Thanks to Kelly for the beta and the encouragement, and to everyone who
gave such great feedback during this series.
Real Life, epilogue
It's been a year, now. A really rough year, and I thought about waiting out the sunrise more than once. But I didn't. Had a little help, glad to say. Willow, mainly. Misery loves company and all that. I was shocked at what happened to Tara. Especially since, well, you know. Will once said to me that she thought if Tara had the choice, she would have stayed in Sunnydale, even knowing what would happen, because she would have been miserable going back home. Right out of the blue she said it. Wonder why.
The bit came 'round eventually. Something else that bonded Red and I, I suppose: the wrath of Dawn. Especially since we both love her so much. Still, the two of us had it coming. Took a while to win her over. In the end, it was my complete patheticness that did it. She caught me following her around one night, and we had it out. I ended up telling her how scared I was that something would happen to her. Keep seeing that bloody headstone in my nightmares, not that I told her that part. She started stopping by to see me once in awhile after that. Actually speaking to me when I was at the house. Now we're buddies again. Didn't realize how much I missed it. Missed her.
Harris is another story. We're not exactly friends. Still, he's civil to me. Mostly. Amazing the humility that comes with getting ones heart broken. And I should know. Wouldn't wish that on the whelp, even. I'm glad for Anya and Rupes, though. And Ripper? Well, he and I have had a few all nighters, let me tell you. He's not around enough, if you ask me. Back and forth between here and Bath. Still, they're happy, and that's good.
The slayer? Well, she and I are friends, now. She even calls me that in front of people and everything. Called me her "ex" once. Marked that one down in my journal. Except, you know the whole 'you'll never be friends' thing? It's pretty much true. I mean, we *are* friends, but that's not all we are. There's always something there, just beneath the surface. At least for me. I think for her, too, though that could be my imagination. She does get a bit prickly whenever any girls are sniffing around me at the Bronze. Not that I'm interested. I don't even flirt with them. Much. Buffy sure is cute when she's mad, especially when she's trying to pretend that she isn't. Ah, well, maybe someday. Maybe not. Ball's in the slayer's court, now.
So anyway, I go to the house to pick Buffy up for patrol, and I find her and Dawn awash in a sea of pastel tissue, wrapping paper, and ribbon. Seems Buffy is going to a baby shower tomorrow - someone she works with. Dawn holds up the smallest little baby sleeper I've ever seen.
"Look, isn't it sweet? Have you ever seen something so teeny tiny?" she asks me. I look over at Buffy, who's head slowly turns from the sleeper to me. I see something there in her eyes. Longing? Maybe it's just a reflection of what's in my own. She gets up and gathers her things.
"Can you finish wrapping that for me Dawn? Spike and I have to get going." Dawn agrees, and we head out.
We're half way to the cemetery before I ask her what I haven't had the nerve, or opportunity to, till now. "Hey slayer? If you ever had a kid, what would you name her?"
"Never thought about it," she answers quickly. She keeps walking.
"Never? I thought all birds thought about that kind of thing."
"No sense thinking about something that's never going to happen," she says curtly. I rarely know when to shut up, but this time I do.
Forty minutes and several vampires later, she says, "What about you?"
"What about me, what?"
"Have you ever thought about having kids? I mean, before," she says, a little embarrassed. She busies herself brushing vamp dust off her clothes.
"Yeah," I answer, "I always wanted a little girl."
"Really?" she asks, looking over at me.
"Pretty hard to imagine, isn't it?" We start walking back towards her house.
A couple of minutes go by. "It's not that hard to imagine," Buffy says. "You're good at taking care of people."
"You think?"
"Yeah, I mean, like Dawn. Or Drusilla, for that matter. Or me." She sneaks a glance at me, and when she sees me smiling at her she stammers, "Uh, so, what would you name her? This little girl."
"Megan."
She stops dead in her tracks. "Megan? Why Megan?"
"Don't know. Just always liked the name, I guess." She starts to say something, stops herself, then seems to finally decide to go ahead with it.
"That's weird because, well, that's the name I always wanted for my little girl," she says.
"I thought you said you never..."
"I lied. I just don't like to think about it anymore because I know it's never going to happen."
"Yeah," I say, "I know the feeling."
We walk the rest of the way in silence, and when we reach her house, I walk her to the door. She always laughs at me because I won't leave until she's inside. This time she doesn't laugh, and I lean against the side of the house while she unlocks the door.
"Did you want to come in for awhile?" she asks.
"No thanks, not tonight," I say. She does occasionally invite me in for cocoa, but I'm far too emotional tonight not to do or say something stupid.
"O.K.," she says, smiling. "Goodnight, then."
"Hey, Buffy? What would be her middle name?"
She laughs. "You know, when I was a little girl, it used to be Megan Marie." Marie, I'm thinking, who do I know named Marie? "Dumb, isn't it?" Well, yeah, it is, but I don't say that. "But that's not what it would be anymore. Now it would be, Megan Joyce."
Joyce? Oh, God. Joyce. "That's...Buffy, that's perfect."
Buffy takes a step towards me, and I can see tears in her eyes. I reach out to her, and then she's in my arms, her head against my chest. Silent tears soak my t-shirt.
"Spike, I miss her," she says softly. "I miss her so much."
"Me too, love," I say, stroking her hair. "Me too."
The end.
Real Life, epilogue
It's been a year, now. A really rough year, and I thought about waiting out the sunrise more than once. But I didn't. Had a little help, glad to say. Willow, mainly. Misery loves company and all that. I was shocked at what happened to Tara. Especially since, well, you know. Will once said to me that she thought if Tara had the choice, she would have stayed in Sunnydale, even knowing what would happen, because she would have been miserable going back home. Right out of the blue she said it. Wonder why.
The bit came 'round eventually. Something else that bonded Red and I, I suppose: the wrath of Dawn. Especially since we both love her so much. Still, the two of us had it coming. Took a while to win her over. In the end, it was my complete patheticness that did it. She caught me following her around one night, and we had it out. I ended up telling her how scared I was that something would happen to her. Keep seeing that bloody headstone in my nightmares, not that I told her that part. She started stopping by to see me once in awhile after that. Actually speaking to me when I was at the house. Now we're buddies again. Didn't realize how much I missed it. Missed her.
Harris is another story. We're not exactly friends. Still, he's civil to me. Mostly. Amazing the humility that comes with getting ones heart broken. And I should know. Wouldn't wish that on the whelp, even. I'm glad for Anya and Rupes, though. And Ripper? Well, he and I have had a few all nighters, let me tell you. He's not around enough, if you ask me. Back and forth between here and Bath. Still, they're happy, and that's good.
The slayer? Well, she and I are friends, now. She even calls me that in front of people and everything. Called me her "ex" once. Marked that one down in my journal. Except, you know the whole 'you'll never be friends' thing? It's pretty much true. I mean, we *are* friends, but that's not all we are. There's always something there, just beneath the surface. At least for me. I think for her, too, though that could be my imagination. She does get a bit prickly whenever any girls are sniffing around me at the Bronze. Not that I'm interested. I don't even flirt with them. Much. Buffy sure is cute when she's mad, especially when she's trying to pretend that she isn't. Ah, well, maybe someday. Maybe not. Ball's in the slayer's court, now.
So anyway, I go to the house to pick Buffy up for patrol, and I find her and Dawn awash in a sea of pastel tissue, wrapping paper, and ribbon. Seems Buffy is going to a baby shower tomorrow - someone she works with. Dawn holds up the smallest little baby sleeper I've ever seen.
"Look, isn't it sweet? Have you ever seen something so teeny tiny?" she asks me. I look over at Buffy, who's head slowly turns from the sleeper to me. I see something there in her eyes. Longing? Maybe it's just a reflection of what's in my own. She gets up and gathers her things.
"Can you finish wrapping that for me Dawn? Spike and I have to get going." Dawn agrees, and we head out.
We're half way to the cemetery before I ask her what I haven't had the nerve, or opportunity to, till now. "Hey slayer? If you ever had a kid, what would you name her?"
"Never thought about it," she answers quickly. She keeps walking.
"Never? I thought all birds thought about that kind of thing."
"No sense thinking about something that's never going to happen," she says curtly. I rarely know when to shut up, but this time I do.
Forty minutes and several vampires later, she says, "What about you?"
"What about me, what?"
"Have you ever thought about having kids? I mean, before," she says, a little embarrassed. She busies herself brushing vamp dust off her clothes.
"Yeah," I answer, "I always wanted a little girl."
"Really?" she asks, looking over at me.
"Pretty hard to imagine, isn't it?" We start walking back towards her house.
A couple of minutes go by. "It's not that hard to imagine," Buffy says. "You're good at taking care of people."
"You think?"
"Yeah, I mean, like Dawn. Or Drusilla, for that matter. Or me." She sneaks a glance at me, and when she sees me smiling at her she stammers, "Uh, so, what would you name her? This little girl."
"Megan."
She stops dead in her tracks. "Megan? Why Megan?"
"Don't know. Just always liked the name, I guess." She starts to say something, stops herself, then seems to finally decide to go ahead with it.
"That's weird because, well, that's the name I always wanted for my little girl," she says.
"I thought you said you never..."
"I lied. I just don't like to think about it anymore because I know it's never going to happen."
"Yeah," I say, "I know the feeling."
We walk the rest of the way in silence, and when we reach her house, I walk her to the door. She always laughs at me because I won't leave until she's inside. This time she doesn't laugh, and I lean against the side of the house while she unlocks the door.
"Did you want to come in for awhile?" she asks.
"No thanks, not tonight," I say. She does occasionally invite me in for cocoa, but I'm far too emotional tonight not to do or say something stupid.
"O.K.," she says, smiling. "Goodnight, then."
"Hey, Buffy? What would be her middle name?"
She laughs. "You know, when I was a little girl, it used to be Megan Marie." Marie, I'm thinking, who do I know named Marie? "Dumb, isn't it?" Well, yeah, it is, but I don't say that. "But that's not what it would be anymore. Now it would be, Megan Joyce."
Joyce? Oh, God. Joyce. "That's...Buffy, that's perfect."
Buffy takes a step towards me, and I can see tears in her eyes. I reach out to her, and then she's in my arms, her head against my chest. Silent tears soak my t-shirt.
"Spike, I miss her," she says softly. "I miss her so much."
"Me too, love," I say, stroking her hair. "Me too."
The end.