Love Letter Lunacy
Obligatory Disclaimer: Nope; still belongs to Nintendo...
Author's Notes: Thank you so much! =)
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Roy had to admit: Zelda was a pretty girl. A very pretty girl. But she was like the Forbidden Fruit, in his eyes anyway. She was a Princess, for starters, and royalty was out of his class. She had Link as one of her protectors---and from the looks of it, Link currently possessed the mentality of a termite in a plastic room; Roy had no intentions of dealing with psychotics. On top of that and many other reasons, there was the matter that pressed him the most: Roy's best friend had some sort of crush on Zelda. A crush of which Zelda was unaware of.
When Zelda stopped by during the ball game and loomed over him like a hawk over a field mouse, the first thing Roy did was steal a glance toward Marth out the corner of his eye. Marth's blue eyes were as wide as saucers. His face was a vibrant scarlet. He looked like he was literally going to explode.
Roy peered at the passion in Zelda's eyes as her graceful hands fell upon his shoulders.
I'm a dead man, he thought to himself.
"Um, h-hi, Zelda. Wh-what brings you here?" Roy couldn't help but tremble and sweat with each passing second.
"Oh, Roy! I had no idea!" With that as her only warning, Princess Zelda slid her hands up from Roy's shoulders to the back of his neck, hugging him and practically leaping onto his lap at the same time. Immediately, Roy's body became as stiff as a board. He made absolutely sure *not* to touch her, either.
"Wha---?" The swordsman's words were cut off when Zelda squeezed him within her embrace.
"That was awfully sweet of you," the high princess nearly sang. "I can't believe you actually wrote something like that for me!"
Roy's left eyebrow slowly arched at that. Now he had somewhat of a clue as to why Zelda was behaving this way. Kirby had kept his promise and delivered the list of Donkey Kong's weaknesses to Zelda; Roy had written the list for her but he never realized she would act so…grateful toward him. He never thought she'd think so much of the list, either, considering it took him a good five minutes to write it. He shrugged one shoulder when the pressure off his torso was reduced. "It was nothing, Zelda," he said, nonchalantly, "I write stuff like that all the time."
"Really!?" Zelda squealed. Her smile couldn't get any brighter.
"Well, yeah. I'll write you another one if you---"
"ROY! You're absolutely loveable!" Zelda squeezed him yet again. She buried her head into his shoulder and cooed, oblivious to the shades of blue appearing on Roy's cheeks.
Meanwhile, Marth was plotting several ways of decapitating the redhead---or at least Roy thought so. The cold and hard stare the Prince of Altea regarded him with gave that away. Roy was certain that if Zelda were to leave, Marth would make Julian Fries out of his flesh. But if Zelda were to stay, she'd probably choke him. Or worse. Kiss him. He'd shudder if he could, given his current situation.
Roy didn't know what to do. Either get cut or suffocate.
Once again, he stole a glance toward Marth.
The prince was slowly running a rag down the length of Falchion's incredibly sharp blade, all the while staring at the pair.
Roy gulped and glanced down at the lovestruck Zelda who was still clinging to his form like a fly to a glob of honey.
Stabbing isn't as bad as asphyxia, right…? Then again, I heard of people dying from being humiliated in public, too… Oh God, help me…! I'm too young and handsome to die!
For the third time now, Roy looked to Marth and was rewarded with the same ice cold stare and the sight of a betrayed prince with homicidal tendencies cleaning off his sword.
Back to Zelda… She was still in Fan Girl Land™.
Not knowing what *else* to do, Roy did what he could only do.
He began to cry.
"Zeeeeeeeeeeeelda, I'm home!" The Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, known as simply Peach, made her obligatory songlike announcement as she entered the hotel room she shared with Zelda. Instead of the usual return greetings, Peach was met with nothing but deafening silence. That meant Zelda wasn't home.
As she stepped further into the room, she noticed Zelda's tennis bags were strewn on the bed along with her tennis outfit. Hm, she probably went out, Peach thought, although it seemed strange, since Zelda liked to stay indoors after her daily game of solo-tennis. She shrugged that off and began pinning up her layered golden locks, preparing to take a bubble bath. As she closed the room's blinds, she espied a folded letter on *her* bed.
At first, she assumed Zelda had misplaced the letter. However, Peach then recalled that Zelda was the last person on Earth capable of brain farting like that; she was also a bit of a privacy freak and would never leave something as personal as a letter lying around.
So, the bubbly Peach came to the conclusion that the letter was for herself!
Humming softly, she unfolded it and read it. And giggled when she was done.
"How cute," she murmured. "I wonder who wrote this for me?" Peach sat on her bed and began to think of who could have possibly written her such a thing. Mario would have been her first guess if she didn't know him so well: he always signed his letters and never wrote such poetic things anyway (he was so macho sometimes!). Bowser wasn't capable of poetry, either. She knew of Marth's secret crush on Zelda so it couldn't be him. Roy was a typical pubescent boy and probably didn't know what half of the words in the letter meant. The latter applied to Link as well. Luigi---
She gasped. "Luigi!!"
In Peach's world, there really was no other explanation. Luigi *had* to have been the one that wrote the letter for her! Sure, he had found solace in the arms of Sarasaland's Princess Daisy, but Peach never forgot the sweet and coy looks Luigi had thrown her way when she first met the Mario Brothers. And, of course, it was plainly obvious that he liked someone of her caliber. Why else would he go for Daisy, who looked *exactly* like Peach herself?
Okay, this is not cute anymore. I'm with Mario! Luigi can't do this…!
And so, Peach marched right on out of her room, letter in hand. The bubble bath would have to wait.
Just as Luigi Mario was about to bite down on his pastrami and provolone sandwich, Princess Peach marched right on up to his favored table within the Smash Cafeteria (which he currently shared with his belle Daisy), one of the few eating establishments for participants in the Super Smash Brothers Tournament. She looked positively…well… She looked very much unlike her usual happy-go-lucky self. In her hands she held a sheet of folded paper that was unfamiliar to both Luigi and Daisy.
Peach's left hand came onto her hip while the right waved the paper around as she spoke in the most assertive way she could muster. "Luigi, I'm your friend and all, but I cannot do this!"
"What are you talking about, Peach?"
"Don't play dumb with me you… you… BAD MAN!"
Luigi blinked at her and so did Daisy.
"Okay, so it was the only thing I could come up with…"
"I still don't know what you're talking about, Peach."
Peach's face colored. "You know full and well what I'm talking about!" she gestured to the paper in hand. "This!"
The Princess of Sarasaland set down her parfait and reached for the letter held by Peach. "Lemmie see that," she uttered. Quickly, she unfolded the paper and read the words written on it as Peach looked on expectedly while Luigi, clueless as ever, wondered what the Hell was going on.
"As my Uncle Steven would say, W-T-F." Anger rushed to Daisy's face as fast as it took her to grasp an unsuspecting Luigi helplessly by the suspenders of his trademarked blue overalls. "Luigi Mario, you had better explain yourself right this instant!"
"Mama Mia!"
"DiGiornio Pizza to you too," Daisy snarled. "What are you doing writing Peach love letters when you're supposed to be *my* boyfriend!?"
"But I didn'---"
"The evidence is all there, plumber man!" Peach protested.
"What evidence!?" Poor Luigi seriously had no clue as to what the two princesses were talking about.
"Now he's acting dumb… Well, we're just going to make him talk." Daisy set the letter down on the table.
She began to crack her knuckles and stalk closer to Luigi, who stood helpless and frozen with fear. He noticed Peach behind her, adjusting her infamous 'Slap Gloves'. He gulped like Kermit the Frog. He knew that whatever he could think of doing made no difference now. He was in for it. Reeeeeeeeally in for it.
After gathering his selected food items onto his tray, Mario stepped out of the cafeteria line and headed toward his brother Luigi's favorite table. Along the way, he spotted a very flustered looking pair consisting of Daisy and Peach sauntering out of the cafeteria. They spared him no glances.
"Serves that plumber right," Peach said with a scoff.
"That'll teach him to cheat on *me*," Daisy said.
Mario tipped an eyebrow. They could only be talking about his little brother Luigi… He raced over to where he was to meet his brother, only to find him in a very strewn and very uncomfortable looking position on what used to be the table. It was broken into several pieces now; Luigi's body was probably used to disassemble it. He lay there, groaning in immense pain, muttering senseless things every now and then.
Mario didn't know what to conclude out of this except that whatever Luigi did to Daisy and Peach had brought this turmoil upon himself. "Yo, Luigi! You okay?"
"…I can eat them everyday! And my mom says that's okay!"
"…Nevermind."
The elder of the Mario Brothers glanced around the broken furniture. As he set his tray down to help his brother up, he noticed a sheet of paper on the floor and after asking Luigi whose was it (only to get "GOLDFISH!" as an answer), he skimmed through it. Whoo; what a crappy love letter, he thought. "Luigi, does this have to do anything with Daisy thinking you're cheating on her?"
Luigi nodded.
Mario put two and two together, using what little bits of information he had: Daisy was upset with her boyfriend Luigi for writing this amorous letter to another female. However, Luigi didn't write the letter. Mario was certain because it was not written in his little brother's chicken-scratch---er, handwriting. So who could have written the letter…? He didn't know.
But he was determined to get to the bottom of it.
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A/N: We're getting there. ^^;
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