Chapter Three
I stared at the wine bottle. Almost half empty already. It was a good thing I had a couple more in the Study. There were just some days…I ran fingers through my hair, staring at the journal. It was bringing back her into my mind….and I wasn't sure that I could deal with that….even after all these years. I didn't really feel like eating anymore and pushed the tray away. I took my pipe and filled it. It always seemed to settle my stomach once I had a bit of a smoke…not to mention calming my nerves.
After the pipe was lit and I felt a little better…I thought about continuing with the journal. Was I ready to bring -that- back. I had so long managed to bury it in the past. It had been the first time…I'd ever …I sighed. It wasn't that I didn't like girls. It was that well…I wasn't …I was different. I liked to be alone. Maybe…well. I'd spent the last 18 years telling myself I wanted to be alone…why change that thought now? Especially since I was planning on leaving the Shire. The thought never did sit well with me. Leaving. It hadn't been a problem for Bilbo. Why should it be such a problem with me. Why was I so tied to here?
My whole life I wanted to be somewhere I wasn't and now that the chance presented itself all I wanted to do was stay. Well…my memories were here. Everything I loved was here. Except…and then I thought about what I was trying not to think about…everything I loved was dead or gone. I had another sip of wine. I rubbed my chest a bit, and coughed lightly…then I resumed reading the journal.
FRODO HAD ONLY BECOME WORSE WHEN I LOOKED BACK IN ON HIM. HE WAS SLEEPING, FINALLY, BUT HE STILL HADN'T EATEN ANYTHING. CHLOE AND I HAD A LITTLE TALK WHILE WE COULD. HE WAS SLEEPING AT THE TIME. CHLOE WAS A PLEASANT CHILD, TAKING EVERYTHING IN STRIDE. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT SHE LOOKED LIKE HIS MOTHER AND THAT HIS PARENTS HAD DIED. IT HAD HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO, BUT IT HAD TAKEN HIM A LONG TIME TO GET OVER IT. NOW WAS PERHAPS THE WORST TIMING THAT SHE WAS HERE. I HAD PLANNED TO STOP BY BREYAWALD ON THE WAY TO RIVENDELL INSTEAD OF HAVING CHLOE BROUGHT TO BAG END. GANDALF HAD OTHER IDEAS. CHLOE, HE SAID, NEEDED ARRANGEMENTS TO BE MADE RIGHT AWAY AND NOT YEARS DOWN THE ROAD. I DON'T THINK THE OLD WIZARD REALLY BELIEVED THAT I WAS GOING TO LEAVE NEXT YEAR. CHLOE SEEMED TO HAVE A LOT OF HER MOTHER IN HER, AND I WAS PLEASED OF THAT. SHE ACCEPTED THAT I DIDN'T WANT HER STAYING AT BAG END AND ALL THE REASONS WHY. I WAS ALREADY IN THE PROCESS OF TRANSFERRING HER TO HER GRANDFATHER'S PEOPLE WHEN THE WIZARD DECIDED TO DROP HER BY. BREYWALD IS A SMALL SETTLEMENT INBETWEEN BREE AND RIVENDELL. ITS PEOPLE ARE RELATED TO CHLOE'S, AND IT'S THE ONLY SETTLEMENT THAT I KNOW OF WHICH STAYS IN ONE PLACE ALL YEAR ROUND. USUALLY THEY TRAVEL. CHLOE'S PEOPLE ARE HOBBITS THAT SEEM TO HAVE ELVEN BLOOD, FOR THEY HAVE NEVER STRUCK ME AS COMPLETELY LIKE US, THOUGH THEY ARE SIMILAR. THEY ARE OUTCASTS FROM ALL SOCIETIES….NOMADS AND GYPSIES. THEY HAVE STRANGE POWERS…AND FRODO'S MOTHER…WELL…FRODO'S MOTHER WAS THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF THEM.
I dropped the book….not sure whether or not to cry out in alarm or gasp in shock. Something…he'd never spoken of this…ever. I had heard of gypsy folk, but I didn't realize that there were hobbits who moved from place to place. I -had- heard of people finding hobbit holes in the most unlikely of places….but. Gypsies. My grandmother was Gypsy? Now it all began to make sense…the whispers about my mother…the looks and the mistrust…Aunt Esmerelda never quite accepting me…my height…my skin…I shivered. My hand shook as I began to remember that night.
"Bilbo…" I had been feeling very cold. She was not there anymore. I was awake and alone. It was too cold. I couldn't breathe…it was too cold…"Help…" I croaked out. My throat felt like sandpaper, and my eyes were watering with tears.
Bilbo came rushing in…and there was someone by his side. The two of them helped me to relax once again against the pillows and I began to breathe easier again. "There now, my boy…don't get excited…We're just a stones throw away, no one was leaving you alone. Calm down. There's a good lad…"
"Its alright Frodo…."
Her voice, I blinked and wiped at the tears in my eyes. She came into focus and I smiled in relief. She had not gone. She was still there. I held out my arms for her, struggling away from Bilbo. "Mamma…it hurts…"
"There now, Frodo. Everything will be alright." and she was not afraid to take me in her arms….
I had clung pretty desperately to her. At the time it really didn't matter who she was, only that she was holding me and not pushing me away. Bilbo rubbed my back gently as she helped me relax on the pillows.
"Bilbo, I think he might be ready for something to eat…its best we get something into him while he still can…"
Bilbo nodded, "You're quite right. I'll be off to get a tray." he did not seem very happy at the idea of leaving her alone with me but there was nothing to be done about it. It was almost…now that I remember it…almost as if he didn't trust her.
* * *
I stared at the wine bottle. Almost half empty already. It was a good thing I had a couple more in the Study. There were just some days…I ran fingers through my hair, staring at the journal. It was bringing back her into my mind….and I wasn't sure that I could deal with that….even after all these years. I didn't really feel like eating anymore and pushed the tray away. I took my pipe and filled it. It always seemed to settle my stomach once I had a bit of a smoke…not to mention calming my nerves.
After the pipe was lit and I felt a little better…I thought about continuing with the journal. Was I ready to bring -that- back. I had so long managed to bury it in the past. It had been the first time…I'd ever …I sighed. It wasn't that I didn't like girls. It was that well…I wasn't …I was different. I liked to be alone. Maybe…well. I'd spent the last 18 years telling myself I wanted to be alone…why change that thought now? Especially since I was planning on leaving the Shire. The thought never did sit well with me. Leaving. It hadn't been a problem for Bilbo. Why should it be such a problem with me. Why was I so tied to here?
My whole life I wanted to be somewhere I wasn't and now that the chance presented itself all I wanted to do was stay. Well…my memories were here. Everything I loved was here. Except…and then I thought about what I was trying not to think about…everything I loved was dead or gone. I had another sip of wine. I rubbed my chest a bit, and coughed lightly…then I resumed reading the journal.
FRODO HAD ONLY BECOME WORSE WHEN I LOOKED BACK IN ON HIM. HE WAS SLEEPING, FINALLY, BUT HE STILL HADN'T EATEN ANYTHING. CHLOE AND I HAD A LITTLE TALK WHILE WE COULD. HE WAS SLEEPING AT THE TIME. CHLOE WAS A PLEASANT CHILD, TAKING EVERYTHING IN STRIDE. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT SHE LOOKED LIKE HIS MOTHER AND THAT HIS PARENTS HAD DIED. IT HAD HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO, BUT IT HAD TAKEN HIM A LONG TIME TO GET OVER IT. NOW WAS PERHAPS THE WORST TIMING THAT SHE WAS HERE. I HAD PLANNED TO STOP BY BREYAWALD ON THE WAY TO RIVENDELL INSTEAD OF HAVING CHLOE BROUGHT TO BAG END. GANDALF HAD OTHER IDEAS. CHLOE, HE SAID, NEEDED ARRANGEMENTS TO BE MADE RIGHT AWAY AND NOT YEARS DOWN THE ROAD. I DON'T THINK THE OLD WIZARD REALLY BELIEVED THAT I WAS GOING TO LEAVE NEXT YEAR. CHLOE SEEMED TO HAVE A LOT OF HER MOTHER IN HER, AND I WAS PLEASED OF THAT. SHE ACCEPTED THAT I DIDN'T WANT HER STAYING AT BAG END AND ALL THE REASONS WHY. I WAS ALREADY IN THE PROCESS OF TRANSFERRING HER TO HER GRANDFATHER'S PEOPLE WHEN THE WIZARD DECIDED TO DROP HER BY. BREYWALD IS A SMALL SETTLEMENT INBETWEEN BREE AND RIVENDELL. ITS PEOPLE ARE RELATED TO CHLOE'S, AND IT'S THE ONLY SETTLEMENT THAT I KNOW OF WHICH STAYS IN ONE PLACE ALL YEAR ROUND. USUALLY THEY TRAVEL. CHLOE'S PEOPLE ARE HOBBITS THAT SEEM TO HAVE ELVEN BLOOD, FOR THEY HAVE NEVER STRUCK ME AS COMPLETELY LIKE US, THOUGH THEY ARE SIMILAR. THEY ARE OUTCASTS FROM ALL SOCIETIES….NOMADS AND GYPSIES. THEY HAVE STRANGE POWERS…AND FRODO'S MOTHER…WELL…FRODO'S MOTHER WAS THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF THEM.
I dropped the book….not sure whether or not to cry out in alarm or gasp in shock. Something…he'd never spoken of this…ever. I had heard of gypsy folk, but I didn't realize that there were hobbits who moved from place to place. I -had- heard of people finding hobbit holes in the most unlikely of places….but. Gypsies. My grandmother was Gypsy? Now it all began to make sense…the whispers about my mother…the looks and the mistrust…Aunt Esmerelda never quite accepting me…my height…my skin…I shivered. My hand shook as I began to remember that night.
"Bilbo…" I had been feeling very cold. She was not there anymore. I was awake and alone. It was too cold. I couldn't breathe…it was too cold…"Help…" I croaked out. My throat felt like sandpaper, and my eyes were watering with tears.
Bilbo came rushing in…and there was someone by his side. The two of them helped me to relax once again against the pillows and I began to breathe easier again. "There now, my boy…don't get excited…We're just a stones throw away, no one was leaving you alone. Calm down. There's a good lad…"
"Its alright Frodo…."
Her voice, I blinked and wiped at the tears in my eyes. She came into focus and I smiled in relief. She had not gone. She was still there. I held out my arms for her, struggling away from Bilbo. "Mamma…it hurts…"
"There now, Frodo. Everything will be alright." and she was not afraid to take me in her arms….
I had clung pretty desperately to her. At the time it really didn't matter who she was, only that she was holding me and not pushing me away. Bilbo rubbed my back gently as she helped me relax on the pillows.
"Bilbo, I think he might be ready for something to eat…its best we get something into him while he still can…"
Bilbo nodded, "You're quite right. I'll be off to get a tray." he did not seem very happy at the idea of leaving her alone with me but there was nothing to be done about it. It was almost…now that I remember it…almost as if he didn't trust her.
* * *