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CHAPTER Three : No more tasks.
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Shortly after, I lay in his arms, wrapped as secure as I would ever be. We were not sleeping, for that is not the way of the elves, but resting. I knew what he wanted from me, I just did not know if I could give it to him. To feel pleasure was not something that I thought myself capable of feeling and I did not want to disappoint him. It did feel nice to be in his arms. But it felt …fragile.
I don't know how to really describe it. I felt safe…but also felt that it couldn't last because of what had happened to me. He stirred, his fingers lacing through my hair and stroking my head gently.
"Legolas…I'm sorry." I whispered softly. \
He smiled and looked down at me with a soft expression, "Sorry for what?"
"I don't know…what to do…" I looked away from him and buried my face in his chest.
"Its alright." he nodded gently. "Merilas..you don't have to do anything. Just be with me, that's all I want. And be happy. You don't have to live in the past. Just…" he tilted my chin up. "I know you've suffered, and I know that you think there is nothing that you can give me. Being here…right now…is more than enough."
He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. At first I stiffened, not entirely sure I wanted this right now. He was patient though as his lips caressed mine. My mind was swirling. Part of me wanted it, but the other part of me wanted to run away. He was gentle and did not press with the kiss. As his tongue ventured to entwine with my own I began to shudder….I couldn't help it…visions were flooding my brain…The kiss lasted longer than others that he had given me, however, and he pulled away instantly when he felt me tremble.
"Legolas…" I shuddered. "Its only that….I remember…I'm sorry. You didn't hurt me…"
"I know." he sighed and took me back into his arms letting me rest against him. I didn't cry…just lay there. I could not get the image out of my head of the first night as a prisoner of the orcs. He rubbed his hand against my shoulder, trying to calm me down.
"I'm afraid of facing your father…and the others." I blurted out. "What am I going to say? How do I face people that I betrayed…"
"You betrayed no one, Merilas." he shook his head.
I disagreed, "I betrayed all elves, Legolas. I killed…I did not prevent others from hurting…I…killed in cold blood, Legolas. My master…" I shivered. "He was not armed when I killed him." suddenly it all began to pour out. "I…I didn't feel anything. I just wanted him to be dead. For everything…for what he'd done to Frodo, for what he'd done to me…for the others that were captured and didn't survive. I…was glad when he died. I planned it, Legolas. It was not an accident…"
I felt him grow a little stiff in shock but he relaxed, stroking my hair gently. "Shhh…its alright. I know it may seem like a betrayal." he began.."But you had no choice…"
"I did have a choice." I insisted. "I didn't have to kill him. But I did. My hands are tainted not only with Orc blood, Legolas. There were people who came to the tower that he made me…deal with. Frodo was the only one who made me feel again. I…."
"Merilas…listen to me." The Prince held my chin so I had to look directly at him. "What you did when you were a prisoner was not your fault. Nothing that happened was your fault. You were pushed to your limits…and even with elves…even with us…there is a breaking point. No matter what you did to survive…I'll not judge you. If you had not survived..I don't know what I would have done. So many times I thought you might be dead…and then…when Frodo said you were in that Tower, I thought for sure you must have been killed with the others. You have suffered so much, my love. I can't begin to grasp what they did to you when even…when even a kiss will bring back memories of terror. I will be patient and go step by step. You have nothing to fear from me. Our people will understand."
"Our people…" I sighed. Were they really my people anymore? I knew tongues that I would never have learned before. I knew of plants used for poison that could be used for healing. I knew more about the land of Mordor than any of my relations or any elf ever would. "Legolas…"
He nodded gently, caressing my cheek. My skin must have felt very rough against his fingers.
"Legolas, I will try."
"I know you will, Merilas. And that's all I ask." he assured me softly.
I wished then for some reason that that was not all I had to do. It felt strange…not being told what to do. It didn't feel…normal. I had grown so accustomed to being ordered around and to having daily tasks…I wasn't used to this. It was like being a fish out of water. I didn't even know how to try. I nestled against him, gazing up at the stars as our horses grazed in the field. When would I know what to do?
I couldn't answer that question, nobody really could.
CHAPTER Three : No more tasks.
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Shortly after, I lay in his arms, wrapped as secure as I would ever be. We were not sleeping, for that is not the way of the elves, but resting. I knew what he wanted from me, I just did not know if I could give it to him. To feel pleasure was not something that I thought myself capable of feeling and I did not want to disappoint him. It did feel nice to be in his arms. But it felt …fragile.
I don't know how to really describe it. I felt safe…but also felt that it couldn't last because of what had happened to me. He stirred, his fingers lacing through my hair and stroking my head gently.
"Legolas…I'm sorry." I whispered softly. \
He smiled and looked down at me with a soft expression, "Sorry for what?"
"I don't know…what to do…" I looked away from him and buried my face in his chest.
"Its alright." he nodded gently. "Merilas..you don't have to do anything. Just be with me, that's all I want. And be happy. You don't have to live in the past. Just…" he tilted my chin up. "I know you've suffered, and I know that you think there is nothing that you can give me. Being here…right now…is more than enough."
He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. At first I stiffened, not entirely sure I wanted this right now. He was patient though as his lips caressed mine. My mind was swirling. Part of me wanted it, but the other part of me wanted to run away. He was gentle and did not press with the kiss. As his tongue ventured to entwine with my own I began to shudder….I couldn't help it…visions were flooding my brain…The kiss lasted longer than others that he had given me, however, and he pulled away instantly when he felt me tremble.
"Legolas…" I shuddered. "Its only that….I remember…I'm sorry. You didn't hurt me…"
"I know." he sighed and took me back into his arms letting me rest against him. I didn't cry…just lay there. I could not get the image out of my head of the first night as a prisoner of the orcs. He rubbed his hand against my shoulder, trying to calm me down.
"I'm afraid of facing your father…and the others." I blurted out. "What am I going to say? How do I face people that I betrayed…"
"You betrayed no one, Merilas." he shook his head.
I disagreed, "I betrayed all elves, Legolas. I killed…I did not prevent others from hurting…I…killed in cold blood, Legolas. My master…" I shivered. "He was not armed when I killed him." suddenly it all began to pour out. "I…I didn't feel anything. I just wanted him to be dead. For everything…for what he'd done to Frodo, for what he'd done to me…for the others that were captured and didn't survive. I…was glad when he died. I planned it, Legolas. It was not an accident…"
I felt him grow a little stiff in shock but he relaxed, stroking my hair gently. "Shhh…its alright. I know it may seem like a betrayal." he began.."But you had no choice…"
"I did have a choice." I insisted. "I didn't have to kill him. But I did. My hands are tainted not only with Orc blood, Legolas. There were people who came to the tower that he made me…deal with. Frodo was the only one who made me feel again. I…."
"Merilas…listen to me." The Prince held my chin so I had to look directly at him. "What you did when you were a prisoner was not your fault. Nothing that happened was your fault. You were pushed to your limits…and even with elves…even with us…there is a breaking point. No matter what you did to survive…I'll not judge you. If you had not survived..I don't know what I would have done. So many times I thought you might be dead…and then…when Frodo said you were in that Tower, I thought for sure you must have been killed with the others. You have suffered so much, my love. I can't begin to grasp what they did to you when even…when even a kiss will bring back memories of terror. I will be patient and go step by step. You have nothing to fear from me. Our people will understand."
"Our people…" I sighed. Were they really my people anymore? I knew tongues that I would never have learned before. I knew of plants used for poison that could be used for healing. I knew more about the land of Mordor than any of my relations or any elf ever would. "Legolas…"
He nodded gently, caressing my cheek. My skin must have felt very rough against his fingers.
"Legolas, I will try."
"I know you will, Merilas. And that's all I ask." he assured me softly.
I wished then for some reason that that was not all I had to do. It felt strange…not being told what to do. It didn't feel…normal. I had grown so accustomed to being ordered around and to having daily tasks…I wasn't used to this. It was like being a fish out of water. I didn't even know how to try. I nestled against him, gazing up at the stars as our horses grazed in the field. When would I know what to do?
I couldn't answer that question, nobody really could.