire features exploded through his flesh but it was too late. His entire body collapsed from under him causing him to hit the ground with a dull and painful thud. Before he had chance to retaliate his attacker dropped all his own body weight on Spike's back, pinning him down hard.
"Hey!" Spike growled and almost swallowed a mouthful of the freshly cut grass pressing against his face.
The voice that answered him was unexpected but he recognised it all the same. "What the hell are you doing here Spike?" Angel demanded as he viscously flattened the palm of his hand deeper into his offspring's head.
Spike didn't answer, what was the bloody point? No matter what excuse he offered Angel would still probably beat seven shades of brown out of him anyway, instead he just lay there in complete surrender waiting for the inevitable.
For a second Angel was thrown by the submission, it wasn't like Spike to give up without a fight. Maybe he was faking until he could get back some of the advantage? Without letting his guard down he relaxed his grip on Spike and hauled him up to eye level.
Spike angrily thrust Angel's hands away from him and dusted down his long leather coat with a forlorn look upon his face. Angel was furious but more than that he was confused. He raised his eyebrows in question.
"I said what are you doing here?" He really wanted an answer.
"I heard you. Not bloody deaf you know!" Spike retorted running a hand through his ruffled white hair and shot a quick glance towards the grave. He sighed heavily. "I'm here for Buffy, alright?"
"What?" Angel's temper flared even more.
He looked Spike square in the face and thought he caught the slightest flicker of raw emotion in the vampires eyes. It looked for all the world as though he had been weeping. Surely not? The creature before him trying to return his own icy glare was once upon a time one of the most thoughtless and reckless vamps Angel had ever known. Because of his sheer stupidity and disrespect for the natural pecking order among the undead, "The Big Bad" had almost gained as much legendary status as Angelus had for his brutality and finesse. William The Bloody was long gone and in his place was a broken and grieving man filled with a regret so honest it was frightening.
He had lived for almost two hundred and fifty years as a vampire and he knew despair when he saw it and it was all there on Spike's face. He could relate to that but he sure as hell couldn't believe it, not for a second.
"You've got to be kidding me! What right do you have coming here..?"
Spike snapped before Angel could finish, he couldn't help it.
"What?" He yelled. "You think just cos you got lucky and shagged her first, you got some kinda monopoly on the girl?" For his troubles he got a second helping of knuckle sandwich that knocked him for six once again. As soon as Angel's fist had connected with his face Spike wondered, and not for the first time, what genetic defect he must have that cursed him with the complete inability to keep his sodding mouth shut.
Angel's anger had almost peaked and he stood there heaving heavily, pulling air in and out of his lungs. With his nostrils flaring like that, his dear old grandsire looked like a bull about to charge. It was a good thing that Spike wasn't wearing that old red shirt that Dru liked so much.
"Spike, just leave, okay."
Spike stood back up and was about to yell again but his cracked jaw was growing increasingly heavy and tight. The pain was excruciating. He winced slightly but managed to speak somehow.
"I may not have a soul or be all self righteous like you... but you're not the only one who loved her you know."
There was that flicker again and this time Angel relaxed a little but not too much. He understood what loving Buffy did to you. What it felt like to see her smile light up her entire face when she laughed. You could lose yourself in a face like that. Soul or no soul. He looked intently at Spike.
"Yeah." He relented. "I guess nobody was immune to Buffy."
"I'd have to agree with that." A third voice echoed through the clearing and both vamp's heads shot up at the sight of Buffy's last ex-boyfriend. Riley Finn.
Riley walked slowly towards Spike and Angel although he didn't want to get too close, it wasn't like they were friends or anything. Angel's nostrils began to twitch again and Spike clenched his aching jaw but neither vamp said a word to the youngster.
"I guess I should've known I'd bump into the two of you eventually." He shook his head.
"Funny. Thought we'd seen the last of you, jungle boy." Spike grinned sarcastically. "Well, hoped more like."
"Oh, that's right," Riley scowled. His hatred of Spike had left him a long time ago, mainly due to being preoccupied with demon fighting deep in the jungle but it suddenly came rushing back and seemed as fresh as ever. "I almost forgot, with me gone you had her all to yourself. How'd that work out for ya Spike?"
Both Riley and Angel leered at the blonde, waiting for him to allay their mutual fears that Buffy may have returned Spike's bizarre affections.
"Don't get your knickers in a twist. You know for a fact I never stood a chance." The others let out a noticeable sigh of relief but he wasn't finished. He turned again to Riley looking him directly in the face. "If memory serves me, neither did you though. Mate." He spat.
"What are you talking about? Buffy and I were together almost a year, I had her everyday..."
"Uh. We don't need to hear the details. Thanks." Angel cut in quickly.
Spike sniggered and shook his head. "You know what I'm talking about, we've had this conversation before. You may have *had* her as you so charmingly put it, but you never really had her. She never loved you and you know it."
"She never loved you either." Riley bit back.
Spike hung his head. The pain in his jaw was killing him but it didn't compare to the pain of never knowing Buffy's touch.
She'd openly loved Angel to the very end even though they hadn't been together for a long time. The only thing of Buffy's Spike had managed to lay claim to was perhaps the thinnest shred of her friendship.
"She gave her heart to 'soul boy', her body to you... although God only knows why, " He waved his hand flippantly in Riley's direction. "But what did she ever get in return? A kick in the bloody teeth is what. I may be a lot of things but at least I can say I tried. I was there for her when she needed someone." He swallowed hard. "When her Mum died... when that hell bitch Glory took Dawn and cut the poor little thing to ribbons, I was there! Fighting the good fight by her side!" His voice cracked giving way to his grief and anger but he didn't care anymore. "Where were you two?" He sniffed. "You cared about her so much, where the bloody hell were you?"
Both Riley and Angel stood shrouded in shame. It was true, every word of it. They had loved her equally in their own ways but for all it was worth they had both upped and left. When push came to shove they had abandoned her, leaving her alone to pick up the pieces and rebuild her shattered life.
"Lost for words hey?." Spike wiped his face on the back of his hand with all the grace of a troll. "She may not have loved me and whether you think I deserved it or not I couldn't care less but I like to think that just maybe I had her respect. You know?"
For once Spike was probably right and they couldn't take that away from him. After a moment of silence Angel found himself smiling a little.
"I don't know about you two but I could really go for a beer right about now."
Riley shook his head incredulously.
Spike grinned. "Beer sounds great, so long as you're buying."
EPILOGUE:
On the other side of town the red neon light that advertised the seediness of "Willy's Place" blinked and fizzled out completely. The bar's name sake sighed and flicked his finger shortly across the hot glass bulb. He managed to bring it back to life but for how long he had no idea.
"Hey Willy." A rather inebriated demon of non specific origin beckoned the human, catching his undivided attention. The bar was quiet tonight and Willy was glad for the interruption. Of the handful of demons sitting hunched over their glasses Gabe seemed to be the only one who was in the mood for a conversation. "What is it Gabe?" He asked polishing the counter top lazily. "Get a load of this, okay... These three guys walk into a bar," Willy began to smile but his attention was immediately stolen when the door swung wide open behind the drunk and in walked the three thorns in Willy's side. Angel, Spike and Riley stumbled over to a vacant booth looking more than a little dishevelled and sat lost in their own do-gooder world. Gabe hadn't registered Willy's sudden discomfort or even noticed that he had started rubbing nervously at the bar. "Three guys walk into a bar. Just my luck." Willy slapped the demon up side his head and sighed heavily. "Whatcha have to go and say that for huh?
Gabe swayed gently on his stool and muttered into his beer. "What? What I do?"
The End