Chapter Seven
"The Truth." I glared at the diary, my temper was beginning to rise. I braced my hands on the edge of my desk taking several deep breaths and calming my mind as best I could. I remembered the look Bilbo gave me when I asked who she was. I remembered his look when he refused to let me court her. I sighed, I wasn't mad at him…I swirled the wine in my glass. I was…just angry at how everything seemed to have turned out in my life so far. I attracted trouble.
I got out of my chair, trying hard to ignore the incomprehensible whispers that seemed to be egging my temper on. I gazed at the fireplace for a moment, resting against the mantlepiece. Perhaps what I really needed was to take a walk…to clear my head. I poured my glass full, and filled my pipe. It didn't take me long to struggle into a heavy jacket, a pair of gloves and wrap a scarf around my neck. There was a blanket of snow on the ground and it was not exactly warm weather. But…I had to get out of Bag End…perhaps then the voices that plagued me would cease their call.
I locked the door behind me, and headed down the road. It was probably a few hours past midnight, I hadn't looked at the clock. I walked quickly, it was cold out, and I tried to ignore that the shadows seemed very long…and almost as though they were seeking me, their fingers pushing my way.
I found that I hadn't escaped the whispers. Suddenly, a bird flew by my head, startling me. I lurched forward and nearly went offbalance. Luckily…I did manage to avoid spilling too much wine. I glanced from where it had come and found nothing that could have spooked it. I kept walking. I must have seemed an odd figure. Queer Frodo Baggins…walking about after midnight like he meant to go dance with the fairies. I had a destination in mind…it was one of the few places where I found any peace. It seemed to take an awful long time to reach it. Perhaps due to the number of times I stumbled on the way, for my body didn't seem to have quite the spryness I usually had. I pushed away the warning thought in my head…"Get ye home, Frodo Baggins…you're drunk…and walking about this late is surely to cause you harm."
The Hobbiton Graveyard stretched over a grassy pleasant hill, and it was not that far away from Bag End. My parents memorial had been erected near the Baggins' Tomb. They were actually buried in The Brandy Hall Cemetery, but Bilbo had put up a memorial here for me when I came to live with him. There was a bench nearby and I was thankful for that. I brushed off some snow and with far less dexterity than I was used to…I managed to sit down.
I lit my pipe for warmth and took a deep breath, staring at the memorial. What would they think of me were they here today? I was hardly the little boy they left behind…but I hadn't quite grown into a respectable hobbit they could be proud of. In fact, despite my wealth…the folk of Hobbiton barely tolerated me. I was an unmarried Rich bachelor with a strange uncle who vanished one night and I obviously dealt with elves and dwarves and other unseemly folk. No maid in her right mind would even be seen with me let a lone marry me.
That line of thought brought me back to her. If only…I'd have broken every rule had I been old enough. Then Bilbo left…and there was no way for me to find her on my own…without his help. I thought back to the time when I found out who she was. That she was the widow of my mother's brother. My Aunt by marriage. Primula's brother was not spoken much of for he went to live with the Gypsies instead of staying in Hobbiton. In fact…ask any Brandybuck today and they wouldn't mention him.
I didn't care though at the time…I wanted her. Hobbit Society would never allow it though, and Bilbo knew that even if -he- didn't stay on in the Shire…I would and he wanted me to be respectable even if he never was. He'd apparently been responsible for Chloe's mother meeting my uncle and that had further driven a wedge between him and Brandybucks. They never did like to forgive transgressions.
I wondered if…well…Surely after the Ring was taken care of…I would have time to find her. I laughed bitterly…No…likely not. She had never once led me to believe that she would welcome it if I looked for her. Maybe though…had there been something I missed?
I thought back to the time when I woke up that morning…resting comfortably for the first time in a long while.
--begin flashback--
I blinked drowsily…my head was resting against something much softer than a pillow. I smiled…I was warm…finally…there were interesting smells coming from the kitchen and they almost interested me, but my stomach still didn't agree with me, turning over a couple of times. I paled little…wondering if I was going to throw up. Then I became aware that I was cuddled up securely in someone's arm…a feminine arm. I opened my eyes to get a better look at her.
I remembered…being outside…and very cold. Then falling from pain…and my chest constricting…I still felt that tightening feeling around my lungs and when I breathed…I heard a horrible rasping sound. What I saw was Chloe…and I remembered…I had mistaken her for my mother….and begged her to stay with me. I had been…awfully delirious and I remembered Bilbo's stern look. Still…the dryness in my throat and eyes was enough to make me squirm, attempting to rub them both. She saw that I had awoken and smiled at me.
That smile…I tentatively responded…though I was embarrassed beyond all belief…"Hullo…" I could barely speak…it hurt just moving.
She immediately took action, as she had some tea ready. She had me sip it slowly to clear my throat as best we could. "Good morning, Frodo. Do you remember me?" She was so -calm-…so serene…
I blushed…my cheeks red as my hair fell in my eyes, "Yes." it felt a little easier to talk after drinking the ginger tea. "You're Chloe…I'm…sorry for …this…" I lowered my gaze shyly as she helped me to drink a bit more tea. I felt very weak…and could hardly hold the cup. My stomach was telling me that I'd better not have any more than tea.
"Don't be sorry, Frodo." she laughed softly and brushed my curls away from my eyes. "You seem…just a little better…but I don't like the sound of your breathing. Bilbo says we can't get a doctor here because of the storm."
And indeed…it was still raging around us, I looked over at my window and saw the high snowdrifts, frowning for a moment. I'd never seen so much of it… I wondered if we were going to be snowed in.
"Its hard…" I managed, "It hurts…" I finished the tea cup and smiled at her. "Thank you for staying…you don't have to…"
"Nonsense." she shook her head, "I want to. Besides, it helps your Uncle, and it makes it easier for us to get you to drink and eat. Though I daresay you must be hungry…you haven't eaten for at least twelve hours."
I paled at the thought of food, "N-no thank you…" I whispered miserably. "I just can't …"
"Can't eat, My Lad?" Bilbo was in the doorway with the tray that I had smelt him preparing a little earlier. I gazed over at him with a fearful expression.
--end flashback--
I started back to reality, remembering Bilbo's look when he saw me so close to her. There had been all the warning signs and I hadn't noticed. I sighed and kicked at a small snowdrift by the bench while I drank a bit more wine. I was feeling a little tired now…maybe it was the walk. I felt the cold licking about me, even through the thick brown coat I wore. It was oddly…comforting…like it was something I would have to get used to. I don't know where the feeling came from…I was suddenly afraid that I would be cold all of my life…I played over that thought in my mind while I held my pipe in my mouth, gaining what warmth I could from it. Perhaps it was time to head back and stop feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it was also time for another sip of wine.
* * *
"The Truth." I glared at the diary, my temper was beginning to rise. I braced my hands on the edge of my desk taking several deep breaths and calming my mind as best I could. I remembered the look Bilbo gave me when I asked who she was. I remembered his look when he refused to let me court her. I sighed, I wasn't mad at him…I swirled the wine in my glass. I was…just angry at how everything seemed to have turned out in my life so far. I attracted trouble.
I got out of my chair, trying hard to ignore the incomprehensible whispers that seemed to be egging my temper on. I gazed at the fireplace for a moment, resting against the mantlepiece. Perhaps what I really needed was to take a walk…to clear my head. I poured my glass full, and filled my pipe. It didn't take me long to struggle into a heavy jacket, a pair of gloves and wrap a scarf around my neck. There was a blanket of snow on the ground and it was not exactly warm weather. But…I had to get out of Bag End…perhaps then the voices that plagued me would cease their call.
I locked the door behind me, and headed down the road. It was probably a few hours past midnight, I hadn't looked at the clock. I walked quickly, it was cold out, and I tried to ignore that the shadows seemed very long…and almost as though they were seeking me, their fingers pushing my way.
I found that I hadn't escaped the whispers. Suddenly, a bird flew by my head, startling me. I lurched forward and nearly went offbalance. Luckily…I did manage to avoid spilling too much wine. I glanced from where it had come and found nothing that could have spooked it. I kept walking. I must have seemed an odd figure. Queer Frodo Baggins…walking about after midnight like he meant to go dance with the fairies. I had a destination in mind…it was one of the few places where I found any peace. It seemed to take an awful long time to reach it. Perhaps due to the number of times I stumbled on the way, for my body didn't seem to have quite the spryness I usually had. I pushed away the warning thought in my head…"Get ye home, Frodo Baggins…you're drunk…and walking about this late is surely to cause you harm."
The Hobbiton Graveyard stretched over a grassy pleasant hill, and it was not that far away from Bag End. My parents memorial had been erected near the Baggins' Tomb. They were actually buried in The Brandy Hall Cemetery, but Bilbo had put up a memorial here for me when I came to live with him. There was a bench nearby and I was thankful for that. I brushed off some snow and with far less dexterity than I was used to…I managed to sit down.
I lit my pipe for warmth and took a deep breath, staring at the memorial. What would they think of me were they here today? I was hardly the little boy they left behind…but I hadn't quite grown into a respectable hobbit they could be proud of. In fact, despite my wealth…the folk of Hobbiton barely tolerated me. I was an unmarried Rich bachelor with a strange uncle who vanished one night and I obviously dealt with elves and dwarves and other unseemly folk. No maid in her right mind would even be seen with me let a lone marry me.
That line of thought brought me back to her. If only…I'd have broken every rule had I been old enough. Then Bilbo left…and there was no way for me to find her on my own…without his help. I thought back to the time when I found out who she was. That she was the widow of my mother's brother. My Aunt by marriage. Primula's brother was not spoken much of for he went to live with the Gypsies instead of staying in Hobbiton. In fact…ask any Brandybuck today and they wouldn't mention him.
I didn't care though at the time…I wanted her. Hobbit Society would never allow it though, and Bilbo knew that even if -he- didn't stay on in the Shire…I would and he wanted me to be respectable even if he never was. He'd apparently been responsible for Chloe's mother meeting my uncle and that had further driven a wedge between him and Brandybucks. They never did like to forgive transgressions.
I wondered if…well…Surely after the Ring was taken care of…I would have time to find her. I laughed bitterly…No…likely not. She had never once led me to believe that she would welcome it if I looked for her. Maybe though…had there been something I missed?
I thought back to the time when I woke up that morning…resting comfortably for the first time in a long while.
--begin flashback--
I blinked drowsily…my head was resting against something much softer than a pillow. I smiled…I was warm…finally…there were interesting smells coming from the kitchen and they almost interested me, but my stomach still didn't agree with me, turning over a couple of times. I paled little…wondering if I was going to throw up. Then I became aware that I was cuddled up securely in someone's arm…a feminine arm. I opened my eyes to get a better look at her.
I remembered…being outside…and very cold. Then falling from pain…and my chest constricting…I still felt that tightening feeling around my lungs and when I breathed…I heard a horrible rasping sound. What I saw was Chloe…and I remembered…I had mistaken her for my mother….and begged her to stay with me. I had been…awfully delirious and I remembered Bilbo's stern look. Still…the dryness in my throat and eyes was enough to make me squirm, attempting to rub them both. She saw that I had awoken and smiled at me.
That smile…I tentatively responded…though I was embarrassed beyond all belief…"Hullo…" I could barely speak…it hurt just moving.
She immediately took action, as she had some tea ready. She had me sip it slowly to clear my throat as best we could. "Good morning, Frodo. Do you remember me?" She was so -calm-…so serene…
I blushed…my cheeks red as my hair fell in my eyes, "Yes." it felt a little easier to talk after drinking the ginger tea. "You're Chloe…I'm…sorry for …this…" I lowered my gaze shyly as she helped me to drink a bit more tea. I felt very weak…and could hardly hold the cup. My stomach was telling me that I'd better not have any more than tea.
"Don't be sorry, Frodo." she laughed softly and brushed my curls away from my eyes. "You seem…just a little better…but I don't like the sound of your breathing. Bilbo says we can't get a doctor here because of the storm."
And indeed…it was still raging around us, I looked over at my window and saw the high snowdrifts, frowning for a moment. I'd never seen so much of it… I wondered if we were going to be snowed in.
"Its hard…" I managed, "It hurts…" I finished the tea cup and smiled at her. "Thank you for staying…you don't have to…"
"Nonsense." she shook her head, "I want to. Besides, it helps your Uncle, and it makes it easier for us to get you to drink and eat. Though I daresay you must be hungry…you haven't eaten for at least twelve hours."
I paled at the thought of food, "N-no thank you…" I whispered miserably. "I just can't …"
"Can't eat, My Lad?" Bilbo was in the doorway with the tray that I had smelt him preparing a little earlier. I gazed over at him with a fearful expression.
--end flashback--
I started back to reality, remembering Bilbo's look when he saw me so close to her. There had been all the warning signs and I hadn't noticed. I sighed and kicked at a small snowdrift by the bench while I drank a bit more wine. I was feeling a little tired now…maybe it was the walk. I felt the cold licking about me, even through the thick brown coat I wore. It was oddly…comforting…like it was something I would have to get used to. I don't know where the feeling came from…I was suddenly afraid that I would be cold all of my life…I played over that thought in my mind while I held my pipe in my mouth, gaining what warmth I could from it. Perhaps it was time to head back and stop feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it was also time for another sip of wine.
* * *