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CHAPTER Four : Nerves
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We had stopped at an Inn for lunch on the way and I did my best to keep my hood over my face. Legolas was clearly not happy about it. People were always coming up to him because he was no well known in Middle Earth. I picked at my dinner, gazing at it without much of an appetite. I wondered how Frodo was dealing with things while Legolas was talking with a comrade in arms who had fought with him in the last battle with Sauron. My mind began to wander and went back to the tower as it often did.
I spent so many years there believing I'd never be anywhere else that it felt odd…being outside….eating a plate of regular food and hearing laughter and songs and general happiness. It was so different from screams and the constant moving of chains and equipment.
Would it have been any different had Legolas been the one captured and not I? I watched him and didn't think so, he would have found a way out. He wouldn't have let the Orcs keep him prisoner for long. He was strong and quick. I had the disadvantage of not being well-trained at the time…and having to learn in captivity.
Legolas had not done much more than kiss me yet. He knew I was uncomfortable with anything else. My body had so long been out of my control that I was not used to wanting or needing anyone. I thought back to the night before when we had started to do more than a kiss…but I had frozen.
I closed my eyes, remembering the incident clearly.
He had been kissing my neck…his fingers playing down my arms, and then working to unlace my dress. His delicate hands had moved underneath the material…and then I had felt him take one of my breasts. His soft fingers moved in almost slow motion, trailing over it. His kisses were intoxicating…they nearly succeeded in making me forget everything. I could feel his need for me in every movement he made. He was carefully working forward, slowly and naturally. He was doing his best not to push me…everything about him was as gentle as a summer breeze.
But at that moment, I closed my eyes, and tried with all my heart to respond to his touch without allowing the past to consume me. It did not work...my nerves were both enflamed and terrified. I lay there underneath him, and I didn't move, my hands had fallen away from where they had been…laced through his hair and I couldn't do anything. I hadn't willed this to happen, or wanted it to stop. I desperately wanted him to continue, but I couldn't think. I couldn't react…and above all…I couldn't erase the feeling of disgust from my heart.
At first he didn't notice…he was caught up in the moment, but gradually it began to sink in. He looked up at me, and searched my eyes….not understanding what it was he did wrong. Without another word…he'd simply laced my dress back up…and had taken me in his arms…allowing me to lie there without any further pressure. I knew that he possessed great amounts of control. He was a legend for it…but I never knew that a male could have done what he did.
I knew it was difficult for him…I had felt him doing what he could to control his breathing and his own desire. He'd done it for me, though…and he never once asked me why. I do not believe that he really understood. When I looked back at him a little while later he had an unreadable expression in his eyes. He seemed angry and sad…but not at me. I thought after a while…I had an idea what he was angry about. He was frustrated because he did not have the satisfaction of dealing with those who had done this to me.
Legolas leaned over and touched my arm gently when his friend went away, "Are you alright?" They were the first words we had spoken to each other since that time. "You're not eating…do you need to rest? They have rooms here…"
I looked up and met his eyes. He smiled at me gently and I knew then that he would really do just about anything to make sure that I was comfortable. I shook my head and didn't answer. I did not know really what to say to him. I knew he wanted me to talk to him…to tell him about everything that had happened to me…so he could understand…but I couldn't. I didn't want him to know…it would hurt him far more than me not being able to respond.
"Are you sure?" he tried his best not to look like it was bothering him, smiling. He sipped from his glass of wine watching me carefully.
"I'm sure." I said at last…for the first time that day I smiled back at him gravely….but it was a smile. "Legolas…I'm fine…just….nervous…."
"About what?" he moved his hand to lay over mine, holding it gently.
"We're so close to home now….I…I'm sorry about last night…" I looked at him and since I couldn't read his expression, then I looked away.
"Don't be sorry." he assured me. "And don't be afraid. Thranduil is ready to welcome you home as I am. Merilas everything will be alright." he smiled and lifted my hand to his lips kissing it gently. "Trust me."
I wished I could do that…trust again…it was so hard to even consider letting go of the past as it had such a hold on me. "I wish it was that easy."
Legolas took a deep breath, this was hard for him…he knew he did not have that much time with me…and I was moved by his next words; so moved that my heart leapt into my throat and I could not take my eyes from his. "Take your time. …all the time you need. I can wait…and it does not need to happen at all."
I knew what he meant…and I smiled then…a real smile this time. I nodded and we finished our meal in silence.
* * *
CHAPTER Four : Nerves
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We had stopped at an Inn for lunch on the way and I did my best to keep my hood over my face. Legolas was clearly not happy about it. People were always coming up to him because he was no well known in Middle Earth. I picked at my dinner, gazing at it without much of an appetite. I wondered how Frodo was dealing with things while Legolas was talking with a comrade in arms who had fought with him in the last battle with Sauron. My mind began to wander and went back to the tower as it often did.
I spent so many years there believing I'd never be anywhere else that it felt odd…being outside….eating a plate of regular food and hearing laughter and songs and general happiness. It was so different from screams and the constant moving of chains and equipment.
Would it have been any different had Legolas been the one captured and not I? I watched him and didn't think so, he would have found a way out. He wouldn't have let the Orcs keep him prisoner for long. He was strong and quick. I had the disadvantage of not being well-trained at the time…and having to learn in captivity.
Legolas had not done much more than kiss me yet. He knew I was uncomfortable with anything else. My body had so long been out of my control that I was not used to wanting or needing anyone. I thought back to the night before when we had started to do more than a kiss…but I had frozen.
I closed my eyes, remembering the incident clearly.
He had been kissing my neck…his fingers playing down my arms, and then working to unlace my dress. His delicate hands had moved underneath the material…and then I had felt him take one of my breasts. His soft fingers moved in almost slow motion, trailing over it. His kisses were intoxicating…they nearly succeeded in making me forget everything. I could feel his need for me in every movement he made. He was carefully working forward, slowly and naturally. He was doing his best not to push me…everything about him was as gentle as a summer breeze.
But at that moment, I closed my eyes, and tried with all my heart to respond to his touch without allowing the past to consume me. It did not work...my nerves were both enflamed and terrified. I lay there underneath him, and I didn't move, my hands had fallen away from where they had been…laced through his hair and I couldn't do anything. I hadn't willed this to happen, or wanted it to stop. I desperately wanted him to continue, but I couldn't think. I couldn't react…and above all…I couldn't erase the feeling of disgust from my heart.
At first he didn't notice…he was caught up in the moment, but gradually it began to sink in. He looked up at me, and searched my eyes….not understanding what it was he did wrong. Without another word…he'd simply laced my dress back up…and had taken me in his arms…allowing me to lie there without any further pressure. I knew that he possessed great amounts of control. He was a legend for it…but I never knew that a male could have done what he did.
I knew it was difficult for him…I had felt him doing what he could to control his breathing and his own desire. He'd done it for me, though…and he never once asked me why. I do not believe that he really understood. When I looked back at him a little while later he had an unreadable expression in his eyes. He seemed angry and sad…but not at me. I thought after a while…I had an idea what he was angry about. He was frustrated because he did not have the satisfaction of dealing with those who had done this to me.
Legolas leaned over and touched my arm gently when his friend went away, "Are you alright?" They were the first words we had spoken to each other since that time. "You're not eating…do you need to rest? They have rooms here…"
I looked up and met his eyes. He smiled at me gently and I knew then that he would really do just about anything to make sure that I was comfortable. I shook my head and didn't answer. I did not know really what to say to him. I knew he wanted me to talk to him…to tell him about everything that had happened to me…so he could understand…but I couldn't. I didn't want him to know…it would hurt him far more than me not being able to respond.
"Are you sure?" he tried his best not to look like it was bothering him, smiling. He sipped from his glass of wine watching me carefully.
"I'm sure." I said at last…for the first time that day I smiled back at him gravely….but it was a smile. "Legolas…I'm fine…just….nervous…."
"About what?" he moved his hand to lay over mine, holding it gently.
"We're so close to home now….I…I'm sorry about last night…" I looked at him and since I couldn't read his expression, then I looked away.
"Don't be sorry." he assured me. "And don't be afraid. Thranduil is ready to welcome you home as I am. Merilas everything will be alright." he smiled and lifted my hand to his lips kissing it gently. "Trust me."
I wished I could do that…trust again…it was so hard to even consider letting go of the past as it had such a hold on me. "I wish it was that easy."
Legolas took a deep breath, this was hard for him…he knew he did not have that much time with me…and I was moved by his next words; so moved that my heart leapt into my throat and I could not take my eyes from his. "Take your time. …all the time you need. I can wait…and it does not need to happen at all."
I knew what he meant…and I smiled then…a real smile this time. I nodded and we finished our meal in silence.
* * *