I Have a Plan (Part 5 of the Written Word series)
Rated: G
Author: dword
(sequel to 'Miss you')
Spoilers: Tabula Rasa and Smashed
Disclaimer: Joss and Fox and UPN etc. own everything, I own nothing. The bank even holds the paper on my car.
Dedication: To Tammy a new Buffy convert. To those wacky roadtrippers, glad to have you back I missed ya! And of course the Phantom Dedication.
Author's note: I mention a song it this fic but didn't get specific. If you want to know about it I put it at the end. This song was one of the songs that got me thinking about writing this fic so I wanted to share it with you. But if you hate songfic just stop when you see the 'END' ;-)
*-*-*-*-*-*
The Scoobies, sans Slayer were all gathered in the Magic Box. At Dawn's request, Anya and Xander had set up this emergency meeting. Tara and Willow sat quietly at the table, and even though things were a bit strained, they were talking and really listening to each other. Anya and Xander were assisting the last customers of the evening in anticipation of locking up for the night. Actually they were all just killing time waiting for Dawn to show up. Buffy was going to drop her off before she went on patrol, the cover story being that Tara and Willow were taking Dawn out for dinner and a movie and Dawn was going to be a buffer while Tara and Willow worked on getting their relationship back on track. Everyone's nerves were on edge, no one had missed the urgency in Dawn's voice when she had called this meeting. That it had followed on the heels of Giles' letters had not escaped anyone's notice.
Everyone had been working so hard on not thinking about that, that they were startled by the bell over the door jingling as Buffy entered with Dawn. Buffy wore the 'non-expression' that they had become accustomed to and Dawn looked slightly irritated as she did more often than not.
"Buffy, I'm going to be with our friends for a couple of hours and then they are taking me right home..." Dawn sighed. "I'll be fine. Sheesh, overprotective much?"
Buffy reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind Dawn's ear and with a small, sad smile said, "I know munchkin. Sorry, I know you'll be fine. It's just that you're all the family I have left and I can't lose you too..."
Dawn launched herself at her sister and the two shared a hard hug and a tear slipped from each of them. The gang watched, all a little emotional. The two sisters pulled themselves together and slowly released each other and turned towards their friends. Hoping to break the mood that had fallen around them all Willow jumped up and started to babble.
"There now, none of that. This is girl's night out! Are you sure you don't want to join us Buff? After patrol, I mean. Big fun brewing... Chick flicks, Mochas, ice cream, fattening food, guy bashing. An evening not to be missed..." With the gang all looking at her with stunned expressions her babble came to an abrupt halt.
"Sorry, Willow. Sounds like fun, shame I'm going to miss it. I had already planned on doing a really thorough patrol to check out a few rumors I heard. But maybe you should skip the Mochas. You seemed to have already met your quota of caffeine," Buffy said, not having noticed everyone else's reaction to Willow's slip.
"Heh heh," laughed Xander. "Hyper-Willow... scarier than an apocalypse."
"Well, now that I'm here, let's decide on where we'll eat and what movie we're going to see." Dawn turned back to Buffy, "You'd better get going and check out the baddies..."
"Ok, going now. Have fun. See ya later." With that Buffy left the shop.
"Geez, Willow. What were you thinking? Chick night was a cover for Dawn's Scooby meeting. What would you have done if Buffy took you up on your offer?" Xander questioned his friend, still a little wigged by their close call.
"Stop Xander," Anya said with surprising sensitivity. "Willow saw how upset Buffy was and in her concern she got a little carried away. Buffy seemed so sad. It's hard to watch without trying to cheer her up."
"Thanks, Anya." Willow sent her best friend's fiancée a small smile.
Tara came over and tentatively took Willow's hand in her own. "It's hard for all of us. She's been so sad since Giles left."
"Yeah, sorry, Wills." Xander sent Willow a goofy grin, which immediately turned into a frown. "Sad Buffy is kinda hard to take, especially since it seems like Giles isn't coming back... ever."
"That's exactly why I called this meeting. After I read his letter, I got the feeling he was never coming back." Dawn started wringing her hands and looked around the room; desperately hoping someone would tell her she was wrong.
"Oh no!" Willow exclaimed, sadness clearly written on her gamin features. "Tara and I talked about it. We were hoping we were overreacting. He was saying goodbye! He's never coming back."
After speaking the unspeakable Willow began to cry softly. Tara gently took her in her arms and tried to soothe her. Over Willow's shoulder she looked at each of her friends each in their own state of grief. Xander's lip quivered as he fought against the pain, his arm around Anya in comfort. Anya burrowed into his chest, all thought of profit and counting her money driven from her head. Tara realized that tears were slipping from her eyes and down her cheeks. It was Dawn who was first to shake off her grief. With typical Summers determination she turned to the others and spoke up.
"Well it's wrong and we are going to fix it!"
"Dawnie?"
"Tara, Buffy needs Giles, we all need Giles, so we have to think up a way to MAKE him come back."
"We couldn't get him to stay, how are we going to make in come back?" Xander asked.
"I have a plan..."
*-*-*-*-*-*
The mention of plan broke the tension and gave everyone purpose. Everyone went into action, years of Research parties had trained them, and out of habit they went about preparing for their Scooby meeting. Xander ordered dinner then left to pick it up. Anya finished closing the shop and put the day's receipts away to be dealt with later. Tara, Willow, and Dawn cleared the table and set up the chairs. Xander returned and distributed take out boxes and beverages. After everyone was settled and had begun to eat Willow looked at Dawn.
"Dawnie, you mentioned a plan?"
"Yeah Dawnster, what's the what? I hope you're not thinking of getting us involved in anything illegal." Xander tried to keep it light. "However, if it comes to it... I haven't ruled out kidnapping the G-man."
"Nope, no kidnapping," replied Dawn. "But if a plan B is necessary..."
"Dawnie..."
"Sorry Tara. Back on topic, right. Okay, here goes... It all revolves around WHY Giles left. He left because Buffy was relying too much on him taking care of everything for her. At least that's what he said. I think there was more to it than that..."
"He's in love with her," Anya stated succinctly. Willow and Xander stared at her, mouths open in shock. Tara nodded. Dawn smiled.
"Wh... what?" Xander looked at Willow, then back at Dawn and Anya. "Lov... in love...?"
"Oh please Xander. Think about it for a minute. Think about how it was like. Think about all he's done. Or just think back to the way he looked when he came back and he first saw her..."
The proverbial lightbulb went off. First for Willow then for Xander.
Willow reached over and took Xander's hand. "Xander, the way he held her face, called her a miracle, hugged her, the look on his face..."
"I get it Willow. I'm more surprised I didn't get it at her funeral. He was going to sing. He had the song all picked out, but then couldn't go through with it."
"Everything he did, he did with her in mind," Tara added. "He lives for her."
"Only someone that loves her would take all that he has from her." Anya said nodding. "In my day I have granted wishes for lesser offenses than the ones he has tolerated from her. If their genders had been reversed I would have had to do really icky things to Buffy."
"To get back on track," Dawn cleared her throat and continued, "He didn't leave because he was holding her back. He left because it had gotten too painful to be around her. She was so withdrawn... from us and mostly from him. They weren't doing that silent communication thing anymore. She wouldn't touch him. HE knew there was something bothering her but she wouldn't confide in him. It was really tearing him apart."
"Now, after our musical interlude, we know why she acted like that. But the damage had been done and I guess Giles had finally reached his limit. He was wrong to leave but it's kinda understandable. I think that's why he's not coming back. He's afraid to put himself in a position to be hurt again. The thing he doesn't know is that Buffy is in love with him. She won't ask him back..."
"Just like she wouldn't make him stay," Xander said. "She thinks it's best for him to be, not here. She doesn't want to hurt him anymore. She wants him to be safe, out of danger. She doesn't want to be selfish anymore. She's trying to be everything he wants her to be but she won't do anything directly to get him to return. Yeah, you're right Dawnster, she's in love with him too."
"Hey! How do you guys know that?" Willow asked, feeling a bit out of the loopy.
"Buffy and I had a talk, just before he left. Right after the amnesia thing." Xander gave Willow a look that said he held no hard feelings for that disaster. "More like she had a cry and I provided the tissues. She didn't come right out and say she loved him but what she did say proved it. She wants him to be happy and she doesn't think she can make him happy. She doesn't think she is good enough for him."
"I know cuz I found this," Dawn said as she reached into her school bag and pulled out several crumpled pieces of paper. "It's a letter Buffy wrote to Giles. She wrote it right after she got Giles' letter. She wrote it while she was listening to THAT song. She poured out her heart on this letter. She wrote down all her feeling, her thoughts... everything. Then she threw it away. She never intended for him to know how she feels."
"Dawn, if she threw it away what are you doing with it?" Tara asked not without a touch of reprimand in her tone. "What have you done."
"I'm the kid sister. It's what I do, snoop. Actually I went into her room to find that CD with THAT song..." Everyone around the table nodded. They had all been subjected to the playing of that Whitney Houston song, over and over again. Dawn continued, "To find that CD and get rid of it. I really never want to here that song again! Anyway, I decided to empty the garbage to cover my being in her room when I found the letter. After I read it, everything sorta made sense. Well it made sense after I thought about it for a while. So I came up with the plan."
"What did it say?" Willow asked.
"That's private. Between Buffy and Giles."
"No fair! Why should you be the only one to invade Buffy's privacy?" Anya pouted.
"I was wrong to read it and I'm not going to make it worse by passing it around." Dawn answered. "But I am going to send it to Giles. He needs to know how she feels. And hopefully once he does he'll come back."
All the Scoobies thought about it and finally agreed. This could end badly but it also seemed like their best chance to set things right and get Giles back where he belongs.
*-*-*-*-*-*
Dear Giles,
I'm never going to send this but I need to get some stuff off my chest. Since you are never going to see this I can let it all out and be perfectly honest, at least with myself.
Before you left, thanks to that stupid demon Sweet, I let it slip that when the others brought me back they had yanked me from Heaven and returned me to this Hell on Earth. I never meant for them to know. In my head I understood that the guys didn't mean to hurt me. That they were trying to 'save' me. But in my heart I am so angry and hurt. When does someone say 'Good job. Now rest, you earned it.'?. Everything here is so... so... It's too loud, too violent, too bright, too dark, so cold... Giles it hurts to be here.
I know I hurt you by not confiding in you. I know I sort of pushed you away. It was really hard to deal with. I was confused and uncomfortable. When I first came back I had to dig myself out of my grave. And all hell had broken loose in Sunnydale. And I wasn't in Heaven anymore. I couldn't talk to the guys; I couldn't lay that guilt trip on them. I couldn't tell Dawn, she would have freaked. And you weren't here. There were so many expectations... 'We rescued you, be grateful. Demons all around, patrol and slay. Be the grown up. Be the parent. Pay the bills. Talk to the teachers. Fix things. Be responsible. Make us happy. Protect us. Smile. Laugh' I hated it here. And I couldn't go back. I was afraid I never could. Giles, do they let you back in, after you've been expelled from Heaven?
But I tried to make a go of it. I really did. But it was so hard. Then there you were. When I looked up and saw you standing in the doorway, I didn't believe it at first. I mean, I had been wishing for you so hard... I didn't think you were real. Then you spoke and smiled and held me. For the first time since I had been brought back I felt almost comfortable in my own skin. For the first time I was glad to be back. You wrapped your arms around me, I could hear your heartbeat, smell your cologne, feel your warmth and that's when I knew... I loved you, you loved me, we were together again, and it was going to be all right. I wanted to tell you what was going on with me, but I didn't. At first it was because I just wanted to enjoy having you back. Then there never seemed to be a good time to do it. So much was going on and I didn't want to add to your burden. It was bad enough that I had once again took you away from a normal life. First when they went you to me as my Watcher, then when my Angel fiasco destroyed any chance with Ms Calender, then there was that bad first year at college when I ignored you, and again when you really had started over after my death; it seems all I've ever been is trouble for you. But my weirdness grew and you decided to go back to England. Guess I finally pushed you too far.
I bet you think you made a good decision. My reaction after you told me you were leaving should have confirmed that. Well I think your decision to leave was right but your reason sucked. I had been dragged out of heaven. I had been dead! Excuse me if I needed time to adjust. You knew something was wrong but since when don't you try to find out what it was? You used to care enough to confront me or be sneaky to find out. Granted you made your decision before you knew where I was, but you found out before you left. But it didn't make a difference, and it should have. You found out and it didn't slow down your rush to get away from me. That's why I was such a bitch. You were the only thing that made being alive again bearable and you just walked away. If I hadn't been expecting it, I mean all the men in my life leave especially the important ones, I might have really wigged. Actually I was surprised you lasted as long as you did or came back at all. But that's ok. Really. If anyone deserved to have a normal life it's you. If anyone understand the need for normal with all the weirdness we deal with, I do. I let you go (let's be real... I could have stopped you if I had really tried) because I love you. I need for you to be away from here, away from the Hellmouth. I need you to be safe and out of danger. I want you to be happy Giles, and I don't think you ever will be happy with me. I'm too selfish, too stupid about relationships. I'm the one that has hurt you the most and that's saying a lot. And finally, I am the Slayer. I have a short shelf life and I don't think you could watch me die again and survive. So I let you go.
God Giles, it was the hardest thing I ever did. I miss you so much. I'm so lonely without you. I feel. incomplete. I love Dawn and it's good being with her. I feel good about taking care of her. I'm really working on our relationship. I'm really trying. And I love the gang. I have been able to work through most of my bitterness and bad feeling for what they have done to me. We're starting to get back to where we used to be. As a team. It's good. But it's not enough. They're not you.
I miss you so much. Miss teasing you, I miss the way you'd tease me. I miss your 'just for me' smile and the twinkle in your eye when we would tease the others. I miss the way you would let me get away with weaseling out of training because you knew I needed a break. The way you knew what I was thinking without me saying anything and the way we were in sync when we fought monsters together. I miss feeling safe and cared for. I miss my stalwart, standing fast.
I did hear you. I really heard you. But you were wrong; you weren't standing in my way. I was standing in yours. So I had to grow up and step aside. Don't worry Giles I'll remember everything you taught me. I'll make you proud. Even though I've had to give up that hope, that I kept deep in a corner of my heart, that you would come back. I'll be the best Buffy I can be.
I have so many regrets. Not realizing how much I love and have loved you before it was too late, is probably the biggest. Not ever having the chance to show you or have you show me is a close second. Not getting how destructive and impossible my relationship with Angel was and all the badness that stemmed from that relationship is also a biggie. I regret every mean thing I ever said to you. I didn't mean them. I regret every nice thing I never said because I thought you knew. I will never regret letting you go. I'll cry, be lonely, miss you, and dream of you, but I won't regret it. You are safe and alive and you have a real chance at a normal life. How can I regret that?
All my love always,
Buffy
END
Here are the lyrics for the song Giles was going to sing at Buffy's funeral.
One More Day
By Diamond Rio
Last night I had a crazy dream
a wish was granted just for me
it could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you!
One more day, one more time
one more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
but then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you
one more day...........
First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl.
I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off.
I'd hold you every second,
say a million I love you's.
That's what I'd do with one more day with you.
One more day, one more time,
one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again I know what it would do
leave me wishing still for one more day with you.
One more day, one more time
one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again I know what it would do
leave me wishing still for one more day
leave me wishing still for one more day
leave me wishing still for one more day with you.
Rated: G
Author: dword
(sequel to 'Miss you')
Spoilers: Tabula Rasa and Smashed
Disclaimer: Joss and Fox and UPN etc. own everything, I own nothing. The bank even holds the paper on my car.
Dedication: To Tammy a new Buffy convert. To those wacky roadtrippers, glad to have you back I missed ya! And of course the Phantom Dedication.
Author's note: I mention a song it this fic but didn't get specific. If you want to know about it I put it at the end. This song was one of the songs that got me thinking about writing this fic so I wanted to share it with you. But if you hate songfic just stop when you see the 'END' ;-)
*-*-*-*-*-*
The Scoobies, sans Slayer were all gathered in the Magic Box. At Dawn's request, Anya and Xander had set up this emergency meeting. Tara and Willow sat quietly at the table, and even though things were a bit strained, they were talking and really listening to each other. Anya and Xander were assisting the last customers of the evening in anticipation of locking up for the night. Actually they were all just killing time waiting for Dawn to show up. Buffy was going to drop her off before she went on patrol, the cover story being that Tara and Willow were taking Dawn out for dinner and a movie and Dawn was going to be a buffer while Tara and Willow worked on getting their relationship back on track. Everyone's nerves were on edge, no one had missed the urgency in Dawn's voice when she had called this meeting. That it had followed on the heels of Giles' letters had not escaped anyone's notice.
Everyone had been working so hard on not thinking about that, that they were startled by the bell over the door jingling as Buffy entered with Dawn. Buffy wore the 'non-expression' that they had become accustomed to and Dawn looked slightly irritated as she did more often than not.
"Buffy, I'm going to be with our friends for a couple of hours and then they are taking me right home..." Dawn sighed. "I'll be fine. Sheesh, overprotective much?"
Buffy reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind Dawn's ear and with a small, sad smile said, "I know munchkin. Sorry, I know you'll be fine. It's just that you're all the family I have left and I can't lose you too..."
Dawn launched herself at her sister and the two shared a hard hug and a tear slipped from each of them. The gang watched, all a little emotional. The two sisters pulled themselves together and slowly released each other and turned towards their friends. Hoping to break the mood that had fallen around them all Willow jumped up and started to babble.
"There now, none of that. This is girl's night out! Are you sure you don't want to join us Buff? After patrol, I mean. Big fun brewing... Chick flicks, Mochas, ice cream, fattening food, guy bashing. An evening not to be missed..." With the gang all looking at her with stunned expressions her babble came to an abrupt halt.
"Sorry, Willow. Sounds like fun, shame I'm going to miss it. I had already planned on doing a really thorough patrol to check out a few rumors I heard. But maybe you should skip the Mochas. You seemed to have already met your quota of caffeine," Buffy said, not having noticed everyone else's reaction to Willow's slip.
"Heh heh," laughed Xander. "Hyper-Willow... scarier than an apocalypse."
"Well, now that I'm here, let's decide on where we'll eat and what movie we're going to see." Dawn turned back to Buffy, "You'd better get going and check out the baddies..."
"Ok, going now. Have fun. See ya later." With that Buffy left the shop.
"Geez, Willow. What were you thinking? Chick night was a cover for Dawn's Scooby meeting. What would you have done if Buffy took you up on your offer?" Xander questioned his friend, still a little wigged by their close call.
"Stop Xander," Anya said with surprising sensitivity. "Willow saw how upset Buffy was and in her concern she got a little carried away. Buffy seemed so sad. It's hard to watch without trying to cheer her up."
"Thanks, Anya." Willow sent her best friend's fiancée a small smile.
Tara came over and tentatively took Willow's hand in her own. "It's hard for all of us. She's been so sad since Giles left."
"Yeah, sorry, Wills." Xander sent Willow a goofy grin, which immediately turned into a frown. "Sad Buffy is kinda hard to take, especially since it seems like Giles isn't coming back... ever."
"That's exactly why I called this meeting. After I read his letter, I got the feeling he was never coming back." Dawn started wringing her hands and looked around the room; desperately hoping someone would tell her she was wrong.
"Oh no!" Willow exclaimed, sadness clearly written on her gamin features. "Tara and I talked about it. We were hoping we were overreacting. He was saying goodbye! He's never coming back."
After speaking the unspeakable Willow began to cry softly. Tara gently took her in her arms and tried to soothe her. Over Willow's shoulder she looked at each of her friends each in their own state of grief. Xander's lip quivered as he fought against the pain, his arm around Anya in comfort. Anya burrowed into his chest, all thought of profit and counting her money driven from her head. Tara realized that tears were slipping from her eyes and down her cheeks. It was Dawn who was first to shake off her grief. With typical Summers determination she turned to the others and spoke up.
"Well it's wrong and we are going to fix it!"
"Dawnie?"
"Tara, Buffy needs Giles, we all need Giles, so we have to think up a way to MAKE him come back."
"We couldn't get him to stay, how are we going to make in come back?" Xander asked.
"I have a plan..."
*-*-*-*-*-*
The mention of plan broke the tension and gave everyone purpose. Everyone went into action, years of Research parties had trained them, and out of habit they went about preparing for their Scooby meeting. Xander ordered dinner then left to pick it up. Anya finished closing the shop and put the day's receipts away to be dealt with later. Tara, Willow, and Dawn cleared the table and set up the chairs. Xander returned and distributed take out boxes and beverages. After everyone was settled and had begun to eat Willow looked at Dawn.
"Dawnie, you mentioned a plan?"
"Yeah Dawnster, what's the what? I hope you're not thinking of getting us involved in anything illegal." Xander tried to keep it light. "However, if it comes to it... I haven't ruled out kidnapping the G-man."
"Nope, no kidnapping," replied Dawn. "But if a plan B is necessary..."
"Dawnie..."
"Sorry Tara. Back on topic, right. Okay, here goes... It all revolves around WHY Giles left. He left because Buffy was relying too much on him taking care of everything for her. At least that's what he said. I think there was more to it than that..."
"He's in love with her," Anya stated succinctly. Willow and Xander stared at her, mouths open in shock. Tara nodded. Dawn smiled.
"Wh... what?" Xander looked at Willow, then back at Dawn and Anya. "Lov... in love...?"
"Oh please Xander. Think about it for a minute. Think about how it was like. Think about all he's done. Or just think back to the way he looked when he came back and he first saw her..."
The proverbial lightbulb went off. First for Willow then for Xander.
Willow reached over and took Xander's hand. "Xander, the way he held her face, called her a miracle, hugged her, the look on his face..."
"I get it Willow. I'm more surprised I didn't get it at her funeral. He was going to sing. He had the song all picked out, but then couldn't go through with it."
"Everything he did, he did with her in mind," Tara added. "He lives for her."
"Only someone that loves her would take all that he has from her." Anya said nodding. "In my day I have granted wishes for lesser offenses than the ones he has tolerated from her. If their genders had been reversed I would have had to do really icky things to Buffy."
"To get back on track," Dawn cleared her throat and continued, "He didn't leave because he was holding her back. He left because it had gotten too painful to be around her. She was so withdrawn... from us and mostly from him. They weren't doing that silent communication thing anymore. She wouldn't touch him. HE knew there was something bothering her but she wouldn't confide in him. It was really tearing him apart."
"Now, after our musical interlude, we know why she acted like that. But the damage had been done and I guess Giles had finally reached his limit. He was wrong to leave but it's kinda understandable. I think that's why he's not coming back. He's afraid to put himself in a position to be hurt again. The thing he doesn't know is that Buffy is in love with him. She won't ask him back..."
"Just like she wouldn't make him stay," Xander said. "She thinks it's best for him to be, not here. She doesn't want to hurt him anymore. She wants him to be safe, out of danger. She doesn't want to be selfish anymore. She's trying to be everything he wants her to be but she won't do anything directly to get him to return. Yeah, you're right Dawnster, she's in love with him too."
"Hey! How do you guys know that?" Willow asked, feeling a bit out of the loopy.
"Buffy and I had a talk, just before he left. Right after the amnesia thing." Xander gave Willow a look that said he held no hard feelings for that disaster. "More like she had a cry and I provided the tissues. She didn't come right out and say she loved him but what she did say proved it. She wants him to be happy and she doesn't think she can make him happy. She doesn't think she is good enough for him."
"I know cuz I found this," Dawn said as she reached into her school bag and pulled out several crumpled pieces of paper. "It's a letter Buffy wrote to Giles. She wrote it right after she got Giles' letter. She wrote it while she was listening to THAT song. She poured out her heart on this letter. She wrote down all her feeling, her thoughts... everything. Then she threw it away. She never intended for him to know how she feels."
"Dawn, if she threw it away what are you doing with it?" Tara asked not without a touch of reprimand in her tone. "What have you done."
"I'm the kid sister. It's what I do, snoop. Actually I went into her room to find that CD with THAT song..." Everyone around the table nodded. They had all been subjected to the playing of that Whitney Houston song, over and over again. Dawn continued, "To find that CD and get rid of it. I really never want to here that song again! Anyway, I decided to empty the garbage to cover my being in her room when I found the letter. After I read it, everything sorta made sense. Well it made sense after I thought about it for a while. So I came up with the plan."
"What did it say?" Willow asked.
"That's private. Between Buffy and Giles."
"No fair! Why should you be the only one to invade Buffy's privacy?" Anya pouted.
"I was wrong to read it and I'm not going to make it worse by passing it around." Dawn answered. "But I am going to send it to Giles. He needs to know how she feels. And hopefully once he does he'll come back."
All the Scoobies thought about it and finally agreed. This could end badly but it also seemed like their best chance to set things right and get Giles back where he belongs.
*-*-*-*-*-*
Dear Giles,
I'm never going to send this but I need to get some stuff off my chest. Since you are never going to see this I can let it all out and be perfectly honest, at least with myself.
Before you left, thanks to that stupid demon Sweet, I let it slip that when the others brought me back they had yanked me from Heaven and returned me to this Hell on Earth. I never meant for them to know. In my head I understood that the guys didn't mean to hurt me. That they were trying to 'save' me. But in my heart I am so angry and hurt. When does someone say 'Good job. Now rest, you earned it.'?. Everything here is so... so... It's too loud, too violent, too bright, too dark, so cold... Giles it hurts to be here.
I know I hurt you by not confiding in you. I know I sort of pushed you away. It was really hard to deal with. I was confused and uncomfortable. When I first came back I had to dig myself out of my grave. And all hell had broken loose in Sunnydale. And I wasn't in Heaven anymore. I couldn't talk to the guys; I couldn't lay that guilt trip on them. I couldn't tell Dawn, she would have freaked. And you weren't here. There were so many expectations... 'We rescued you, be grateful. Demons all around, patrol and slay. Be the grown up. Be the parent. Pay the bills. Talk to the teachers. Fix things. Be responsible. Make us happy. Protect us. Smile. Laugh' I hated it here. And I couldn't go back. I was afraid I never could. Giles, do they let you back in, after you've been expelled from Heaven?
But I tried to make a go of it. I really did. But it was so hard. Then there you were. When I looked up and saw you standing in the doorway, I didn't believe it at first. I mean, I had been wishing for you so hard... I didn't think you were real. Then you spoke and smiled and held me. For the first time since I had been brought back I felt almost comfortable in my own skin. For the first time I was glad to be back. You wrapped your arms around me, I could hear your heartbeat, smell your cologne, feel your warmth and that's when I knew... I loved you, you loved me, we were together again, and it was going to be all right. I wanted to tell you what was going on with me, but I didn't. At first it was because I just wanted to enjoy having you back. Then there never seemed to be a good time to do it. So much was going on and I didn't want to add to your burden. It was bad enough that I had once again took you away from a normal life. First when they went you to me as my Watcher, then when my Angel fiasco destroyed any chance with Ms Calender, then there was that bad first year at college when I ignored you, and again when you really had started over after my death; it seems all I've ever been is trouble for you. But my weirdness grew and you decided to go back to England. Guess I finally pushed you too far.
I bet you think you made a good decision. My reaction after you told me you were leaving should have confirmed that. Well I think your decision to leave was right but your reason sucked. I had been dragged out of heaven. I had been dead! Excuse me if I needed time to adjust. You knew something was wrong but since when don't you try to find out what it was? You used to care enough to confront me or be sneaky to find out. Granted you made your decision before you knew where I was, but you found out before you left. But it didn't make a difference, and it should have. You found out and it didn't slow down your rush to get away from me. That's why I was such a bitch. You were the only thing that made being alive again bearable and you just walked away. If I hadn't been expecting it, I mean all the men in my life leave especially the important ones, I might have really wigged. Actually I was surprised you lasted as long as you did or came back at all. But that's ok. Really. If anyone deserved to have a normal life it's you. If anyone understand the need for normal with all the weirdness we deal with, I do. I let you go (let's be real... I could have stopped you if I had really tried) because I love you. I need for you to be away from here, away from the Hellmouth. I need you to be safe and out of danger. I want you to be happy Giles, and I don't think you ever will be happy with me. I'm too selfish, too stupid about relationships. I'm the one that has hurt you the most and that's saying a lot. And finally, I am the Slayer. I have a short shelf life and I don't think you could watch me die again and survive. So I let you go.
God Giles, it was the hardest thing I ever did. I miss you so much. I'm so lonely without you. I feel. incomplete. I love Dawn and it's good being with her. I feel good about taking care of her. I'm really working on our relationship. I'm really trying. And I love the gang. I have been able to work through most of my bitterness and bad feeling for what they have done to me. We're starting to get back to where we used to be. As a team. It's good. But it's not enough. They're not you.
I miss you so much. Miss teasing you, I miss the way you'd tease me. I miss your 'just for me' smile and the twinkle in your eye when we would tease the others. I miss the way you would let me get away with weaseling out of training because you knew I needed a break. The way you knew what I was thinking without me saying anything and the way we were in sync when we fought monsters together. I miss feeling safe and cared for. I miss my stalwart, standing fast.
I did hear you. I really heard you. But you were wrong; you weren't standing in my way. I was standing in yours. So I had to grow up and step aside. Don't worry Giles I'll remember everything you taught me. I'll make you proud. Even though I've had to give up that hope, that I kept deep in a corner of my heart, that you would come back. I'll be the best Buffy I can be.
I have so many regrets. Not realizing how much I love and have loved you before it was too late, is probably the biggest. Not ever having the chance to show you or have you show me is a close second. Not getting how destructive and impossible my relationship with Angel was and all the badness that stemmed from that relationship is also a biggie. I regret every mean thing I ever said to you. I didn't mean them. I regret every nice thing I never said because I thought you knew. I will never regret letting you go. I'll cry, be lonely, miss you, and dream of you, but I won't regret it. You are safe and alive and you have a real chance at a normal life. How can I regret that?
All my love always,
Buffy
END
Here are the lyrics for the song Giles was going to sing at Buffy's funeral.
One More Day
By Diamond Rio
Last night I had a crazy dream
a wish was granted just for me
it could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you!
One more day, one more time
one more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
but then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you
one more day...........
First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl.
I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off.
I'd hold you every second,
say a million I love you's.
That's what I'd do with one more day with you.
One more day, one more time,
one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again I know what it would do
leave me wishing still for one more day with you.
One more day, one more time
one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again I know what it would do
leave me wishing still for one more day
leave me wishing still for one more day
leave me wishing still for one more day with you.