September 7th,
That bloody bastard!
If he thinks for one instant that this is over between us he has got another thing coming! When he gets back he is going to get a piece of my mind.
Conrad had a lot of nerve doing what he did…hell, he calls ME a glory hound. If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black I don't know what is…
Meanwhile I can hardly write, my hands are so bruised up from the abuse I just put them through in the gym. I don't know, I just needed to hit something…to hurt something. I guess I should thank Gung Ho for pulling me away from the punching bag before I did any real damage to myself.
He and Leatherneck took me out for a beer in the hopes of calming my nerves, but I couldn't shake my anger and sat brooding over my pint.
Damn him.
First he steals the show here at the PIT by single handedly taking charge of the situation and pulling off an impressive rout of the enemy invaders. Sure, I was a little jealous, but I am getting used to Duke stealing the limelight every chance he gets.
Then he refused my request to join him on the pay back mission! But that isn't what has me so infuriated…not by half.
When I found out from Roadblock what he was planning I immediately made my way to his office to get the details. I guess I just assumed I was to be included, as it was only to be a few soldiers making the trip…all three of whom were my good buddies…and two of whom were my teammates from before Joe even came about.
To say I was incensed when Duke told me I wasn't invited would be putting it mildly. When I found out he was taking Allie instead I lost it.
"What?! I don't think I heard that correctly…I could have sworn you said you were taking Lady Jaye on this mission and not me."
"There is nothing wrong with your hearing, Flint…" Duke continued to pack his things as I stood to the side, glaring.
"You know damn well I should be going on this recon…you, Roadblock and I have been a team forever…this is MY kind of fight and you know it."
"You don't think she can handle it, is that it? I am sure she would be interested to hear that little tidbit…" he said as he flashed that maddening pretty boy grin.
"Shut up, Conrad…don't put words in my mouth. I'm her partner…I should be there to watch her six…"
"I can watch her six perfectly well, Dash."
"I am sure you will," I sneered, and Conrad's eyes flashed anger.
"I am going to ignore that comment. It's the bloody anger talking again. When are you going to learn to control that temper of yours?"
"When people like you stop stepping all over me!"
He sighed and rolled his eyes. "She is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, Dash…you have seen her in a fire fight…she can hold her own. I have heard good things about her from you and the others…I thought it would be nice to include her on this to see what she can do with my own eyes…"
"I never said she couldn't…but you are going to make her jump out of a plane at night and she is…" I paused as the last bit of his sentence clicked in and I realized what he was up to.
"You BASTARD! I ASKED you to leave her out of it! I TOLD you to leave her out of it!!!" Conrad had the good sense to look ashamed as I bore down on him, but he didn't budge and inch.
"You don't get a vote."
"Like hell I don't! You aren't going to have her, Duke…not for that…not ever…"
"Damn it, Dash…calm down." He gestured sharply, cutting me off "We need someone like her and you know it. You are letting your feelings for her get in the way of impartial judgment. I warned you not to get involved with…"
"Well I did, and so what? I am still one of best soldiers your little team has ever had and you bloody well know it. Besides, she and I have kept things professional…"
"Like the time you allowed that COBRA infiltrator to get away from the PITT with a very expensive piece of equipment because you were too busy sucking face!" He was angry now…things were going to start getting dirty.
How the hell did he know about that?! No one but Jaye and I knew what happened that night. At least that is what I thought…I should have known Duke would find out. He bloody well finds out everything in the end. It's the nature of his job…our job…the one we did before the Joe team.
A job you can never walk away from. It pulls you back in…no matter what it pulls you back in.
"That has nothing to do with it Duke,, and you know it." I growled, "Leave her be…"
"I can't"
"YOU WON'T"
"I CAN'T DASH…" He yelled, slamming his fist against his desk, "We need her…"
"That's bullshit and you know it…find someone else."
He didn't answer me…but looked away.
"I'm warning you Conrad…you and I have been friends for a long time, but so help me if you…"
"So its come down to this then…all these years of friendship…all these years working together and watching each others backs…and you are willing to throw it all away." He laughed but there was no humor in the tone, "You're getting soft…domestic"
If any other person had said that to me they would be on the floor unconscious. But this was Duke…he and I have been through hell together. He saved my life once. He was my friend. Instead I merely clenched my fists and narrowed my eyes in anger.
"And you are getting ruthless…" I hissed.
"This from a man that once slit a ki…" He stopped mid sentence. No. No matter how bad it got between us things like that were NEVER discussed. Ever. It was an unspoken code among our kind. What happened on a mission never happened.
We glared at each other from across the room for what seemed like an eternity, each lost in the memories from the past as we tried to remember that we were friends…teammates...'brothers'.
"Please Conrad…I am going to ask you one more time. " I paused and took a deep breath, "I have followed you to hell and back without question. For once in your life just listen to me! Call them off…Promise me you will call them off."
He had the sense to at least look ashamed.
"I cannot make that promise."
With that I stormed out of his office and slammed the door behind me. There was nothing more to say.
What the hell am I going to do? As much as I am loath to admit it, Duke is right. The decision has been made and there is nothing I can do but hope…pray…that Alison has the sense to turn him down.
But you didn't…did you Dash? All you saw was the glory, the adventure…the challenge. You were so excited when Duke first approached you. You couldn't wait to get started.
How young and stupid you were. How naïve.
The things I have seen. The things I have done…I shudder to remember it all. There are nights when I wake up in a cold sweat…remembering. Alison doesn't understand…although I am sure she wonders what it is that causes the stoic Flint to cling to her at night, holding her tight until the shaking stops.
She doesn't know…and I can never tell her.
I can never explain to her what it means to be a member of 'The Black". How can she even begin to understand what it is like to put your humanity aside in the interests of a mission so top secret that not even the President knows about it? GIJOE is a cakewalk compared to what I used to do.
What we used to do.
Conrad, Marvin and I, we all carry scars from the operations we were ordered on…emotional scars that are suffered in silence. Who can we talk to? For all intents and purposes none of it ever happened. We never even discuss it amongst ourselves!
I cannot let Alison live through what I have lived through. Sure, she has the ability…she is a fantastic soldier…but as much as she tries to hide it I know she has too much heart for this line of work. What Duke will ask her to do will end up tearing out her soul.
I know…it tore out mine.
But how can I convince her if I cannot tell her the truth? I am bound by honor never to speak of it. I cannot break that trust. I will not break that trust.
And yet if I don't she will think I am belittling her abilities and her anger would end up driving her straight into Duke's hands. She is already fuming; having overheard some snippet of the 'conversation' I had with him…
…could it be that this was his plan along?
I went looking for Marvin before heading for the gym. I found him in his room packing his gear, quietly humming a gospel tune I recognized immediately. He hums it before every mission…it is a prayer of sorts…a prayer to keep him and his team safe and bring them home alive.
He didn't even turn around.
"I will watch her, Dash…I will bring her home safe and sound."
"How do I stop this?"
He paused for a moment and sighed. I wasn't talking about the recon and he knew it.
"You can't. There are some things in life that are beyond our control. Of all people I thought that you would know that."
"She won't understand…she doesn't know what it means to join this brotherhood."
"Neither did we…but we did it. We survived. She will as well…"
"I feel so…helpless."
He turned around and faced me, flashing a sad smile.
"Sometimes, my friend…we just have to step back and trust that the people we love will make the right choices."
That's Marvin for you…the quiet voice of reason. Too bad my anger was stoked so high by that point or our little chat might have prevented me from killing myself in the gym.
Eisenhower once said he hated war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity.
I love being a soldier…but there are days that I hate what I do. I have learned over the years that there is no glory in battle, and that it is a fine line we travel between honorable justice and mere strong-arm brutality. Will the history books call us heroes or murderers? Only time will tell.
I know I cannot stop Alison from accepting Duke's offer, anymore than I can stop him from offering it. All I can do is sit idly by and watch as this all unfolds.
I was never any good at being idle.
That bloody bastard!
If he thinks for one instant that this is over between us he has got another thing coming! When he gets back he is going to get a piece of my mind.
Conrad had a lot of nerve doing what he did…hell, he calls ME a glory hound. If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black I don't know what is…
Meanwhile I can hardly write, my hands are so bruised up from the abuse I just put them through in the gym. I don't know, I just needed to hit something…to hurt something. I guess I should thank Gung Ho for pulling me away from the punching bag before I did any real damage to myself.
He and Leatherneck took me out for a beer in the hopes of calming my nerves, but I couldn't shake my anger and sat brooding over my pint.
Damn him.
First he steals the show here at the PIT by single handedly taking charge of the situation and pulling off an impressive rout of the enemy invaders. Sure, I was a little jealous, but I am getting used to Duke stealing the limelight every chance he gets.
Then he refused my request to join him on the pay back mission! But that isn't what has me so infuriated…not by half.
When I found out from Roadblock what he was planning I immediately made my way to his office to get the details. I guess I just assumed I was to be included, as it was only to be a few soldiers making the trip…all three of whom were my good buddies…and two of whom were my teammates from before Joe even came about.
To say I was incensed when Duke told me I wasn't invited would be putting it mildly. When I found out he was taking Allie instead I lost it.
"What?! I don't think I heard that correctly…I could have sworn you said you were taking Lady Jaye on this mission and not me."
"There is nothing wrong with your hearing, Flint…" Duke continued to pack his things as I stood to the side, glaring.
"You know damn well I should be going on this recon…you, Roadblock and I have been a team forever…this is MY kind of fight and you know it."
"You don't think she can handle it, is that it? I am sure she would be interested to hear that little tidbit…" he said as he flashed that maddening pretty boy grin.
"Shut up, Conrad…don't put words in my mouth. I'm her partner…I should be there to watch her six…"
"I can watch her six perfectly well, Dash."
"I am sure you will," I sneered, and Conrad's eyes flashed anger.
"I am going to ignore that comment. It's the bloody anger talking again. When are you going to learn to control that temper of yours?"
"When people like you stop stepping all over me!"
He sighed and rolled his eyes. "She is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, Dash…you have seen her in a fire fight…she can hold her own. I have heard good things about her from you and the others…I thought it would be nice to include her on this to see what she can do with my own eyes…"
"I never said she couldn't…but you are going to make her jump out of a plane at night and she is…" I paused as the last bit of his sentence clicked in and I realized what he was up to.
"You BASTARD! I ASKED you to leave her out of it! I TOLD you to leave her out of it!!!" Conrad had the good sense to look ashamed as I bore down on him, but he didn't budge and inch.
"You don't get a vote."
"Like hell I don't! You aren't going to have her, Duke…not for that…not ever…"
"Damn it, Dash…calm down." He gestured sharply, cutting me off "We need someone like her and you know it. You are letting your feelings for her get in the way of impartial judgment. I warned you not to get involved with…"
"Well I did, and so what? I am still one of best soldiers your little team has ever had and you bloody well know it. Besides, she and I have kept things professional…"
"Like the time you allowed that COBRA infiltrator to get away from the PITT with a very expensive piece of equipment because you were too busy sucking face!" He was angry now…things were going to start getting dirty.
How the hell did he know about that?! No one but Jaye and I knew what happened that night. At least that is what I thought…I should have known Duke would find out. He bloody well finds out everything in the end. It's the nature of his job…our job…the one we did before the Joe team.
A job you can never walk away from. It pulls you back in…no matter what it pulls you back in.
"That has nothing to do with it Duke,, and you know it." I growled, "Leave her be…"
"I can't"
"YOU WON'T"
"I CAN'T DASH…" He yelled, slamming his fist against his desk, "We need her…"
"That's bullshit and you know it…find someone else."
He didn't answer me…but looked away.
"I'm warning you Conrad…you and I have been friends for a long time, but so help me if you…"
"So its come down to this then…all these years of friendship…all these years working together and watching each others backs…and you are willing to throw it all away." He laughed but there was no humor in the tone, "You're getting soft…domestic"
If any other person had said that to me they would be on the floor unconscious. But this was Duke…he and I have been through hell together. He saved my life once. He was my friend. Instead I merely clenched my fists and narrowed my eyes in anger.
"And you are getting ruthless…" I hissed.
"This from a man that once slit a ki…" He stopped mid sentence. No. No matter how bad it got between us things like that were NEVER discussed. Ever. It was an unspoken code among our kind. What happened on a mission never happened.
We glared at each other from across the room for what seemed like an eternity, each lost in the memories from the past as we tried to remember that we were friends…teammates...'brothers'.
"Please Conrad…I am going to ask you one more time. " I paused and took a deep breath, "I have followed you to hell and back without question. For once in your life just listen to me! Call them off…Promise me you will call them off."
He had the sense to at least look ashamed.
"I cannot make that promise."
With that I stormed out of his office and slammed the door behind me. There was nothing more to say.
What the hell am I going to do? As much as I am loath to admit it, Duke is right. The decision has been made and there is nothing I can do but hope…pray…that Alison has the sense to turn him down.
But you didn't…did you Dash? All you saw was the glory, the adventure…the challenge. You were so excited when Duke first approached you. You couldn't wait to get started.
How young and stupid you were. How naïve.
The things I have seen. The things I have done…I shudder to remember it all. There are nights when I wake up in a cold sweat…remembering. Alison doesn't understand…although I am sure she wonders what it is that causes the stoic Flint to cling to her at night, holding her tight until the shaking stops.
She doesn't know…and I can never tell her.
I can never explain to her what it means to be a member of 'The Black". How can she even begin to understand what it is like to put your humanity aside in the interests of a mission so top secret that not even the President knows about it? GIJOE is a cakewalk compared to what I used to do.
What we used to do.
Conrad, Marvin and I, we all carry scars from the operations we were ordered on…emotional scars that are suffered in silence. Who can we talk to? For all intents and purposes none of it ever happened. We never even discuss it amongst ourselves!
I cannot let Alison live through what I have lived through. Sure, she has the ability…she is a fantastic soldier…but as much as she tries to hide it I know she has too much heart for this line of work. What Duke will ask her to do will end up tearing out her soul.
I know…it tore out mine.
But how can I convince her if I cannot tell her the truth? I am bound by honor never to speak of it. I cannot break that trust. I will not break that trust.
And yet if I don't she will think I am belittling her abilities and her anger would end up driving her straight into Duke's hands. She is already fuming; having overheard some snippet of the 'conversation' I had with him…
…could it be that this was his plan along?
I went looking for Marvin before heading for the gym. I found him in his room packing his gear, quietly humming a gospel tune I recognized immediately. He hums it before every mission…it is a prayer of sorts…a prayer to keep him and his team safe and bring them home alive.
He didn't even turn around.
"I will watch her, Dash…I will bring her home safe and sound."
"How do I stop this?"
He paused for a moment and sighed. I wasn't talking about the recon and he knew it.
"You can't. There are some things in life that are beyond our control. Of all people I thought that you would know that."
"She won't understand…she doesn't know what it means to join this brotherhood."
"Neither did we…but we did it. We survived. She will as well…"
"I feel so…helpless."
He turned around and faced me, flashing a sad smile.
"Sometimes, my friend…we just have to step back and trust that the people we love will make the right choices."
That's Marvin for you…the quiet voice of reason. Too bad my anger was stoked so high by that point or our little chat might have prevented me from killing myself in the gym.
Eisenhower once said he hated war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity.
I love being a soldier…but there are days that I hate what I do. I have learned over the years that there is no glory in battle, and that it is a fine line we travel between honorable justice and mere strong-arm brutality. Will the history books call us heroes or murderers? Only time will tell.
I know I cannot stop Alison from accepting Duke's offer, anymore than I can stop him from offering it. All I can do is sit idly by and watch as this all unfolds.
I was never any good at being idle.