A/N: Hey, just on the off-chance that someone might read this... My father and I are located in eastern Washington (the state, not DC) and we're thinking of starting a Discworld convention here, in Seattle, probably. Would ANYONE be remotely interested in attending? You can put it in the reviews of just email me... I don't get enough email as it is!


Chapter 4


"The stars don't look any different to ME," Ridcully grumbled, peering at the night sky through the curling cigarette smoke.

"No, they don't, do they?" Ponder said, deflating a bit. "I wonder what happened, then?"

"If the WORLD didn't move, then it must've been something ELSE that's huge and shaped like a planet."



"That corset does WONDERS for your figure, dear," Theodora trilled, pulling Grey's neckline down a bit farther.

Grey blushed and pulled it back up again. "Yes, well, at least you got me a blue dress," she grumbled half-heartedly. "These things aren't half swooshy, aren't they? A bit drafty, actually."

"Oh, you get used to it," a mauve-clad (using the word "clad" lightly) woman named Roberta chattered happily. "Pants, of course, can't hold a CANDLE to a good silk petticoat. They chafe too much."

"Really," Grey said faintly, hiking her skirt up so that she could walk to the mirror without dislocating something. She turned to face the room. "Am I ready?" she asked nervously.

"How about some paint?" a Wilhelmina quavered.

"NO make-up."



"Beebly-beebly-beep!"

"Ye GODS..."

"One-ish, date with the Patrician!"

"Pardon?"



"My sources tell me that we have our very own outer-space monster," said Vetinari calmly, steepling his fingers. "What are you going to do about it, Commander Vimes?"

Vimes made some surprised bubbling noises.

Vetinari arched an eyebrow, and glanced down at his desk. "I take it you have not been told of this... unexpected guest?"

Vimes shook his head mutely.

"Hmmm. Well. That DOES complicate things. Apparently a living organism shot through the atmosphere and landed in our very own Ankh just last night, and has since wandered the shore..." here he paused, and read a note in his own handwriting "... And I quote 'were rude' to several of the inhabitants thereon."

"A terrible plague indeed," said Vimes incredulously.

"Indeed. The first order of business is to go to the esteemed Wizards of Unseen University and ask them..."



"... Just what do you propose to do about this, Stibbons?" Ridcully grunted, spitting out a used-up dog end.

"I, I, I, I.... I was planning on researching it," the younger wizard stuttered.

"Research it? This has happened before?"

"Er, yes, but on a much smaller scale... last month, actually."

"Why wasn't I told??!" Ridcully boomed.

"It cleared up in a few hours," Ponder whined. "We thought it was just a fluke."

"A bloody great fluke THIS is, then," Ridcully muttered darkly.

Ponder flushed an interesting shade of red.



"All right, maybe some lipstick."

"Oh goody!"



"... And the next order of business," the Patrician said, "is..."



"... Find a way to get me home," Grey said decidedly, wobbling on her stilleto heels. "I'm sure you don't want me wandering around blushing like an october apple whenever I see one of your... clients... forever."

"Yes, that was rather embarrassing, wasn't it," Wilhelmina mused, patting her hair.

"It was quite dashing the way you hit him over the head with Louisa's handbag, though," Theodora said brightly, adjusting her hair. "Even though he wasn't being all that forward. In our business, I mean."

"Oh, yes," said Roberta.

"I didn't know Louisa kept bricks in her purse," Grey muttered, shamefaced.

"Just for hemergencies," Louisa said defensively, clutching her handbag.

They were in the Shades, walking down Shackle Alley, which led (at least remotely so) to Pseudopolis Yard. Grey had declared that she needed to get in touch with some wizards or at least Captain Carrot, after which most of the ladies giggled and swooned a bit, to Grey's mounting embarrassment.

There was silence for a moment as they walked.

"Aren't you afraid that the good Captain won't know you?" quavered Roberta after a moment, her high auburn curls bobbing.

"Of course he won't know me, I've just arrived," Grey said, giving the taller woman a strange look.

"Oh, but he knows everyone," Wilhelmina said, as though anxious to be helpful. Her high beehive of hair waved in the wind.

"But he doesn't know me," Grey stated.

"And hwon't he think that's a bit hodd?" Louisa said a bit absently, peering at Grey through the corners of her lavishly mascara-ed eyes.

"Ooooh noooooo," the girl groaned, covering her face.

"You could be new in town!" Theodora cried happily.

"That's hrather apparent, don't hyou think?" Louisa said, glancing meaningfully at Grey, who flushed.

"I'm that obvious?" she said sadly.

"You're not... well..." Roberta started, and then stared at Theodora imploringly.

"You're not CORRUPTED enough, dear," Theodora said kindly. "I've never seen anyone blush so much at the prospect of wearing petticoats, and believe me, I've seen a few."

"A few of what?" Wilhelmina chortled, but shut up after Theodora glared at her.

"Hyour testosterone is hacting up again, dear," Louisa said absently.

"Yes, Louisa."

"Hyou should take hyour medicine as soon as hwe get back."

"Yes, Louisa."

"And take off that bloody wig. Something's nesting in it, for gods' sakes."