The Incredible Edible Spreadable

Treble Clef

By Princess Licorice

Disclaimer, Dedication, and junk: For my friend Miss K, who would not let me sleep nights without having me write the mandatory Clef-glorification fic. May she and Clef be happily wed and have many hyperactive children together. NOT for the Rayearth fans, because I'm not a fan myself, have only seen the first two volumes, and am only writing this to appease my bud. All characters, especially the short one himself, are subject to bashing and OOC behavior. Some indecent things may be implied, just to warn you. I do not own Magic Knights Rayearth or anything associated with it, excepting video cassettes, nor do I own Clef, although I'm sure my friend would claim ownership of him herself. When she gets her pants sued off, I won't be surprised.

There is one more thing I'd like to say to my friend.

"Manhandled."

Inside joke. Read on.

PART I: STONED

Lightning flashed in the sky above, illuminating the lonely landscape of Cephiro. Amid the sparse vegetation and various large boulders a single, short statue stood. It looked to be in the likeness of an overdressed five-year old boy, decked out in fancy robes, jewels, and a short, horn-like ornament jutting out on his forehead. He held an ornate staff that was easily twice his height. A serene smile graced his stone face. Despite that this statue seemed lifeless on the outside, on the inside it was very much alive. This statue contained the soul of a living, breathing, 745 year old Master Mage who was world renowned as Clef, or according to some hormone-crazed females, Cleffie. And on the inside, he was anything but happy.

His thoughts ran as follows:

"#$%& those Magic Knights! If I hadn't been so distracted by their incredible stupidity I would not have allowed myself to be turned into stone! It is all their fault! I cannot BREATH in here. This is a situation unworthy of a Master Mage. To think I was defeated by a bum like Zagato! If Princess Emeraude hadn't foolishly glued herself to the bedroom floor this would never have happened. Yes, it all started with a bottle of condensed Pepsi, and then she found that glue stick…" He would have shuddered at this thought, but then he remembered he couldn't because he was "stoned". "GARGH!" he thought to himself, "Surely she can find something other to do than cry and pray pathetically. If she had the power to summon those impudent Magic Knights then she surely could unstone me. Oh dear, my language is deteriorating. It must be the lack of oxygen…"

Suddenly, a yellow bolt of lightning fell from the sky and zapped the statue. The large ('scuse me) short hunk of stone emitted a small moan.

"I hate lightning."

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

Clef was trying desperately hard to sleep, despite being stuck eternally in a standing position, when his attention was diverted to the sound of an echoing "pu pu". He blearily cleared his mind of the sleep that was just barely eluding him.

"Oh, it's you."

The image of Mokona appeared in Clef's mind. It smiled at him and continued to idiotically emit pu pu noises.

"What do you want Mokona? I'm somewhat busy here!"

"Pupu pupu pupu pupu PuPUUUUU!" (Yeah, right!)

Clef fumed inside of the statue. Mokona continued. "Pu pu…" (Those weird schoolgirls wanna talk to you because they think you're cute.) Clef sighed inwardly.

"All right, let me speak to them."

Umi's large and angry face materialized in his mind's eye.

"CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!"

Clef had an aneurysm.

"I NEED MAGIC NOW!"

"……Ow…..Umi….."

"SHUT UP SHRIMP I NEED MAGIC! ALCYONE IS KICKING HIKARU'S ASS AND FUU AND I NEED MAGIC TO WIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

The Master Mage unleashed a large mental sweatdrop. "You need magic? YOU NEED MAGIC?! Woman, I don't know if you've noticed recently, but I have been turned into a rock!"

"JUST GIVE ME MAGIC YOU SPARKLY PEBBLE!" Clearly, Umi had been caught up in the heat of battle, for she had no idea as to what she was saying.

Clef used his Master Mage training to prevent himself from making any further outbursts. Taking a deep breath (or at least pretending to, being a statue and all) he said, "Say the magic word."

"Um…TACO!!!"

"NO!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?! THE MAGIC WORD IS TACO!"

"Fine, whatever." If Hikaru was really in trouble, she would probably be dead by the time he taught Umi some manners. Despite how much he cringed at the thought of saving the person who had practically caused his petrification, he still could not afford to have her die.

"Look deep inside yourself," he intoned in his most serene, calming voice.

Umi peered down the bosom of her uniform.

"No no no you hentai, the other inside!"

Umi blushed.

"No, not there either!"

"DAMMIT! WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO LOOK?"

Clef sweatdropped once again inside of his stone encasement. "Look. Just do some fancy body movements and yell 'WATER DRAGON' alright?"

Umi blinked several times as the information snaked its way into her brain. Then it seemed she had gotten the message. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, DINKY!"

She disappeared before Clef could make a retort. Shortly thereafter, he could hear her yelling the prescribed spell, and then he heard several loud crashing noises and a sickening scream. Fuu's face suddenly appeared.

"Clef, help please!"

"Hello Fuu. What can I do for you?" He liked Fuu. She was the only one of the Magic Knights who had the potential for sanity.

"Master Clef, it's Hikaru…"

In the background, he could just make out Hikaru cursing violently at Umi.

"Umi's magic hit Hikaru instead of Alcyone and, and…" Her eyes began to water up.

"Don't panic! Fuu! It's all right! I can give you magic."

This time, tears began to run down her face. Tears of joy. "Oh, thank you, Mage Clef!"

*Well, what do you know? She has manners!* Clef thought.

"Okay, just say 'Wind of Healing" and…"

"OK!" Fuu disappeared.

*The again, maybe she doesn't….*

Clef heard several sparkly noises and what sounded like a blast of wind. A few minutes then passed in silence, and Clef began to wonder if the girls had won or not. He was actually beginning to feel sorry about losing them. Hikaru might have been somewhat thickheaded, but she was sincere enough. Umi was too loud, and too stuck on herself, but at she had a strong determination. And poor Fuu. She had been lacking somewhat in the guts department, but at least she had been gifted with smarts and something along the lines of manners…

Mokona's face suddenly reappeared, confirming that the girls were at the very least alive. Oh well. At least he had done his good deed for the day.

"Pupupu Pupupuuu Pupuuupu Poopy." (Thanks Clef. Everything's fine now. Hikaru and Umi made up and are having a make-out session, and Fuu ran off with her cardboard cutout of Ferio. See ya!) Mokona disappeared, leaving Clef alone with what would have been a gaping mouth, had he been able to open it.

"What the hell? Did I just…..," his thoughts trailed off as he realized he was better off not thinking about it. Even if it killed time. He tried as desperately as he could to think of anything else besides what he had just heard, and soon fell back, with some difficulty, back into his old train of thought.

Above the lonely landscape of Cephiro, the dark clouds slowly began to lighten, and then blow away on the breeze. Weak rays of early evening sun shone down on the lone statue of Clef, giving it an ethereal, peaceful glow. But on the inside, he was not peaceful at all.

"I'm hungry. There's no food around here. No television either. Curse the gods, I've gotta pee!"

End of Part One

I hope it was good for you. Certainly was for me.