Chapter Eight- Poundhollow
The next day, on his way to first lesson, Larry couldn't stop wondering whose thong Perves had been wearing. He voiced this pondery to Rod who just blushed before suggesting that maybe it had been from the boy's dorm? This thought disappointed Larry the most since he had heard that Jessica Rabbit was a cartoon! So he decided to sulk for the rest of the day, but it didn't last long, the lessons were so different at Pig Spots that he didn't have time to sulk. Who could when they were taught the delicate art of how to trash a hotel room, Herbology (no more needs to be said!), and history lessons in which Lord of the rings is watched? But halfway through the week some bad news hovered over the Gruffolddog lessons. The announcement was made that flying lessons were to be a joint lesson between the houses of Gruffolddog and Slippingin. The whole of both houses were outraged, Drunko was very close to drawing up an official complaint! 'What a sad case!' Larry had thought as he sat next to an un- naturally quiet Rod. In fact Larry had noticed that Rod had been very quiet ever since Larry had asked him whom he thought the flying thong had belonged to. After lunch both first year classes from Slippingin and Gruffolddog gathered outside in the courtyard of Pig Spots. First years weren't allowed their own flying equipment so they all had to share the schools ancient supplies. Dressed in high horse riding boots and carrying under her arm a whip, Professor Hooch pulled out two huge golfing bags with her as she marched out to the group of nervous pupils. Professor Hooch was a very butch teacher, with short greying hair and an even shorter temper! She looked as if she would be more at home in Madame Helgar's house of pain, or that she should be living with a German lesbian called Herman! But no this woman was instead going to teach them how to fly, apparently. Larry still couldn't quite get his head round the idea; after all flying does seem a bit ridiculous. But of course Drunko was boasting about how good he was and how he should be on the Poundhollow team, whatever Poundhollow was.
Professor Hooch passed round the equipment and began to explain how to fly. However they weren't using brooms, much to Larry's relief and embarrassment, earlier he had seen the very scary caretaker sweeping up and had mistaken him for the flying instructor. Larry cringed as he remembered trying to suck up to him by saying "That's a nice broom, latest model isn't it?" and when he tried to joke with him by saying, "Be careful though, you could have someone's eye out with that!" had been horrifying enough at the time as the caretaker had turned his head to face Larry to reveal his pirate style eye patch. Now it made sense that when Larry told him "I'll see you later then!" that the caretaker had cackled an evil laugh which had turned into an uproar as Larry turned and continued down the corridor. Instead a number of rusty microphone stands, with microphones attached were placed in front of each pupil. "Now, to raise your stand tell your stand 'get up here now you piece of old junk, call yourself a microphone stand, your not fit for a Zimerframe!'" As all the pupils attempted this only two stands obeyed their masters, Drunko, who was every bit as good as he had boasted, and Larry's, thanks partly to the kick he had added in for good measure! "Good! Improvisation!" Professor Hooch seemed impressed with Larry's efforts, "Now get your leg over-" This statement prompted many dirty laughs, "And to launch yourself into the air just push off and give some encouragement to the stand by saying something like," she waited as she tried to think of something good to say, then she yelled at the boom, startling everyone, "Scrap heap challenge!" But her stand failed to do anything. Many laughed, but shut up as soon as they caught a glimpse of Professor Hooch's face, "Damn Stand! Must be a dud one, no one do anything until I get back, or severe punishments will be dealt out!" With that she marched off, dragging the wretched stand after her. Drunko chuckled as he tossed around an inhaler he had stolen from one of the fatter kids. The boy was now leaping up and down begging Drunko to give it back. Larry would normally have found this funny since he had absolutely no morals, but this was different, it was Drunko, and he couldn't let him get a name for himself as a bully, the natural order would become unbalanced if an unnatural blonde got such a reputation! "Give it back Drunky!", Drunko looked annoyed by this mistake, "The name's Drunko, Lambert," "Oh, a bit below the belt wasn't that? Isn't that the Tangapants job?" Larry was learning fast, Drunko chuckled before restoring himself to his former smugness. "If you want it," he began as he pushed off with a particularly good insult to the stand that managed to refer to curtain rails and meat grinders perfectly, "Come and get it!" he spoke into the microphone so that all could hear. Larry had leapt on and was in the air before he knew what he was doing, he didn't know how to fly! But as it turned out this wasn't too much of a problem, Larry was a natural. Once up there he was hurling abuse at Drunko as if his life depended on it, and since Larry didn't know how to fly his life sort of did depend on it! He managed to insult Drunko's hair, clothes, taste in music, parents, heritage, and pet gerbil! Drunko was taken aback, he didn't stand a chance, 15 years of insulting his aunt and uncle had finally paid off! Drunko begged him to stop by making wailing high pitched screams like Matt from Muse before they both sank back down to the ground to the mixed sounds of cheers and boo's from the other pupils. However Professor McGoneAgain, who had come out to see what all the fuss was about, didn't seem so impressed. Larry was just grateful that the cane had been outlawed. "Just be grateful that the cane is outlawed!" she lectured the two boys before frog marching Larry off back into the school building. 'This is it,' Larry silently thought to himself, 'they're gonna send me back to the normal world, and I won't even be able to sell my story to the newspapers because everyone will just think I've spent the last few nights in the sewers after a drinking binge, again!' Professor McGoneAgain walked straight up to a door and knocked clearly three times, the door to leave Larry suspected, but Larry was wrong, as normal! A teacher opened the door and Larry could see a class sitting uncomfortably at desks, 'oh no, the worst punishment, public embarrassment, he would never be able to show his face anywhere ever again!' But once again Larry was wrong, Professor McGoneAgain simply asked for Oswald Twig, and a few seconds later Ozzy appeared, looking as confused as Larry. "Oswald," Professor McGoneAgain began, "I have found your Freaker!" Larry couldn't help but wonder what this had to do with him, until he realised that he was this Freaker. Ozzy suddenly became very excited about this and told Larry to meet him behind the bike sheds after school. Larry spent the rest of the day worrying about this. Finally he confided in Rod, "How do I break it to him? I mean I suppose I should be flattered," "Flattered! You should be bloody honoured! What I wouldn't give for a few minutes with Ozzy behind the bike sheds!" Rod replied dreamily. It was at this moment that Larry realised he would have to deal with this on his own and never tell Rod anything ever again. That evening he waited round the back of the bike sheds with his best 'I'm straight' lacy cravate on. Finally Ozzy arrived, dragging behind him a huge suitcase big enough to smuggle the cast of Dumbo through customs easily! Larry decided to nip this infatuation in the bud, after all he could perfectly understand why Ozzy was so taken with him, but it wasn't Larry's fault he was born with his looks! "Look Ozzy"- "Shut up and help me open my trunk!" -"What a generous offer, I'm very flattered but you see I'm straight" "What are you going on about Bowler?" "Now you're a good looking lad so I'm sure that there are plenty of homosexual lads here at Pig Spots who would be more than willing to"- "Ok you've lost me? What has your sexuality got to do with Poundhollow?" "Now you've lost me!? You bought me out here because you fancied me!" "Well I'm very flattered Larry, and you're a sort of good looking boy, in a non-conventional way, so I'm sure that there are plenty of homosexual lads here at Pig Spots who"- "I'm not gay! So if you don't fancy me then why did you bring me out here?" "To teach you about Poundhollow, and to see if you're even nearly as good as Professor McGoneAgain makes out"- "Why? How do you know how good at making out Professor McGoneAgain is? Your not having an affair with Professor McGoneAgain are you, coz in that case you almost are gay!" "Yuck! No, no, no, what I mean is Professor McGoneAgain says you're very good at being a Freaker!" "Well how can I be if I don't even know what a Freaker is?" "Wow! You really know nothing about Poundhollow do you!" Larry shook his head solemnly, "it's really very simple, there are four types of balls, the Waffle, that's the biggest, the Roger, the Rooger, and the Golden Snatch. Now there are seven players on each side, three of them are lacers, they wear a lot of lace, one is a sleeper, and one is a Freaker, and the final two are Feeteaters. Now a Sleepers job is to make sure that none of the balls go through any one of those ten hoops, I'm the Gruffolddog sleeper, however a sleeper isn't allowed to guard more than one hoop at a time unless there is a guardian dip, which simply means that one of the sleepers team members has been killed, or if the other teams sleeper is in fact asleep. However you can't cast a spell on the opposite teams sleeper. The three lacers job is to pass the waffle and try to throw it through the other teams hoops. But they can't fly through the hoops themselves, nor fly within radioing distance of the hoops. They also aren't allowed to move without spitting on an opponent, except for every second Sunday of a leap year, when they can spit at one of their own team-mates. They also must have passed the ball between all three lacers before scoring, unless there is a rainbow, they have swam the channel, or one of their team mates can walk on water, or is it hot coals? Anyway the Feeteater's jobs are to throw the Roger and Rooger balls at the opposition's lacers. You get an extra five points if you knock out a tooth, and an extra ten points if you knock them out! However a defensive Feeteater cannot throw a Rooger at an opposing lacer if their own lacer is in the fifth quarter, nor if the Feeteater himself is in between the 75th and 79th degrees of latitude from the opposing ninth goal. Also a Feeteater may not throw a Roger unless their own lacers are within the second and third boundaries of the fourth segment of the chocolate orange. But a Feeteater can pass a roger to another Feeteater of their house provided that the player they are passing to is wearing a silver hat. If a black cat falls from the sky then no Feeteater may pass a Roger until the third trimester of the game is complete. Oh and Feeteaters must move in an 'L' shape, like a knight in chess. Now things to look out for, make sure that when the cheerleaders skydive down that you aren't knocked off your stand, nor are the plugs of your microphones to be used as weapons unless the game exceeds twelve Green Terms. But all you have to worry about is the Golden Snatch, follow it and think of the best insults you can. The opposing teams Freaker will be chasing the Golden Snatch also, to try and keep him away try insulting him, if you manage to insult the Golden Snatch into severe depression and counselling for more than three months your team is awarded 1777873335 points and the game is finished! Simple really, isn't it!" Larry nodded before asking, "Sorry what did you say? I was miles away!"
The next day, on his way to first lesson, Larry couldn't stop wondering whose thong Perves had been wearing. He voiced this pondery to Rod who just blushed before suggesting that maybe it had been from the boy's dorm? This thought disappointed Larry the most since he had heard that Jessica Rabbit was a cartoon! So he decided to sulk for the rest of the day, but it didn't last long, the lessons were so different at Pig Spots that he didn't have time to sulk. Who could when they were taught the delicate art of how to trash a hotel room, Herbology (no more needs to be said!), and history lessons in which Lord of the rings is watched? But halfway through the week some bad news hovered over the Gruffolddog lessons. The announcement was made that flying lessons were to be a joint lesson between the houses of Gruffolddog and Slippingin. The whole of both houses were outraged, Drunko was very close to drawing up an official complaint! 'What a sad case!' Larry had thought as he sat next to an un- naturally quiet Rod. In fact Larry had noticed that Rod had been very quiet ever since Larry had asked him whom he thought the flying thong had belonged to. After lunch both first year classes from Slippingin and Gruffolddog gathered outside in the courtyard of Pig Spots. First years weren't allowed their own flying equipment so they all had to share the schools ancient supplies. Dressed in high horse riding boots and carrying under her arm a whip, Professor Hooch pulled out two huge golfing bags with her as she marched out to the group of nervous pupils. Professor Hooch was a very butch teacher, with short greying hair and an even shorter temper! She looked as if she would be more at home in Madame Helgar's house of pain, or that she should be living with a German lesbian called Herman! But no this woman was instead going to teach them how to fly, apparently. Larry still couldn't quite get his head round the idea; after all flying does seem a bit ridiculous. But of course Drunko was boasting about how good he was and how he should be on the Poundhollow team, whatever Poundhollow was.
Professor Hooch passed round the equipment and began to explain how to fly. However they weren't using brooms, much to Larry's relief and embarrassment, earlier he had seen the very scary caretaker sweeping up and had mistaken him for the flying instructor. Larry cringed as he remembered trying to suck up to him by saying "That's a nice broom, latest model isn't it?" and when he tried to joke with him by saying, "Be careful though, you could have someone's eye out with that!" had been horrifying enough at the time as the caretaker had turned his head to face Larry to reveal his pirate style eye patch. Now it made sense that when Larry told him "I'll see you later then!" that the caretaker had cackled an evil laugh which had turned into an uproar as Larry turned and continued down the corridor. Instead a number of rusty microphone stands, with microphones attached were placed in front of each pupil. "Now, to raise your stand tell your stand 'get up here now you piece of old junk, call yourself a microphone stand, your not fit for a Zimerframe!'" As all the pupils attempted this only two stands obeyed their masters, Drunko, who was every bit as good as he had boasted, and Larry's, thanks partly to the kick he had added in for good measure! "Good! Improvisation!" Professor Hooch seemed impressed with Larry's efforts, "Now get your leg over-" This statement prompted many dirty laughs, "And to launch yourself into the air just push off and give some encouragement to the stand by saying something like," she waited as she tried to think of something good to say, then she yelled at the boom, startling everyone, "Scrap heap challenge!" But her stand failed to do anything. Many laughed, but shut up as soon as they caught a glimpse of Professor Hooch's face, "Damn Stand! Must be a dud one, no one do anything until I get back, or severe punishments will be dealt out!" With that she marched off, dragging the wretched stand after her. Drunko chuckled as he tossed around an inhaler he had stolen from one of the fatter kids. The boy was now leaping up and down begging Drunko to give it back. Larry would normally have found this funny since he had absolutely no morals, but this was different, it was Drunko, and he couldn't let him get a name for himself as a bully, the natural order would become unbalanced if an unnatural blonde got such a reputation! "Give it back Drunky!", Drunko looked annoyed by this mistake, "The name's Drunko, Lambert," "Oh, a bit below the belt wasn't that? Isn't that the Tangapants job?" Larry was learning fast, Drunko chuckled before restoring himself to his former smugness. "If you want it," he began as he pushed off with a particularly good insult to the stand that managed to refer to curtain rails and meat grinders perfectly, "Come and get it!" he spoke into the microphone so that all could hear. Larry had leapt on and was in the air before he knew what he was doing, he didn't know how to fly! But as it turned out this wasn't too much of a problem, Larry was a natural. Once up there he was hurling abuse at Drunko as if his life depended on it, and since Larry didn't know how to fly his life sort of did depend on it! He managed to insult Drunko's hair, clothes, taste in music, parents, heritage, and pet gerbil! Drunko was taken aback, he didn't stand a chance, 15 years of insulting his aunt and uncle had finally paid off! Drunko begged him to stop by making wailing high pitched screams like Matt from Muse before they both sank back down to the ground to the mixed sounds of cheers and boo's from the other pupils. However Professor McGoneAgain, who had come out to see what all the fuss was about, didn't seem so impressed. Larry was just grateful that the cane had been outlawed. "Just be grateful that the cane is outlawed!" she lectured the two boys before frog marching Larry off back into the school building. 'This is it,' Larry silently thought to himself, 'they're gonna send me back to the normal world, and I won't even be able to sell my story to the newspapers because everyone will just think I've spent the last few nights in the sewers after a drinking binge, again!' Professor McGoneAgain walked straight up to a door and knocked clearly three times, the door to leave Larry suspected, but Larry was wrong, as normal! A teacher opened the door and Larry could see a class sitting uncomfortably at desks, 'oh no, the worst punishment, public embarrassment, he would never be able to show his face anywhere ever again!' But once again Larry was wrong, Professor McGoneAgain simply asked for Oswald Twig, and a few seconds later Ozzy appeared, looking as confused as Larry. "Oswald," Professor McGoneAgain began, "I have found your Freaker!" Larry couldn't help but wonder what this had to do with him, until he realised that he was this Freaker. Ozzy suddenly became very excited about this and told Larry to meet him behind the bike sheds after school. Larry spent the rest of the day worrying about this. Finally he confided in Rod, "How do I break it to him? I mean I suppose I should be flattered," "Flattered! You should be bloody honoured! What I wouldn't give for a few minutes with Ozzy behind the bike sheds!" Rod replied dreamily. It was at this moment that Larry realised he would have to deal with this on his own and never tell Rod anything ever again. That evening he waited round the back of the bike sheds with his best 'I'm straight' lacy cravate on. Finally Ozzy arrived, dragging behind him a huge suitcase big enough to smuggle the cast of Dumbo through customs easily! Larry decided to nip this infatuation in the bud, after all he could perfectly understand why Ozzy was so taken with him, but it wasn't Larry's fault he was born with his looks! "Look Ozzy"- "Shut up and help me open my trunk!" -"What a generous offer, I'm very flattered but you see I'm straight" "What are you going on about Bowler?" "Now you're a good looking lad so I'm sure that there are plenty of homosexual lads here at Pig Spots who would be more than willing to"- "Ok you've lost me? What has your sexuality got to do with Poundhollow?" "Now you've lost me!? You bought me out here because you fancied me!" "Well I'm very flattered Larry, and you're a sort of good looking boy, in a non-conventional way, so I'm sure that there are plenty of homosexual lads here at Pig Spots who"- "I'm not gay! So if you don't fancy me then why did you bring me out here?" "To teach you about Poundhollow, and to see if you're even nearly as good as Professor McGoneAgain makes out"- "Why? How do you know how good at making out Professor McGoneAgain is? Your not having an affair with Professor McGoneAgain are you, coz in that case you almost are gay!" "Yuck! No, no, no, what I mean is Professor McGoneAgain says you're very good at being a Freaker!" "Well how can I be if I don't even know what a Freaker is?" "Wow! You really know nothing about Poundhollow do you!" Larry shook his head solemnly, "it's really very simple, there are four types of balls, the Waffle, that's the biggest, the Roger, the Rooger, and the Golden Snatch. Now there are seven players on each side, three of them are lacers, they wear a lot of lace, one is a sleeper, and one is a Freaker, and the final two are Feeteaters. Now a Sleepers job is to make sure that none of the balls go through any one of those ten hoops, I'm the Gruffolddog sleeper, however a sleeper isn't allowed to guard more than one hoop at a time unless there is a guardian dip, which simply means that one of the sleepers team members has been killed, or if the other teams sleeper is in fact asleep. However you can't cast a spell on the opposite teams sleeper. The three lacers job is to pass the waffle and try to throw it through the other teams hoops. But they can't fly through the hoops themselves, nor fly within radioing distance of the hoops. They also aren't allowed to move without spitting on an opponent, except for every second Sunday of a leap year, when they can spit at one of their own team-mates. They also must have passed the ball between all three lacers before scoring, unless there is a rainbow, they have swam the channel, or one of their team mates can walk on water, or is it hot coals? Anyway the Feeteater's jobs are to throw the Roger and Rooger balls at the opposition's lacers. You get an extra five points if you knock out a tooth, and an extra ten points if you knock them out! However a defensive Feeteater cannot throw a Rooger at an opposing lacer if their own lacer is in the fifth quarter, nor if the Feeteater himself is in between the 75th and 79th degrees of latitude from the opposing ninth goal. Also a Feeteater may not throw a Roger unless their own lacers are within the second and third boundaries of the fourth segment of the chocolate orange. But a Feeteater can pass a roger to another Feeteater of their house provided that the player they are passing to is wearing a silver hat. If a black cat falls from the sky then no Feeteater may pass a Roger until the third trimester of the game is complete. Oh and Feeteaters must move in an 'L' shape, like a knight in chess. Now things to look out for, make sure that when the cheerleaders skydive down that you aren't knocked off your stand, nor are the plugs of your microphones to be used as weapons unless the game exceeds twelve Green Terms. But all you have to worry about is the Golden Snatch, follow it and think of the best insults you can. The opposing teams Freaker will be chasing the Golden Snatch also, to try and keep him away try insulting him, if you manage to insult the Golden Snatch into severe depression and counselling for more than three months your team is awarded 1777873335 points and the game is finished! Simple really, isn't it!" Larry nodded before asking, "Sorry what did you say? I was miles away!"