Okay, peeps, sorry this is such a baby update but the part after this is
causing a few conflicts between beta readers *g* It's angst filled so it's
pretty hard to keep Tom on the edge of sanity and not make his anguish
tedious. Any pointers on the mini angst fest in this one would be welcomed
so I can improve on Tom's bigger angst trip next time.
Thanks, MJ
***
I sat back and watched Tom over the top of my reports. He was sat cross- legged in front of the observation window drumming his fingers on the floor. He'd grown so much in the past few weeks. Tom was fourteen and had been through a very fast growth spurt. His personality had changed slightly too, and I had a feeling it was to do with some of the memories he was getting. He'd become a lot quieter and a lot tenser, not coming to me for comfort as much during the day. He'd also begun having infrequent nightmares and I'd wake up to his screams and find him trembling in bed, hiding under the covers. Then he'd spot me and clamp his arms around my neck, he told me he needed to reassure himself that he was with me and not back on Earth.
Tom had turned into just the teenager I'd expected him to. He was tall and lean, into keeping in shape with various sports. He'd got me into skiing and basketball and I'd introduced him to boxing and a few of the martial arts. His blonde hair now flopped over his head and his voice had broken a few days ago, his blue eyes told me more about his feelings than his voice ever could. Tom's personality was still basically the same; he was smart and quick-witted, but would still try to hold in some of his more acute feelings.
Suddenly Tom slammed his fist down on the floor and cursed quietly under his breath. I snapped my eyes up and put the reports down, tactfully ignoring the bad language "Tom? What's wrong?"
He stood up and started pacing the room and then stopped and looked at me, "Why can't I just do something for myself for once? Am I not good enough?"
I frowned, hoping this was something to do with one of his memories and not me. "Want to tell me?"
He sat down again on a single-seater couch across from me, "The Academy. H- he got me in. I didn't even have to take the test. And then he had the nerve to call me selfish for wanting to take it! How am I ever to know that I can do something off my own back? Or is that it? It is isn't it? I couldn't get in on my own. I can't do anything off my own back. But- I'm not even on Earth, I'm here. It hasn't happened, has it?" He clenched his fists in frustration, "I DON'T GET ANY OF THIS!" he yelled suddenly.
"Come here Tom." I motioned to the place next to me on the couch. He shuffled over miserably and curled up next to me. I put my arm around him and took a deep breath, "Okay, Tom I have to tell you something, but I can only tell you part of the story." Tom looked at me, his eyes curious, "Everything you're experiencing now, everything you remember each week- it's all happened. But this is the second time you're going through it."
Tom frowned at my bad explanation, "I don't get you."
I paused, choosing my words carefully, "A few months ago, you were an adult on board. You were still Tom Paris, still the same person you are now, just a little older. There was an accident and you were changed back to a child, with all your memories wiped. You will remember a part of them every week, like you're doing now, until you're back to your original age."
Tom took a minute for it to sink in, "So. everything I remember, I DID experience?"
I nodded, "Yes."
"And, you know everything that's gonna happen to me?"
"Most things." I said softly.
"So you mean everyone on the ship knows too? Oh God, I don't want everyone to know all this about me Kotay. It's personal, a-and everyone on board knew the older me? What if I don't turn out exactly like him? What if everyone hates me coz I'm different? What-"
I cut Tom off in mid-sentence by hugging him to me, "Let's deal with this point by point, okay? Right, not everyone on this ship knows what you're experiencing. Kathryn only knows because she met you back on Earth, do you remember?" Tom shook his head, "And I only know what you've told me and what I have to from the rest of your life. Two, yes everyone on board knew the older you and you won't turn out different because once you get back to that age you will be the exact same guy with exactly the same memories. Even now you're pretty much the same as, well, you." I paused, "I know it's confusing honey, heck I'm even confused, but I promise once this is all over nothing will be different at all."
"Okay." Tom said softly. Suddenly he turned to me, his eyes serious and anxious, "We'll still be friends right? Promise me that Kotay. You've been the best to me a-and." he must have caught a glimpse of my face, "Oh God, we're not are we? We're not friends."
Sometimes I wish Tom were still four. He was a lot less observant back then. I sighed, reached across and squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, offering him a gentle smile, "We don't know each other as well as we do now. But, Tom I promise that if you still want to be friends, we will."
Then Tom did something that shocked me. He wrapped his arms around me and proceeded to hug me so tightly I found it hard to breathe. But it was a good feeling. Tom had lost some of his affection in his few teen years and I had strangely missed cuddling with him. He whispered softly, "I always want to be bestest friends with you, Kotay."
Tom looked up at me after a few minutes and breathed, "So THAT's why I remember Bugs. He's mine isn't he? That guy's quarters I got him from- that guy was me."
"Yes." I paused and smiled, "I haven't seen Bugs in a while, I was thinking maybe you'd abandoned him."
"No. I just don't need to carry him everywhere I go anymore. It's embarrassing."
"You didn't find it so embarrassing a few weeks ago."
"Shut up." Tom growled and swatted me playfully before cuddling into me again.
After a few minutes of this Tom slackened his grip and looked up at me, "Kotay? I have to know something. Am I an officer on the ship?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me what I do?" he asked softly.
I sighed and decided that I would tell him, he seemed so dependant on knowing this and I figured it wouldn't do any damage, "You are Lieutenant Tom Paris, Chief Helmsman and assistant medical officer."
"Really?" he asked, eyes widened and smile reappearing.
I nodded, "Why'd you want to know?"
"Because being a pilot is the one thing he can't do for me. I'm the only one there at the helm and there's no way my Dad can fake passing any pilot exams for me." Tom said happily. He smiled at me, "CHIEF helmsman? Wow."
"You're the best pilot I'VE ever seen Tom." I laugh softly, "Now that's all I'm telling you hotshot. Come on let's go home."
"Okay. Oh and Kotay?" I turn to him, "Thanks, for everything."
Thanks, MJ
***
I sat back and watched Tom over the top of my reports. He was sat cross- legged in front of the observation window drumming his fingers on the floor. He'd grown so much in the past few weeks. Tom was fourteen and had been through a very fast growth spurt. His personality had changed slightly too, and I had a feeling it was to do with some of the memories he was getting. He'd become a lot quieter and a lot tenser, not coming to me for comfort as much during the day. He'd also begun having infrequent nightmares and I'd wake up to his screams and find him trembling in bed, hiding under the covers. Then he'd spot me and clamp his arms around my neck, he told me he needed to reassure himself that he was with me and not back on Earth.
Tom had turned into just the teenager I'd expected him to. He was tall and lean, into keeping in shape with various sports. He'd got me into skiing and basketball and I'd introduced him to boxing and a few of the martial arts. His blonde hair now flopped over his head and his voice had broken a few days ago, his blue eyes told me more about his feelings than his voice ever could. Tom's personality was still basically the same; he was smart and quick-witted, but would still try to hold in some of his more acute feelings.
Suddenly Tom slammed his fist down on the floor and cursed quietly under his breath. I snapped my eyes up and put the reports down, tactfully ignoring the bad language "Tom? What's wrong?"
He stood up and started pacing the room and then stopped and looked at me, "Why can't I just do something for myself for once? Am I not good enough?"
I frowned, hoping this was something to do with one of his memories and not me. "Want to tell me?"
He sat down again on a single-seater couch across from me, "The Academy. H- he got me in. I didn't even have to take the test. And then he had the nerve to call me selfish for wanting to take it! How am I ever to know that I can do something off my own back? Or is that it? It is isn't it? I couldn't get in on my own. I can't do anything off my own back. But- I'm not even on Earth, I'm here. It hasn't happened, has it?" He clenched his fists in frustration, "I DON'T GET ANY OF THIS!" he yelled suddenly.
"Come here Tom." I motioned to the place next to me on the couch. He shuffled over miserably and curled up next to me. I put my arm around him and took a deep breath, "Okay, Tom I have to tell you something, but I can only tell you part of the story." Tom looked at me, his eyes curious, "Everything you're experiencing now, everything you remember each week- it's all happened. But this is the second time you're going through it."
Tom frowned at my bad explanation, "I don't get you."
I paused, choosing my words carefully, "A few months ago, you were an adult on board. You were still Tom Paris, still the same person you are now, just a little older. There was an accident and you were changed back to a child, with all your memories wiped. You will remember a part of them every week, like you're doing now, until you're back to your original age."
Tom took a minute for it to sink in, "So. everything I remember, I DID experience?"
I nodded, "Yes."
"And, you know everything that's gonna happen to me?"
"Most things." I said softly.
"So you mean everyone on the ship knows too? Oh God, I don't want everyone to know all this about me Kotay. It's personal, a-and everyone on board knew the older me? What if I don't turn out exactly like him? What if everyone hates me coz I'm different? What-"
I cut Tom off in mid-sentence by hugging him to me, "Let's deal with this point by point, okay? Right, not everyone on this ship knows what you're experiencing. Kathryn only knows because she met you back on Earth, do you remember?" Tom shook his head, "And I only know what you've told me and what I have to from the rest of your life. Two, yes everyone on board knew the older you and you won't turn out different because once you get back to that age you will be the exact same guy with exactly the same memories. Even now you're pretty much the same as, well, you." I paused, "I know it's confusing honey, heck I'm even confused, but I promise once this is all over nothing will be different at all."
"Okay." Tom said softly. Suddenly he turned to me, his eyes serious and anxious, "We'll still be friends right? Promise me that Kotay. You've been the best to me a-and." he must have caught a glimpse of my face, "Oh God, we're not are we? We're not friends."
Sometimes I wish Tom were still four. He was a lot less observant back then. I sighed, reached across and squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, offering him a gentle smile, "We don't know each other as well as we do now. But, Tom I promise that if you still want to be friends, we will."
Then Tom did something that shocked me. He wrapped his arms around me and proceeded to hug me so tightly I found it hard to breathe. But it was a good feeling. Tom had lost some of his affection in his few teen years and I had strangely missed cuddling with him. He whispered softly, "I always want to be bestest friends with you, Kotay."
Tom looked up at me after a few minutes and breathed, "So THAT's why I remember Bugs. He's mine isn't he? That guy's quarters I got him from- that guy was me."
"Yes." I paused and smiled, "I haven't seen Bugs in a while, I was thinking maybe you'd abandoned him."
"No. I just don't need to carry him everywhere I go anymore. It's embarrassing."
"You didn't find it so embarrassing a few weeks ago."
"Shut up." Tom growled and swatted me playfully before cuddling into me again.
After a few minutes of this Tom slackened his grip and looked up at me, "Kotay? I have to know something. Am I an officer on the ship?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me what I do?" he asked softly.
I sighed and decided that I would tell him, he seemed so dependant on knowing this and I figured it wouldn't do any damage, "You are Lieutenant Tom Paris, Chief Helmsman and assistant medical officer."
"Really?" he asked, eyes widened and smile reappearing.
I nodded, "Why'd you want to know?"
"Because being a pilot is the one thing he can't do for me. I'm the only one there at the helm and there's no way my Dad can fake passing any pilot exams for me." Tom said happily. He smiled at me, "CHIEF helmsman? Wow."
"You're the best pilot I'VE ever seen Tom." I laugh softly, "Now that's all I'm telling you hotshot. Come on let's go home."
"Okay. Oh and Kotay?" I turn to him, "Thanks, for everything."