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CHAPTER 10 : Living Through it
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I wasn't really in a good position here, he needed…well…he needed a lot of medical attention that I wasn't capable of giving. I had very meager supplies, and they weren't interested in him being healthy, just in him being able to survive. After he drank the water…he was ready to be given more of the mixture. I had been worried about putting too much of it in him at first. He refused the lembas…but at least ate the barley candy. If he didn't accept the lembas soon, I would have to force it into him. I didn't relish that because it might mean he would simply pass it up again.
He lay still in my arms for a while, not sleeping though his eyes were closed. I knew he wasn't sleeping. He was enjoying the feel of the liquor as he inhaled the fumes. It clouded his mind and made things he did not want to deal with go away. He had pressed himself rather close to me, and I was not really sure that I was comfortable with it. I surmised that it was for my warmth. Karkosh had left us alone for the most part, not looking entirely happy at his post, rather bored in fact. Maybe I could send him on a mission.
"Merilas…if I get out of here…will you come with me?" he asked me suddenly in a very small voice.
I started, leave…I closed my eyes, then opened them again. "No." I shook my head. "I have no place anymore outside of Mordor." It was not a statement meant to cause him to pity me or a statement that held any regret, sorrow or malice in it. It was simply a fact. After 20 years…I was tainted. There was a stain on me that no amount of healing could remove. Not that I knew about anyway.
"But…" he looked up at me. He had lost his previous flash of anger, though he was still perturbed by everything that was happening to him. He had managed to gather his courage. "But…y-you're an elf. Surely you can go home to your people?"
I laughed, it was a hollow sound, "My people." I looked down at Frodo, "Do I look like an elf to you anymore, Frodo? Even in this darkness...I know that you can see the difference in me. I've spent so long...in this position that I've come to accept that there's nothing else for me. My youth...is gone. Perhaps once I might have been able to have a life with my people, to live in Mirkwood and run free. But that is no longer the case. Even if I were to go back...even if I were to be freed, I would still be lost. I have...things. My body is not built for life here, Frodo. It...is no longer strong. There were times that I was very ill from the aftereffects...of certain things...and I have never gotten over that. They say elves never get sick, but now I know what a lie that is. Sure Elves don't get sick...the ones who are kept safe in their lands and away from the evil of mortals. My face is no longer anything they would recognize...I fear it would only cause them pain if I returned. There are some things that I need now that I can't get anywhere but here."
I stroked his hair with still-nimble fingers, despite everything. "You know my father once thought to marry me to a Prince. I was that pretty once…" I shook my head, "But can you see me anywhere but here? I have lived only a smattering of years in this position…and despite all the ages I know that I will see…these are the years I will always remember and never be able to forget. These are the years that took my soul and refused to give it back. I cannot love because I cannot love myself. Not after everything that has happened. I am caught in the coils of Mordor, and the snake will never set me free, Frodo. I've been here too long. You…you however…you have a chance. You can get out…Don't come back for me…if you do leave. I will not go with you. I cannot go with you. My place is here. My life…here. I'm no longer an Elf, Frodo. There are things that it means to be an elf, and I am none of them.."
"I…" he tried to find an answer for that, but obviously he was still trying to process what I had told him. "I won't forget you." he promised softly. I don't know why he would say that. I wasn't his friend…I wasn't even really helping him. I didn't want to like him, and I didn't want to think about what they were going to do to him in a couple of hours. He was making me care, there was no doubt about it, and I strove to regain control over my heart. I had handled so much pain before because it didn't matter to me because I kept it away from my heart away from myself.
He had found his way somewhere that I had thought was lost. If they killed him…I didn't know what I would think or do. For the first time since I came to the Tower I didn't want someone else to be in pain. I wanted him to be free, to be gone from this place, to be somewhere where people could care for him properly. To be in a warm bed with loving friends. He was not a creature for this place. He was too good for Mordor. If I could find a way to help him, I would have to. Perhaps I could talk to Shagrat….
There was something about him, this small hobbit. He had so much weight on his shoulders. I suppose I could try…They weren't going to get any information out of him more than they already had. I don't think that they would listen to me…I might be able to convince my Master that the hobbit might be more useful as a slave…then broken. If he was made a slave…there would be a chance…a chance I could help him escape. As a prisoner…there was no chance. If he was a slave, I could care for him properly, there would be more at my disposal to give him.
Then I looked down at him. He could never endure the life of a slave. I sighed, there really wasn't much I could do to help him. If I talked them into making him a slave…he would eventually die from it…I was sure. If I let them torture him…he would eventually die from it…I was sure. He might endure as long as he possibly could, but he did not have the strength that I did. I did not want to see him broken. There had to be a way to get him out of here. I would find it. I would help him. I made my decision. Even if they did kill me for it.
"Merilas." he whispered softly, snuggling against me for warmth. I sighed and wrapped my arms around him. He really was irresistible. He sighed…not content…but he did like the contact….it showed as he gave me a tiny smile.
"Yes, Frodo?"
"You're an elf to me."
* * *
Brief note : This chapter dedicated to Frodo Baggins of Bag End .
CHAPTER 10 : Living Through it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wasn't really in a good position here, he needed…well…he needed a lot of medical attention that I wasn't capable of giving. I had very meager supplies, and they weren't interested in him being healthy, just in him being able to survive. After he drank the water…he was ready to be given more of the mixture. I had been worried about putting too much of it in him at first. He refused the lembas…but at least ate the barley candy. If he didn't accept the lembas soon, I would have to force it into him. I didn't relish that because it might mean he would simply pass it up again.
He lay still in my arms for a while, not sleeping though his eyes were closed. I knew he wasn't sleeping. He was enjoying the feel of the liquor as he inhaled the fumes. It clouded his mind and made things he did not want to deal with go away. He had pressed himself rather close to me, and I was not really sure that I was comfortable with it. I surmised that it was for my warmth. Karkosh had left us alone for the most part, not looking entirely happy at his post, rather bored in fact. Maybe I could send him on a mission.
"Merilas…if I get out of here…will you come with me?" he asked me suddenly in a very small voice.
I started, leave…I closed my eyes, then opened them again. "No." I shook my head. "I have no place anymore outside of Mordor." It was not a statement meant to cause him to pity me or a statement that held any regret, sorrow or malice in it. It was simply a fact. After 20 years…I was tainted. There was a stain on me that no amount of healing could remove. Not that I knew about anyway.
"But…" he looked up at me. He had lost his previous flash of anger, though he was still perturbed by everything that was happening to him. He had managed to gather his courage. "But…y-you're an elf. Surely you can go home to your people?"
I laughed, it was a hollow sound, "My people." I looked down at Frodo, "Do I look like an elf to you anymore, Frodo? Even in this darkness...I know that you can see the difference in me. I've spent so long...in this position that I've come to accept that there's nothing else for me. My youth...is gone. Perhaps once I might have been able to have a life with my people, to live in Mirkwood and run free. But that is no longer the case. Even if I were to go back...even if I were to be freed, I would still be lost. I have...things. My body is not built for life here, Frodo. It...is no longer strong. There were times that I was very ill from the aftereffects...of certain things...and I have never gotten over that. They say elves never get sick, but now I know what a lie that is. Sure Elves don't get sick...the ones who are kept safe in their lands and away from the evil of mortals. My face is no longer anything they would recognize...I fear it would only cause them pain if I returned. There are some things that I need now that I can't get anywhere but here."
I stroked his hair with still-nimble fingers, despite everything. "You know my father once thought to marry me to a Prince. I was that pretty once…" I shook my head, "But can you see me anywhere but here? I have lived only a smattering of years in this position…and despite all the ages I know that I will see…these are the years I will always remember and never be able to forget. These are the years that took my soul and refused to give it back. I cannot love because I cannot love myself. Not after everything that has happened. I am caught in the coils of Mordor, and the snake will never set me free, Frodo. I've been here too long. You…you however…you have a chance. You can get out…Don't come back for me…if you do leave. I will not go with you. I cannot go with you. My place is here. My life…here. I'm no longer an Elf, Frodo. There are things that it means to be an elf, and I am none of them.."
"I…" he tried to find an answer for that, but obviously he was still trying to process what I had told him. "I won't forget you." he promised softly. I don't know why he would say that. I wasn't his friend…I wasn't even really helping him. I didn't want to like him, and I didn't want to think about what they were going to do to him in a couple of hours. He was making me care, there was no doubt about it, and I strove to regain control over my heart. I had handled so much pain before because it didn't matter to me because I kept it away from my heart away from myself.
He had found his way somewhere that I had thought was lost. If they killed him…I didn't know what I would think or do. For the first time since I came to the Tower I didn't want someone else to be in pain. I wanted him to be free, to be gone from this place, to be somewhere where people could care for him properly. To be in a warm bed with loving friends. He was not a creature for this place. He was too good for Mordor. If I could find a way to help him, I would have to. Perhaps I could talk to Shagrat….
There was something about him, this small hobbit. He had so much weight on his shoulders. I suppose I could try…They weren't going to get any information out of him more than they already had. I don't think that they would listen to me…I might be able to convince my Master that the hobbit might be more useful as a slave…then broken. If he was made a slave…there would be a chance…a chance I could help him escape. As a prisoner…there was no chance. If he was a slave, I could care for him properly, there would be more at my disposal to give him.
Then I looked down at him. He could never endure the life of a slave. I sighed, there really wasn't much I could do to help him. If I talked them into making him a slave…he would eventually die from it…I was sure. If I let them torture him…he would eventually die from it…I was sure. He might endure as long as he possibly could, but he did not have the strength that I did. I did not want to see him broken. There had to be a way to get him out of here. I would find it. I would help him. I made my decision. Even if they did kill me for it.
"Merilas." he whispered softly, snuggling against me for warmth. I sighed and wrapped my arms around him. He really was irresistible. He sighed…not content…but he did like the contact….it showed as he gave me a tiny smile.
"Yes, Frodo?"
"You're an elf to me."
* * *
Brief note : This chapter dedicated to Frodo Baggins of Bag End .