---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHAPTER Two : Working with the Past
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The campfire crackled as Legolas and I sat watching it, the horses had needed a rest, and I'll admit, I was getting a bit sore from riding. I leant against a nearby rock, and did not sit next to him, though he sat close to me, watching me all the time. I was drinking some of the wine that we had brought with us for the journey, my hood pulled down low. We barely spoke, and I knew it was worrying him.
I didn't really have any words of reassurance for I did not know where my feelings were going. He rose after poking at the fire with a stick and came over to crouch down next to me.
"Merilas. I'm going for a walk…will you be alright?" he asked softly, reaching out to touch my shoulder.
I nodded, not looking at him…that way I didn't have to see his expression. "Yes." I pulled my cloak around me, but I was not really cold, I just…wanted to shut him out…shut out everything around me. I stared at the fire, and when I looked up again, he was off.
I sighed, leaning back again, my gaze rose from the fire to the sky, it was odd…seeing all the stars sparkling down. It was a clear sky and the moon was bright. What could I do though? I didn't want what he wanted right now. I couldn't… I drew my knees close to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs gazing up at the sky. "Elbereth, what is it you want from me?" I asked the stars, but received no answer.
I closed my eyes…always a mistake really…for that was when the images came back to haunt me. I felt my forehead perspire a little for the back of my neck was tingling, I could almost feel Shagrat…his clawed fingers…on my shoulder. I cringed. His hands on any part of me had always made me shiver. He had a way of looking at me that made me feel as though I belonged to him. I couldn't shake the feeling, even though he was dead. I could still hear his laughter…still smell his breath.
I struggled…as I always did…but he held my arm. "No…no…" I cried out…then I opened my eyes, and it was not Shagrat…but Legolas…that was in my view. The Prince was staring at me in confusion and hurt as he tried to figure out what was going on. It took a while for me to focus and see him.
He touched my face and I shivered…then he drew me into his arms and held me. I didn't cry…I was beyond that, but I let him hold me. I let him try and comfort me, but I knew that it was little…that it was only a first step in a long process. He tilted my chin so that I had to look into his eyes if I opened mine.
"You're safe now." he promised me gently. "I won't let anything happen to you."
How could he promise something like that? He didn't know what the future held, none of us really did. I didn't know if I trusted myself to be happy…to let him make me happy. I didn't know if I could give him what he wanted. He smiled at me then…as he gazed at me. How he could stand to look at me…I didn't know.
"Legolas…" I tried to speak but he put a finger to my lips.
"Shh." he shook his head, "Its alright, you don't have to talk about it." he smiled warmly. He leaned forward and kissed me softly on the lips without any pressure, just a feather light touch. There was no urgency to the kiss, nor expectations, nor demands…he simply just kissed me. "Just know that you're safe." he continued to smile and then held me as I looked away in confusion.
"I don't know why you want to do this…I can't…" I began softly, as he cradled me. "I.."
"Just take your time…" His soft voice was filled with patience that I knew he wished he didn't have to demonstrate. His self-control was legendary in Mirkwood. I knew that he would never force me or ask me to do anything. He knew he only had a year with me, and it was just a fleeting moment in time to an elf. An hour…in a lifetime.
That particular hour though…was everything. I also knew that he was sacrificing a lot to even have that. For he would stay behind here when I left, and he would endure. I wished that I didn't have to do that to him, but he did not seem to want it any other way. He was glad of that hour.
"Time…" I echoed the word, and my eyes did not close as I lay my head against his shoulder, listening to the beating of his heart. I had never even…well…"Legolas…?"
"Yes?"
"I don't know what to say…how to act…what …you want…"
"I want nothing." he said after a short pause and a slight intake of breath. "I can live just being with you…"
"I'm afraid…I don't know if I can face them…at home…"
"Father wishes to see you…and there are many there who would welcome that you are safe." Legolas' voice was calm and steady, and I wished I had half of his control.
"I did terrible things…" I whispered.
"You had no choice." he countered softly, "You must not think of things like that again, Merilas. That is the past. It has nothing to do with us now…"
"But it has everything to do with us…" I looked back up at him, "Everything…"
He sighed softly and continued to hold me. "What you have and have not done does not change what I feel for you, Meri. I swore long ago to you, yet you did not know. Things happen…life happens…It doesn't make a difference."
"If you knew…if…If I told you you wouldn't say that…" I shook my head. "I have done things, Legolas, that would make your blood run cold with hatred of me…."
"Nothing that you could have done would do that. Nothing…" He fixed his eternal gaze on me, holding mine without a doubt in his mind. "I will always love you."
"Will you." I doubted that….but I did not voice my opinion just then. I knew he wasn't ready to hear the things that had happened…what I had done. He was not ready…I didn't know if he'd -ever- be ready.
"Yes." his jaw set in determination.
* * *
CHAPTER Two : Working with the Past
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The campfire crackled as Legolas and I sat watching it, the horses had needed a rest, and I'll admit, I was getting a bit sore from riding. I leant against a nearby rock, and did not sit next to him, though he sat close to me, watching me all the time. I was drinking some of the wine that we had brought with us for the journey, my hood pulled down low. We barely spoke, and I knew it was worrying him.
I didn't really have any words of reassurance for I did not know where my feelings were going. He rose after poking at the fire with a stick and came over to crouch down next to me.
"Merilas. I'm going for a walk…will you be alright?" he asked softly, reaching out to touch my shoulder.
I nodded, not looking at him…that way I didn't have to see his expression. "Yes." I pulled my cloak around me, but I was not really cold, I just…wanted to shut him out…shut out everything around me. I stared at the fire, and when I looked up again, he was off.
I sighed, leaning back again, my gaze rose from the fire to the sky, it was odd…seeing all the stars sparkling down. It was a clear sky and the moon was bright. What could I do though? I didn't want what he wanted right now. I couldn't… I drew my knees close to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs gazing up at the sky. "Elbereth, what is it you want from me?" I asked the stars, but received no answer.
I closed my eyes…always a mistake really…for that was when the images came back to haunt me. I felt my forehead perspire a little for the back of my neck was tingling, I could almost feel Shagrat…his clawed fingers…on my shoulder. I cringed. His hands on any part of me had always made me shiver. He had a way of looking at me that made me feel as though I belonged to him. I couldn't shake the feeling, even though he was dead. I could still hear his laughter…still smell his breath.
I struggled…as I always did…but he held my arm. "No…no…" I cried out…then I opened my eyes, and it was not Shagrat…but Legolas…that was in my view. The Prince was staring at me in confusion and hurt as he tried to figure out what was going on. It took a while for me to focus and see him.
He touched my face and I shivered…then he drew me into his arms and held me. I didn't cry…I was beyond that, but I let him hold me. I let him try and comfort me, but I knew that it was little…that it was only a first step in a long process. He tilted my chin so that I had to look into his eyes if I opened mine.
"You're safe now." he promised me gently. "I won't let anything happen to you."
How could he promise something like that? He didn't know what the future held, none of us really did. I didn't know if I trusted myself to be happy…to let him make me happy. I didn't know if I could give him what he wanted. He smiled at me then…as he gazed at me. How he could stand to look at me…I didn't know.
"Legolas…" I tried to speak but he put a finger to my lips.
"Shh." he shook his head, "Its alright, you don't have to talk about it." he smiled warmly. He leaned forward and kissed me softly on the lips without any pressure, just a feather light touch. There was no urgency to the kiss, nor expectations, nor demands…he simply just kissed me. "Just know that you're safe." he continued to smile and then held me as I looked away in confusion.
"I don't know why you want to do this…I can't…" I began softly, as he cradled me. "I.."
"Just take your time…" His soft voice was filled with patience that I knew he wished he didn't have to demonstrate. His self-control was legendary in Mirkwood. I knew that he would never force me or ask me to do anything. He knew he only had a year with me, and it was just a fleeting moment in time to an elf. An hour…in a lifetime.
That particular hour though…was everything. I also knew that he was sacrificing a lot to even have that. For he would stay behind here when I left, and he would endure. I wished that I didn't have to do that to him, but he did not seem to want it any other way. He was glad of that hour.
"Time…" I echoed the word, and my eyes did not close as I lay my head against his shoulder, listening to the beating of his heart. I had never even…well…"Legolas…?"
"Yes?"
"I don't know what to say…how to act…what …you want…"
"I want nothing." he said after a short pause and a slight intake of breath. "I can live just being with you…"
"I'm afraid…I don't know if I can face them…at home…"
"Father wishes to see you…and there are many there who would welcome that you are safe." Legolas' voice was calm and steady, and I wished I had half of his control.
"I did terrible things…" I whispered.
"You had no choice." he countered softly, "You must not think of things like that again, Merilas. That is the past. It has nothing to do with us now…"
"But it has everything to do with us…" I looked back up at him, "Everything…"
He sighed softly and continued to hold me. "What you have and have not done does not change what I feel for you, Meri. I swore long ago to you, yet you did not know. Things happen…life happens…It doesn't make a difference."
"If you knew…if…If I told you you wouldn't say that…" I shook my head. "I have done things, Legolas, that would make your blood run cold with hatred of me…."
"Nothing that you could have done would do that. Nothing…" He fixed his eternal gaze on me, holding mine without a doubt in his mind. "I will always love you."
"Will you." I doubted that….but I did not voice my opinion just then. I knew he wasn't ready to hear the things that had happened…what I had done. He was not ready…I didn't know if he'd -ever- be ready.
"Yes." his jaw set in determination.
* * *