The Lord of the Hamsters (specifically the Hamtaro one)
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OK, OK, what happened here folks was back in the good ol' days, the Elves got threes hamsters of power, the Dwarves got seven, and the Men got nine. Then the Dark Lord Sauron made one to rule them all: The Master Hamster. It was.. a Hamtaro hamster!!
It enabled Sauron to enslave & destroy a bunch of places, some places just gave in because they thought the One Hamster was soooo cute. But the Last Alliance of Men and Elves went to Barad-dur and had a little siege. Sauron got mad, knocked a few Men and Elves around, humming "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor." So after he killed Elendil, Isildur grabbed Narsil who was broken, and cut off the Hamtaro around Sauron's finger. Sauron was upset that he had lost the little bugger, and went into Modor's wilderness and cryyyyyyyed.. Meanwhile alliance leveled Barad-dur. Isildur didn't throw the One Hamtaro back into Mount Doom, known as Fuzzy by the Mordor locals, 'cause he said, well, quote: "It's so KAWAII!!!!!!!!"
So Isildur kept the Hamtaro. And It got so mad at him it decided to call some orcs to kill him off. Then the little bugger-It's immortal, you see- put on diving gear and a thousand-something year's supply of oxygen tanks and went down to the bottom of Anduin until Deagol found It and Smeagol said, "It's meh b-day and I want the little bugger!" So he choked his best friend to get it. If you wrap the little bugger 'round your finger you turn invisible. So Smeagol became Gollum and soon, after a few, what, hundred years?-why'd It wait THAT long?-It left Gollum. So Bilbo Baggins found It and took it home.
It always acted dead. So now we've brought you up to date, so, read on!
Gandalf knocked on Bilbo's door at Bag End in the Shire. It was the day of Bilbo's & his nephew (cousin actually) Frodo's birthday & they were having a big party, & a bunch o' hobbits were invited. Bilbo opened it (the door). "Hey, Gandalf, come on in! How are you?"
"Fine," Gandalf said. "Except for your nephew jumping onto my cart. He was aiming for a hug, but fell into the fireworks. Boy, did the kids enjoy that!"
"Is he hurt? The girls'll hate that," Bilbo said.
Gandalf chuckled. "No, he's not hurt. He's OK. Ummm... Can I have some tea?"
"Oh yeah. Come on."
So they drank tea and Bilbo said he was going through with his plan and he said he felt thin & stretched like butter scraped over too much bread. "Mmm, bread n' butter!" Gandalf said. Bilbo glared at him. "Sorry," Gandalf said quietly.
"Aanyywayyy," Bilbo sighed. "I'm going on a long holiday & I won't be coming back. Anyway, it's almost party time! Yeah yeah! So lemme get spruced up and I'll be out in half a moment! Chaa!" Bilbo disappeared down the hall.
"Okayyy," Gandalf shook his head. "I hope Elrond will be able to handle him."
-----------------------------------------------
It was the party, the Long-Expected Party. Girls were around Frodo Baggins, who, duh, is Bilbo's nephew-actually, his cousin-& heir to Bag End like he was the main course for dinner. He made Samwise Gamgee, his best friend, dance with Rosie. "'Cause she's your girlfriend!" Frodo sang into Sam's ear. He pushed him into Rosie and they danced off. Well, Rosie was dancing. Sam didn't know how, really.
So Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck & Peregrin (Pippin, Pip) Took went and blew up a tent letting off the dragon firework that was SUPPOSED to be the signal for dinner. So they had to do the dishes.
Then Bilbo got up for his speech and took out something from his pocket. After he said, "Bye", he disappeared!
So everyone got in a tizzy, and Invisible Bilbo walks into Bag End & takes off.. a hamster! Curled around his finger! Then he stuffed It in his pocket.
Gandalf spooked him by saying, "I guess you think you're so FA-nny, hm?"
"Ohh, Gandalf, it was just a bit o' fun!" Bilbo whined.
"There are many magic hamsters in this world, Bilbo Baggins, and none of 'em should be taken lightly," Gandalf growled.
"You're probably right," Bilbo said, packing. "You will keep an eye on Frodo?"
"Three eyes," Gandalf said. Bilbo's eyes went wide. "Gotcha! TWO eyes, as often as I can spare them," Gandalf finished.
"Oh yeah, um Frodo gets the hamster. Actually, I wanna keep it. It'sssssssssssss mine, my own, my Preciousssssssssssssssss," Bilbo cooed, petting the hamster.
"OK, creepy, hand over the ball of fluff. Izzat so hard?" Gandalf asked.
Bilbo shrugged. "Yes, no, maybe so!" he said. "But I'm keeping it!"
Gandalf went all big & creepy on Bilbo. "BILBO BAGGINS!!" he yelled. "WHEN I TELL YA HAND IT OVER, YOU HAND IT OVER, WAKARIMASHITAKA?!?" (a/n: wakarimashitaka is Japanase for do you understand)
Bilbo whimpered & Gandalf got small & normal again. They hugged- awwwwwwwwww-& so finally Bilbo gave It up & went off to Rivendell. When Gandalf tried touching the hamster, which Bilbo had let fall on the floor, he got a flash of a fiery eye. "Whoo!" Gandalf said. "Clear Eyes, anyone?"
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So when Frodo ran in, he found the hamster in the doorway, & Gandalf by the fire, smoking, & muttering. Frodo was going on & on about how Bilbo kept talking about leaving. "I didn't think he'd do it. Gandalf?" Frodo said, poking Gandalf.
The old guy turned to smile at Frodo and the hamster. "Bilbo's hamster," he smiled. "He's gone to stay with the Elves in Rivendell." Grin grin. "He's left you everything." He made Frodo put the hamster in an envelope & told him to "keep it secret, keep it safe." And then he said, "And awayyyy I go!" and was gone.
So.... 17 years later.........
Frodo went home after an evening at the Green Dragon with Sam-and Rooosiiiiie- and the windows were open & papers were everywhere. Gandalf jumped out of the shadows, scared Frodo half to death, and asked, "IS IT SECRET? IS IT SAFE??"
So Frodo fished out the envelope, after looking for an hour in his room, he remembered it was in a chest, took it out, Gandalf grabbed it, and- GASP!-flung it into the fire.
Frodo went B E R S E R K. "WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!?!" he screeched.
"It already has power over you??" Gandalf panicked.
"I dunno what the heck that's supposed to mean," Frodo said. "HELP! HELP! SPCA! SPCA! ANIMAL ABUSE!!"
Gandalf yelled, "WILL YA SHADDAP & SIT DOWN, YA MEXICAN JUMPING BEAN?!?" So Frodo's plopped down on a chair & shutted upped. Then Gandalf picked the lightly toasted hamster out of the fire. "Hold out your hand, Frodo," he said.
"Whaaaat??" Frodo said. Gandalf said, "Will ya take it already?! It's not burning hot; it's cool!" So plop went the li'l bugger into Frodo's hand. Gandalf got up. "Is anything coming out of its mouth?" he asked.
Frodo shook his head. "Nope. Nothin'." Gandalf smiled, relieved. Then! "Waiit.." Frodo said. "It's- EGADS, it's spitting out a strip of paper! There's glowy letters on it. I can't read 'em."
Gandalf sighed. "There are few who can," he said, turning to Frodo. "The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here."
"Mordor?" Frodo asked. He was creeped out: Mordor? Wasn't that an evil place he'd heard of,...once?
"Yuppers," the old, bent Gandalf sighed. "In the Common toungue it says:
One hamster to rule them all, one hamster to find them, one hamster to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them."
------------
So Gandalf gave Frodo a little story time: he told him allllllllll about the One Hamster. It creeped Frodo out a bit. MwahahaHAHA-sorry. So anyway, he got SO creeped out he tried to offer It to Gandalf! "Don't temp me Frodo!" Gandalf said. "I would mess a bunch of stuff up. You would N O T like it; trust me."
The Baggins squeezed the little bugger. "What must I do?"
"You hafta leave," Gandalf said. "Your b-day at the latest."
"Can't I leave now?"
"You could."
"OK."
"Why now?"
"Beats me. Seems better than waiting."
"Um, OK. But get Merry to move yer stuff to Crickhollow."
"Oky."
"So I'll wait for ya at Bree, at the Sign of the Prancing Pony. Meanwhile, I gotta go see Saruman, 'the head of my order'. OK? OK. Now get dressed. I'll send for Merry."
So Frodo got dressed & Merry came driving up in a huge wagon labeled "UHAUL." "Whaaaaaaaaaaat??" Frodo asked, but Merry just "u-" hauled all the stuff away. "See ya at Crickhollow!" Merry called back.
So Gandalf & Frodo were back inside, Pippin was due to get to Bag End at any moment, when-GASP!-the bushes rustled! A spy of Sauron, no doubt! "Get down," Gandalf ordered Frodo, who fell flat on his face. So Gandalf went to the window sill, bopped something on the head, which said "oww" and he dragged it up.
"Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee!" Gandalf yelled. "Have you been eavesdropping again?!"
"Beggin' yer pardon, Mr. Gandalf sir, but there ain't no eaves on Bag End, & that's a fact," Sammie whimpered.
"O, a wise guy, eh? Well, then, what'd ya hear?"
"About a ring, an evil guy, sommin' about the end of the world, and.. **Elves.** I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY wanna see Elvessss!! Really REALLY! But don't turn me into anythin' unnatural."
Gandalf smirked. "Oh noo," said he. "You get to go with Frodo."
"Yay!!" Sam said.
"But you have to wait for Pippin."
"Boo!!" Sam booed.
"I'm goin' now," Gandalf said, and SKROOM, he was off. So Pippin popped up & so they set out for Rivendell. And so ends this first chapter. See you (the reader) later!
----------------------------
OK, OK, what happened here folks was back in the good ol' days, the Elves got threes hamsters of power, the Dwarves got seven, and the Men got nine. Then the Dark Lord Sauron made one to rule them all: The Master Hamster. It was.. a Hamtaro hamster!!
It enabled Sauron to enslave & destroy a bunch of places, some places just gave in because they thought the One Hamster was soooo cute. But the Last Alliance of Men and Elves went to Barad-dur and had a little siege. Sauron got mad, knocked a few Men and Elves around, humming "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor." So after he killed Elendil, Isildur grabbed Narsil who was broken, and cut off the Hamtaro around Sauron's finger. Sauron was upset that he had lost the little bugger, and went into Modor's wilderness and cryyyyyyyed.. Meanwhile alliance leveled Barad-dur. Isildur didn't throw the One Hamtaro back into Mount Doom, known as Fuzzy by the Mordor locals, 'cause he said, well, quote: "It's so KAWAII!!!!!!!!"
So Isildur kept the Hamtaro. And It got so mad at him it decided to call some orcs to kill him off. Then the little bugger-It's immortal, you see- put on diving gear and a thousand-something year's supply of oxygen tanks and went down to the bottom of Anduin until Deagol found It and Smeagol said, "It's meh b-day and I want the little bugger!" So he choked his best friend to get it. If you wrap the little bugger 'round your finger you turn invisible. So Smeagol became Gollum and soon, after a few, what, hundred years?-why'd It wait THAT long?-It left Gollum. So Bilbo Baggins found It and took it home.
It always acted dead. So now we've brought you up to date, so, read on!
Gandalf knocked on Bilbo's door at Bag End in the Shire. It was the day of Bilbo's & his nephew (cousin actually) Frodo's birthday & they were having a big party, & a bunch o' hobbits were invited. Bilbo opened it (the door). "Hey, Gandalf, come on in! How are you?"
"Fine," Gandalf said. "Except for your nephew jumping onto my cart. He was aiming for a hug, but fell into the fireworks. Boy, did the kids enjoy that!"
"Is he hurt? The girls'll hate that," Bilbo said.
Gandalf chuckled. "No, he's not hurt. He's OK. Ummm... Can I have some tea?"
"Oh yeah. Come on."
So they drank tea and Bilbo said he was going through with his plan and he said he felt thin & stretched like butter scraped over too much bread. "Mmm, bread n' butter!" Gandalf said. Bilbo glared at him. "Sorry," Gandalf said quietly.
"Aanyywayyy," Bilbo sighed. "I'm going on a long holiday & I won't be coming back. Anyway, it's almost party time! Yeah yeah! So lemme get spruced up and I'll be out in half a moment! Chaa!" Bilbo disappeared down the hall.
"Okayyy," Gandalf shook his head. "I hope Elrond will be able to handle him."
-----------------------------------------------
It was the party, the Long-Expected Party. Girls were around Frodo Baggins, who, duh, is Bilbo's nephew-actually, his cousin-& heir to Bag End like he was the main course for dinner. He made Samwise Gamgee, his best friend, dance with Rosie. "'Cause she's your girlfriend!" Frodo sang into Sam's ear. He pushed him into Rosie and they danced off. Well, Rosie was dancing. Sam didn't know how, really.
So Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck & Peregrin (Pippin, Pip) Took went and blew up a tent letting off the dragon firework that was SUPPOSED to be the signal for dinner. So they had to do the dishes.
Then Bilbo got up for his speech and took out something from his pocket. After he said, "Bye", he disappeared!
So everyone got in a tizzy, and Invisible Bilbo walks into Bag End & takes off.. a hamster! Curled around his finger! Then he stuffed It in his pocket.
Gandalf spooked him by saying, "I guess you think you're so FA-nny, hm?"
"Ohh, Gandalf, it was just a bit o' fun!" Bilbo whined.
"There are many magic hamsters in this world, Bilbo Baggins, and none of 'em should be taken lightly," Gandalf growled.
"You're probably right," Bilbo said, packing. "You will keep an eye on Frodo?"
"Three eyes," Gandalf said. Bilbo's eyes went wide. "Gotcha! TWO eyes, as often as I can spare them," Gandalf finished.
"Oh yeah, um Frodo gets the hamster. Actually, I wanna keep it. It'sssssssssssss mine, my own, my Preciousssssssssssssssss," Bilbo cooed, petting the hamster.
"OK, creepy, hand over the ball of fluff. Izzat so hard?" Gandalf asked.
Bilbo shrugged. "Yes, no, maybe so!" he said. "But I'm keeping it!"
Gandalf went all big & creepy on Bilbo. "BILBO BAGGINS!!" he yelled. "WHEN I TELL YA HAND IT OVER, YOU HAND IT OVER, WAKARIMASHITAKA?!?" (a/n: wakarimashitaka is Japanase for do you understand)
Bilbo whimpered & Gandalf got small & normal again. They hugged- awwwwwwwwww-& so finally Bilbo gave It up & went off to Rivendell. When Gandalf tried touching the hamster, which Bilbo had let fall on the floor, he got a flash of a fiery eye. "Whoo!" Gandalf said. "Clear Eyes, anyone?"
--------------------------
So when Frodo ran in, he found the hamster in the doorway, & Gandalf by the fire, smoking, & muttering. Frodo was going on & on about how Bilbo kept talking about leaving. "I didn't think he'd do it. Gandalf?" Frodo said, poking Gandalf.
The old guy turned to smile at Frodo and the hamster. "Bilbo's hamster," he smiled. "He's gone to stay with the Elves in Rivendell." Grin grin. "He's left you everything." He made Frodo put the hamster in an envelope & told him to "keep it secret, keep it safe." And then he said, "And awayyyy I go!" and was gone.
So.... 17 years later.........
Frodo went home after an evening at the Green Dragon with Sam-and Rooosiiiiie- and the windows were open & papers were everywhere. Gandalf jumped out of the shadows, scared Frodo half to death, and asked, "IS IT SECRET? IS IT SAFE??"
So Frodo fished out the envelope, after looking for an hour in his room, he remembered it was in a chest, took it out, Gandalf grabbed it, and- GASP!-flung it into the fire.
Frodo went B E R S E R K. "WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!?!" he screeched.
"It already has power over you??" Gandalf panicked.
"I dunno what the heck that's supposed to mean," Frodo said. "HELP! HELP! SPCA! SPCA! ANIMAL ABUSE!!"
Gandalf yelled, "WILL YA SHADDAP & SIT DOWN, YA MEXICAN JUMPING BEAN?!?" So Frodo's plopped down on a chair & shutted upped. Then Gandalf picked the lightly toasted hamster out of the fire. "Hold out your hand, Frodo," he said.
"Whaaaat??" Frodo said. Gandalf said, "Will ya take it already?! It's not burning hot; it's cool!" So plop went the li'l bugger into Frodo's hand. Gandalf got up. "Is anything coming out of its mouth?" he asked.
Frodo shook his head. "Nope. Nothin'." Gandalf smiled, relieved. Then! "Waiit.." Frodo said. "It's- EGADS, it's spitting out a strip of paper! There's glowy letters on it. I can't read 'em."
Gandalf sighed. "There are few who can," he said, turning to Frodo. "The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here."
"Mordor?" Frodo asked. He was creeped out: Mordor? Wasn't that an evil place he'd heard of,...once?
"Yuppers," the old, bent Gandalf sighed. "In the Common toungue it says:
One hamster to rule them all, one hamster to find them, one hamster to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them."
------------
So Gandalf gave Frodo a little story time: he told him allllllllll about the One Hamster. It creeped Frodo out a bit. MwahahaHAHA-sorry. So anyway, he got SO creeped out he tried to offer It to Gandalf! "Don't temp me Frodo!" Gandalf said. "I would mess a bunch of stuff up. You would N O T like it; trust me."
The Baggins squeezed the little bugger. "What must I do?"
"You hafta leave," Gandalf said. "Your b-day at the latest."
"Can't I leave now?"
"You could."
"OK."
"Why now?"
"Beats me. Seems better than waiting."
"Um, OK. But get Merry to move yer stuff to Crickhollow."
"Oky."
"So I'll wait for ya at Bree, at the Sign of the Prancing Pony. Meanwhile, I gotta go see Saruman, 'the head of my order'. OK? OK. Now get dressed. I'll send for Merry."
So Frodo got dressed & Merry came driving up in a huge wagon labeled "UHAUL." "Whaaaaaaaaaaat??" Frodo asked, but Merry just "u-" hauled all the stuff away. "See ya at Crickhollow!" Merry called back.
So Gandalf & Frodo were back inside, Pippin was due to get to Bag End at any moment, when-GASP!-the bushes rustled! A spy of Sauron, no doubt! "Get down," Gandalf ordered Frodo, who fell flat on his face. So Gandalf went to the window sill, bopped something on the head, which said "oww" and he dragged it up.
"Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee!" Gandalf yelled. "Have you been eavesdropping again?!"
"Beggin' yer pardon, Mr. Gandalf sir, but there ain't no eaves on Bag End, & that's a fact," Sammie whimpered.
"O, a wise guy, eh? Well, then, what'd ya hear?"
"About a ring, an evil guy, sommin' about the end of the world, and.. **Elves.** I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY wanna see Elvessss!! Really REALLY! But don't turn me into anythin' unnatural."
Gandalf smirked. "Oh noo," said he. "You get to go with Frodo."
"Yay!!" Sam said.
"But you have to wait for Pippin."
"Boo!!" Sam booed.
"I'm goin' now," Gandalf said, and SKROOM, he was off. So Pippin popped up & so they set out for Rivendell. And so ends this first chapter. See you (the reader) later!