Sorry for the *incredibly* slow update guys, but I've been in hospital for
the past few weeks after an extremely embarrassing incident involving a
stage light and my head. Anyway, here's the finale of Child's Play. It's
been divided into two parts to accommodate the C/P and non-C/P readers-
seen as I've been given so many different views about the eventual pairing.
This first part doesn't contain any C/P whatsoever, the second part has
mild C/P- nothing above a PG-13 rating and only implied m/m. But, hey, it's
cute. Part two will be up later tonight or early tomorrow morning- just two
more paragraphs to patch.
A huge thanks goes to everyone who helped with this fic- to Joey for inspiring, to the reviewers and to my beta readers- Leigh (Dazed & Confused), Lavender and Hannah (Pretend Daisy). And to Dr. Tobias for lending me his laptop.
Tom heard someone enter the room and spun around, hiding his screen. He saw that the person was Chakotay and relaxed a little, still hiding the screen. "What are you doing here, Kotay?" He asked brightly, plastering his biggest smile on his face.
Chakotay walked into their quarters saying, "I *do* live here too, Tom." He paused and sat next to Tom. Then he casually asked, "So how many encryption codes have you broken through so far?"
Tom painted a look of innocence, which didn't fool Chakotay for a second, across his face, "I don't know what you're talking about, Kotay."
Chakotay looked down at Tom and said softly, "The Captain's not stupid you know, and neither am I for that matter. She put alarms on those codes. Once you break through one, she's alerted and we can be here before you have chance to break through the next two."
Tom sighed, shutting his computer screen, "And I guess you're the result of Captain Janeway being alerted?"
"Kind of." Chakotay met Tom's blue eyes, "I know that you want to know things about your life, Tom, but there's a reason we won't let you into your files. They're not all that detailed and you may get the wrong idea about some things from there not being enough information. I don't want you to have to go through anymore than you are already."
Tom sighed, and then said, miserably, "But it's so horrible, Kotay, not knowing stuff about my own life."
"I can imagine that it *is* horrible, Tom. And I'm sorry, but I don't have the authority to let you in, even if I wanted to. Captain Janeway's only doing what she thinks is best for you."
"And you agree with her?"
"Yes. You know I only do what I feel is best for you."
Tom sighed, "Then I suppose it's probably best for me then." He lifted his laptop off his knee and put it on the table, asking, "How long to go until I'm back to normal?"
"Under four months." Chakotay whispered reassuringly.
"You make it sound as if it's only a short amount of time." He sighed again.
Chakotay smiled and hugged Tom, making the teenager laugh incredulously. He whispered, "It'll fly by."
*** "Tom! Tom, this is NOT funny! TOM! STOP!"
"Chakotay?" Chakotay stopped running and turned to Kathryn, panting for breath. She raised an eyebrow, "Problem?"
"Just a small one involving MATURITY!!!" Chakotay yelled down the corridor and heard a laugh coming in reply from around the corner.
Kathryn frowned at the Commander, who was apparently talking to nobody, and the bodiless giggling coming from down the empty corridor. "Care to elaborate?" She said softly.
"We had a diminutive discrepancy relating to roller blades, darting around the decks and being seventeen. I informed Tom that he couldn't skate anymore because, surely, he must have grown out of it. However, he decided to skate around the deck even though I told him numerous times it was against regulations." Chakotay realized that no amount of big words would make it sound better, "Then there was the small matter of bets and running and skating and blackmailing."
Kathryn just looked at him incredulously, "Whatever you do in your free time, Commander." and she walked off.
Chakotay smiled sweetly and watched Kathryn round the corner. As soon as he was sure she was out of sight and earshot, he dove in the opposite direction, yelling, "TOM! How many times? You're not allowed to blade around the-"
Chakotay crashed straight into Tom who fell to the floor, and they both collapsed into fits of giggles. Tom cuffed Chakotay lightly, "Kotay, I'll never be able to get up now!"
Chakotay laughed, "You are SUCH a kid, Tom Paris! Honestly, I never had this much trouble even when you were a toddler."
"What? You kept me tied up?" Tom asked teasingly, wobbling to his feet.
"No, you were quite content playing with your fairies in the holodeck."
"Don't even remind me." Tom cringed, "Well maybe I'm just experiencing a second, no third, um. another childhood. Gods, this is weird."
"It's weird for me too you know."
"Yeah, but not as bad as it is for me. This really HAS felt like seventeen years even though it's only been, what, four months?"
"Mmm. I'm glad you're happy though." Chakotay walked next to Tom, who was slowly gliding from foot to foot, "Want to go and play with the flying dragons then?"
Tom rolled his eyes, grinned cheekily and darted off down the corridors.
*** Tom entered the Mess Hall, having to resort to dinner in there since his rations were seriously depleted. Wondering where Neelix was, he grabbed a plate of the most edible substance there. Then, frowning and thinking for a second, he looked behind the counter and spotted them. He'd found Neelix's secret store of cookies when he was about seven and he'd raided the stash ever since. They were one of the few things Neelix could make which tasted actually really nice. He grabbed a few of the chocolate chip snacks and added them to his tray. Looking around for somewhere to sit Tom spotted Chakotay at a table in the corner and headed over. "Hey, Kotay."
"Hi." Chakotay moved his tray back so Tom's could fit on, "Since when did you start getting preferential treatment in the dessert department?" he raised an eyebrow, which told Tom he'd been watching him.
"Since Neelix started feeling sorry for me and leaving them there. I used to think I was really clever in finding them, and found it strangely incredibly funny that Neelix would probably spend hours looking for them. But I eventually realised that it was all a set-up from day one. Want one?" he offered, shrugging.
"No, thanks."
"You're missing out, Kotay." Tom shrugged, took a mouthful of his dinner and then looked up at Chakotay, "Aren't you on shift?"
"Believe it or not, I'm allowed a lunch break."
Tom laughed softly and picked at the fluorescent substance, "I wanted to ask you something."
"Go on."
"Do you want me to move back to my old quarters? I mean, you can't sleep on the couch anymore, it's not fair."
Chakotay sipped his tea, "Do you WANT to move out?"
"Well, not really, but-"
"Chakotay smiled, "Then stay. Until your memories have finished coming back."
"Then at least let me take the couch."
"I'll be fine on the couch, we've become accustomed to each other, it's practically the same size as a single bed anyway. Besides, it'd take forever for me to get all your stuff out of my room. Spirits know what you keep in there."
"I'm not one for tidiness; y'know a rebelling against, um, my first upbringing. Are you sure you don't mind?"
"Positive. And don't keep on asking me; if I change my mind I'll let you know."
Tom smiled, "Thanks." Then he frowned, "Hey, Kotay, why didn't you just replicate another bed? You could've used the larger item standard replicators in engineering."
Chakotay raised an eyebrow, "I was looking after a holodeck and chocolate obsessed toddler and myself and I'm supposed to be able to afford a bed?"
"Aw, I'm sorry." Tom nibbled at a cookie, "You know something, Kotay? You're the best.
*** Tom walked into the resort and spotted Chakotay lying on the sand. He headed over to him, grabbing a glass of lemonade from the bar on his way there, "Kotay? Can I ask you something?"
***
I looked up to see Tom walk up to me and settle on the sand. I knocked my sunshades back down over my eyes and sat up, saying, "Sure. Ask away."
"You know tonight?"
I sighed; this was going to be a big one. I knew Tom very well by now; he would drag out asking a big question out as long as he could, afraid of getting the answer that wasn't desired. "Yes, Tom."
"You know how we usually go to the observation lounge?" I nodded, and Tom took a deep breath, "Well, there's a party at Sandrine's, and I was thinking maybe we could go to that instead."
I took a deep breath. Any other night, any other week, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. But *tonight*. "Tom, tonight's not so good. I don't think you should go out tonight, we should probably just relax tonight."
"Why?"
Gods, I couldn't tell him that. He'd have to find this out for himself. I wouldn't be able to explain it right. "I can't tell you, Tom. I just think you'd be better off without a huge crowd tonight."
"But, I don't see why. I love Sandrine's. You can come you know, in fact I love it when you come too."
He didn't get it. "I know, Tom, and I'm not stopping you going, I'm just telling you what I think."
Tom frowned at me, "You just don't want anyone else to be with me. Gods, Kotay, it's only one week and I am an adult now in case you hadn't noticed." He paused, obviously warring with the desire to be a rebellious twenty-something and the reluctance to hurt me. Eventually he said, so quietly that I could tell he was uncertain, "I'm going."
"Tom-"
He suddenly stood up and glared at me, "No. I'm going, Chakotay."
He stormed out, leaving me shocked and hurt. It wasn't the fact that Tom had just got mad and stomped out of the resort, it was what he had called me- Chakotay. He'd always called me Kotay. Ever since I first met this Tom Paris it had been nothing but Kotay. I found it incredibly weird that being called by my name could hurt so much. I did understand Tom's thought process though; he simply didn't know what was coming. I sighed and lay back, thinking that Tom would find out soon enough.
And I'd still be there for him.
*** Tom laughed and downed the last of his beer. This holo-Sandrine's was so much like the real thing back in Marseilles. Well, apparently he'd created it so it came as no surprise everything was how he liked. He walked around the pool table and teased Harry while leaning on his cue. He'd found himself to be pretty good at pool, even though his old way of using his hands was still a whole lot easier.
He finished off his turn, missing potting the six ball by mere millimetres, and checked his watch. Five minutes to midnight. He looked around and sighed, he was surprised Chakotay hadn't turned up. Tom felt bad for getting mad earlier. He knew Chakotay wasn't selfish, he just couldn't figure out why Chakotay didn't want him to go to the party. Tom knew Chakotay was usually right about these things, but there couldn't be anything about to go wrong in his life. It was all going so well. He was excelling at the Academy, mostly without his father's help, and he was on the ski team with all his best friends. Yeah, at the moment, both his lives were going great.
Tom watched Harry almost clean up the table and step aside to allow Tom his shot. Tom stood over the table, aimed, pulled his cue back and froze. His heart stopped and he stared straight forward, past the green of the table to the yellows and whites of the explosion that killed his three best friends. He looked up slowly, "Oh, shit." He breathed.
Harry looked towards the young pilot who was looking very pale, "Tom? Are you okay?"
Tom blinked the tears from out of his eyes and offered Harry a very fake smile, "I-I'm sorry, Haz, I gotta go. I-I'll see you later." Tom darted out of Sandrine's, tears now falling liberally down his cheeks.
Tom knew where he'd find his best friend and he instinctively ran for the observation lounge. He hated himself for not listening to Chakotay. Chakotay had known something bad was going to happen, why hadn't he taken any notice?
The pilot burst through the door and saw Chakotay sitting on the couch, looking straight across the room at him. Tom batted at his tears and ordered a privacy lock. Chakotay was looking at him expectedly with a sympathetic, understanding smile. As Tom knew would be true, there was absolutely no trace of a condescending 'I told you so' look on the Commander's face.
Tom began to speak shakily, "Kotay, I'm so, so sorry. I should have listened to you. You're always right about these things. I'm sorry." He paused, unable to speak coherently anymore. All that was running through his mind now was the sight of that explosion. The last words of his best friends. The dazed lies he told. All he could think of was the fact that they were dead, and that was all his fault. "I killed them, Kotay." He sobbed.
Chakotay stood up and silently moved towards Tom, wrapping his arms comfortingly around the pilot. Tom felt the warm embrace and knew that he didn't deserve something so affectionate. He didn't deserve something so kind, not him, not a *murderer*. At that thought Tom finally let loose, crying into the his best friend's chest, mourning his loss for the second time.
Chakotay carded his fingers through Tom's soft blonde hair and whispered soothingly to him, attempting to quiet the broken man. Keeping his arms tight around the pilot, he led Tom to the couch and cuddled up with him, gently cradling the young man in his arms. Chakotay sighed heavily. Whenever something threatened Tom like this, the pilot always reverted back to his affectionate, needy toddler state- needing the physical comfort to reassure him that he was cared about.
Chakotay felt Tom burying into the safety of their embrace and could hear him snuffling for comfort. The Commander extended his hand a little and traced a finger over the back of Tom's pale hand, whispering softly, "It wasn't your fault, Tom, you know it wasn't."
Shaking his head violently, Tom stammered, "B-but it *was*, Kotay, I shouldn't have."
Before Tom could spiral into depression, Chakotay interrupted him with a soothing, "Tom, it was a mistake, okay?"
"I didn't even tell the truth about it!" Tom protested, "I should have told them, Kotay, not blamed it on someone else. I was just so. so confused, and, they're *dead*, Kotay! I didn't know what to do, I was so scared."
"Anyone would be." Chakotay rocked Tom gently and sighed, "You do tell the truth, Tom. Eventually you go back and tell the real story. What's the last thing you remember?"
Tom laid his head on Chakotay's shoulder, still craving comfort, "I've just been assigned to the USS Copernicus."
"You're not too far away from it. From what I remember you were only on the Copernicus a few months before you go back and tell the truth. No-one blames you."
"No one *blames* me? I killed three people and no one blames me? That's screwed."
"Tom! You did *not* kill those people! You made a pilot error which ended in disaster but you didn't do it on purpose, so it therefore wasn't your fault."
Tom tried to pull himself closer into Chakotay, to crawl into the man's skin, "I'm sorry, Kotay. I was horrible to you. Jeez, you've done nothing but be good to me ever since I can remember and what do I do? I go and ignore you, when you're only looking out for me. Oh, Kotay, you must hate me."
Chakotay turned Tom so he was looking straight into his eyes, "Don't you ever say that. Of course I don't hate you, Tom. There was no way you could have known about what you've remembered. Don't worry, I'm fine and we're fine. You've beaten yourself up over this once before, please try not to do it again."
"I'll try, Kotay, I promise. But it's just such a huge shock."
Chakotay felt Tom lean back into his arms and the pilot let out a huge sigh of relief. "Do you remember the first time we came in here?" Chakotay asked softly.
"You'll have to jog my memory. I don't think I remember it. Um, I was staying with the Doc wasn't I?"
"Uh-huh. You were about three and you escaped from him and decided to hurtle around Voyager at warp speed. Unfortunately you crashed into me. You informed me that you wanted to go and see the stars. So I brought you here, and you just sat for a good few hours staring at them. They seemed to comfort you."
Tom smiled, glancing out of the window, "They do. It just seems so peaceful out there. And because everything's so vast, I find it kinda puts things into perspective. So is that when I came to stay with you?"
"Almost. The next day you did. It was supposed to be just for one night, but here we are six months later."
Tom laughed, "I always knew how to get my own way." He paused, "So when do I meet you in my, um, other life?"
"Soon."
"Is that as much as I'm getting?"
Chakotay laughed a little, "Yes."
Tom smiled and snuggled again, "That's a relief really. I've had enough to cope with tonight. Jeez, I had a miserable life."
Chakotay squeezed Tom reassuringly, "Just remember I'm here." He looked down at Tom, "Want to go home?"
"Can we stay here for a while?"
"Sure we can, Tom. Anything you need."
Tom smiled and cuddled into Chakotay, feeling safe in his arms. He closed his eyes, but immediately snapped them open again. He *remembered*. He *remembered* being held in Chakotay's lap the first time he'd come here. He remembered snuggling into the giant, deciding to make friends with this one. Tom grinned and shook his head. Maybe he wasn't such a little kid anymore, but he still felt just as good when he was snuggled up with his bestest friend.
A huge thanks goes to everyone who helped with this fic- to Joey for inspiring, to the reviewers and to my beta readers- Leigh (Dazed & Confused), Lavender and Hannah (Pretend Daisy). And to Dr. Tobias for lending me his laptop.
Tom heard someone enter the room and spun around, hiding his screen. He saw that the person was Chakotay and relaxed a little, still hiding the screen. "What are you doing here, Kotay?" He asked brightly, plastering his biggest smile on his face.
Chakotay walked into their quarters saying, "I *do* live here too, Tom." He paused and sat next to Tom. Then he casually asked, "So how many encryption codes have you broken through so far?"
Tom painted a look of innocence, which didn't fool Chakotay for a second, across his face, "I don't know what you're talking about, Kotay."
Chakotay looked down at Tom and said softly, "The Captain's not stupid you know, and neither am I for that matter. She put alarms on those codes. Once you break through one, she's alerted and we can be here before you have chance to break through the next two."
Tom sighed, shutting his computer screen, "And I guess you're the result of Captain Janeway being alerted?"
"Kind of." Chakotay met Tom's blue eyes, "I know that you want to know things about your life, Tom, but there's a reason we won't let you into your files. They're not all that detailed and you may get the wrong idea about some things from there not being enough information. I don't want you to have to go through anymore than you are already."
Tom sighed, and then said, miserably, "But it's so horrible, Kotay, not knowing stuff about my own life."
"I can imagine that it *is* horrible, Tom. And I'm sorry, but I don't have the authority to let you in, even if I wanted to. Captain Janeway's only doing what she thinks is best for you."
"And you agree with her?"
"Yes. You know I only do what I feel is best for you."
Tom sighed, "Then I suppose it's probably best for me then." He lifted his laptop off his knee and put it on the table, asking, "How long to go until I'm back to normal?"
"Under four months." Chakotay whispered reassuringly.
"You make it sound as if it's only a short amount of time." He sighed again.
Chakotay smiled and hugged Tom, making the teenager laugh incredulously. He whispered, "It'll fly by."
*** "Tom! Tom, this is NOT funny! TOM! STOP!"
"Chakotay?" Chakotay stopped running and turned to Kathryn, panting for breath. She raised an eyebrow, "Problem?"
"Just a small one involving MATURITY!!!" Chakotay yelled down the corridor and heard a laugh coming in reply from around the corner.
Kathryn frowned at the Commander, who was apparently talking to nobody, and the bodiless giggling coming from down the empty corridor. "Care to elaborate?" She said softly.
"We had a diminutive discrepancy relating to roller blades, darting around the decks and being seventeen. I informed Tom that he couldn't skate anymore because, surely, he must have grown out of it. However, he decided to skate around the deck even though I told him numerous times it was against regulations." Chakotay realized that no amount of big words would make it sound better, "Then there was the small matter of bets and running and skating and blackmailing."
Kathryn just looked at him incredulously, "Whatever you do in your free time, Commander." and she walked off.
Chakotay smiled sweetly and watched Kathryn round the corner. As soon as he was sure she was out of sight and earshot, he dove in the opposite direction, yelling, "TOM! How many times? You're not allowed to blade around the-"
Chakotay crashed straight into Tom who fell to the floor, and they both collapsed into fits of giggles. Tom cuffed Chakotay lightly, "Kotay, I'll never be able to get up now!"
Chakotay laughed, "You are SUCH a kid, Tom Paris! Honestly, I never had this much trouble even when you were a toddler."
"What? You kept me tied up?" Tom asked teasingly, wobbling to his feet.
"No, you were quite content playing with your fairies in the holodeck."
"Don't even remind me." Tom cringed, "Well maybe I'm just experiencing a second, no third, um. another childhood. Gods, this is weird."
"It's weird for me too you know."
"Yeah, but not as bad as it is for me. This really HAS felt like seventeen years even though it's only been, what, four months?"
"Mmm. I'm glad you're happy though." Chakotay walked next to Tom, who was slowly gliding from foot to foot, "Want to go and play with the flying dragons then?"
Tom rolled his eyes, grinned cheekily and darted off down the corridors.
*** Tom entered the Mess Hall, having to resort to dinner in there since his rations were seriously depleted. Wondering where Neelix was, he grabbed a plate of the most edible substance there. Then, frowning and thinking for a second, he looked behind the counter and spotted them. He'd found Neelix's secret store of cookies when he was about seven and he'd raided the stash ever since. They were one of the few things Neelix could make which tasted actually really nice. He grabbed a few of the chocolate chip snacks and added them to his tray. Looking around for somewhere to sit Tom spotted Chakotay at a table in the corner and headed over. "Hey, Kotay."
"Hi." Chakotay moved his tray back so Tom's could fit on, "Since when did you start getting preferential treatment in the dessert department?" he raised an eyebrow, which told Tom he'd been watching him.
"Since Neelix started feeling sorry for me and leaving them there. I used to think I was really clever in finding them, and found it strangely incredibly funny that Neelix would probably spend hours looking for them. But I eventually realised that it was all a set-up from day one. Want one?" he offered, shrugging.
"No, thanks."
"You're missing out, Kotay." Tom shrugged, took a mouthful of his dinner and then looked up at Chakotay, "Aren't you on shift?"
"Believe it or not, I'm allowed a lunch break."
Tom laughed softly and picked at the fluorescent substance, "I wanted to ask you something."
"Go on."
"Do you want me to move back to my old quarters? I mean, you can't sleep on the couch anymore, it's not fair."
Chakotay sipped his tea, "Do you WANT to move out?"
"Well, not really, but-"
"Chakotay smiled, "Then stay. Until your memories have finished coming back."
"Then at least let me take the couch."
"I'll be fine on the couch, we've become accustomed to each other, it's practically the same size as a single bed anyway. Besides, it'd take forever for me to get all your stuff out of my room. Spirits know what you keep in there."
"I'm not one for tidiness; y'know a rebelling against, um, my first upbringing. Are you sure you don't mind?"
"Positive. And don't keep on asking me; if I change my mind I'll let you know."
Tom smiled, "Thanks." Then he frowned, "Hey, Kotay, why didn't you just replicate another bed? You could've used the larger item standard replicators in engineering."
Chakotay raised an eyebrow, "I was looking after a holodeck and chocolate obsessed toddler and myself and I'm supposed to be able to afford a bed?"
"Aw, I'm sorry." Tom nibbled at a cookie, "You know something, Kotay? You're the best.
*** Tom walked into the resort and spotted Chakotay lying on the sand. He headed over to him, grabbing a glass of lemonade from the bar on his way there, "Kotay? Can I ask you something?"
***
I looked up to see Tom walk up to me and settle on the sand. I knocked my sunshades back down over my eyes and sat up, saying, "Sure. Ask away."
"You know tonight?"
I sighed; this was going to be a big one. I knew Tom very well by now; he would drag out asking a big question out as long as he could, afraid of getting the answer that wasn't desired. "Yes, Tom."
"You know how we usually go to the observation lounge?" I nodded, and Tom took a deep breath, "Well, there's a party at Sandrine's, and I was thinking maybe we could go to that instead."
I took a deep breath. Any other night, any other week, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. But *tonight*. "Tom, tonight's not so good. I don't think you should go out tonight, we should probably just relax tonight."
"Why?"
Gods, I couldn't tell him that. He'd have to find this out for himself. I wouldn't be able to explain it right. "I can't tell you, Tom. I just think you'd be better off without a huge crowd tonight."
"But, I don't see why. I love Sandrine's. You can come you know, in fact I love it when you come too."
He didn't get it. "I know, Tom, and I'm not stopping you going, I'm just telling you what I think."
Tom frowned at me, "You just don't want anyone else to be with me. Gods, Kotay, it's only one week and I am an adult now in case you hadn't noticed." He paused, obviously warring with the desire to be a rebellious twenty-something and the reluctance to hurt me. Eventually he said, so quietly that I could tell he was uncertain, "I'm going."
"Tom-"
He suddenly stood up and glared at me, "No. I'm going, Chakotay."
He stormed out, leaving me shocked and hurt. It wasn't the fact that Tom had just got mad and stomped out of the resort, it was what he had called me- Chakotay. He'd always called me Kotay. Ever since I first met this Tom Paris it had been nothing but Kotay. I found it incredibly weird that being called by my name could hurt so much. I did understand Tom's thought process though; he simply didn't know what was coming. I sighed and lay back, thinking that Tom would find out soon enough.
And I'd still be there for him.
*** Tom laughed and downed the last of his beer. This holo-Sandrine's was so much like the real thing back in Marseilles. Well, apparently he'd created it so it came as no surprise everything was how he liked. He walked around the pool table and teased Harry while leaning on his cue. He'd found himself to be pretty good at pool, even though his old way of using his hands was still a whole lot easier.
He finished off his turn, missing potting the six ball by mere millimetres, and checked his watch. Five minutes to midnight. He looked around and sighed, he was surprised Chakotay hadn't turned up. Tom felt bad for getting mad earlier. He knew Chakotay wasn't selfish, he just couldn't figure out why Chakotay didn't want him to go to the party. Tom knew Chakotay was usually right about these things, but there couldn't be anything about to go wrong in his life. It was all going so well. He was excelling at the Academy, mostly without his father's help, and he was on the ski team with all his best friends. Yeah, at the moment, both his lives were going great.
Tom watched Harry almost clean up the table and step aside to allow Tom his shot. Tom stood over the table, aimed, pulled his cue back and froze. His heart stopped and he stared straight forward, past the green of the table to the yellows and whites of the explosion that killed his three best friends. He looked up slowly, "Oh, shit." He breathed.
Harry looked towards the young pilot who was looking very pale, "Tom? Are you okay?"
Tom blinked the tears from out of his eyes and offered Harry a very fake smile, "I-I'm sorry, Haz, I gotta go. I-I'll see you later." Tom darted out of Sandrine's, tears now falling liberally down his cheeks.
Tom knew where he'd find his best friend and he instinctively ran for the observation lounge. He hated himself for not listening to Chakotay. Chakotay had known something bad was going to happen, why hadn't he taken any notice?
The pilot burst through the door and saw Chakotay sitting on the couch, looking straight across the room at him. Tom batted at his tears and ordered a privacy lock. Chakotay was looking at him expectedly with a sympathetic, understanding smile. As Tom knew would be true, there was absolutely no trace of a condescending 'I told you so' look on the Commander's face.
Tom began to speak shakily, "Kotay, I'm so, so sorry. I should have listened to you. You're always right about these things. I'm sorry." He paused, unable to speak coherently anymore. All that was running through his mind now was the sight of that explosion. The last words of his best friends. The dazed lies he told. All he could think of was the fact that they were dead, and that was all his fault. "I killed them, Kotay." He sobbed.
Chakotay stood up and silently moved towards Tom, wrapping his arms comfortingly around the pilot. Tom felt the warm embrace and knew that he didn't deserve something so affectionate. He didn't deserve something so kind, not him, not a *murderer*. At that thought Tom finally let loose, crying into the his best friend's chest, mourning his loss for the second time.
Chakotay carded his fingers through Tom's soft blonde hair and whispered soothingly to him, attempting to quiet the broken man. Keeping his arms tight around the pilot, he led Tom to the couch and cuddled up with him, gently cradling the young man in his arms. Chakotay sighed heavily. Whenever something threatened Tom like this, the pilot always reverted back to his affectionate, needy toddler state- needing the physical comfort to reassure him that he was cared about.
Chakotay felt Tom burying into the safety of their embrace and could hear him snuffling for comfort. The Commander extended his hand a little and traced a finger over the back of Tom's pale hand, whispering softly, "It wasn't your fault, Tom, you know it wasn't."
Shaking his head violently, Tom stammered, "B-but it *was*, Kotay, I shouldn't have."
Before Tom could spiral into depression, Chakotay interrupted him with a soothing, "Tom, it was a mistake, okay?"
"I didn't even tell the truth about it!" Tom protested, "I should have told them, Kotay, not blamed it on someone else. I was just so. so confused, and, they're *dead*, Kotay! I didn't know what to do, I was so scared."
"Anyone would be." Chakotay rocked Tom gently and sighed, "You do tell the truth, Tom. Eventually you go back and tell the real story. What's the last thing you remember?"
Tom laid his head on Chakotay's shoulder, still craving comfort, "I've just been assigned to the USS Copernicus."
"You're not too far away from it. From what I remember you were only on the Copernicus a few months before you go back and tell the truth. No-one blames you."
"No one *blames* me? I killed three people and no one blames me? That's screwed."
"Tom! You did *not* kill those people! You made a pilot error which ended in disaster but you didn't do it on purpose, so it therefore wasn't your fault."
Tom tried to pull himself closer into Chakotay, to crawl into the man's skin, "I'm sorry, Kotay. I was horrible to you. Jeez, you've done nothing but be good to me ever since I can remember and what do I do? I go and ignore you, when you're only looking out for me. Oh, Kotay, you must hate me."
Chakotay turned Tom so he was looking straight into his eyes, "Don't you ever say that. Of course I don't hate you, Tom. There was no way you could have known about what you've remembered. Don't worry, I'm fine and we're fine. You've beaten yourself up over this once before, please try not to do it again."
"I'll try, Kotay, I promise. But it's just such a huge shock."
Chakotay felt Tom lean back into his arms and the pilot let out a huge sigh of relief. "Do you remember the first time we came in here?" Chakotay asked softly.
"You'll have to jog my memory. I don't think I remember it. Um, I was staying with the Doc wasn't I?"
"Uh-huh. You were about three and you escaped from him and decided to hurtle around Voyager at warp speed. Unfortunately you crashed into me. You informed me that you wanted to go and see the stars. So I brought you here, and you just sat for a good few hours staring at them. They seemed to comfort you."
Tom smiled, glancing out of the window, "They do. It just seems so peaceful out there. And because everything's so vast, I find it kinda puts things into perspective. So is that when I came to stay with you?"
"Almost. The next day you did. It was supposed to be just for one night, but here we are six months later."
Tom laughed, "I always knew how to get my own way." He paused, "So when do I meet you in my, um, other life?"
"Soon."
"Is that as much as I'm getting?"
Chakotay laughed a little, "Yes."
Tom smiled and snuggled again, "That's a relief really. I've had enough to cope with tonight. Jeez, I had a miserable life."
Chakotay squeezed Tom reassuringly, "Just remember I'm here." He looked down at Tom, "Want to go home?"
"Can we stay here for a while?"
"Sure we can, Tom. Anything you need."
Tom smiled and cuddled into Chakotay, feeling safe in his arms. He closed his eyes, but immediately snapped them open again. He *remembered*. He *remembered* being held in Chakotay's lap the first time he'd come here. He remembered snuggling into the giant, deciding to make friends with this one. Tom grinned and shook his head. Maybe he wasn't such a little kid anymore, but he still felt just as good when he was snuggled up with his bestest friend.