Chapter Five
A little while later, I was laying back in my chair, staring at the window. The cold weather was making it fog up with crystals. I was feeling a little out of sorts, well_...more than a little. I thought for a moment that I saw someone in the window, looking in_...and I blinked..._the shape was gone. I frowned and rose, taking another sip of wine. I studied the window once more..._and saw the shape again. Someone was outside in my garden. I took my walking stick and staggered to my feet. Why was I feeling so woozy? I hadn't had that much wine already had I? I ventured to the garden door and stepped outside_...gazing around at the snow coated grounds. Light flakes were falling, and I shivered slightly, I should have put on my coat. "Who's there?" I called out. "I'm warning you..."
I gripped the staff…looking around. The garden was empty…just as I thought. I laughed a little. I was imagining things as usual. I closed and then…almost as an after thought…locked the back door. Sam had a key, anyway. I walked back down the hall to my study, discarding the staff as I did. Silly to think…well…of course…I suddenly realized what date it was. This was the day…the day that she…I shook my head trying to clear the fog in my brain.
---Flashback---
"Here Frodo." her voice was soft and lovely like a spring breeze, "Take some of this mixture…its an old family recipe, it will help you sleep."
"I…no thank-you." I shook my head, I was too exhausted after eating the soup…but yet…I didn't want to go to sleep. I didn't want this to be a dream. "I don't want to sleep." I turned away, not accepting the tea. Bilbo watched, preparing a cool cloth. Why cold water? I was cold…not hot…I shivered under the blankets. I buried myself down and into the pillows. I wished she would take me in her arms again…but of course she would not. I was wrong to even want her to. I looked over at Bilbo with my eyes wide with building tears. "Do I have to drink it? I don't feel at all well….I'm cold….not hot…so cold…"
Bilbo frowned, "Frodo…you've got a terribly high fever…though you might not be realizing' it just yet." he tried to explain as he put the cloth over my forehead. It felt…strangely comforting…Fever? "The tea is to help keep your stomach under control so that we will be able to feed you. Let Chloe help you drink now…that's a good lad…"
He lifted me up slightly so that I could drink the tea without it dribbling on my chest. I blinked at her…Chloe…flushing. My eyes must have been betraying my feelings…I tended to have a hard time keeping my emotions from showing…she put her hand up and touched my cheek gently. "Your Uncle is quite right, Frodo. "
"Another blanket…please…?" I begged softly…avoiding the inevitable for as long as possible. Or…I needed someone to hold me. How in the shire could I ask something like that though? I wanted to curl up next to her again…it had felt so good. I gazed at her, whimpering a bit.
Bilbo and Chloe exchanged glances, and my uncle went to fetch another blanket. Chloe set the teacup down on my beside table and looked at me seriously. She smiled just then…and I felt…oddly elated despite the pain in my chest…it was starting to become difficult to breathe…While Bilbo was busy getting the blanket, she had slipped under the covers, and drew me into her arms like a mother would her child. I flushed from my ears down to my neck. Too weak to argue, I let her arrange me against her, and it was to this site that Bilbo returned with the blanket. He looked at the two of us and a tiny frown of disproval began to form in his eyes. I closed mine, not wanting to see it. "I'd…like the tea now…please…?" I said at last.
The blanket fetched by my uncle was worked over us and he seemed to make a gruff affirmative reply. "Its all right Frodo." Chloe's voice was the one that caused me to reopen my eyes. My Uncle was no longer frowning, but I didn't see any approval in his gaze. He was however, pleased to see that I would now drink the tea. I let her help me, the tea felt a bit strange…and tasted a little bitter…but it went down easily. After a while I was beginning to feel drowsy…and my eyes fluttered closed again as I snuggled against her, curling up comfortably. It still hurt to breathe.
"This won't do." I heard Bilbo's stern voice when they believed I was asleep. "Chloe, you know as well as I do what is planned for you…"
"I know Bilbo." her voice was calm and resigned as she stroked my hair, coaxing me into the land of dreams. A land that I never liked to visit…but one I could never really avoid either.
--end flashback--
I got back to my study and finished the wine glass on my desk. After I sat down in my chair again I considered eating some more of the applesauce and played around with it a bit. One or two bites later, I pushed it away, refilled my glass and turned the page of the journal. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and began to read again.
CHLOE SEEMED TO HAVE FRODO ENTHRALLED. IT REALLY ISN'T A GOOD THING. I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO TELL THE BOY WHEN THIS IS OVER AND HE'S WELL AGAIN. AT LEAST…AT LEAST HE'S RESPONDING TO HER. HE LETS HER FEED HIM, WHY HE WON'T TAKE ANYTHING FROM ME I DON'T KNOW. WHEN GANDALF WAS HERE, HE SAID THAT IT SEEMED FRODO SUSPECTED WHAT I WAS PLANNING AND WAS UPSET ABOUT IT. I DON'T BLAME THE LAD….WHEN I LEAVE…HE'LL BE ALONE. I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO IT TO HIM, BUT THERE'S NOTHING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT. GANDALF IS RIGHT, I HAVE TO LEAVE. I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL MY AGE, EVEN THOUGH MY BODY DOESN'T SHOW IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I'LL KEEP MYSELF TOGETHER IF I STAY HERE. I'M 110 YEARS OLD NOW, AND I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT I HAVE MUCH LONGER TO LIVE DISPITE WHAT GANDALF SAYS. I HAVE TO FINISH MY BOOK IN PEACE AND QUIET AND COLLECT MY SENSES. BUT AT ANY RATE…HE WILL HAVE TO LOSE THE CONNECTION TO CHLOE IMMEDIATELY WHEN HE IS WELL AGAIN, AND AFTER THIS DRATTED ICE STORM EASES UP…WHEN THE ROAD OPENS AGAIN, I'M TAKING HER WHERE SHE BELONGS. I KNOW HE WON'T UNDERSTAND, BUT IT'S THE BEST THING I CAN DO FOR HIM. I HOPE THAT SOMEDAY I WILL BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN.
I put my hand to my temple and closed my eyes. She was still in my heart after all these years, and after all the times I'd tried to get her out of my mind…buried her so far down deep that my mind forgot her. She was now tumbling back into it again, but she was so far out of my reach . I had problems I couldn't bring her into…even if I had the courage to look for her. After all…what did I have to offer her even if I did find her…and even if she wanted me? I had things to do.
I opened another bottle of wine.
* * *
A little while later, I was laying back in my chair, staring at the window. The cold weather was making it fog up with crystals. I was feeling a little out of sorts, well_...more than a little. I thought for a moment that I saw someone in the window, looking in_...and I blinked..._the shape was gone. I frowned and rose, taking another sip of wine. I studied the window once more..._and saw the shape again. Someone was outside in my garden. I took my walking stick and staggered to my feet. Why was I feeling so woozy? I hadn't had that much wine already had I? I ventured to the garden door and stepped outside_...gazing around at the snow coated grounds. Light flakes were falling, and I shivered slightly, I should have put on my coat. "Who's there?" I called out. "I'm warning you..."
I gripped the staff…looking around. The garden was empty…just as I thought. I laughed a little. I was imagining things as usual. I closed and then…almost as an after thought…locked the back door. Sam had a key, anyway. I walked back down the hall to my study, discarding the staff as I did. Silly to think…well…of course…I suddenly realized what date it was. This was the day…the day that she…I shook my head trying to clear the fog in my brain.
---Flashback---
"Here Frodo." her voice was soft and lovely like a spring breeze, "Take some of this mixture…its an old family recipe, it will help you sleep."
"I…no thank-you." I shook my head, I was too exhausted after eating the soup…but yet…I didn't want to go to sleep. I didn't want this to be a dream. "I don't want to sleep." I turned away, not accepting the tea. Bilbo watched, preparing a cool cloth. Why cold water? I was cold…not hot…I shivered under the blankets. I buried myself down and into the pillows. I wished she would take me in her arms again…but of course she would not. I was wrong to even want her to. I looked over at Bilbo with my eyes wide with building tears. "Do I have to drink it? I don't feel at all well….I'm cold….not hot…so cold…"
Bilbo frowned, "Frodo…you've got a terribly high fever…though you might not be realizing' it just yet." he tried to explain as he put the cloth over my forehead. It felt…strangely comforting…Fever? "The tea is to help keep your stomach under control so that we will be able to feed you. Let Chloe help you drink now…that's a good lad…"
He lifted me up slightly so that I could drink the tea without it dribbling on my chest. I blinked at her…Chloe…flushing. My eyes must have been betraying my feelings…I tended to have a hard time keeping my emotions from showing…she put her hand up and touched my cheek gently. "Your Uncle is quite right, Frodo. "
"Another blanket…please…?" I begged softly…avoiding the inevitable for as long as possible. Or…I needed someone to hold me. How in the shire could I ask something like that though? I wanted to curl up next to her again…it had felt so good. I gazed at her, whimpering a bit.
Bilbo and Chloe exchanged glances, and my uncle went to fetch another blanket. Chloe set the teacup down on my beside table and looked at me seriously. She smiled just then…and I felt…oddly elated despite the pain in my chest…it was starting to become difficult to breathe…While Bilbo was busy getting the blanket, she had slipped under the covers, and drew me into her arms like a mother would her child. I flushed from my ears down to my neck. Too weak to argue, I let her arrange me against her, and it was to this site that Bilbo returned with the blanket. He looked at the two of us and a tiny frown of disproval began to form in his eyes. I closed mine, not wanting to see it. "I'd…like the tea now…please…?" I said at last.
The blanket fetched by my uncle was worked over us and he seemed to make a gruff affirmative reply. "Its all right Frodo." Chloe's voice was the one that caused me to reopen my eyes. My Uncle was no longer frowning, but I didn't see any approval in his gaze. He was however, pleased to see that I would now drink the tea. I let her help me, the tea felt a bit strange…and tasted a little bitter…but it went down easily. After a while I was beginning to feel drowsy…and my eyes fluttered closed again as I snuggled against her, curling up comfortably. It still hurt to breathe.
"This won't do." I heard Bilbo's stern voice when they believed I was asleep. "Chloe, you know as well as I do what is planned for you…"
"I know Bilbo." her voice was calm and resigned as she stroked my hair, coaxing me into the land of dreams. A land that I never liked to visit…but one I could never really avoid either.
--end flashback--
I got back to my study and finished the wine glass on my desk. After I sat down in my chair again I considered eating some more of the applesauce and played around with it a bit. One or two bites later, I pushed it away, refilled my glass and turned the page of the journal. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and began to read again.
CHLOE SEEMED TO HAVE FRODO ENTHRALLED. IT REALLY ISN'T A GOOD THING. I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO TELL THE BOY WHEN THIS IS OVER AND HE'S WELL AGAIN. AT LEAST…AT LEAST HE'S RESPONDING TO HER. HE LETS HER FEED HIM, WHY HE WON'T TAKE ANYTHING FROM ME I DON'T KNOW. WHEN GANDALF WAS HERE, HE SAID THAT IT SEEMED FRODO SUSPECTED WHAT I WAS PLANNING AND WAS UPSET ABOUT IT. I DON'T BLAME THE LAD….WHEN I LEAVE…HE'LL BE ALONE. I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO IT TO HIM, BUT THERE'S NOTHING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT. GANDALF IS RIGHT, I HAVE TO LEAVE. I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL MY AGE, EVEN THOUGH MY BODY DOESN'T SHOW IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I'LL KEEP MYSELF TOGETHER IF I STAY HERE. I'M 110 YEARS OLD NOW, AND I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT I HAVE MUCH LONGER TO LIVE DISPITE WHAT GANDALF SAYS. I HAVE TO FINISH MY BOOK IN PEACE AND QUIET AND COLLECT MY SENSES. BUT AT ANY RATE…HE WILL HAVE TO LOSE THE CONNECTION TO CHLOE IMMEDIATELY WHEN HE IS WELL AGAIN, AND AFTER THIS DRATTED ICE STORM EASES UP…WHEN THE ROAD OPENS AGAIN, I'M TAKING HER WHERE SHE BELONGS. I KNOW HE WON'T UNDERSTAND, BUT IT'S THE BEST THING I CAN DO FOR HIM. I HOPE THAT SOMEDAY I WILL BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN.
I put my hand to my temple and closed my eyes. She was still in my heart after all these years, and after all the times I'd tried to get her out of my mind…buried her so far down deep that my mind forgot her. She was now tumbling back into it again, but she was so far out of my reach . I had problems I couldn't bring her into…even if I had the courage to look for her. After all…what did I have to offer her even if I did find her…and even if she wanted me? I had things to do.
I opened another bottle of wine.
* * *