Special Thanks: As always, to Kelly for the beta

Notes: Angst warning, folks

"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality..." (Freddie Mercury, r.i.p.)

Real Life, part 6

Stunned, and not knowing what else to do, I shake the bloke's hand. "What the...?"

"Oh, this?" he says, waving his arm at the world which has stopped around us. "Neat trick, isn't it?"

"Neat? Are you going to tell me what the bloody hell is going on here?"

He laughs. "Bloody hell? You Brits use such colorful language. I really, really enjoy it." His smile fades as I give him the most dangerous glare I can muster. Game face would be really helpful about now. "O.K., o.k., I understand. You have questions. I have answers. You see, I work for the Powers that Be. And this?" He gestures toward the collapsing tower. "This just won't do."

"The Powers that Be? I'm not bloody Angel."

"Yes, I know. And believe me, he's not my favorite person either. But when you went to 'Lurky', as you call him," he chuckles. "That was so funny, let me tell you. We all got a laugh out of that when we reviewed the tape. You are charming, in a roguish kind of way, aren't you?"

I glare again.

"Nevermind. Anyway, the PTB took an interest. And then 'Lurky' went and overstepped his bounds. Like, big time. Changing history? They really don't go for that. His security clearance is going WAY down."

I think my head is going to explode. "Look mate, I'm sure you're a terrific bloke with a very important job and everything but, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE BLOODY HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"Sorry, sorry, no need to yell. I forget that you don't have the back story. This is the deal. You asked 'Lurky' to make you human, which he did, but he made it so you were never a vampire, and history has been changed. And not in a good way."

"Wait, I thought I was in some alternate dimension or some such thing."

"Nope. Same dimension. Same people. But you were never a vampire this time around, and you can see how that one little detail has changed things."

"Oh, God, this is all my fault," I look over at the tower, still suspended in mid-air.

"Eh, don't blame yourself. I have to inform you, though, that the PTB can not allow this to continue. The world must be returned to its previous state."

"Because of Buffy?" I say, still staring at the falling structure.

"She's a part of it, but there's also Angel and Cordelia. Not to mention the Key."

"What? What does the nibblet have to do with anything?"

"More than you know. And more than I can tell. You've got to go back."

I begin to pace. I know, it's annoying, but it helps me think. "It's a Wonderful sodding Unlife," I mutter. This makes Skip laugh again.

"Well, you're no Jimmy Stewart, but I get the reference."

I am really starting to get a headache. "So, now we go back and everything's back the way it was? I went through those trials for nothing?"

"No, you earned a reward, which I've been authorized to grant you. What do you want?"

"I want what I asked for, to be what I was, to be a real man with a soul, what Buffy deserves."

Skip scratches the back of his head. "Now, see, that brings up all sorts of...complications."

"What do you mean?" I take a step closer to him, hoping to intimidate him. I don't like the way this conversation is going. Skip, however, doesn't move.

"You must have wondered about the memory thing? Lurky messed up. He was in the process of trying to correct it when he got suspended."

"Well, I know I don't have memories of this life. I remember that I was a vampire and well..."

"How far back does your memory go?"

Again, not liking the direction of the conversation.

"I remember escaping from the Initiative, most everything since then. Before that, it's kind of bits and pieces. People, mostly. Dru, Angelus, Darla..." That's odd. I could swear I was going to say something else....

"The memories of your life as a vampire have faded, because in this world, you never were a vampire. None of them should have been there in the first place, but something got lost in the transition. Lurky was planning to fix it, and give you your human memories, but then he, well..."

"...got suspended, you told me. So, what are you saying, exactly? What am I not remembering?"

"I find showing is better than telling, in many cases."

Suddenly I am in an alley, and Drusilla is in vamp face. "Do you want it?"

"Oh, yes."

Angelus, inches away from staking me.

A young Chinese girl, a fight to the death.

A three year old child cowering in a coal bin. I pull her out and give her to Drusilla as a gift.

A snapping neck, a leather coat.

An angry mob.

"Ask me again why I could never love you."

These images flash by me like slides in a projector. When they finally stop, I am doubled over from the pain. My head is spinning and waves of nausea wash over me. I can't breathe. I can't speak. What have I done?

"If you go back to being a vampire, you won't have to feel this way, Spike."

That last memory of Buffy is the only one I had remembered up till now. Still, it's the one that seals the deal for me. I make a decision. I stand up straight and look Skip in the eye. "I still want it. I still want to be a human being with a soul. Whatever I have to go through, I'm willing to take that on."

Skip smiles a little sadly at me. "I can do that for you," he says softly, "but you know, sometimes, we can't escape our destiny."

"Destiny?"

"I like you, Spike. And because of that, I'm going to give you a little preview of what your future as a man will be like."

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The world goes white and I am momentarily blinded by the brightness. Then, the light fades, and I am walking in a Sunnydale cemetery with Buffy. We are patrolling, and without warning we are jumped by at least ten vampires who hold each of us firmly, but don't try to harm us. I hear childlike laughter, and turn my head to see Drusilla, resplendent in a blood red gown, her dark hair cascading over her shoulders, walking into our midst. One of the vamps says, "We did as you wished, my queen."

Dru claps her hands joyfully. "Yes you have, my good men. You've captured my black knight! Such a courageous warrior, he is." She glides up to me, and I can see Buffy struggle. But Drusilla has chosen her minions well, and the slayer is unable to break free. Buffy looks into my eyes, and she's terrified.

"Such a good boy," says Dru. "But she'll never really love you. Not like I do."

"Dru, don't do this," I plead. She runs her fingernail down my cheek, drawing blood.

"Oh, but I've missed you," she pouts. "Silly, silly boy. Did you really think I wouldn't come and fetch you?" She licks the blood off my face, and I shiver with pleasure in spite of myself. "We'll be together again. The brave knight and his dark princess. Do you want it?" Dru goes into vamp face, and I can't tear my eyes away from her. "Do you want it?" she asks again.

"No," I whisper.

"We'll see about that," she says. Her fangs pierce my neck and I can't say a word. As my life slips away from me, the last thing I hear is Buffy, screaming my name.

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I am surrounded by the blinding light once again, and then I'm back with Skip.

"I'm sorry," he says.

Tears sting my eyes. Then it comes to me. The solution. "Alright then, make me a vampire with a soul."

"A vampire with a soul? You sure about that?"

"Look, the only vampire with a soul I'm aware of is a big poofter with bad hair. But it's the only thing I can think of. It's the only way I can trust myself around Buffy again. You got any better ideas?"

"Well, no. Not if you're hell bent on this soul thing."

"I am. And I want it permanently attached, too. None of this so-called happiness clause bull, alright?"

"Alright, my man. You ready?"

"I suppose. Except, what about my baby? What's going to happen to her?"

Skip sighs. "She won't ever have existed," he explains gently.

"Isn't there some way, maybe, to..."

"No. I'm sorry, but no."

My heart is in my throat. "I want to see her again."

Skip stares at me for a moment, and then waves a large arm. "Done," he says. The next thing I know, we're standing in the hallway outside the nursery. "I've taken her out of suspended animation. I'll just wait out here."

I walk into the room and gaze down at Megan in her crib. She smiles at me, waving her arms and kicking her feet. She wants to be picked up. She struggles, trying to sit up on her own, and I reach down and give her some help. Picking the baby up, all I can think of is that a creature such as me does not deserve to hold such a pure and innocent being. She doesn't know what I've done, though. I'm just her daddy, and she loves me. How am I supposed to give that up? I know I'll never have that kind of love again.

I hold her in front of me and walk over to look into the mirror on her wall. We both smile at our reflections. I imagine her face is as unfamiliar to her as mine is to me, after all this time. Her head close to mine, I see she does have my eyes. And my chin. Her mum's coloring. And Buffy's nose, of course, bump and all. My sandy brown hair. I tickle her under her chin, and she laughs, and I can see Buffy. I feel an ache in my chest and I press my nose against the back of her neck, breathing in her scent. My tears fall on her skin and she starts to wiggle a little at the feeling. I turn her and lift her up so that her face is in front of me.

"I love you," I whisper. She laughs and grabs my nose, and I smile at her. The love I feel for this tiny person swells up in me and overwhelms the bad feelings for a moment, and I think that there may be hope for me yet. Kissing her cheek, I lay her back in her crib, wind up her music box, and hand her her security blanket. She shoves a stubby thumb in her mouth and begins sucking contentedly. I take a deep breath, and wipe my face with my hands. When I walk out the door and close it behind me, I don't look back.

"O.K., I'm ready," I tell Skip. "But there's one thing. I want to remember. I want you to let me remember all this." I can't think about it right now. I just have to focus on the fact that I have no choice, not in this. But later, I want to think about her. I want to remember. Skip doesn't speak for a moment.

"I'm proud to know you, William," he finally says to me.

Well, that's a first. We begin walking down the hall, and my throat starts to close up again. Dammit. "I can't believe I've only known that little munchkin for less than 24 hours. It seems like forever." Skip smiles that knowing smile again. God, that's aggravating. "What now?"

"You know," he says, putting an arm around my shoulders, "people often spend several lifetimes meeting up with the same souls. Lifetime after lifetime, they just keep ending up together, drawn together it seems."

"What are you saying? That I've known Megan's soul before or something?"

Skip shrugs. "Could be. What did you say her middle name was again?"

"I...I didn't say. I don't know her middle name." The hallway, and Skip, start to fade around me. "Wait! Skip! What's her middle name?"

I can barely hear him as he says, "you'll have to ask your wife."

Bugger.

I am in an African cave, and a demon who looks like he could be Lurky's brother is there as well. "You have survived the trials. What is it you desire?" he asks.

"I want my soul back," I answer. "And you'd better get it right this time, mate."

He places a clawed hand on my chest. "Very well. We will return your soul."

The end.

(Oh, alright. There's an epilogue.)