--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHAPTER EIGHT -- Something to Hold on To
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He was finally well and truly drunk. It had taken longer than I expected. Perhaps…had he been stronger it may have taken many more cupfuls of the potent alcohol. He gazed up at me with his large eyes, they were the brightest blue I'd ever seen. "I feel strange…" he admitted, I knew he couldn't feel the pain he had felt earlier, but that he was definitely feeling the effects of the liquor. "Like… my head is filled with cotton…its nice…kind of…I can't really think…"
One more blanket…I wished I had that, but I didn't. He was still feverish and chilled, though not quite in so much pain. "It's the mixture Frodo…its meant to make you feel better and think less."
He had at least stopped crying. That had really been getting to me. I had wanted to shake him or something, he needed to accept his situation and not languish in self-pity, it was the only way he was going to get through it. He needed to be strong, and find something to hold on to. If he didn't…he'd never survive longer than a day. I returned his gaze as it had become more intense...fixed…like it was focused on only one or two things instead of a jumble of emotions that he couldn't get a hold of because he did not want to deal with them. He licked his dry , bleeding lips.
Karkosh brought me some broken up lembas to feed the hobbit. It was his suggestion really, the orc was somewhat good for something. Frodo grimaced when lembas was mentioned, but it was either that or things I was quite sure that he would not keep down. I noticed his reaction and thought for a moment, my hand reached out to stroke his forehead gently. I thought for a bit and wondered…I had a package of barley candy…and perhaps that might settle him enough to eat the lembas.
I could tell that he was thinking about something that was giving him a great deal of emotional pain. Though he was not crying, his eyes were a dead giveaway. I hoped it wasn't about what he had been through since his capture. I dug into my pouch and came up with a little bit of paper that was wrapped around five pieces of hard barley. It was something of an addiction…I supposed. .
Shagrat gave them to me every now and again as...well...rewards is really the only way I could think of putting it. He knew I would do just about anything for them. The candy was made of barley bits laced and held together with sugar, honey and whiskey. They could be quite addictive, but only if you ate them as often as I did...and only if you usually never had anything with sugar in them. Orcs did not cook with sugar, they used a kind of...glucous...that made most things congeal.
"Here Frodo." I picked up a piece of the candy and offered it to him. He stared at it suspiciously.
"What is it?" he fumbled a bit on the words, I could tell he was having a little trouble focusing. He looked up at me, his eyes were bright…and his cheeks raw from tears. An ugly bruise was forming on his right jaw and about an inch into his lip, he was beginning to have a little difficulty speaking.
"Its not lembas." I reassured him. "Here…eat it…don't chew on it though…just let it dissolve on your tongue."
He struggled to open his mouth and I had to help him take it in the end. He shifted on my lap, snuggling his head into my hand. I stroked it gently as he let the candy dissolve down his throat. "Its good…" he was surprised. Then he looked up at me, I was fairly sure he wanted to talk about something.
"What is it?" I asked finally, I wasn't much of a listener, being too preoccupied with my own problems. I grunted a bit, not looking forward to hearing about what had happened to him.
"I was just thinking…" he tried hard to keep his eyes open, he did not want to fall asleep again, that much I was pretty sure of. "About Gandalf."
"Gandalf?" I had heard the name in passing, but not really associated it with anyone before. A wizard, I thought. "Who is he?"
"He's…my…" he paused, and sighed. "*was* my…friend." Frodo took another piece of candy and then he began to speak, and it surprised me that it wasn't about his own suffering…but about his friend. "He's taken care of me…ever since I can remember. He's always been about the Shire, always taking care of -us-.Me and Bilbo…He was Bilbo's friend really, they went on adventures together. He helped Uncle get out and see the world. Though sometimes I wish he hadn't…maybe then…maybe then I wouldn't have…wouldn't be here…" he took a deep breath and continued. The alcohol was loosening his tongue, and I knew that he was feeling the pain less and less as time wore on.
"He's dead." he gulped back a sob and I frowned, wondering if he was going to start crying again. He didn't, he merely looked away and continued to speak, "It was while we were passing through Moria. Pippin…Pip thinks it was his fault, but I know that they already knew we were there. The balrog was drawn to…" he paused, not explaining, "The Balrog was drawn to us, not to the sound that was made in the well. He spent my whole life protecting me…and he died…protecting me."
"A Balrog." I'd heard of them, and continued to stroke the small hobbit's curls, I used a bit of the cold water again to start to clean off the sweat that was building again.
"He…he stood on the Bridge of Kahzad-Dum. He just stood there…and he faced it…for us…for me." he looked up at me with wide blue eyes. "I never…never did anything for him. He always did everything for me. Meri…I have to get out of here…I have to live…for him…he died so that I could go on." Suddenly a determined look began to build in his expression. "I am going to survive…I have to…"
I smiled…he'd found something to hold on to.
"Meri?" he took a deep breath. "That's it isn't it…that's how I can get through this…" he clasped his little hand in mine. "I have to think about what I need to do….not what I don't want to happen…"
"Yes Frodo." I stroked his fingers. "You'll be alright now."
* * *
CHAPTER EIGHT -- Something to Hold on To
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He was finally well and truly drunk. It had taken longer than I expected. Perhaps…had he been stronger it may have taken many more cupfuls of the potent alcohol. He gazed up at me with his large eyes, they were the brightest blue I'd ever seen. "I feel strange…" he admitted, I knew he couldn't feel the pain he had felt earlier, but that he was definitely feeling the effects of the liquor. "Like… my head is filled with cotton…its nice…kind of…I can't really think…"
One more blanket…I wished I had that, but I didn't. He was still feverish and chilled, though not quite in so much pain. "It's the mixture Frodo…its meant to make you feel better and think less."
He had at least stopped crying. That had really been getting to me. I had wanted to shake him or something, he needed to accept his situation and not languish in self-pity, it was the only way he was going to get through it. He needed to be strong, and find something to hold on to. If he didn't…he'd never survive longer than a day. I returned his gaze as it had become more intense...fixed…like it was focused on only one or two things instead of a jumble of emotions that he couldn't get a hold of because he did not want to deal with them. He licked his dry , bleeding lips.
Karkosh brought me some broken up lembas to feed the hobbit. It was his suggestion really, the orc was somewhat good for something. Frodo grimaced when lembas was mentioned, but it was either that or things I was quite sure that he would not keep down. I noticed his reaction and thought for a moment, my hand reached out to stroke his forehead gently. I thought for a bit and wondered…I had a package of barley candy…and perhaps that might settle him enough to eat the lembas.
I could tell that he was thinking about something that was giving him a great deal of emotional pain. Though he was not crying, his eyes were a dead giveaway. I hoped it wasn't about what he had been through since his capture. I dug into my pouch and came up with a little bit of paper that was wrapped around five pieces of hard barley. It was something of an addiction…I supposed. .
Shagrat gave them to me every now and again as...well...rewards is really the only way I could think of putting it. He knew I would do just about anything for them. The candy was made of barley bits laced and held together with sugar, honey and whiskey. They could be quite addictive, but only if you ate them as often as I did...and only if you usually never had anything with sugar in them. Orcs did not cook with sugar, they used a kind of...glucous...that made most things congeal.
"Here Frodo." I picked up a piece of the candy and offered it to him. He stared at it suspiciously.
"What is it?" he fumbled a bit on the words, I could tell he was having a little trouble focusing. He looked up at me, his eyes were bright…and his cheeks raw from tears. An ugly bruise was forming on his right jaw and about an inch into his lip, he was beginning to have a little difficulty speaking.
"Its not lembas." I reassured him. "Here…eat it…don't chew on it though…just let it dissolve on your tongue."
He struggled to open his mouth and I had to help him take it in the end. He shifted on my lap, snuggling his head into my hand. I stroked it gently as he let the candy dissolve down his throat. "Its good…" he was surprised. Then he looked up at me, I was fairly sure he wanted to talk about something.
"What is it?" I asked finally, I wasn't much of a listener, being too preoccupied with my own problems. I grunted a bit, not looking forward to hearing about what had happened to him.
"I was just thinking…" he tried hard to keep his eyes open, he did not want to fall asleep again, that much I was pretty sure of. "About Gandalf."
"Gandalf?" I had heard the name in passing, but not really associated it with anyone before. A wizard, I thought. "Who is he?"
"He's…my…" he paused, and sighed. "*was* my…friend." Frodo took another piece of candy and then he began to speak, and it surprised me that it wasn't about his own suffering…but about his friend. "He's taken care of me…ever since I can remember. He's always been about the Shire, always taking care of -us-.Me and Bilbo…He was Bilbo's friend really, they went on adventures together. He helped Uncle get out and see the world. Though sometimes I wish he hadn't…maybe then…maybe then I wouldn't have…wouldn't be here…" he took a deep breath and continued. The alcohol was loosening his tongue, and I knew that he was feeling the pain less and less as time wore on.
"He's dead." he gulped back a sob and I frowned, wondering if he was going to start crying again. He didn't, he merely looked away and continued to speak, "It was while we were passing through Moria. Pippin…Pip thinks it was his fault, but I know that they already knew we were there. The balrog was drawn to…" he paused, not explaining, "The Balrog was drawn to us, not to the sound that was made in the well. He spent my whole life protecting me…and he died…protecting me."
"A Balrog." I'd heard of them, and continued to stroke the small hobbit's curls, I used a bit of the cold water again to start to clean off the sweat that was building again.
"He…he stood on the Bridge of Kahzad-Dum. He just stood there…and he faced it…for us…for me." he looked up at me with wide blue eyes. "I never…never did anything for him. He always did everything for me. Meri…I have to get out of here…I have to live…for him…he died so that I could go on." Suddenly a determined look began to build in his expression. "I am going to survive…I have to…"
I smiled…he'd found something to hold on to.
"Meri?" he took a deep breath. "That's it isn't it…that's how I can get through this…" he clasped his little hand in mine. "I have to think about what I need to do….not what I don't want to happen…"
"Yes Frodo." I stroked his fingers. "You'll be alright now."
* * *