Love Letter Lunacy

Obligatory Disclaimer: Ho, ho, ho! Green Giant! …Wrong one. Nintendo owns everything, except the song Fox sings.
A/N: This chapter is extra long as an expression of my gratitude. ^_^ I hope you enjoy this!

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He glanced over to his little brother Luigi. He was seated on his bed in his side of the hotel room they shared, nursing the injury to his head. Mario decided it wasn't a good time to interrogate him about the possible origins of the mysterious love letter.

With an iron-willed goal set, Mario set off to browse through the Super Smash Resort.  As the designated 'Hero' of all of Nintendo, he felt it was his duty. He had to get to the bottom of this. Otherwise…

Next door to the Mario Brothers' room was the room occupied by the pilots Fox McCloud and Falco Lombardi. They'd know something, Mario concluded. And so he went.

Falco opened the room's door, the hubristic look he always wore evident. He gave Mario an analytical gaze. "Unless you have Caramel Delites™ Girl Scout Cookies, we're not buying anything."

Mario sneered at him. "I'm not selling---"

"What about Thin Mints™?"

"Falco, I'm not selling any Girl Scout Cookies!"

A scoff. "Well, we only buy Mary Kay cosmetics here, so you can take your Avon products and shove them up your---"

"FALCO! I AM NOT SELLING ANYTHING!"

Falco blinked. "Oh, in that case," he said lowly. Mario thought he was going to acquiesce and allow him to enter at long last. Falco, however, wasn't done; he loved to make things difficult. "We're not interested in the faiths of a Jehovah's Witness either," Falco concluded with a serious face, although he wanted to cackle oh-so-badly.

"Dang nabbit Falco, just let me in!"

Falco chuckled a dark chuckle, inwardly, and allowed the perturbed Mario to enter the abode he shared with Fox. Mario grumbled some Italian curses underneath his breath---plenty of which the author knows but is not willing to share considering the rating of this fic.

"Alright. What do you want, plumber?"

Mario was going to respond but a sudden sound of a shower and a blasting radio interrupted him. Following them came the booming voice of Fox's singing from the bathroom.

"I've been a fool before. Wouldn't LIKE to get my love caught in the slammin' DOOR! How 'bout some information… Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" There was a brief interlude of music, and then, "Straight up, now tell me: do you really wanna love me forever? OH OH OH! Or am I caught in a hit and run…!"

Outside of Fox's bathroom and in the main area of the hotel room, Mario was positively speechless while Falco looked like he wanted to die of embarrassment solely for knowing the singing fox.

After about five minutes of uncomfortable silence (save for the singing), Mario remembered why he had dropped by. He turned to Falco. "Uh, do you or Paula Abdul in there know anything about a secret love letter?"

"Hah!" Falco squawked. "You mean the one Zelda 'wrote' for Fox?" He used his talons to simulate quotations.

"Zelda wrote one for Fox…?" Mario couldn't believe it.

"Yeah, and Pichu is going to be the Point Guard for the New Jersey Nets next season," Falco uttered with a roll of his eyes.

Mario chuckled and shook his head. Falco was one caustic bird. "Sarcasm aside, did she really write him one?"

"I doubt it. I think someone else wrote it but Fox keeps pointing to all sorts of ridiculous pieces of evidence relating to Zelda."

"Really now?"

"Mmhm. Said something about grapes in it… Personally, I think Zelda's more poetic than that."

"Grapes! Yeah!" Mario exclaimed. Finally, he was getting somewhere! "That letter mentioned grapes!"

Falco had no idea what was going on. He didn't care, either. He shrugged his shoulders and added, "On top of that, Link is acting bonkers."

"He is?"

"Yeah. It's like he's trippin' on some serious acid." Falco shook his head with a sigh. "I should have never taken him to that rave…"

Quickly, Mario scribbled some notes on a steno book he toted. "Thanks, Falco! Ciao!"

With that, Mario dashed out of the hotel room, just as Fox was stepping out of the steamy bathroom. A white towel was wrapped about his waist. "Who was that at the door?" he asked Falco.

Before responding, Falco realized he could still have some fun, in his own acerbic way of course; he loved psyching people up and watching them turn red with anger once he put them down. "Oh, it was just a girl…"

To this, Fox became intrigued. "A girl?" he paused. "Was it Zelda…?"

"Hmm," in mock pensiveness, Falco cupped his chin. "Does Zelda have golden blonde hair with slight curls and wears an elaborate pink dress and jewelry?"

"Yes! Yes!" Fox clapped his hands together eagerly, smiling brighter than the sun itself. She was finally coming to her senses! She remembered writing him that letter…!

Falco's shoulders rolled backward with his shrug. "Wasn't her…"

"I HATE YOU, FALCO!!!"

Falco laughed and walked away, swerving his head to the side to avoid a thrown lamp.

Mario's next stop was the female barracks. As per HAL regulations, he wasn't allowed to enter without security's approval, which could have put a burden on his investigation. Luckily, he didn't have to go through that hassle. The one he had been looking for was traipsing right out of the front door, merrily whistling and skipping to her loo.

"Hey Zelda!" Mario ran up to her.

She paused in her tracks and regarded Mario with a smile. She was definitely in a good mood. And the look on her face… Mario feared the worst. "Buon giorno, Mario!"

"Um, yeah. You got a minute?"

"Hm. I don't know…"

"It'll be quick!"

"Oh, good! I have to hurry to the boys' barracks and deliver these to Roy before security gives me trouble," Zelda said as she held up a two-pound bag of gummy bears. Strictly red gummy bears.

Roy's favorite, Mario thought, but Zelda barely acknowledged Roy before! "Why're you delivering those to Roy, anyway?"

In response, Zelda giggled an uncharacteristically high-pitched giggle into her gloved palm. Mario didn't know Zelda very well but he knew she was never one to behave in such a giddy way. Peach? Definitely. Daisy? Sometimes. But Zelda…?

"Are you two…?" Mario tapped the tips of his index fingers together, demonstratively.

Zelda giggled again. A bright red blush appeared over the fair skin of her cheeks. "One can only hope! But we're getting there!"

Mario couldn't believe it. He simply could not believe it… "WHY---er, I mean… What brought about this sudden change of…?" he faltered in fear of how Princess Zelda might react.

Instead of reacting vehemently as, say, Daisy would have, Zelda shook her head with a smile. "Roy wrote me a love letter! Isn't that wild?"

No kidding, Mario muttered in his mind. Then he did a double take. "He wrote you a love letter!?"

Zelda nodded. Her smile faded somewhat, sadly. "But alas, I cannot find it…"

That's because it's in my back pocket… The Italian plumber patted Zelda reassuringly on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Princess. I'll handle this…"

Although Zelda had no idea as to what Mario referred to, he sounded so reassuring she didn't care. She smiled to him again. "Thank you."

"Mind if I accompany you to see Roy? I can help you get in the hotel."

"Certainly!"

Much to the surprise of Mario and Zelda, there was a loud commotion within the room shared by the three swordsmen of the Smash Brothers Tournament---a commotion that could be heard just outside of it, in the hallway. Judging from the various voices heard within, there had to be more than three people in there.

Mario's beliefs were confirmed when Ness opened the door. What was he doing there?

"Hey Mario! You're just in time!" Ness said with a bright smile. "Marth is kicking Roy's ass!"

"WHAT!?!?!" Zelda screeched and burst into the room, surprising all that were inside, save for the three swordsmen that dwelled there. Link was nowhere to be found. In the center of the room, Marth held Roy in the Walls of Jericho; the latter tapped his hands profusely on the carpet, wanting nothing more than to be released from that agonizing submission move. The others cheered the two on. Although the guys were known for playing around like this, Marth was dubbed the 'Merciful Master' by his comrades for his tendency to take it easy. But from the looks of things, he didn't seem keen on letting Roy go. It looked too real.

"Cool, huh?" Popo's hooded head appeared from behind Ness. "We're taking bets. I've got five bucks that says Marth's going to snap Roy's legs off like a crab at a buffet table!"

"Unhand him, you knave!" An angry Zelda lunged toward Roy and Marth. Effortlessly, she backhanded an unexpecting Marth away, sending him flying to the other side of the room and damn near into the wall. As if she didn't do such an amazing feat, Zelda knelt beside Roy and gently cradled him. "Roy! Roy! Speak to me…!"

Roy groaned. When he opened his eyes, he saw Zelda. He wanted to cry again. But if he were to cry, Zelda would become suspicious, and perhaps even angrier, and probably hurt Marth. Again.

"Oh, Roy, are you alright?" Zelda asked him. Her words of concern were as sweet as sugar.

"I'm fine… Marth and I…" Roy peered behind Zelda at Marth. As the Prince was getting up with Kirby and Pikachu's help, he overheard what was being said by Roy and Zelda. He shot Roy a look and ran his thumb horizontally across his neck. Roy gulped. "We were playing," he finished.

Zelda's eyes widened. "Playing!?"

Sure as heck didn't look like playing to me, everyone else thought.

"WWF." Roy nodded with a wince. Not because his legs were sore. But because of the turmoil in store for him, and everyone else, if he were to tell Zelda that Marth had attacked him the minute she left the two fencers alone earlier, out of spite.

"Such violence…"

"But I'm okay though!"

A relieved smile appeared on Zelda's face. She got to her feet. "Can you get up?"

"Actually, I can't feel my legs."

Roy felt Marth figuratively stabbing him with the daggers of his eyes. He winced but played it off to Zelda by chuckling nervously and scrambling to his feet quickly. "Hah! But who cares about that, right?" God help me, this hurts so much…

Things in the room went back to their usual semi-normal ways. Most of those that gathered for the bout between Marth and Roy had departed. Zelda remained with Roy and thus, so did Marth. Mario wanted nothing more than to leap out of the nearest window, but he had an investigation to finish…

Hm. Something tells me Roy didn't write that letter; he looks positively spooked around Marth and Zelda… Mario cleared his throat. "Hey Marth, can I speak with you?"

Marth's eyes never left the scene of Zelda feeding an unwilling-but-trying-to-seem-nice Roy red Gummy Bears. "Sure thing, Mario."

"…In private?"

Marth sighed. "Fine." Even as he led Mario to the bathroom for the chat, he kept his eyes glued on Zelda and Roy. Zelda was oblivious but Roy looked back to Marth in fear and helplessness. Mario didn't let that go unnoticed. Something was amiss…

In the bathroom, Marth remained by the door. He left it open slightly and peered through the crack every now and then to make sure Roy and Zelda weren't doing anything. "What is it?"

Mario gave Marth a blank look. "Your jealousy is written allover your face, Marth."

"Shut up! And hurry up with what you've got to say!"

"What's with the rush?"

Marth spoke as he peeked through the crack. "I don't trust him…"

"Roy?"

"No, Santa Claus!" Marth growled. "Yes, Roy!"

Gee, *someone* forgot their Midol… Mario rolled his eyes. "I don't get it though. I thought you were the one who liked Zelda," he said. "Secretly, anyway."

"Apparently, that isn't the case. Seems Roy's writing Zelda love letters behind my back. I thought he was supposed to be my friend!"

"But I figured you'd be the one who wrote it…"

"I don't have the guts to do such a thing…"

"Wait, so Roy *did* write the letter?"

"Seems so. And now Zelda's so in love with him because of it! Life is too cruel!" Marth practically wailed and banged his head against the door with an intensity Mario deemed dangerous. The plumber didn't stop him, though. Marth might snap on him like he did with Roy…

While Marth continued bashing his head, Mario stole a quick glance to the letter he held in his pocket. He didn't know whose handwriting it was. What he did know was he didn't write it and neither did his brother Luigi.

He suddenly got an idea. He folded the letter in fourths so that only the second quarter of it, the one with the most nonsense and less romantic wording, was revealed. "Hey Marth, stop acting like you're at a Guns N' Roses concert and take a look at this."

Marth pried his reddened forehead off the door and turned to look at the paper Mario held up. He read the words with a tipped brow. "What the heck are those? Lyrics to a Spice Girls song?"

"Um… Yeah?" Mario quickly changed the subject. "Is that Roy's handwriting?"

"No. But those words are horrible," Marth said with a bit of a scoff.

So it's *not* Roy that wrote it, Mario thought as Marth kept critiquing. This just gets worse and worse…

"Horrible. Horrible, I say! Like something…" When Marth reached a realization, his eyes went big. "Like something Roy would write!!!!"

Mario panicked. "Mama Mia!"

"Mama Celeste to you too!" Marth growled and lunged forward, trying to get the paper. Mario was too nimble for him to catch in the compact bathroom; he quickly dodged the swordsman and maneuvered his way behind him, near the door. "Give me that, Mario!"

"Uh…" Mario had only one escape. He looked through the crack in the door. "-Gasp!- Roy and Zelda are kissing!"

"I'LL KILL HIM!"

Success. Mario took that chance to make a fast getaway.

Mario escaped through the various hallways and staircases of the males' hotel, assuring himself every other minute or so that Marth was not chasing him. He was not about to take that chance, though…

Just as he passed a bunch of doors that looked alike (in a hotel no less, what a shock!), something caused him to skid to a stop.

"Psst!"

Mario cautiously peered over his shoulder in the direction of the sound.

It was Link.

His head was sticking out from a door that was left slightly ajar. "Hey, Mario," he whispered harshly. He waved the plumber over. "C'mere."

"Link? What's up?" Mario whispered.

"Ssh! Just come inside!" Link whispered. He allowed Mario to enter the confines of the small room.

"What's this?" Mario whispered as he stepped in and noticed that the entire room was dark. The smell of burning incense reached his big nose, though.

"It's my headquarters," Link whispered.

"Headquarters for what?" Mario whispered.

"Operations," Link whispered his reply.

"Oh… Why are we whispering?" Mario whispered.

Link lit a candle. The soft light provided by it revealed Link's blinking eyes to Mario. "Hm. I don't know, kimosabe," he said in the volume he usually spoke with.

Mario glanced around the 'headquarters'. In actuality, it was a janitor closet with a few adjustments. First, there were the candles and incense. Then there was the small rug in the center of it all. Lastly, there was a plethora of posters of Falco Lombardi on the four walls. Through the forehead of each of the Falco's was a dart.

Link lit another candle as he sat on the small rug. "Your callsign is Deep Throat," he told Mario. "I know it's not the most original of codenames, and it sounds rather perverted, but I thought you might like that one."

"What the---"

"Fine. You'll be called Otacon. But I'm not changing it!"

"I don't care about that Link---"

"Solid Snake."

"What…?"

"Solid Snake is my codename. You shall refer to me as such as we get this operation underway!" Link hissed.

"Fine then, Solid Snake," Mario grumbled. Link smiled with triumph. "What's this operation? And what's with the darts in the pics?"

"We're going to protect our lives and our liberties from Falco Lombardi!"

Okay, I know Falco can be a bit of an ass sometimes, and likes to get the better out of all of us, but this is just plain retarded! "Why…? I mean, what did he do…?"

"He claims he is hot for my body!"

Wait a minute! That's from the letter…! But Falco didn't… What the Hell!?  Mario shook his head. He decided that he'd have an easier time doing his own dental work.

"He must be destroyed!"

Falco was right. This guy *is* bonkers… "Okay," Mario began, easily, "so Falco…plays for the other team. So what? It's not like he's out to steal your soul."

"He steals souls too!?" Immediately, Link shot up to a stand and withdrew the Master Sword from its scabbard on his back. "I'll crucify him!!"

Mario slapped his forehead. "Me and my big mouth…"

Outside, the sun was starting to set, announcing evening's arrival. Everything was so quiet, save for a few honking geese. Mario walked through the perimeter of the Super Smash Resort, his gaze fixated on the ground beneath him.

He had finished studying his notes. He looked at the evidence and the bits of information provided to him by everyone he knew. Yet, he was still confused.

Fox gets a letter and thinks it's from Zelda, but Zelda has no idea as to what he's talking about… Zelda gets a letter, supposedly from Roy, but the letter wasn't written by Roy… Peach gets a letter and thinks it's from Luigi, who has no idea what's going on… And Link was a recipient of a letter too, but from Falco…? This doesn't make any damn sense!

"Hey, if it isn't Mr. Nintendo!" Ralph, the rotund security guard at the gates to the Resort called out to Mario and waved to him. "What's cookin'?"

My reputation as a mascot if I don't find out what's going on… "Nothing." Another idea struck Mario. "Say, you have a 1MC, right? Or like an announcement microphone?"

Ralph nodded. "Sure thing. You need to use it?"

Mario nodded. There was a glint of determination in his eyes. "Yep. Assemble all the Smashers in the Main Lobby."

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A/N: Next chapter is the final one!  ^^  *tiny fanfare* I'll try to post it up tomorrow or Friday (Thursday if you live in the United States), but that's not 100% guaranteed. Please review!
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