Notes: Thanks much to all my reviewers, your comments are really appreciated and I hope you keep enjoying the story. :)
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By midnight The Five were asleep on the Night Bus, chests rising and falling so peacefully. They looked so vulnerable and Snape refused to let himself sleep while they were in a position like that. They could be killed so easily while they slept. Death Eaters could attack the bus and kill them all. So, instead of sleeping, he vowed to stay awake until morning just to make sure that nothing would happen to them.
"Professor," a sleepy voice called to him and he turned to see Kendra staring at him blearily. "Why are you still awake?"
He shrugged noncommittally and glanced away. He didn't want them to know that he was resisting sleep to watch over them. The last thing he needed was more sympathy from that girl than he was alredy getting. She could see inside his mind at his weakest moments and he thought that, despite his regular gloomy demeanor, Kendra felt rather sorry for him. He didn't need her pity and the last thing he wanted was for her to think that he was watching over them.
"Go to sleep," she murmured, turning over to get a better look at him.
"I'm fine," he snapped.
"You need to sleep," she insisted.
"I don't need to sleep," he replied. "When I sleep, I dream and when I dream . . ." he trailed off, unsure of why he was suddenly telling Kendra his problems.
Silence fell over them, the only sound was the rumbling of the bus and the bouncing beds. Kendra studied Snape for a long moment and he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. She shouldn't be looking at him like that, she was his student, not his therapist. Just as Snapeopened his mouth to say something, Kendra sighed.
"Do you have nightmares?" she asked.
Snape looked away from her. "What business is it of yours?"
"I'm just . . ." she sighed again. "Never mind."
"No," Snape growled softly. "I want to know why you think you deserve to know about my life."
Kendra looked startled for a moment, then sat up in her bed and brushed a few strands of dark hair off her face. She drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them tightly, still watching Snape closely. Her eyes bore into his and he looked away once again, then silently cursed himself for letting her make him feel so uncomfortable. She was just a student . . . granted, she was a student with some extraordinary magical powers but he'd seen more impressive things in his lifetime.
"I just think that you should tell us things," Kendra explained slowly. "You're supposed to be helping us, right?"
Snape didn't reply.
"I'm sorry I said anything," Kendra mumbled, staring out the window of the Night Bus.
Snape growled deep in his throat. "Yes, I have nightmares. Are you happy now?"
Kendra shrunk away from the sharp tone of his words, but nodded anyway.
"Go back to sleep," Snape ordered.
She frowned. "No, you go to sleep."
"I don't want to," he muttered, then had to resist the urge to yawn.
"I'll stay awake," Kendra said. "I know you're scared we'll be attacked, but I can stay awake and watch."
Snape stared at her for a long moment, then shook his head. He couldn't let her take his position and watch over them. She didn't have his discipline, she'd fall asleep and then they'd all be in trouble.
Kendra chuckled softly. "I won't fall asleep."
Snape's eyes narrowed. "I thought you couldn't read minds."
"I can't. It's written all over your face."
Snape fell silent, hating that he was so easily read by this girl. He had worked for years at being cryptic and hard to understand and yet, she could see right through him.
"Fine," he grumbled, only to break the steady gaze between them. He turned over in the bed and settled down, pulling the blanket over his shoulders and closing his eyes. He could hear Kendra rustling around in her bed, leaning over to reach for something and snapping on the light beside her. His ears picked up the sounds of the others breathing slowly and steadily, and the sound was comforting in a way he could have never imagined. He slipped into sleep quicker than he expected, but as his mind shut down, he knew that the nightmares would come . . .
. . . A stone gargoyle stared down at Severus Snape, as if daring him to enter the home of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. He stared back, dark eyes narrowed and his hood pulled up over his face to prevent identification if any Aurors were to see him go inside. The war was brewing around them all, bursting at the seams and waiting to spill over onto the innocent bystanders.
Snape made a disgusted face at the thought of this. In his mind, no one was innocent. He'd seen far too much to pretend that there were still Wizards in the world that weren't involved in the fight, whether it be on the side of Voldemort or on the side of the good.
Snape felt a lump working its way into his stomach, twisting his insides in a mass of nerves. He hadn't felt this horribly nervous since his first meeting as a Death Eater. Now, six years later, he was standing on the Malfoy's doorstep, waiting to attend his first meeting as a spy for Albus Dumbledore.
"Bloody hell," he murmured, his voice hoarse. His stomach rolled, threatened to expell his dinner, then settled again. He raised one hand and leaned it against the cool stone of the wall, supporting himself until he felt he would be able to walk into the meeting without losing the contents of his stomach. He couldn't walk into the room looking like he did or the other Death Eaters would automatically suspect something. Snape was paler than usual, his hands were shaking and a thin sheen of sweat covered his forehead.
"Breathe," he instructed himself. "Just bloody well breathe. You can't expect to feel great when you're not even breathing."
After a few moments of coaching himself and taking the time to calm his nerves, Snape straightened and walked into the house, the heavy door slamming behind him. He jumped at the noise, then cursed himself. He couldn't afford to act like a frightened child, not when so much was at stake.
With carefully measured steps, Snape took the route he knew by heart. The darkened hall, the winding staircases . . . he'd been there countless times before for countless meetings. It was simple, all he had to do was join the others and listen to what Voldemort had to say. He would be fine, he would be safe. All he had to do was listen and then report back to Dumbldore. It was a simple task, one that he would not botch.
"Severus!"
The voice startled him and he jumped again, turning quickly. Narcissa Malfoy was standing at the foot of a staircase behind him, smiling gently at his fear. His stomach stirred again and Snape placed one palm flat against his abdomen, hoping to calm himself.
"Severus," she said again, the soft smile on her lips growing wider. "You're early. The meeting doesn't start for another half hour."
"I have to see Lucius," he grumbled, more to himself.
Narcissa laughed and walked toward him, long, elegant strides. Snape tried not to look at her, he hated Narcissa and hated the way she flaunted her looks in front of any man she could. Lucius Malfoy was an attractive man, but apparently that wasn't good enough for his wife. She was attractive herself and she found ways to use her looks even within the ranks of the Death Eaters.
"Lucius is busy, love. Why don't you come upstairs for a while, have some tea while we wait for the others to get here."
Severus shook his head vehemently. "I don't have the time Narcissa."
She slid up to him soundlessly, fingers pressing against his chest. "Don't say that you don't have time for me Severus Snape. Lucius wouldn't like it if I told him how angry you sometimes make me."
Snape sighed and took a step backward just as Narcissa's hands came up and pushed his hood back. It fell from his face, dropping around his neck and she smiled.
"That's better," she purred.
"Narcissa," Snape growled, grabbing one of her wrists tightly.
"What?" she asked, grinning mischeviously. "You don't want to play?" She shook herself lose from his grip and pushed him backward until he felt the hard stone wall against his back. "You can only give so much of yourself to Voldemort, the rest you have to save for someone else."
"You Narcissa?" Snape chuckled softly, a dangerous sound to anyone who knew him well. "You think I would save the rest of myself for you?" His eyes shone darkly, burning into her gaze. "Why would I do a thing like that?"
Narcissa pouted, still pressing herself against him. "Don't play games with me Severus. I know you better than you know yourself."
Snape leaned down toward her, his nerves melting away as he felt a familiar rage take over. His mouth neared her ear, his breath hot on her neck as he whispered, "Don't upset me Narcissa, not today. You don't know what you're in for if I lose my temper."
She grinned. "I don't?"
Snape's eyes narrowed as he moved away. "You have no idea."
"Are you threatening me?" she asked playfully. "Because I know what you can do to hurt me Severus . . . just come upstairs."
Snape grinned dangerously, his eyes flashing with the ideas that Narcissa was putting in his head. She saw his reaction and leaned toward him, her mouth inches from his own.
Snape's hand clamped down tightly on her wrist and he turned around, slamming her against the stone wall. She let out a tiny shriek before his other hand closed down upon her mouth, cutting off any sound.
"I could kill you," he whispered, "and no one would know. I could make you suffer in ways you can't even begin to imagine." He leaned in again. "Leave me the hell alone."
Then he was gone, Narcissa Malfoy was still pressed against the wall, her mind reeling from Snape's reaction to her attempted seduction. He turned down a darkened hall and was gone, once again in search of Lucius Malfoy.
It was in that interaction with Narcissa that Snape finally saw what he had become. She knew the monster inside him, in more ways than one and Snape suddenly loathed everything he had ever said to her, everything he had ever done to get her attention. She was a beast, a monster more vile than himself, and he had allowed himself to be taken in by her.
"Bitch," he muttered under his breath, furious with himself for ever letting her touch him.
"Watch what you say about me," Narcissa's voice floated toward him.
Snape sighed and turned again, finding her standing near him, a dagger dangling from one of her hands.
"You don't just threaten me in my own home," she said, "you do know that, don't you?"
Snape turned his eyes to the floor, studying his trembling hands beneath his robes. This was the last thing he needed, if Narcissa was furious with him she would ruin everything. She would accuse him of everything she could possibly think of it, just to get him in trouble. Little did she know, those accusations of betrayal would be true.
She held up the dagger and it gleamed softly in the light. A poisonous smile crossed her lips and she whispered, "The other meetings will be held elsewhere Severus. Don't you ever come back to my home again or I will kill you. Don't you ever come back here again . . . ever."
* * * *
* * * *
By midnight The Five were asleep on the Night Bus, chests rising and falling so peacefully. They looked so vulnerable and Snape refused to let himself sleep while they were in a position like that. They could be killed so easily while they slept. Death Eaters could attack the bus and kill them all. So, instead of sleeping, he vowed to stay awake until morning just to make sure that nothing would happen to them.
"Professor," a sleepy voice called to him and he turned to see Kendra staring at him blearily. "Why are you still awake?"
He shrugged noncommittally and glanced away. He didn't want them to know that he was resisting sleep to watch over them. The last thing he needed was more sympathy from that girl than he was alredy getting. She could see inside his mind at his weakest moments and he thought that, despite his regular gloomy demeanor, Kendra felt rather sorry for him. He didn't need her pity and the last thing he wanted was for her to think that he was watching over them.
"Go to sleep," she murmured, turning over to get a better look at him.
"I'm fine," he snapped.
"You need to sleep," she insisted.
"I don't need to sleep," he replied. "When I sleep, I dream and when I dream . . ." he trailed off, unsure of why he was suddenly telling Kendra his problems.
Silence fell over them, the only sound was the rumbling of the bus and the bouncing beds. Kendra studied Snape for a long moment and he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. She shouldn't be looking at him like that, she was his student, not his therapist. Just as Snapeopened his mouth to say something, Kendra sighed.
"Do you have nightmares?" she asked.
Snape looked away from her. "What business is it of yours?"
"I'm just . . ." she sighed again. "Never mind."
"No," Snape growled softly. "I want to know why you think you deserve to know about my life."
Kendra looked startled for a moment, then sat up in her bed and brushed a few strands of dark hair off her face. She drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them tightly, still watching Snape closely. Her eyes bore into his and he looked away once again, then silently cursed himself for letting her make him feel so uncomfortable. She was just a student . . . granted, she was a student with some extraordinary magical powers but he'd seen more impressive things in his lifetime.
"I just think that you should tell us things," Kendra explained slowly. "You're supposed to be helping us, right?"
Snape didn't reply.
"I'm sorry I said anything," Kendra mumbled, staring out the window of the Night Bus.
Snape growled deep in his throat. "Yes, I have nightmares. Are you happy now?"
Kendra shrunk away from the sharp tone of his words, but nodded anyway.
"Go back to sleep," Snape ordered.
She frowned. "No, you go to sleep."
"I don't want to," he muttered, then had to resist the urge to yawn.
"I'll stay awake," Kendra said. "I know you're scared we'll be attacked, but I can stay awake and watch."
Snape stared at her for a long moment, then shook his head. He couldn't let her take his position and watch over them. She didn't have his discipline, she'd fall asleep and then they'd all be in trouble.
Kendra chuckled softly. "I won't fall asleep."
Snape's eyes narrowed. "I thought you couldn't read minds."
"I can't. It's written all over your face."
Snape fell silent, hating that he was so easily read by this girl. He had worked for years at being cryptic and hard to understand and yet, she could see right through him.
"Fine," he grumbled, only to break the steady gaze between them. He turned over in the bed and settled down, pulling the blanket over his shoulders and closing his eyes. He could hear Kendra rustling around in her bed, leaning over to reach for something and snapping on the light beside her. His ears picked up the sounds of the others breathing slowly and steadily, and the sound was comforting in a way he could have never imagined. He slipped into sleep quicker than he expected, but as his mind shut down, he knew that the nightmares would come . . .
. . . A stone gargoyle stared down at Severus Snape, as if daring him to enter the home of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. He stared back, dark eyes narrowed and his hood pulled up over his face to prevent identification if any Aurors were to see him go inside. The war was brewing around them all, bursting at the seams and waiting to spill over onto the innocent bystanders.
Snape made a disgusted face at the thought of this. In his mind, no one was innocent. He'd seen far too much to pretend that there were still Wizards in the world that weren't involved in the fight, whether it be on the side of Voldemort or on the side of the good.
Snape felt a lump working its way into his stomach, twisting his insides in a mass of nerves. He hadn't felt this horribly nervous since his first meeting as a Death Eater. Now, six years later, he was standing on the Malfoy's doorstep, waiting to attend his first meeting as a spy for Albus Dumbledore.
"Bloody hell," he murmured, his voice hoarse. His stomach rolled, threatened to expell his dinner, then settled again. He raised one hand and leaned it against the cool stone of the wall, supporting himself until he felt he would be able to walk into the meeting without losing the contents of his stomach. He couldn't walk into the room looking like he did or the other Death Eaters would automatically suspect something. Snape was paler than usual, his hands were shaking and a thin sheen of sweat covered his forehead.
"Breathe," he instructed himself. "Just bloody well breathe. You can't expect to feel great when you're not even breathing."
After a few moments of coaching himself and taking the time to calm his nerves, Snape straightened and walked into the house, the heavy door slamming behind him. He jumped at the noise, then cursed himself. He couldn't afford to act like a frightened child, not when so much was at stake.
With carefully measured steps, Snape took the route he knew by heart. The darkened hall, the winding staircases . . . he'd been there countless times before for countless meetings. It was simple, all he had to do was join the others and listen to what Voldemort had to say. He would be fine, he would be safe. All he had to do was listen and then report back to Dumbldore. It was a simple task, one that he would not botch.
"Severus!"
The voice startled him and he jumped again, turning quickly. Narcissa Malfoy was standing at the foot of a staircase behind him, smiling gently at his fear. His stomach stirred again and Snape placed one palm flat against his abdomen, hoping to calm himself.
"Severus," she said again, the soft smile on her lips growing wider. "You're early. The meeting doesn't start for another half hour."
"I have to see Lucius," he grumbled, more to himself.
Narcissa laughed and walked toward him, long, elegant strides. Snape tried not to look at her, he hated Narcissa and hated the way she flaunted her looks in front of any man she could. Lucius Malfoy was an attractive man, but apparently that wasn't good enough for his wife. She was attractive herself and she found ways to use her looks even within the ranks of the Death Eaters.
"Lucius is busy, love. Why don't you come upstairs for a while, have some tea while we wait for the others to get here."
Severus shook his head vehemently. "I don't have the time Narcissa."
She slid up to him soundlessly, fingers pressing against his chest. "Don't say that you don't have time for me Severus Snape. Lucius wouldn't like it if I told him how angry you sometimes make me."
Snape sighed and took a step backward just as Narcissa's hands came up and pushed his hood back. It fell from his face, dropping around his neck and she smiled.
"That's better," she purred.
"Narcissa," Snape growled, grabbing one of her wrists tightly.
"What?" she asked, grinning mischeviously. "You don't want to play?" She shook herself lose from his grip and pushed him backward until he felt the hard stone wall against his back. "You can only give so much of yourself to Voldemort, the rest you have to save for someone else."
"You Narcissa?" Snape chuckled softly, a dangerous sound to anyone who knew him well. "You think I would save the rest of myself for you?" His eyes shone darkly, burning into her gaze. "Why would I do a thing like that?"
Narcissa pouted, still pressing herself against him. "Don't play games with me Severus. I know you better than you know yourself."
Snape leaned down toward her, his nerves melting away as he felt a familiar rage take over. His mouth neared her ear, his breath hot on her neck as he whispered, "Don't upset me Narcissa, not today. You don't know what you're in for if I lose my temper."
She grinned. "I don't?"
Snape's eyes narrowed as he moved away. "You have no idea."
"Are you threatening me?" she asked playfully. "Because I know what you can do to hurt me Severus . . . just come upstairs."
Snape grinned dangerously, his eyes flashing with the ideas that Narcissa was putting in his head. She saw his reaction and leaned toward him, her mouth inches from his own.
Snape's hand clamped down tightly on her wrist and he turned around, slamming her against the stone wall. She let out a tiny shriek before his other hand closed down upon her mouth, cutting off any sound.
"I could kill you," he whispered, "and no one would know. I could make you suffer in ways you can't even begin to imagine." He leaned in again. "Leave me the hell alone."
Then he was gone, Narcissa Malfoy was still pressed against the wall, her mind reeling from Snape's reaction to her attempted seduction. He turned down a darkened hall and was gone, once again in search of Lucius Malfoy.
It was in that interaction with Narcissa that Snape finally saw what he had become. She knew the monster inside him, in more ways than one and Snape suddenly loathed everything he had ever said to her, everything he had ever done to get her attention. She was a beast, a monster more vile than himself, and he had allowed himself to be taken in by her.
"Bitch," he muttered under his breath, furious with himself for ever letting her touch him.
"Watch what you say about me," Narcissa's voice floated toward him.
Snape sighed and turned again, finding her standing near him, a dagger dangling from one of her hands.
"You don't just threaten me in my own home," she said, "you do know that, don't you?"
Snape turned his eyes to the floor, studying his trembling hands beneath his robes. This was the last thing he needed, if Narcissa was furious with him she would ruin everything. She would accuse him of everything she could possibly think of it, just to get him in trouble. Little did she know, those accusations of betrayal would be true.
She held up the dagger and it gleamed softly in the light. A poisonous smile crossed her lips and she whispered, "The other meetings will be held elsewhere Severus. Don't you ever come back to my home again or I will kill you. Don't you ever come back here again . . . ever."
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