Words Said in Anger
Author: dword
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Early season 4, not sure exactly when, before Maggie's death sometime.
Disclaimers: I own nothing, just borrowing. Really, please don't be mad.
Pairing: B/G
Distribution: theLIST of course, Gabi, anyone else just ask.
Dedication: To my chatbuds, theLIST thanks you for all the fic you have written and WILL write; to Arkin for letting me adopt this orphan (even though I couldn't angst it up as much as she would like) and for being such a good friend; and to EW for her encouragement and silliness (turn away from the darkside, my dear)
********
"Is it just me or has Giles been kinda cranky lately?" Willow asked Buffy as they entered their Psych class.
"You noticed that too?" Buffy made her way to her seat. Willow followed her.
"Yeah. A couple of days ago he yells at Xander. Then, yesterday he snapped at ME." The shock was more than evident in Willow's voice.
"He's been totally snippy with me too. Wonder what's up with him."
"Well something' happened. He's been like this all week."
Buffy's eyes grew wide. "Oh God, Willow." A look of horror and regret passed over her features.
"What?"
"This week, don't you get it? This week two years ago.Oh God, and we forgot.How could we forget? How could I forget?!" Overwhelmed with remorse Buffy's voice lowered to a whisper. "Jenny...oh Giles I'm so sorry."
Buffy ran out of the classroom.
After watching the flight of her friend, Willow slowly picked up Buffy's forgotten books and quietly left class as well.
"Oh, boy."
**
Quietly, Buffy entered Giles' apartment. He was sitting on the sofa, staring at the dead fireplace. He didn't notice her until she came into his field of vision, standing by the couch looking down at him guiltily. "Giles.I'm so sorry... we were so wrapped up in our little college things we forgot.I'm sorry."
He didn't move, didn't say anything. She noticed his hand tightening around a glass that seemed to have Scotch in it. "Maybe you shouldn't be drinking."
"Don't." Giles put his hand up palm forward. It was a gesture of which Buffy was all too familiar. She had used it on Angel just before the Ascension when he has told her he was leaving. Even with no fire to lighten the darkness of the living room, Buffy could see that the man sitting before her was not the unflappable Watcher she was used to. Finally turning his head and making eye contact, Buffy was shocked at what she saw.
Taking a mental and physical step back from the anger and pain clearly evident she said, "Don't what?"
"Don't order me about, as if I were a mere child. Don't arrive a week late and expect me to ease your conscience. Don't bother to apologize. Don't expect me to simply forgive you. Don't come here feeling guilty and expect me to 'make it all better'. This isn't about you.
She wanted to sit down next to him, but the look on his face suggested that her company wouldn't be welcomed. "Giles, please don't..."
"What? Don't be angry?" He raised his voice. "A woman I cared deeply for was murdered. I have every right to be angry. You changed him, he killed her, and you don't even have the decency to remember." Suddenly he stood up and threw his glass at the fireplace, causing Buffy to jump. "You turned him into a murderer and you took him back!"
Buffy looked down at him in horror, her eyes wide, filled with tears. At last the meaning and impact of his words became clear to him. Regret and self-loathing washed through him, sobering him in an instant. He desperately needed to apologize, but Buffy was already out of his apartment, the door slamming behind her.
**
Giles rushed to the door, but by the time he stepped outside, Buffy was long gone. With her head start there was no way he could follow. Going back inside, he immediately picked up the phone and began to dial. On the fourth ring, just as he was about to give up, his call was answered.
"Hello?" Willow's voice at the other end sent a small burst of relief through his body.
"Oh, thank God Willow, you're there."
"Giles, I'm so sorry that we forgot. I should have..."
"There's no time for that now, Willow. Listen to me. Buffy was here. I-I had been drinking. I said some absolutely rather horrible things to her and now she's run off. We must find her. She left in such a state; she could be very vulnerable.
Heartache and regret battled inside Giles, each trying to gain control over the Watcher. "Willow I am the last person she will want to see. I don't think she will ever be able to forgive me for what I said. Nor should she. So you need to contact Xander. He should start looking for her. You should probably stay there; she may be headed back to the dorm. When you find her please let me know."
"Giles what did you say?" Hearing the pain in Giles voice Willow was not sure she wanted to know the answer.
"Oh God Willow. How can she forgive me when I can't forgive myself!"
The sound of his tears scared her more than any Hellmouth, but she knew she had to be strong now more than ever for her friends. "Don't worry Giles. Xander and I will find Buffy. We'll make sure she's safe. And we will get this all sorted out."
**
After disconnecting with Giles Willow immediately dialed Xander's number.
"Hello?"
"Xander! Get up, get dressed. You have to get over here right."
"Hey, what makes you think I need to get up and get dressed. Just because I'm not college guy doesn't mean."
"Xander. This is Willow. Remember me, known you all our lives? Just get up. We have to find Buffy right away."
Hearing the urgency in his best friend's voice, Xander immediately stopped joking. "You're giving me the wiggins, Will. What's up?"
"Buffy and Giles had some kind of argument. A really bad argument. And she ran off. Giles says we need to find her and get her to calm down. Oh Xander he sounded so bad.so scared."
Just then Buffy burst through the basement's door. She was a sight. Her makeup had run and there were tear streaks all over her face. In her mad dash from Giles' place her clothes had snagged and torn on various shrubs and trees. Blinded by her tears she had fallen a few times and there was dirt everywhere.
"Willow, Buffy's here."
"Ok. You keep her there. Talk to her. Try to be sensitive. Listen. And on second thought don't talk. Well just don't make jokes. I'll go over to Giles and find out what he has to say."
"'Okay Wills, call me. I'll be a good listening friend. This definitely is of the weird."
"Definitely. Call me if she tries to leave. Stay with her, no matter what. Bye."
Quickly putting the phone down, Xander rushed to Buffy's side. He enveloped her in a hug. As soon as she felt his arms go around her Buffy burst into a fresh round of sobs and wrapped her arms around her friend hanging on as if her life depended on it. Murmuring comforting nonsense He moved over to the chair and sat down holding the Slayer the whole time. Xander was at a total loss; he had never heard anything to compare with the anguish rolling off Buffy in waves. He just kept on holding her, patting her head and whispering comfort; hoping she would calm down enough to tell him what was wrong.
**
Willow hesitated as she reached Giles' door. She was terrified at what she would find when she entered. However she was more scared by the memory of the misery and pain she had heard in Giles' voice earlier. Gathering her courage she quietly entered his apartment.
"Buffy.?" The name was uttered in a husky hopeful voice from the general direction of the couch. The entire apartment was dark, somehow matching the mood of its tenant.
"No. Sorry, it's just me, Willow." Tentatively she crossed the room and got her first look at Giles. She was unable to hold back the gasp of shock that escaped past her lips. If the sound of his misery had frightened her, the sight of it terrified her tenfold.
"Oh geez, Giles. What happened?
"Are you alright? Of course you're not alright, I mean just look at you. You are so not alright. In all the time I have known you I have never seen you looking this not alright. Not even when Buffy ran away, not even after the Cruciamentum. Oh wow! This is worse than not alright, this is..." Realizing that she was in serious babble mode Willow cut herself off. "Sorry Giles. Here let me turn on some lights and we can talk."
"Willow, what are you doing here? You should be out looking for Buffy. You have to find..."
"It's okay Giles. Buffy is with Xander. She is safe. He'll take care of her and I will take care of you." She reached over and pushed him back into the couch when he made a move to get up. Then she picked up the half empty bottle of Scotch and the fallen glass, and headed to the kitchen. "I'll make some tea and then we will talk."
**
Xander continued to hold Buffy in his lap. Gradually her hysterical crying slowed to sobs and then sniffles. He could feel the exhaustion overtake the fragile young woman in his arms, her body ravaged by the devastating sorrow that held her in thrall. In the face of Buffy's pain, Xander felt helpless and unsure that he would be able to help her. Taking a deep breath and giving himself a mental shake he thought,
"Buffy, please tell me what's happened. I know you're upset, and I want to make it better, but I can't if I don't know what the problem is." Xander shifted Buffy in order to get a look at her face. What he saw in her eyes broke his heart.
"You can't make it better, Xander, no one can. Giles hates me!" A fresh bout of crying erupted from the Slayer, her guilt and despair pushing past her exhaustion.
"Buffy, Giles could never hate you! How could you even think something like that?"
"Because it's true! All I h...have ever done is hurt Giles. Jenny's death was all my fault." Her arms tightened around Xander's neck as her sobs grew louder. At a loss at what to do, Xander just held her and handed her tissues.
"It's not true. You aren't responsible for Jenny's death. Giles doesn't think that and he doesn't hate you. He cares."
"He does hate me!" Buffy blew her nose loudly. "He said it was my fault. And he was ri...ri...right!"
"What?!? He said what?"
Through a series of fits and starts, crying and blowing of noses, Buffy related everything that happened at Giles' apartment and what had brought her there in the first place. Exhaustion finally overtook her as she finished telling her tale and she collapsed into sleep. Xander gently moved her to his bed and covered her with a blanket. Tears filled his eyes as he watched the slayer sleep. Confusion, anger, and fear warred within him.
**
After fixing Giles a cup of tea and handing it to him, Willow settled next to him with her own cup. The silence dragged on as both pretended to find the tea fascinating. Unable to bear the silence any longer Willow put on her 'resolve face' and turned to Giles.
"Okay Giles, tell me what happened. Don't think to brush me off, see, resolve face. Talk. Now."
Realizing that there was no escape, and that it would just be better for everyone to get everything out in the open. Things had gone too far for him to ever make things right but he knew he needed to tell Willow the whole sordid tale, regardless of how it might damage his friendship with Buffy's two best friends. They would need the information to help Buffy.
"As you already know, I showed a serious lack of good judgement, and drank quite a bit." Unable to look Willow in the eyes, afraid to see the censure he knew he deserved, he told Willow all about the events of this afternoon.
**
Willow placed an afghan over Giles and started to clean up the remains of the tea they had shared. As she washed the dishes she tried to figure out exactly what was going on. She was sure that Giles really didn't mean the things he had said to Buffy, the guilt and regret he was feeling more than convinced her of that. But she could not understand why he said them. It didn't seem like something Hellmouthy but it didn't seem like Giles either.
The ringing of the phone interrupted her train of thoughts. She jumped to get the phone before the noise disturbed Giles' rest.
"Hello?" she said softly.
"Wills, it's me. We have to talk. Big time."
"Yeah, Xander, we do. How's Buffy?"
"She's sleeping. Giles?"
"Him too. Did she tell you what happened? Did you get her to talk?"
"Yeah.she was very upset. Understatement. She says Giles hates her. She says he said that it's her fault Jenny's dead. She says he was right. She was hysterical Wills, she finally cried herself to sleep. She thinks she is a bad person! What is going on?"
"I don't know Xander. Giles is in serious guilt mode. He was drinking before Buffy got here. He did say those things, but he didn't mean them. He hates himself for hurting her. He can't forgive himself and he can't face her. This is such a mess."
"This is bad Wills. I mean Buffy and G-man are doing a Humpty Dumpty and I'm not sure you and I are going to be able to put it back together again."
"They will be alright. They can get past this. I think it's because they haven't really been completely open with each other and never really cleared the air from before. I think they had issues and those issues just exploded."
"Issues? Oh, like Jenny, running away, that Watcher's test, Angel."
"Yeah like that. We have to get them to talk this out. They have to clear this up. They are so important to each other. They need each other."
"They love each other, Will. It's so obvious, even to me, and I'm Mr. Oblivious." Xander sighed then continued. "But how are we going to get them to talk if we can't get them to face each other?"
"You're right, they are both so convinced that the other hates them we won't be able to get them in the same room much less talking."
After a long pause Willow continued, "I guess we'll just have to be sneaky."
"Lead me my wise wonderful witch. I will follow and together we will make it better."
"That's right. We will"
**
After a few more minutes of quiet conversation, the duo decided to take Buffy home after she woke up. Home, not the dorm. Willow and Xander both realized that they were going to need help to make things right. And Buffy needed her mother.
Xander walked over to the bed and watched Buffy sleep. It was not a peaceful sleep. Buffy was tossing her head and her body occasionally twitched. Tears continued to leak from her eyes. It broke his heart to see her like this. But even more, he was scared, really scared. The idea that the breach between two of the most important people in his life might not be repairable was frightening.
**
When Joyce pulled into the driveway after coming home from the gallery, the first thing she noticed was that all the lights were on in the house. She grabbed her briefcase and headed for the back door. She stepped into her kitchen and was confronted with the sight of Xander in a white frilly apron and the smell of roasted chicken.
"Xander?" was all she could manage, confusion and concern both evident in her voice.
At the sound of Joyce's voice Xander jumped and dropped the spoon he was holding.
"Mrs. Summers! You're home. Of course you're home. Where else would you be this time of the day? You..."
"Xander, what's going on? What are you doing here? Is Buffy...?"
"Buffy's upstairs, Mrs. Summers," said Willow as she entered the kitchen. With a glare at Xander she continued. "You surprised Xander and he went into babble overdrive. Xander is a firm believer in comfort food so when he's upset or nervous he cooks."
Upset? Why upset? Is there something wrong? What's happened? Buffy's upstairs...?" Willow and Xander could see the blind panic beginning to take over and they both rushed to Joyce's side.
"Buffy is upstairs sleeping. She's not injured, but she is hurt." Willow struggled to find the words to explain what had happened today, while Xander gently guided Joyce to sit at the table.
"Well it's kind of a long story. But it won't get any shorter unless I start." With a sigh Willow began telling Joyce the events that led them to this place. "You see it all started earlier when Buffy and I realized that today was the anniversary of Ms. Calendar's death."
***
At the sound of insistent knocking on his door, Giles reluctantly went to open it. It couldn't be Willow or Xander; they wouldn't knock, preferring instead to just enter at will. He did not delude himself by thinking it might be Buffy, he seriously doubted that he would ever see her at his door again. Without even checking to see who was on the other side he opened the door. His mouth dropped in surprise when he saw Joyce standing on his doorstep.
"J...Joyce! Wh...what are...Is everything alright? Ha...has anything happened to Buffy?" he stammered.
Joyce leveled a glare at Giles. "You don't get to talk. I do." In full mother mode Joyce stormed into the apartment without waiting for an invitation and headed for the living room. Giles had no choice but to follow. She threw her purse on the couch and turned on Giles.
"You know since Buffy started college we haven't gotten to spend too much time together. I've been hoping that she would drop by more often. But not like this. We can't exactly do the mother-daughter bonding thing when she's stuck in her room absolutely heartbroken and drowning in guilt." Joyce walked up to Giles and pushed him so that he had no choice but to sit on the couch.
"Willow and Xander told me what happened. What was said." She moved closer to Giles and pinned him with a look. "I'm here to fix it."
She took a deep breath and continued, "I realize that before learning that Buffy was the Slayer I was not the most clued in person, that I may have been somewhat oblivious. But that's no longer the case. Since learning that my daughter is the Chosen One I have made it a point to try to observe and understand. And do you know what I've learned?"
When Giles opened his mouth to answer, Joyce pointed her finger at him to cut him off. "I'm not done talking yet. Don't interrupt." Giles closed his mouth with a snap. "I have learned that the reason my daughter is still alive is because of you. I've learned that the two of you are a team, two parts of a whole, separately good at what you do, but together a force to be reckoned with. I have learned that no one could care for my daughter more than you and that I can trust you with her life." This said, she sat next to Giles and took his hand in both of hers.
"Ours hasn't been a normal relationship. We haven't had an easy time of it, but I want you to know that I do consider you a friend and that I respect and care for you. You're a good man, Rupert Giles."
Unable to hold his tongue any longer Giles interrupted, "A good man?!? How can you say that! You say the children told you what happened, then you know what I said! The unforgivable..."
"Nothing is unforgivable, Rupert. Especially words said in anger and not meant. No one knows that better than I do. I told you that I've been paying attention, I know why you said them." The baffled look on Giles' face gave her cause to chuckle before she continued. "Have you been denying your feelings for so long that even you can't see what's happening?"
"I know you love my daughter, Rupert. It's impossible not to see it. Just as it is impossible not to see that Buffy loves you just as much. Even Willow and Xander can see it. You said those horrible things out of frustration and guilt. Frustration because you feel like you are losing Buffy, that she is growing away from you, that she doesn't need you. Guilt because as much as you cared for Jenny, your heart already belonged to Buffy. That you would have never been able to love Jenny the way she deserved yet she died because she cared for you. You don't blame Buffy, you blame yourself."
"Buffy has been pulling back from you because she is growing up, Rupert. She's taken a good long look at her life, at all the events that have occurred since coming to Sunnydale. She has finally noticed that it isn't all about her. She's realized all that you've given up for her and all the pain she has caused you. You have given up a normal life, left your home, friends, and family to be her watcher. And in her mind all she's done to repay you for your sacrifices is take you for granted, kept things like Angel's return from you, caused you worry and pain. Angel losing his soul, Jenny's death, the torture you suffered at Angelus' hands, and the worry you went through when she ran away. You didn't say anything that she hasn't said to herself. That she didn't already believe. She is pulling back so you can have a life. She wants you safe and happy. She loves you so much Rupert, but she doesn't think that you could ever feel the same and even if you could she doesn't feel she deserves it." Taking a deep breath Joyce locked eyes with Giles.
"So what are you going to do about this situation?" Giles continued to just stare at Joyce completely baffled, unable to make a sound. "That was your cue to say something Rupert. You're hurting, Buffy is hurting. This can't go on. You two have to get this resolved. I don't give Buffy a snowball's chance as the Slayer without you. As difficult as it may be, you both have to face each other and work this out. I won't have my daughter's live endangered because you both are too afraid, prideful, pigheaded, and whatever, to tell each other how you really feel! I won't!"
Unable or unwilling to believe his ears, Giles looked at Joyce, all his emotions clearly evident in eyes. He tried to gather his wits to make her understand that she was asking the impossible. He had to somehow make Joyce understand that Buffy was better off without him. That there was no fixing this. Finally he took a deep breath and began to speak.
"Joyce, as much as I want Buffy's forgiveness, it is too much to ask. What I said was reprehensible. I cannot forgive myself much less ask her to forgive me. You say that she needs me. Needs me? When all I have done is hurt and betray her? I would give anything to take it all back, to make things right. You are right when you say that I love her. How can I not? But to have her love me back...that is just a foolish old man's dream..."
"No. Not foolish and not a dream. Age, yours or hers is unimportant. She is the Slayer. She has experienced more in her brief lifetime than most people do after a full long life. Age has nothing to do with loving someone. And yes she does need you. She needs you to care for her and to support her. You are the only one that can truly understand what she goes through. She needs you to watch over her, to protect her, to help her face her duty. She needs someone who loves her and would do anything, give anything to keep her alive. She needs you to give her a reason to fight the darkness. You are her reason."
"I would willingly die for her, I love her that much, Joyce. But..."
"No 'buts' Rupert. I know that you love her that much, now it's time you tell her. Come on Rupert, I'm the poster child for saying unforgivable things. Remember? But she forgave me. You all forgave me. Because you knew I didn't mean it. You must face her. You have to get this all out in the open..." Joyce stood up, dragging Giles with her. "Now go get cleaned up, you're coming with me back to the house and get this straightened out once and for all!"
He realized that arguing was futile, that he really didn't want to argue. As he headed upstairs to shower and change, Giles allowed himself a small bit of hope, even as he felt fear at facing his Slayer and what might happen.
***
At the sound of a car pulling into the driveway Willow and Xander peeked out the front window. When they saw that Joyce had returned with Giles in tow they began to gather their stuff and prepared to leave. As soon as Joyce and Giles entered the house the two young people headed for the door.
"Hi Giles, bye Giles." said Willow. As she passed Giles she gave him a small smile and a reassuring hug. Turning to Joyce she said. "Buffy is still upstairs. She is awake but she won't come down. She says she wants to be alone."
"We did get her to eat something though. Hey G-man." Xander pulled Giles to the side and said softly, "Giles, I know you think I'm just a kid and that I'm usually not the most sensitive person, but I know you love Buffy and I know that she needs you. You need each other. Please fix this. I really hate to see you both hurting." He too gave Giles a hug and quickly left with Willow.
"Everyone sees it but you two," sighed Joyce as she watched her daughter's two best friends leave. After a moment she turned back to Giles with a look that reminded him of Willow's resolve face only far more formidable. "Now go upstairs and talk to Buffy."
Taking a deep breath, to calm himself and to gather his courage, Giles took the first step of the most difficult thing he had ever done.
***
The door to Buffy's room was slightly ajar. He stood outside trying to figure out exactly what he was going to say to her. What magical words could he come up with to make everything right? The sound of a sob from within the darkened room broke him out of his trance and propelled him to Buffy's side.
"D...don't... please don't cry...I am so sorry!" he said in a hoarse whisper. He sat on the side of the bed and tried to take her into his arms.
At the sound of his voice Buffy scrambled to a sitting position, moving away from her Watcher. Her eyes frantically searched his looking for the anger and loathing she was sure would be there. Finding only regret, sadness, and love there confused her.
"Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for? For saying what we both know is the truth? I'm the one who is sorry! Oh god Giles, all I've ever done is take and take and hurt and ...how can you even stand to look at me?" Fresh tears began to stream down her face.
"Oh my...oh Buffy! It wasn't the truth! Far from it!" No longer able to stand seeing Buffy in pain without comforting her, Giles dragged her into his arms despite her struggles. After several minutes, Buffy stopped resisting his embrace and threw her arms around his waist. Unable to resist the comfort and warmth she craved any longer, Buffy burrowed deeper into the Ex-watcher arms.
"Please Buffy, you have to believe me, I didn't mean a word that I said this afternoon." Stroking her hair, Giles held her tighter, it seemed to comfort her. "I was wallowing in self pity and self hatred and lashed out at you. I am so sorry!"
"But, because of me Jenny died, Angelus hurt you."
"No! You had no way of knowing what would happen. If Jenny had been honest with us we may have prevented what happened, but I think it was meant to be and nothing could have changed things. No one is to blame." With her face held gently between his hands Giles looked deeply into Buffy's eyes, willing her to see the truth in his words.
"Buffy, you must not give anything I said any credence. I said them because I wanted to hurt you. They were the ramblings of a bitter old fool. I was feeling castoff because you were spending more and more time away from me, with university and with the your commando friends."
"Giles! I wasn't casting you aside!" Pulling back from his embrace Buffy sat up straight and placed both her hands on his shoulders. With a slight quiver in her lip, which she promptly fought back she continued, "I wanted you to be safe. I needed you to be safe. I need you." Once again she dived into Giles' embrace holding him so tightly he grunted.
"Shhh, self-pity and scotch went a long way towards making me feel abandoned. I sulked and I lashed out instead of trying to really see what you were doing and why you were doing it. Your mum set me straight."
"Mom? My mom???"
"Yes, not quite as oblivious as we thought. And quite a formidable woman." Giles shifted position on the bed. He rested his back against the headboard, and drew Buffy to his side where she immediately settled against his side with his arm around her shoulder her head pillowed on his chest.
Buffy wrapped her arms around Giles, as if afraid he would disappear. Her tears slowed and her sobs dwindled to little hiccuppy breaths as his presence calmed her frayed emotions.
"What happened to us, Giles?"
"I think this has been building for a long time. Somewhere along the line we lost our ability to communicate with each other. Holding back from each other, for fear of what the other might think."
"Like when I ran away without telling anyone what happened with Angel and Acathla or when I didn't tell you about Angel being back."
"I think my stuffy British stiff upper lip was just as much at fault. I could have been more forthcoming after the Cruciamentum, could have tried to explain why I did what I did. We both were at fault on the communication issue Buffy. We were both so busy beating ourselves up over what we thought were our 'crimes' that things just..."
"Went KA-BOOM?"
"Exactly." With a soft smile Giles wiped the last traces of tears from her face with his handkerchief. "We forgot that we were a team, that we are in this together."
"I missed you Giles."
Giles placed a kiss on the top of her head and said, "I missed you too."
***
Joyce looked into Buffy's room and saw the two of them asleep, the day's events finally taking their toll. The picture they made with their arms wrapped around each other convinced her that they were on their way back from the dark place they had been lost. They were going to be alright. Joyce turned out the light and went down to call Willow and Xander.
END
Author: dword
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Early season 4, not sure exactly when, before Maggie's death sometime.
Disclaimers: I own nothing, just borrowing. Really, please don't be mad.
Pairing: B/G
Distribution: theLIST of course, Gabi, anyone else just ask.
Dedication: To my chatbuds, theLIST thanks you for all the fic you have written and WILL write; to Arkin for letting me adopt this orphan (even though I couldn't angst it up as much as she would like) and for being such a good friend; and to EW for her encouragement and silliness (turn away from the darkside, my dear)
********
"Is it just me or has Giles been kinda cranky lately?" Willow asked Buffy as they entered their Psych class.
"You noticed that too?" Buffy made her way to her seat. Willow followed her.
"Yeah. A couple of days ago he yells at Xander. Then, yesterday he snapped at ME." The shock was more than evident in Willow's voice.
"He's been totally snippy with me too. Wonder what's up with him."
"Well something' happened. He's been like this all week."
Buffy's eyes grew wide. "Oh God, Willow." A look of horror and regret passed over her features.
"What?"
"This week, don't you get it? This week two years ago.Oh God, and we forgot.How could we forget? How could I forget?!" Overwhelmed with remorse Buffy's voice lowered to a whisper. "Jenny...oh Giles I'm so sorry."
Buffy ran out of the classroom.
After watching the flight of her friend, Willow slowly picked up Buffy's forgotten books and quietly left class as well.
"Oh, boy."
**
Quietly, Buffy entered Giles' apartment. He was sitting on the sofa, staring at the dead fireplace. He didn't notice her until she came into his field of vision, standing by the couch looking down at him guiltily. "Giles.I'm so sorry... we were so wrapped up in our little college things we forgot.I'm sorry."
He didn't move, didn't say anything. She noticed his hand tightening around a glass that seemed to have Scotch in it. "Maybe you shouldn't be drinking."
"Don't." Giles put his hand up palm forward. It was a gesture of which Buffy was all too familiar. She had used it on Angel just before the Ascension when he has told her he was leaving. Even with no fire to lighten the darkness of the living room, Buffy could see that the man sitting before her was not the unflappable Watcher she was used to. Finally turning his head and making eye contact, Buffy was shocked at what she saw.
Taking a mental and physical step back from the anger and pain clearly evident she said, "Don't what?"
"Don't order me about, as if I were a mere child. Don't arrive a week late and expect me to ease your conscience. Don't bother to apologize. Don't expect me to simply forgive you. Don't come here feeling guilty and expect me to 'make it all better'. This isn't about you.
She wanted to sit down next to him, but the look on his face suggested that her company wouldn't be welcomed. "Giles, please don't..."
"What? Don't be angry?" He raised his voice. "A woman I cared deeply for was murdered. I have every right to be angry. You changed him, he killed her, and you don't even have the decency to remember." Suddenly he stood up and threw his glass at the fireplace, causing Buffy to jump. "You turned him into a murderer and you took him back!"
Buffy looked down at him in horror, her eyes wide, filled with tears. At last the meaning and impact of his words became clear to him. Regret and self-loathing washed through him, sobering him in an instant. He desperately needed to apologize, but Buffy was already out of his apartment, the door slamming behind her.
**
Giles rushed to the door, but by the time he stepped outside, Buffy was long gone. With her head start there was no way he could follow. Going back inside, he immediately picked up the phone and began to dial. On the fourth ring, just as he was about to give up, his call was answered.
"Hello?" Willow's voice at the other end sent a small burst of relief through his body.
"Oh, thank God Willow, you're there."
"Giles, I'm so sorry that we forgot. I should have..."
"There's no time for that now, Willow. Listen to me. Buffy was here. I-I had been drinking. I said some absolutely rather horrible things to her and now she's run off. We must find her. She left in such a state; she could be very vulnerable.
Heartache and regret battled inside Giles, each trying to gain control over the Watcher. "Willow I am the last person she will want to see. I don't think she will ever be able to forgive me for what I said. Nor should she. So you need to contact Xander. He should start looking for her. You should probably stay there; she may be headed back to the dorm. When you find her please let me know."
"Giles what did you say?" Hearing the pain in Giles voice Willow was not sure she wanted to know the answer.
"Oh God Willow. How can she forgive me when I can't forgive myself!"
The sound of his tears scared her more than any Hellmouth, but she knew she had to be strong now more than ever for her friends. "Don't worry Giles. Xander and I will find Buffy. We'll make sure she's safe. And we will get this all sorted out."
**
After disconnecting with Giles Willow immediately dialed Xander's number.
"Hello?"
"Xander! Get up, get dressed. You have to get over here right."
"Hey, what makes you think I need to get up and get dressed. Just because I'm not college guy doesn't mean."
"Xander. This is Willow. Remember me, known you all our lives? Just get up. We have to find Buffy right away."
Hearing the urgency in his best friend's voice, Xander immediately stopped joking. "You're giving me the wiggins, Will. What's up?"
"Buffy and Giles had some kind of argument. A really bad argument. And she ran off. Giles says we need to find her and get her to calm down. Oh Xander he sounded so bad.so scared."
Just then Buffy burst through the basement's door. She was a sight. Her makeup had run and there were tear streaks all over her face. In her mad dash from Giles' place her clothes had snagged and torn on various shrubs and trees. Blinded by her tears she had fallen a few times and there was dirt everywhere.
"Willow, Buffy's here."
"Ok. You keep her there. Talk to her. Try to be sensitive. Listen. And on second thought don't talk. Well just don't make jokes. I'll go over to Giles and find out what he has to say."
"'Okay Wills, call me. I'll be a good listening friend. This definitely is of the weird."
"Definitely. Call me if she tries to leave. Stay with her, no matter what. Bye."
Quickly putting the phone down, Xander rushed to Buffy's side. He enveloped her in a hug. As soon as she felt his arms go around her Buffy burst into a fresh round of sobs and wrapped her arms around her friend hanging on as if her life depended on it. Murmuring comforting nonsense He moved over to the chair and sat down holding the Slayer the whole time. Xander was at a total loss; he had never heard anything to compare with the anguish rolling off Buffy in waves. He just kept on holding her, patting her head and whispering comfort; hoping she would calm down enough to tell him what was wrong.
**
Willow hesitated as she reached Giles' door. She was terrified at what she would find when she entered. However she was more scared by the memory of the misery and pain she had heard in Giles' voice earlier. Gathering her courage she quietly entered his apartment.
"Buffy.?" The name was uttered in a husky hopeful voice from the general direction of the couch. The entire apartment was dark, somehow matching the mood of its tenant.
"No. Sorry, it's just me, Willow." Tentatively she crossed the room and got her first look at Giles. She was unable to hold back the gasp of shock that escaped past her lips. If the sound of his misery had frightened her, the sight of it terrified her tenfold.
"Oh geez, Giles. What happened?
"Are you alright? Of course you're not alright, I mean just look at you. You are so not alright. In all the time I have known you I have never seen you looking this not alright. Not even when Buffy ran away, not even after the Cruciamentum. Oh wow! This is worse than not alright, this is..." Realizing that she was in serious babble mode Willow cut herself off. "Sorry Giles. Here let me turn on some lights and we can talk."
"Willow, what are you doing here? You should be out looking for Buffy. You have to find..."
"It's okay Giles. Buffy is with Xander. She is safe. He'll take care of her and I will take care of you." She reached over and pushed him back into the couch when he made a move to get up. Then she picked up the half empty bottle of Scotch and the fallen glass, and headed to the kitchen. "I'll make some tea and then we will talk."
**
Xander continued to hold Buffy in his lap. Gradually her hysterical crying slowed to sobs and then sniffles. He could feel the exhaustion overtake the fragile young woman in his arms, her body ravaged by the devastating sorrow that held her in thrall. In the face of Buffy's pain, Xander felt helpless and unsure that he would be able to help her. Taking a deep breath and giving himself a mental shake he thought,
"Buffy, please tell me what's happened. I know you're upset, and I want to make it better, but I can't if I don't know what the problem is." Xander shifted Buffy in order to get a look at her face. What he saw in her eyes broke his heart.
"You can't make it better, Xander, no one can. Giles hates me!" A fresh bout of crying erupted from the Slayer, her guilt and despair pushing past her exhaustion.
"Buffy, Giles could never hate you! How could you even think something like that?"
"Because it's true! All I h...have ever done is hurt Giles. Jenny's death was all my fault." Her arms tightened around Xander's neck as her sobs grew louder. At a loss at what to do, Xander just held her and handed her tissues.
"It's not true. You aren't responsible for Jenny's death. Giles doesn't think that and he doesn't hate you. He cares."
"He does hate me!" Buffy blew her nose loudly. "He said it was my fault. And he was ri...ri...right!"
"What?!? He said what?"
Through a series of fits and starts, crying and blowing of noses, Buffy related everything that happened at Giles' apartment and what had brought her there in the first place. Exhaustion finally overtook her as she finished telling her tale and she collapsed into sleep. Xander gently moved her to his bed and covered her with a blanket. Tears filled his eyes as he watched the slayer sleep. Confusion, anger, and fear warred within him.
**
After fixing Giles a cup of tea and handing it to him, Willow settled next to him with her own cup. The silence dragged on as both pretended to find the tea fascinating. Unable to bear the silence any longer Willow put on her 'resolve face' and turned to Giles.
"Okay Giles, tell me what happened. Don't think to brush me off, see, resolve face. Talk. Now."
Realizing that there was no escape, and that it would just be better for everyone to get everything out in the open. Things had gone too far for him to ever make things right but he knew he needed to tell Willow the whole sordid tale, regardless of how it might damage his friendship with Buffy's two best friends. They would need the information to help Buffy.
"As you already know, I showed a serious lack of good judgement, and drank quite a bit." Unable to look Willow in the eyes, afraid to see the censure he knew he deserved, he told Willow all about the events of this afternoon.
**
Willow placed an afghan over Giles and started to clean up the remains of the tea they had shared. As she washed the dishes she tried to figure out exactly what was going on. She was sure that Giles really didn't mean the things he had said to Buffy, the guilt and regret he was feeling more than convinced her of that. But she could not understand why he said them. It didn't seem like something Hellmouthy but it didn't seem like Giles either.
The ringing of the phone interrupted her train of thoughts. She jumped to get the phone before the noise disturbed Giles' rest.
"Hello?" she said softly.
"Wills, it's me. We have to talk. Big time."
"Yeah, Xander, we do. How's Buffy?"
"She's sleeping. Giles?"
"Him too. Did she tell you what happened? Did you get her to talk?"
"Yeah.she was very upset. Understatement. She says Giles hates her. She says he said that it's her fault Jenny's dead. She says he was right. She was hysterical Wills, she finally cried herself to sleep. She thinks she is a bad person! What is going on?"
"I don't know Xander. Giles is in serious guilt mode. He was drinking before Buffy got here. He did say those things, but he didn't mean them. He hates himself for hurting her. He can't forgive himself and he can't face her. This is such a mess."
"This is bad Wills. I mean Buffy and G-man are doing a Humpty Dumpty and I'm not sure you and I are going to be able to put it back together again."
"They will be alright. They can get past this. I think it's because they haven't really been completely open with each other and never really cleared the air from before. I think they had issues and those issues just exploded."
"Issues? Oh, like Jenny, running away, that Watcher's test, Angel."
"Yeah like that. We have to get them to talk this out. They have to clear this up. They are so important to each other. They need each other."
"They love each other, Will. It's so obvious, even to me, and I'm Mr. Oblivious." Xander sighed then continued. "But how are we going to get them to talk if we can't get them to face each other?"
"You're right, they are both so convinced that the other hates them we won't be able to get them in the same room much less talking."
After a long pause Willow continued, "I guess we'll just have to be sneaky."
"Lead me my wise wonderful witch. I will follow and together we will make it better."
"That's right. We will"
**
After a few more minutes of quiet conversation, the duo decided to take Buffy home after she woke up. Home, not the dorm. Willow and Xander both realized that they were going to need help to make things right. And Buffy needed her mother.
Xander walked over to the bed and watched Buffy sleep. It was not a peaceful sleep. Buffy was tossing her head and her body occasionally twitched. Tears continued to leak from her eyes. It broke his heart to see her like this. But even more, he was scared, really scared. The idea that the breach between two of the most important people in his life might not be repairable was frightening.
**
When Joyce pulled into the driveway after coming home from the gallery, the first thing she noticed was that all the lights were on in the house. She grabbed her briefcase and headed for the back door. She stepped into her kitchen and was confronted with the sight of Xander in a white frilly apron and the smell of roasted chicken.
"Xander?" was all she could manage, confusion and concern both evident in her voice.
At the sound of Joyce's voice Xander jumped and dropped the spoon he was holding.
"Mrs. Summers! You're home. Of course you're home. Where else would you be this time of the day? You..."
"Xander, what's going on? What are you doing here? Is Buffy...?"
"Buffy's upstairs, Mrs. Summers," said Willow as she entered the kitchen. With a glare at Xander she continued. "You surprised Xander and he went into babble overdrive. Xander is a firm believer in comfort food so when he's upset or nervous he cooks."
Upset? Why upset? Is there something wrong? What's happened? Buffy's upstairs...?" Willow and Xander could see the blind panic beginning to take over and they both rushed to Joyce's side.
"Buffy is upstairs sleeping. She's not injured, but she is hurt." Willow struggled to find the words to explain what had happened today, while Xander gently guided Joyce to sit at the table.
"Well it's kind of a long story. But it won't get any shorter unless I start." With a sigh Willow began telling Joyce the events that led them to this place. "You see it all started earlier when Buffy and I realized that today was the anniversary of Ms. Calendar's death."
***
At the sound of insistent knocking on his door, Giles reluctantly went to open it. It couldn't be Willow or Xander; they wouldn't knock, preferring instead to just enter at will. He did not delude himself by thinking it might be Buffy, he seriously doubted that he would ever see her at his door again. Without even checking to see who was on the other side he opened the door. His mouth dropped in surprise when he saw Joyce standing on his doorstep.
"J...Joyce! Wh...what are...Is everything alright? Ha...has anything happened to Buffy?" he stammered.
Joyce leveled a glare at Giles. "You don't get to talk. I do." In full mother mode Joyce stormed into the apartment without waiting for an invitation and headed for the living room. Giles had no choice but to follow. She threw her purse on the couch and turned on Giles.
"You know since Buffy started college we haven't gotten to spend too much time together. I've been hoping that she would drop by more often. But not like this. We can't exactly do the mother-daughter bonding thing when she's stuck in her room absolutely heartbroken and drowning in guilt." Joyce walked up to Giles and pushed him so that he had no choice but to sit on the couch.
"Willow and Xander told me what happened. What was said." She moved closer to Giles and pinned him with a look. "I'm here to fix it."
She took a deep breath and continued, "I realize that before learning that Buffy was the Slayer I was not the most clued in person, that I may have been somewhat oblivious. But that's no longer the case. Since learning that my daughter is the Chosen One I have made it a point to try to observe and understand. And do you know what I've learned?"
When Giles opened his mouth to answer, Joyce pointed her finger at him to cut him off. "I'm not done talking yet. Don't interrupt." Giles closed his mouth with a snap. "I have learned that the reason my daughter is still alive is because of you. I've learned that the two of you are a team, two parts of a whole, separately good at what you do, but together a force to be reckoned with. I have learned that no one could care for my daughter more than you and that I can trust you with her life." This said, she sat next to Giles and took his hand in both of hers.
"Ours hasn't been a normal relationship. We haven't had an easy time of it, but I want you to know that I do consider you a friend and that I respect and care for you. You're a good man, Rupert Giles."
Unable to hold his tongue any longer Giles interrupted, "A good man?!? How can you say that! You say the children told you what happened, then you know what I said! The unforgivable..."
"Nothing is unforgivable, Rupert. Especially words said in anger and not meant. No one knows that better than I do. I told you that I've been paying attention, I know why you said them." The baffled look on Giles' face gave her cause to chuckle before she continued. "Have you been denying your feelings for so long that even you can't see what's happening?"
"I know you love my daughter, Rupert. It's impossible not to see it. Just as it is impossible not to see that Buffy loves you just as much. Even Willow and Xander can see it. You said those horrible things out of frustration and guilt. Frustration because you feel like you are losing Buffy, that she is growing away from you, that she doesn't need you. Guilt because as much as you cared for Jenny, your heart already belonged to Buffy. That you would have never been able to love Jenny the way she deserved yet she died because she cared for you. You don't blame Buffy, you blame yourself."
"Buffy has been pulling back from you because she is growing up, Rupert. She's taken a good long look at her life, at all the events that have occurred since coming to Sunnydale. She has finally noticed that it isn't all about her. She's realized all that you've given up for her and all the pain she has caused you. You have given up a normal life, left your home, friends, and family to be her watcher. And in her mind all she's done to repay you for your sacrifices is take you for granted, kept things like Angel's return from you, caused you worry and pain. Angel losing his soul, Jenny's death, the torture you suffered at Angelus' hands, and the worry you went through when she ran away. You didn't say anything that she hasn't said to herself. That she didn't already believe. She is pulling back so you can have a life. She wants you safe and happy. She loves you so much Rupert, but she doesn't think that you could ever feel the same and even if you could she doesn't feel she deserves it." Taking a deep breath Joyce locked eyes with Giles.
"So what are you going to do about this situation?" Giles continued to just stare at Joyce completely baffled, unable to make a sound. "That was your cue to say something Rupert. You're hurting, Buffy is hurting. This can't go on. You two have to get this resolved. I don't give Buffy a snowball's chance as the Slayer without you. As difficult as it may be, you both have to face each other and work this out. I won't have my daughter's live endangered because you both are too afraid, prideful, pigheaded, and whatever, to tell each other how you really feel! I won't!"
Unable or unwilling to believe his ears, Giles looked at Joyce, all his emotions clearly evident in eyes. He tried to gather his wits to make her understand that she was asking the impossible. He had to somehow make Joyce understand that Buffy was better off without him. That there was no fixing this. Finally he took a deep breath and began to speak.
"Joyce, as much as I want Buffy's forgiveness, it is too much to ask. What I said was reprehensible. I cannot forgive myself much less ask her to forgive me. You say that she needs me. Needs me? When all I have done is hurt and betray her? I would give anything to take it all back, to make things right. You are right when you say that I love her. How can I not? But to have her love me back...that is just a foolish old man's dream..."
"No. Not foolish and not a dream. Age, yours or hers is unimportant. She is the Slayer. She has experienced more in her brief lifetime than most people do after a full long life. Age has nothing to do with loving someone. And yes she does need you. She needs you to care for her and to support her. You are the only one that can truly understand what she goes through. She needs you to watch over her, to protect her, to help her face her duty. She needs someone who loves her and would do anything, give anything to keep her alive. She needs you to give her a reason to fight the darkness. You are her reason."
"I would willingly die for her, I love her that much, Joyce. But..."
"No 'buts' Rupert. I know that you love her that much, now it's time you tell her. Come on Rupert, I'm the poster child for saying unforgivable things. Remember? But she forgave me. You all forgave me. Because you knew I didn't mean it. You must face her. You have to get this all out in the open..." Joyce stood up, dragging Giles with her. "Now go get cleaned up, you're coming with me back to the house and get this straightened out once and for all!"
He realized that arguing was futile, that he really didn't want to argue. As he headed upstairs to shower and change, Giles allowed himself a small bit of hope, even as he felt fear at facing his Slayer and what might happen.
***
At the sound of a car pulling into the driveway Willow and Xander peeked out the front window. When they saw that Joyce had returned with Giles in tow they began to gather their stuff and prepared to leave. As soon as Joyce and Giles entered the house the two young people headed for the door.
"Hi Giles, bye Giles." said Willow. As she passed Giles she gave him a small smile and a reassuring hug. Turning to Joyce she said. "Buffy is still upstairs. She is awake but she won't come down. She says she wants to be alone."
"We did get her to eat something though. Hey G-man." Xander pulled Giles to the side and said softly, "Giles, I know you think I'm just a kid and that I'm usually not the most sensitive person, but I know you love Buffy and I know that she needs you. You need each other. Please fix this. I really hate to see you both hurting." He too gave Giles a hug and quickly left with Willow.
"Everyone sees it but you two," sighed Joyce as she watched her daughter's two best friends leave. After a moment she turned back to Giles with a look that reminded him of Willow's resolve face only far more formidable. "Now go upstairs and talk to Buffy."
Taking a deep breath, to calm himself and to gather his courage, Giles took the first step of the most difficult thing he had ever done.
***
The door to Buffy's room was slightly ajar. He stood outside trying to figure out exactly what he was going to say to her. What magical words could he come up with to make everything right? The sound of a sob from within the darkened room broke him out of his trance and propelled him to Buffy's side.
"D...don't... please don't cry...I am so sorry!" he said in a hoarse whisper. He sat on the side of the bed and tried to take her into his arms.
At the sound of his voice Buffy scrambled to a sitting position, moving away from her Watcher. Her eyes frantically searched his looking for the anger and loathing she was sure would be there. Finding only regret, sadness, and love there confused her.
"Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for? For saying what we both know is the truth? I'm the one who is sorry! Oh god Giles, all I've ever done is take and take and hurt and ...how can you even stand to look at me?" Fresh tears began to stream down her face.
"Oh my...oh Buffy! It wasn't the truth! Far from it!" No longer able to stand seeing Buffy in pain without comforting her, Giles dragged her into his arms despite her struggles. After several minutes, Buffy stopped resisting his embrace and threw her arms around his waist. Unable to resist the comfort and warmth she craved any longer, Buffy burrowed deeper into the Ex-watcher arms.
"Please Buffy, you have to believe me, I didn't mean a word that I said this afternoon." Stroking her hair, Giles held her tighter, it seemed to comfort her. "I was wallowing in self pity and self hatred and lashed out at you. I am so sorry!"
"But, because of me Jenny died, Angelus hurt you."
"No! You had no way of knowing what would happen. If Jenny had been honest with us we may have prevented what happened, but I think it was meant to be and nothing could have changed things. No one is to blame." With her face held gently between his hands Giles looked deeply into Buffy's eyes, willing her to see the truth in his words.
"Buffy, you must not give anything I said any credence. I said them because I wanted to hurt you. They were the ramblings of a bitter old fool. I was feeling castoff because you were spending more and more time away from me, with university and with the your commando friends."
"Giles! I wasn't casting you aside!" Pulling back from his embrace Buffy sat up straight and placed both her hands on his shoulders. With a slight quiver in her lip, which she promptly fought back she continued, "I wanted you to be safe. I needed you to be safe. I need you." Once again she dived into Giles' embrace holding him so tightly he grunted.
"Shhh, self-pity and scotch went a long way towards making me feel abandoned. I sulked and I lashed out instead of trying to really see what you were doing and why you were doing it. Your mum set me straight."
"Mom? My mom???"
"Yes, not quite as oblivious as we thought. And quite a formidable woman." Giles shifted position on the bed. He rested his back against the headboard, and drew Buffy to his side where she immediately settled against his side with his arm around her shoulder her head pillowed on his chest.
Buffy wrapped her arms around Giles, as if afraid he would disappear. Her tears slowed and her sobs dwindled to little hiccuppy breaths as his presence calmed her frayed emotions.
"What happened to us, Giles?"
"I think this has been building for a long time. Somewhere along the line we lost our ability to communicate with each other. Holding back from each other, for fear of what the other might think."
"Like when I ran away without telling anyone what happened with Angel and Acathla or when I didn't tell you about Angel being back."
"I think my stuffy British stiff upper lip was just as much at fault. I could have been more forthcoming after the Cruciamentum, could have tried to explain why I did what I did. We both were at fault on the communication issue Buffy. We were both so busy beating ourselves up over what we thought were our 'crimes' that things just..."
"Went KA-BOOM?"
"Exactly." With a soft smile Giles wiped the last traces of tears from her face with his handkerchief. "We forgot that we were a team, that we are in this together."
"I missed you Giles."
Giles placed a kiss on the top of her head and said, "I missed you too."
***
Joyce looked into Buffy's room and saw the two of them asleep, the day's events finally taking their toll. The picture they made with their arms wrapped around each other convinced her that they were on their way back from the dark place they had been lost. They were going to be alright. Joyce turned out the light and went down to call Willow and Xander.
END