Disclaimer: None of the characters (except for in later chapters) in this fanficition belong to moi. They all belong to the wonderful J. K. Rowling. So please don't sue me. Oh yes, but several characters coming up in future chapters are mine... I'll let you know, though! Thank you for your time and patience. And now on to the story! *Giggles insanely*
ALSO the little excerpts from Defense Against Fresh Fruit is from Monty Python's Flying Circus. MPFC in turn belongs to Monty Python, a group of six hysterically funny men: Graham Chapman, John Cleese (Nearly Headless Nick in the movie) Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, and Michael Palin. To them, I owe not only a little device to lengthen the story (which, mind you, has NOTHING to do with the plot), but also hours upon hours of rolling around on the floor, clutching my sides. I love you guys... ::hugs:: Also, I don't really care if that show wasn't on in the daytime. Does it look like I care? No? Well, see, I told you so.
Chapter Five: Confrontations and Adventures With Muggle Household Items
Lily quietly shut the door to her room behind her. So she was a witch. So she had magical powers. Or so everybody thought... So now what was she supposed to do? She rubbed her temples with her fingertips. This was all too much for her to handle. First there was the move, and now this?
"You don't look all bright and chipper today," said an annoyingly happy voice.
Lily looked around her room in a daze. Nobody was in her room except for her... Then she remembered to look up at the window. "You!" she breathed.
"Me!" came James's muffled reply through the glass. He was again sitting up in the tree, his legs dangling off the side of a branch. Lily rushed over to open the window for him, eager for a bit of company, no matter how irritating it was.
"You've been quiet the last few days," Lily commented after she wrestled the window up, "I was hoping you got hit by a bus."
"Ha ha," James said dryly. He stepped through her open window and into her room.
Lily looked at him incredulously. "I never asked you to come in here, you know."
"I never asked you to open the window, you know. I thought it was an open invitation!" He grinned like an idiot. Lily just stared at him. James died a little. "It was a joke.. You know, you opened the window? An open invitation? Get it? Ha ha?"
Lily laughed and shook her head at him.
"So you do get it!" James announced triumphantly, "You're just a bit slow on the uptake."
Lily just laughed harder and clutched her sides. "It's just—" she choked, "You look like a moronic little git when you smile like that!"
James's smug grin faded. "I do not!"
Lily pointed to the mirror over her dresser. She was now just about doubled over in laughter. James walked over to it and beamed. His jet-black hair seemed to stick up in more ridiculous-looking cowlicks. "See? I don't look like a bloody idiot. I think I look quite handsome myself."
Lily now had a pillow over her face to muffle her laughter. James saw she had tears streaking down her face. "Come on," he said, "It wasn't that funny."
Lily was turning purple at the moment, but she managed to choke out, "You're absolutely right."
"I'm always right."
Lily chose to ignore that comment and went (hiccupping) on. "Really James, you haven't been your nauseating little self the last few days. What's been going on?"
James stared blankly at her. How could she know what's been bothering him? How could she know that more and more witches and wizards in the country were being murdered? How could she know that his father was all but joined at the hip with the Ministry officials for the last five days? She was a Muggle after all, right? "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't lie to me, Jimmy. It's written all over your face."
"Don't call me Jimmy. Besides, why should I tell you anything? I barely even know you."
"I barely even know you," Lily countered, "but you're here sitting in my room."
"I never knew you were that type of girl, Evans." James snorted.
Lily stood up and kicked James in the shin, and he yelped. She'd barely been talking to him for five minutes and already she was losing her temper. "Honestly," she snapped, "You have to make some stupid bloody joke out of everything!"
"No I —" but he was cut off by Lily's mother yelling up the stairs.
"What was that, mum?" Lily called.
"Are you all right dear?" Came Mrs. Evans's concerned voice.
"I'm okay," Lily lied, "but I think I'm coming down with something!" she pretended to cough.
"Do you want me to bring you anything Lily?"
"No thanks, Mum. I'm fine!" Lily lowered her voice and turned to James, hissing, "I was just trying to be nice, you know, after the way we started off—"
This time, it was James's turn to snap. "Well you know what? I don't need you to be nice to me. I don't even want you to be nice to me! But just so's you know, I haven't seen my father at all in five days! That's what's been going on. When he does get home, he crawls straight to bed without eating, so now he looks like he's the walking dead! I haven't seen him, and my mum's gone all but insane with worry! That's why I haven't been anywhere, because the bloody Ministry can't—" he caught himself.
"The bloody what can't what?" Lily asked. There was a genuinely concerned look upon her face now.
"Forget everything I just said," James said testily, "Those matters don't concern you." And I hope they never will, he thought. With a frown, he stood up heavily and headed for the wide-open window. "You have no right to know." He glared at Lily coldly one last time before climbing out.
¤~*~¤~*~¤~*~¤
As he was climbing down the oak tree, James mentally berated himself. He shouldn't have lost his temper like that. He almost leaked very important information to a Muggle! She had absolutely no right to know what had been up in the Wizarding World. And his little rant gave the impression that his family was falling apart. What a joke! He knew, that even in the midst of all this, his family would stay rock-solid. They always have, they always will! Right?
¤~*~¤~*~¤~*~¤
Lily sighed and closed the window behind him. He was right, as usual. She barely even knew him, and already she was asking very personal questions. And to force him into answering? She had quite a lot of nerve... But still, he had walked right into her territory... Literally speaking.
Lily trumped downstairs lazily, and had grabbed the phone from it's receiver before she reached the bottom. Perhaps calling Alison would take her mind off things for a bit. Her long fingers punched in the all-too familiar number deftly. She waited for someone to pick up on the other line.
One ring...
Two rings....
Three rings.....
C'mon, Als, pick up the phone!
Four rings......
"Hello?" said a girl's voice, "Who is this, please?"
"Ali!" Lily almost screamed.
"But I'm Ali," Ali said.
"Alison, it's Lily...." Lily's heart sank a bit. Did her best friend forget about her already?
The girl on the other line laughed, "I know that you dolt! I was kidding!"
Lily chucked nervously, "I knew that...."
"Of course you did. Say, how're things going in Sudbury? Did'ja make any new friends?"
Lily winced at the 'friends' comment. Ali didn't seem to realize how much that little bit hurt her. It was very difficult for Lily to make friends, especially since her thid year. Other children had labeled her "strange" then. Just because Lily accidentally began to make things splinter or explode when she got upset. One time, she accidentally made one girl break her arm when she broke the wooden frame of a swing set. The swing itself broke off, and the girl fell ten feet to the ground on her wrist. It wasn't Lily's fault that the other girl was making fun of her for the way her mother had done her hair that morning. But especially after that little incident, all the other children avoided her like the plague. She was the outcast. And to top all that off, she was a smart girl, the reluctant teacher's pet, always getting top marks in everything. And everyone resented her. Well, almost everyone.
There was the remarkable Ali, her best friend since the first grade. She was fun, and nice. And she was likeable.
Lily thought for a moment. Likeable to most... Since she was hanging around with Lily, a few kids started to avoid her. Once, in fourth year, the pen of a child sitting in front of her exploded—not just leaked—exploded! That poor boy couldn't get the ink out of his hair for days. But ever since that mishap, a few people were more wary of her. The majority was still nice though. They didn't scoot away when she sat near them at lunch. They didn't snicker about her behind her back. They didn't even call her rude names! They had(along with Lily) just dismissed that as a coincidence. The girl who was friends with the Evans freak just happened to be sitting behind the kid whose pen exploded... BIG DEAL! That was everyone's attitude.
So while Lily, the freak and the geek hung back with a rude, snappish attitude, Ali went on being fun and nice and likeable to most kids. Except for one thing. She was as stubborn as a mule. That drove a lot of people up the wall.
Whenever anyone made fun of Lily, Ali was always there, ready to back her up, in spite of all the rumors that might be circulating about her the next day. And when they tried to convince her that Lily wasn't normal, Ali would just say that Lily was her friend, that Ali herself was always right, and that was the end of that. Whenever she got into an argument with anyone—about Lily, homework, Lily, research assignments, Lily, spelling, or Lily—she'd all but cover her ears and chant "I'm right, you're not, I win," over and over. You couldn't tell her she was wrong. Not even Lily could.
Ali was the most stubborn, headstrong jackass that Lily knew.
And she was grateful for that.
And she thanked God for that.
She was what kept Lily sane.
So she swallowed her grief and proceeded to tell her best friend of James, the strange young man who sat outside her bedroom window and started arguments. Then she told her about how she caught him wandering around at night, and how he crawled right through her opened window and threw a hissy right in the middle of her room.
Ali laughed. "This kid does sound awfully cute though! How old is he again?"
"Our age," Lily said, "I think."
"Oh.... I thought he was about six..." Both Ali and Lily laughed.
"But he isn't the strangest thing around here though," Lily said, "Just today I got this strange letter, saying some rubbish like I was a w—"
"Hey," Ali said flatly. Lily could hear her little sisters wailing about the wrong telly show in the background. Then there was the sound of something going clunk and smash. One of the little girls screamed. Ali muttered, "Little brats," under her breath. "They just broke one of my porcelain dolls! My granny gave me that one! I loved that one!" and then—"Georgia, GET AWAY FROM THOSE PIECES! THEY'RE SHARP!"
"Maybe I should go. You sound er.... busy right now."
Ali snorted. "Tell me about it. And later, do you believe... Mum asked me to take the brats to the doctors with her this afternoon. They have to get their shots done. I guess somebody's gotta be there to hold 'em down. Or maybe to crawl under the chairs to get 'em and stuff. Sounds fun, eh?"
Lily giggled in spite of herself. "Good luck! Sound's like you'll need it!"
"Yeah, thanks," Ali said. "I'll call you back when l get home, alright? It may not be for a while, mind you..."
"That's fine. Whatever I have to tell you can wait for a bit."
"Okay Lil. I'll talk to you later?"
"You bet." Lily grinned as she heard the click on the other line. Maybe mum and dad'll let Ali stay at their house for the remainder of the summer. She really needed a break from just her sister and James to talk to. She gently hung up the receiver. That sounded like a good plan for the rest of the summer. Besides, Ali would probably love this place. Even with all of the work the family had been putting into it, the house still looked just as old and haunted as it did when they first arrived. Lily grinned even wider and turned making her way to the parlor. She knew that Monty Python would be on in just a minute.
This was actually a pretty good day. She talked to a friend, she was brewing plans for the summer, and her favorite telly show was on.
Suddenly Lily collided with something—someone—tall and lanky, and she fell backwards to the floor. Lily shook her head and looked up. The gray eyes of Petunia stared back down at her.
"Hi Petunia," Lily said cheerfully from the floor. "Monty Python's on soon. Do you wanna watch it with me?" she stuck out her hand for Petunia to help her up. Petunia didn't take it.
"Pet, can you help me up?"
Petunia stared down at her sister. Lily was now starting to get a bit unnerved.
"Petunia, what's the matter? Did I hurt you?"
"Lily...." Petunia whispered softly, "Mum and dad just told me."
"About what?"
"You're a witch?" Petunia asked in amazement.
Lily snapped back to her senses. She had almost forgotten about that. She knew it could affect her life, if it was true. "Oh, that. That's what the letter says. I'm to be going to a boarding school of sorts, I think. To learn magic.... Or so it says. I think it's just some dumb hoax."
"I don't think so," Petunia murmured, "Look out the window." She grasped Lily's outstretched hand and heaved her up. Lily slowly walked over to the large bay window in the parlor and gazed out. On the fencepost right outside their property a large tawny owl perched, it's huge eyes wide open. "The letter you got said to contact them by owl right?"
Lily nodded slowly, her mouth wide open.
"And owls are nocturnal, if I am not mistaken. And mind you, I passed sixth year biology, so I probably am not mistaken. Lily, it's still bright and sunny out. Does that say—scream—something to you?"
Lily nodded dumbly again. In a pine near by, she saw yet another owl. This one was wide awake also.
"Lil, you're shaking, did you know?" Petunia asked offhandedly.
Lily looked down at her hand quickly. It was shaking uncontrollably. She tried to clench it into a fist, but it only closed half way. "I—It has to be a hoax, Petunia." she said shakily, "Magic... It—it isn't real. It's only a diversion—sideshow—at carnivals and on the telly and..."
"Lily, stop kidding yourself. It's what you are. You can't deny that." Petunia looked her sister straight in the eye, "And Monty Python gives me nightmares."
With that, Petunia turned and walked stiffly upstairs, leaving her sister to ponder what she just said. Especially the part about the nightmares....
¤~*~¤~*~¤~*~¤
As soon as she was sure that Lily couldn't see her, Petunia scowled. So Lily, her little sister, just happened to be a witch. Wonderful, she thought bitterly. She stomped angrily to her room and threw open the door. It hit the wall with loud bang, and Petunia could just imagine Lily jumping at the sudden noise. It made her grin.
She flopped tiredly onto her bed and pulled out the novel she was reading. Something about Merlin and Arthur's half-sister, Morgan LeFay. A story of good versus evil. A story of magic. Petunia threw it across the room in disgust.
Lily had never believed in magic and the supernatural. And all those gifts were wasted on her. And Petunia—the one who wanted nothing more than to be a part of Merlin's world, to wield a wand, to cast spells and enchantments—she got nothing. She got absolutely nothing except the sister who got everything.
For all her life, Petunia wished that magic was real. She had read all the books on the great sorcerers and sorceresses. She remembered running around her house when she was younger and pretending that she could fly on a broomstick. She often made wands or scepters out of sticks she found around in the schoolyard. She wanted to be magical with everything she had in her.
And yet it was Lily who got it. It wasn't fair. The one who believed magic was a farce got the gift that the one who believed coveted.
But Petunia knew she should be happy for her sister. This was big. This was very big. She couldn't let her sour little attitude spoil it for everyone. She should just grin and bear it. But she had a few things to do first.
Petunia went to her closet and pulled out a box from the move. Then she proceeded to pick up the book she threw across the room and hurled it into the box. Then she swiped all the fantasy books from the bookcase and into the box. She took all the posters off the walls, all the figurines off her desk and threw them all, unceremoniously, into the same box. She broke the head off of the porcelain figure of a wizard in dark blue robes and lobbed it out the window. It landed in a neighbor's lawn.
Finally she took one last thing... A picture of her and Lily from Halloween seven years ago. Lily was dressed up in a frilly pink fairy's gown, the cloth wings hanging from her shoulders. She was smiling, her long red hair flowing down her back. She was beautiful. Petunia was beside her, in long black robes and a witch's hat, holding up a magic wand.
Petunia held the picture in her hand for so long. She stared at it. Then she put it, face down, on her desk.
¤~*~¤~*~¤~*~¤
Mrs. Evans and Petunia walked out the door. Lily waved them on. She knew Petunia needed her school uniform for the next year. She could hear the two talking through the closed door. They wouldn't be back 'til late, she knew that. All the better. Watching Monty Python was better when you could laugh out loud without anyone telling you to shut up.
She had just sat down on the couch with a bowl of popcorn when there was a knock on the door. She looked at it, but did not answer it. Lily was no idiot. Whoever-it-was knocked again.
"Evans, I know you're in there!" yelled a voice. A very agitating voice at that. Lily chose to ignore it again.
"Do I have to break in, or are you going to invite me?!"
Lily yelled back, "No one's home!"
"Oh alright," the voice said again, "I see Lily's window is open. I'll just climb up and wait for her then!"
Lily rolled her eyes. "Coming, you git!" She called. She calmly walked to the door, taking her time. Then she unbolted it and opened it a crack. "If I let you in, what will you give me?"
James looked at her with wide brown eyes. "My heart," he pouted.
Lily rolled her eyes again and attempted to slam the door in his face. But something caught James's eye. In a corner, he could see figures moving about a flat screen. He held out his arm.
"No, really Evans. I came to say that I'm sorry for losing my temper earlier."
Lily opened the door wide this time. "Really?"
"No," he stepped inside. "and I was joking about the heart thing too."
"I figured as much," Lily said dryly as James sat himself right in the middle of the couch in the parlor. In Lily's seat. Munching on Lily's popcorn. She frowned. "Is it a custom in this part of the country to just barge in whenever you feel like it?
"Bloody hell," James said, "Are you that thick? Of course not. But I'm just a boisterous and outgoing little boy, I am. This is how I make friends." He flashed an insincere smile.
Lily put on a fake smile herself. "Oh, I see it now. This is just like what dogs do when they sniff each other's asses. Only this is much more rude."
"Yes, kind of." James looked up at her from the TV. "Then would you rather if I sniffed your ass?"
Lily looked appalled. "Of course not!" she nearly screamed.
"I didn't think so," James said calmly. He turned his attention back to the box-with-moving-pictures. He looked just in time to see a large, animated foot squash a group of words with a farting noise. It all happened too quickly. He couldn't see what they said.
"Get out of my seat," Lily said.
James looked up at her. "No."
"Why?"
"I feel quite comfortable here, thank you very much."
Lily sighed and then sat herself down on the couch also. As far away from James as she could, of course. "Could you at least pass the bloody popcorn?"
James looked down into the bowl. "It doesn't look bloody to me. Is there something about you I should know about?"
Lily fed his own words back at him with a scowl. "Why should I tell you anything? I barely even know you. Just watch the television."
James looked down at his hands. He did feel bad for being rude earlier, but she didn't have to rub it in. He handed her the popcorn without another word.
"Thank you," Lily said.
"Don't mention it," James said with a frown. He looked back up at the—what did she say?—Tellesivon? Whatever. On its front side he could see five men in white tee shirts and shorts lined up, shoulder to shoulder. In front of them was another man in the same white uniform, barking orders. So this was what Muggles called entertainment?
"Evans," He asked, "Can I go get a drink?"
"Help yourself Potter," Lily said, not taking her eyes from the screen.
James got up and walked his way to the kitchen, looking all around him. This was what a Muggle's house was like? James looked at a portrait on the wall. He stared at it. For a very long time. None of the people moved.
What a bore! James thought, and looked the other way. On a small wooden stand near the stairs was a small, shiny box with a dog-bone shaped device on the top. A long, curly cord ran from the box to the dog bone.
James took a quick glance at Lily to make sure she wasn't looking. Then he quietly picked the shiny dog bone up and held it in front of his face. Then he saw something else. On the box, there was a dial with numbers. He stuck his finger in a random number and turned. The dial spun around and then clicked back into place. He did that again several times. Now this is fun, he thought.
Just then he heard a faint ringing. James put the thing to his ear.
"Hello?" said an aggravated voice. It sounded as if it were from far away. It also sounded as if the person speaking had no teeth.
James froze.
"Hello?" The voice asked again.
James could feel the breath rising and falling in his chest. He was sure that the old man at the other end could hear it too.
"Goddamn kids!" the voice roared loudly. James bit his lip. He had the terrible urge to either burst out laughing of run away screaming. "I'LL FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE HELL RAISER, AND WHEN I DO, I SWEAR ON MY WIFE'S GRAVE THAT YOU'LL WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN BORN!"
James slammed the thing down onto the shiny box. Those things were dangerous! Those things were amazing!
He giddily continued his way to the kitchen. When he got there, the room was dark. His hands groped the doorway, and they soon found a smooth switch. He flicked it up, and to James's utter amazement, bright light flooded the room. He blinked. That was unexpected.
He quickly searched through all the cabinets for a glass, then proceeded to search for a drink. He looked in every single cabinet but could find none.
"Evans!," he yelled over his shoulder, "Where'd you put the drinks?"
"James, stop being stupid! They're in the refrigerator!"
James looked around. Ok, so they were in the refligergrator, but where was that? What was that?
"Where's the...." he stopped. He didn't want to say it wrong. "Thing?" he finished lamely.
Lily stomped through the doorway. "Honestly James, are you blind? Maybe you need a better prescription." She brushed past him quickly and went over to a large yellow box with doors. From it she plucked two bottles. One of water, one of apple juice. "Which one?"
James looked down at his glass. He didn't want Lily to see that he was turning red. "I'll have the juice."
He should have known. He checked every cabinet in the kitchen except for the large yellow cupboard in the corner. That was dumb.
Lily took the glass from his hands and set it on the counter. "Do I have to pour the drink for you too?" she asked jokingly.
James shook his head, his hair flopping all over the place. Lily laughed then turned and ran back to the parlor.
After he got his drink, he left the bottle of juice on the counter. He didn't want to know the surprises that were in for him if he opened the refligergrator.
James went back to the parlor and sat on his respective side of the couch. The six men in dumb white uniforms were still there, he noticed, and now they were in an argument. This was boring. James looked out the window. He should be getting home soon. It was getting dark.
"WELL I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, MY LAD! WHEN YOU'RE WALKING HOME TONIGHT AND SOME GREAT HOMICIDAL MANIAC COMES AFTER YOU WITH A BUNCH OF LOGANBERRIES, DON'T COME CRYING TO ME!"
James yelped. The apple juice in his glass spilled all down the front of his shirt. Lily snorted. "This isn't scary!"
"Shut up," James said angrily. He tried to wipe the juice off his shirt with his hand. Lily handed him a napkin. The man in the tellesivon went on. He obviously didn't see anything wrong with nearly giving James a heart attack.
"Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you," the man motioned to a someone in line. "Come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all, you force him to drop the banana. Then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless. "
Another man in line spoke up, "Suppose he's got a bunch."
The man in front of the line snapped, "Shut up."
"Suppose he's got a pointed stick."
"Shut up. Right now, you Mr. Apricot!"
"Harrison,"
"Sorry, Mr. Harrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on—"
James looked away from the tellesivon. He normally liked strange things, but this was a bit too strange. Lily, beside him, was going into hysterics. Apparently, Muggles had an odd sense of humor.
James stood up and stretched. Lily managed to calm down a bit and looked at him.
"Where are you going?"
"I think I'll be going home," James said. With that, he turned and walked stiffly out of the room.
"Alright James. Goodbye then." Lily turned back to the telly. "Close the door tightly please. It doesn't stick very well."
"Yup," James said tiredly, "I'll annoy the bogies out of you tomorrow, then you gitty little Redhead?"
Lily stood up, her mouth open. "We were being perfectly civil about everything, and you have to go—"
James laughed heartily and went outside. Before he could turn around to shut the door, however, it was slammed in his face.
"I did the job for you, you jerk!" Lily shouted through the door.
James only laughed harder.
A/N: Aaand that's a wrap on chapter 5! I'm sorry it was so long. I just couldn't help myself. Now run along and review like good little children and adults... but if you're on this site and you're an adult (i.e. old enough to hold a steady job, drive, and you don't live with your parents), I think I'd be forced to call you a loser. ^_^ J/K!