Chapter Six
Do you know what it is like not being able to breathe? Your life flashes before you, and you wonder to yourself at that particular moment if it really had been worth living. Everyone you've ever loved is clear in your mind as is everything you still want to do. I nibbled on a piece of chicken contemplating the memories that Bilbo's journal had stirred. My cousin Merry would say that I just didn't meet the right hobbit. Sam would say that I was shy and Pippin would say that I didn't like girls. They're all wrong. I longed for someone…someone who could understand me. Someone who would be willing to hold me night after night. I needed love as everyone else did and I dreamt about what it would be like to have a wife and children, I also thought about what it would be like…with someone in my bed. They were wrong thoughts to have…but I've had them every so often. They would also tell you that in the Shire we are quite a decent race, no debauchery or evil behavior. Some would have the entire world know that Hobbits from the shire are the purest of races. It is simply our society that makes us that way. We have a strong sense of what is wrong and what is right. And…what is wrong is to desire someone you were not married to…you never spoke of it…even to your closest friends. Certainly…unless you started the courting process…you never did anything about it if you wanted to be accepted in society. I remember what it was like not being able to breathe because I woke up later that night…and I couldn't see or feel anything but what was flashing through my mind.
---Flashback---
I awoke…and knew the reason why. My throat was constricting…like someone was strangling me…but there was no one but the darkness in the room…and her…She was with me…but she was holding me…she was half asleep and did not immediately notice. I gasped, clutching at her. Images…sights…sounds…people…were all flashing through my mind and I couldn't focus…all I wanted to do was focus on her though. I couldn't and the tears began to fall when she felt my desperate grip and stared at me in shock.
"Hold on Frodo…" Fumbling in Bilbo's medicine bag, she found what she was looking for. A jelly like substance in a small jar. She tore open my nightshirt, and began to quickly rub it on my taunt chest…and some kind of vapor began to rise from it. "Small Breathes…Frodo…" she encouraged me, holding me steady. "Relax…open your lungs."
I wheezed hoarsely, trying my best to comply, but it was a few moments before I feebly began to breathe again after inhaling the fumes from the strong medication. It smelt awful, and I grimaced through sweat and tears. She smiled, encouraging me further to breathe. I tried talking but she wouldn't let me, putting a finger to my lips. I nodded and continued to take small breaths. Eventually, she brought over a glass of cool water and had me take a few sips. My breathe was coming now…but in slow…short gasps, my lungs burning with every effort.
I lay there for a long time, getting my breathe back to some kind of regular form. She held me all the way through it as I trembled and wiped away at tears of pain. Finally…it subsided enough that I could speak…with a dry and hoarse voice that cracked at each tone. I did not recognize it. "More water…please.."
She let me have as much as I needed…and I shivered and pressed against her. She was warm…and I still couldn't get warm…despite the layers of soft quilts. I looked at her after a while…a little embarrassed…remembering how good her hands had felt on my chest. My ears turned a little red and I pushed away the thought, cuddling into her arm. She rubbed my shoulder gently, soothing me enough that I almost drifted off to sleep, but not before I started talking a little to her.
"Th-thank-you." I managed, my mouth felt like sandpaper, and every part of me was as weak as a kitten, yet the beating of my heart was clear enough that I thought for sure she must be able to hear it.
"You're alright Frodo, just relax now my little one." Chloe's voice was like cream in warm tea…soft and smooth. I gazed at her, she made me feel…like I was the center of her world right now, and only My Aunty Angeline and my uncle Bilbo had ever made me feel that way…since my parents died.
"Are you…" I ventured at last, "Chloe…how long will you be here?"
"I'm not sure, Frodo…for as long as the weather is as bad as it is, I think." she played a little with my damp curls, pushing them back out of my eyes.
"I hope you can stay forever!" I buried my head against her shoulder, coughing a little as I tried to speak a bit faster.
"She cannot stay Frodo." Bilbo's voice was in the doorway and he carried a pot of tea into the room. It was sterner than I had ever heard from him before. I knew better than to argue with him and was too weak to really comply, yawning. After I let Bilbo coax ginger tea into my lips I heard her say something to Bilbo as I drifted back to sleep.
"Uncle…I…I don't mean to be disrespectful…but perhaps it would be good for him."
"None of this is good for him…for he will have to lose it, and I don't want my boy to suffer again, Chloe. He's been through enough, let him go…"
"I'm sorry uncle."
--- end flashback --
I flipped another page as the memory of that night faded.
FRODO AND CHLOE ARE GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I FEAR THAT HE HAS ALREADY FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HER. I SHALL HAVE TO HAVE A SERIOUS TALK WITH HER AS SOON AS FRODO IS ABLE TO BE ON HIS OWN IN BED. SHE TOLD ME HE ALMOST STOPPED BREATHING AND IT HAD BROKEN MY OWN HEART TO HEAR IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IF HE SHOULD NOT SURVIVE THIS. I ALMOST FEEL THAT I CAN'T LEAVE HIM…WHEN HE SO EASILY SUCCUMBS TO SUCH THINGS. I WISH THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO WHAT I MUST, BUT I CAN'T STAY IN THE SHIRE ANY LONGER, I CAN'T…I MUST GIVE IT UP IF I'M TO FIND PEACE. IF CHLOE'S MOTHER WERE ALIVE SHE WOULD BE TELLING ME TO SEPARATE THEM IMMEDIATELY, BUT I CAN'T DO THAT EITHER. FRODO IS RESPONDING TO HER, HE'S PULLING HIMSELF THROUGH THE WORST BITS OF THIS BECAUSE THERE'S MORE THAN JUST ME THAT HE CARES ABOUT. I FEAR FOR HIS STATE OF MIND WHEN HE FINDS OUT THE TRUTH.
I smiled sardonically, the truth. I wished that Bilbo had just left well enough alone. Clenching my fist I looked over at the pictures of my mother and father. I had wanted her with all my heart…had needed her. But…she was not who I wanted her to be. I took a bit more wine and yawned. As the fire crackled, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise.
*Frodo* A fell voice whispered in the study, yet there was no one there but me…and…I looked down at the One Ring. Bilbo's old magic ring, now that I knew what it was I didn't know if I had the strength to carry out Gandalf's wishes. It was a pretty ring…I could see myself in it. I touched it and heard my name again…and it seemed like her voice. I shook my head wearily. I was hearing things.
* * *
Do you know what it is like not being able to breathe? Your life flashes before you, and you wonder to yourself at that particular moment if it really had been worth living. Everyone you've ever loved is clear in your mind as is everything you still want to do. I nibbled on a piece of chicken contemplating the memories that Bilbo's journal had stirred. My cousin Merry would say that I just didn't meet the right hobbit. Sam would say that I was shy and Pippin would say that I didn't like girls. They're all wrong. I longed for someone…someone who could understand me. Someone who would be willing to hold me night after night. I needed love as everyone else did and I dreamt about what it would be like to have a wife and children, I also thought about what it would be like…with someone in my bed. They were wrong thoughts to have…but I've had them every so often. They would also tell you that in the Shire we are quite a decent race, no debauchery or evil behavior. Some would have the entire world know that Hobbits from the shire are the purest of races. It is simply our society that makes us that way. We have a strong sense of what is wrong and what is right. And…what is wrong is to desire someone you were not married to…you never spoke of it…even to your closest friends. Certainly…unless you started the courting process…you never did anything about it if you wanted to be accepted in society. I remember what it was like not being able to breathe because I woke up later that night…and I couldn't see or feel anything but what was flashing through my mind.
---Flashback---
I awoke…and knew the reason why. My throat was constricting…like someone was strangling me…but there was no one but the darkness in the room…and her…She was with me…but she was holding me…she was half asleep and did not immediately notice. I gasped, clutching at her. Images…sights…sounds…people…were all flashing through my mind and I couldn't focus…all I wanted to do was focus on her though. I couldn't and the tears began to fall when she felt my desperate grip and stared at me in shock.
"Hold on Frodo…" Fumbling in Bilbo's medicine bag, she found what she was looking for. A jelly like substance in a small jar. She tore open my nightshirt, and began to quickly rub it on my taunt chest…and some kind of vapor began to rise from it. "Small Breathes…Frodo…" she encouraged me, holding me steady. "Relax…open your lungs."
I wheezed hoarsely, trying my best to comply, but it was a few moments before I feebly began to breathe again after inhaling the fumes from the strong medication. It smelt awful, and I grimaced through sweat and tears. She smiled, encouraging me further to breathe. I tried talking but she wouldn't let me, putting a finger to my lips. I nodded and continued to take small breaths. Eventually, she brought over a glass of cool water and had me take a few sips. My breathe was coming now…but in slow…short gasps, my lungs burning with every effort.
I lay there for a long time, getting my breathe back to some kind of regular form. She held me all the way through it as I trembled and wiped away at tears of pain. Finally…it subsided enough that I could speak…with a dry and hoarse voice that cracked at each tone. I did not recognize it. "More water…please.."
She let me have as much as I needed…and I shivered and pressed against her. She was warm…and I still couldn't get warm…despite the layers of soft quilts. I looked at her after a while…a little embarrassed…remembering how good her hands had felt on my chest. My ears turned a little red and I pushed away the thought, cuddling into her arm. She rubbed my shoulder gently, soothing me enough that I almost drifted off to sleep, but not before I started talking a little to her.
"Th-thank-you." I managed, my mouth felt like sandpaper, and every part of me was as weak as a kitten, yet the beating of my heart was clear enough that I thought for sure she must be able to hear it.
"You're alright Frodo, just relax now my little one." Chloe's voice was like cream in warm tea…soft and smooth. I gazed at her, she made me feel…like I was the center of her world right now, and only My Aunty Angeline and my uncle Bilbo had ever made me feel that way…since my parents died.
"Are you…" I ventured at last, "Chloe…how long will you be here?"
"I'm not sure, Frodo…for as long as the weather is as bad as it is, I think." she played a little with my damp curls, pushing them back out of my eyes.
"I hope you can stay forever!" I buried my head against her shoulder, coughing a little as I tried to speak a bit faster.
"She cannot stay Frodo." Bilbo's voice was in the doorway and he carried a pot of tea into the room. It was sterner than I had ever heard from him before. I knew better than to argue with him and was too weak to really comply, yawning. After I let Bilbo coax ginger tea into my lips I heard her say something to Bilbo as I drifted back to sleep.
"Uncle…I…I don't mean to be disrespectful…but perhaps it would be good for him."
"None of this is good for him…for he will have to lose it, and I don't want my boy to suffer again, Chloe. He's been through enough, let him go…"
"I'm sorry uncle."
--- end flashback --
I flipped another page as the memory of that night faded.
FRODO AND CHLOE ARE GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I FEAR THAT HE HAS ALREADY FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HER. I SHALL HAVE TO HAVE A SERIOUS TALK WITH HER AS SOON AS FRODO IS ABLE TO BE ON HIS OWN IN BED. SHE TOLD ME HE ALMOST STOPPED BREATHING AND IT HAD BROKEN MY OWN HEART TO HEAR IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IF HE SHOULD NOT SURVIVE THIS. I ALMOST FEEL THAT I CAN'T LEAVE HIM…WHEN HE SO EASILY SUCCUMBS TO SUCH THINGS. I WISH THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO WHAT I MUST, BUT I CAN'T STAY IN THE SHIRE ANY LONGER, I CAN'T…I MUST GIVE IT UP IF I'M TO FIND PEACE. IF CHLOE'S MOTHER WERE ALIVE SHE WOULD BE TELLING ME TO SEPARATE THEM IMMEDIATELY, BUT I CAN'T DO THAT EITHER. FRODO IS RESPONDING TO HER, HE'S PULLING HIMSELF THROUGH THE WORST BITS OF THIS BECAUSE THERE'S MORE THAN JUST ME THAT HE CARES ABOUT. I FEAR FOR HIS STATE OF MIND WHEN HE FINDS OUT THE TRUTH.
I smiled sardonically, the truth. I wished that Bilbo had just left well enough alone. Clenching my fist I looked over at the pictures of my mother and father. I had wanted her with all my heart…had needed her. But…she was not who I wanted her to be. I took a bit more wine and yawned. As the fire crackled, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise.
*Frodo* A fell voice whispered in the study, yet there was no one there but me…and…I looked down at the One Ring. Bilbo's old magic ring, now that I knew what it was I didn't know if I had the strength to carry out Gandalf's wishes. It was a pretty ring…I could see myself in it. I touched it and heard my name again…and it seemed like her voice. I shook my head wearily. I was hearing things.
* * *