A/N: I wrote this fic while listening to Queen and Ulm Knabenmusik (who, by
the way are really awesome) CDs. May be super-weird, cannot tell myself as
in a permanent state of super-weirdness. Also, may contain spoilers. You
have been warned.
BTW - this is set at about the time of 'The Two Towers' and during the 4th Harry Potter book.
To Sauron, the 'Dark Lord' smirks No, I will not come to your V-day party. You're just having one to show off, and rub it in that you're better than me, which you're not. Also, I don't care for the foul creatures you keep for company, nor for your company. Anyway, I have my own evil plans to sort out. How do you know you'll be victorious anyway? You can't even steal jewellery from under- grown men. You sound too cocky. I will laugh for all of eternity if you fail. Which you will. I'll start laughing now to save time. Voldemort, the real Dark Lord
To Voldemort the Inferior Little Newt for a Dark Lord. I wouldn't start laughing if I were you, he-who-cannot-kill-little-children- but-can-only-inflict-scars-on-their-foreheads. What do you mean, if I fail? How, may I ask, can I fail? Those stupid mortals can not resist each other, let alone a trinket of awesome power. Alas, we agree on one thing though, brother. I don't care much for those slimy orcs either. But they are amazingly useful. All I have to do is watch while they all go off and get killed in my name. Quite entertaining really. But what I really need now is a foot massage, or I would if I wasn't so disembodied. Must write it on my 'to do' list, right after 'find One Ring of power'. I will expect to see you at my party. Sauron, the Supreme Dark Lord
To Sauron, the Cocky and Infuriating. Why don't you just go play with your jewellery and leave me to conquer in peace? Just because you 're older you think you're so much better than me. If I come to your party I'll have to bring Nagini, she's been getting hungry. At least I've got better pets than you, and their more faithful. All your servants want is power for themselves. Wormtail can help me have my own body again. Then we'll see who is the greater Dark Lord. Huh! Voldemort the Thoroughly Ticked Off.
To Voldemort the Jealous and Meek. By all means, bring you pets. Shelob could do with a good meal. Anyway, I don't think I'm better than you, I know it. I also know that all my servants want is power. Do you honestly think the un-sleeping, un- blinking, all-seeing eye is blind? Ambition is very precious, without it my servants would never do as well as they do. It's just that I know how to control them, which is more than I can say for some disembodied forces of evil who call themselves 'Dark Lords'. I would like to meet this 'Wormtail' character. He sounds quite interesting. Bring him to the party, if you will. Then Shelob could really have her fill. But how do you know that this time it will work? You've been trying to get a body of your own for fourteen years now, it's really getting quite repetitive and dull. I'm getting sick of you always complaining about failure. Please, after you fail to get a body this time, spare me of your complaints, go torment some other being. It's not going to be easy ruling the whole of Middle-earth, and the last thing I need is you dropping round letters full of complaints and tears. So long Sauron, the Older, Wiser, and Far Closer to Once Again Being Embodied.
BTW - this is set at about the time of 'The Two Towers' and during the 4th Harry Potter book.
To Sauron, the 'Dark Lord' smirks No, I will not come to your V-day party. You're just having one to show off, and rub it in that you're better than me, which you're not. Also, I don't care for the foul creatures you keep for company, nor for your company. Anyway, I have my own evil plans to sort out. How do you know you'll be victorious anyway? You can't even steal jewellery from under- grown men. You sound too cocky. I will laugh for all of eternity if you fail. Which you will. I'll start laughing now to save time. Voldemort, the real Dark Lord
To Voldemort the Inferior Little Newt for a Dark Lord. I wouldn't start laughing if I were you, he-who-cannot-kill-little-children- but-can-only-inflict-scars-on-their-foreheads. What do you mean, if I fail? How, may I ask, can I fail? Those stupid mortals can not resist each other, let alone a trinket of awesome power. Alas, we agree on one thing though, brother. I don't care much for those slimy orcs either. But they are amazingly useful. All I have to do is watch while they all go off and get killed in my name. Quite entertaining really. But what I really need now is a foot massage, or I would if I wasn't so disembodied. Must write it on my 'to do' list, right after 'find One Ring of power'. I will expect to see you at my party. Sauron, the Supreme Dark Lord
To Sauron, the Cocky and Infuriating. Why don't you just go play with your jewellery and leave me to conquer in peace? Just because you 're older you think you're so much better than me. If I come to your party I'll have to bring Nagini, she's been getting hungry. At least I've got better pets than you, and their more faithful. All your servants want is power for themselves. Wormtail can help me have my own body again. Then we'll see who is the greater Dark Lord. Huh! Voldemort the Thoroughly Ticked Off.
To Voldemort the Jealous and Meek. By all means, bring you pets. Shelob could do with a good meal. Anyway, I don't think I'm better than you, I know it. I also know that all my servants want is power. Do you honestly think the un-sleeping, un- blinking, all-seeing eye is blind? Ambition is very precious, without it my servants would never do as well as they do. It's just that I know how to control them, which is more than I can say for some disembodied forces of evil who call themselves 'Dark Lords'. I would like to meet this 'Wormtail' character. He sounds quite interesting. Bring him to the party, if you will. Then Shelob could really have her fill. But how do you know that this time it will work? You've been trying to get a body of your own for fourteen years now, it's really getting quite repetitive and dull. I'm getting sick of you always complaining about failure. Please, after you fail to get a body this time, spare me of your complaints, go torment some other being. It's not going to be easy ruling the whole of Middle-earth, and the last thing I need is you dropping round letters full of complaints and tears. So long Sauron, the Older, Wiser, and Far Closer to Once Again Being Embodied.